I suspect that my hubby has a fling

[RAC]

I never realized I will one day post something like this on FN. I suspect that my hubby has a fling. I am so afraid to tip the balance right now because we have 2 babies that I love so much. If I confront him, what will happen? I don't think I am ready for the consequences yet. Please give me your inputs.

[j.adore]

First question is why are you suspecting this from your husband?

Did you see a change in his behavior? Did you find clues or evidence of another woman?

[RAC]

Yes i have concrete evidence in fact.

[RAC]

Should i let it pass without him ever knowing that i knew? I am so at a dilemma and i dont know who to talk to. I want to tell my mother but that will forever taint my hubby's image to my family.

[beach_n_sunsets]

Hi sis RAC, can you please be more specific? Para we get to see the bigger picture and give better pieces of advice.

Kelan nagsimula? How long na kayo married? How old are you babies? Are you living with your in laws? What specific evidence do you have? etc.

It's difficult kasi to give a sound advice with very few details about the situation

[17glut]

It is probably just a hunch lalo na if you dont have a solid proof about your suspicions. Ingat lang when confronting your husband about it, baka mamya you got it all wrong at pagbintangan mo sya ng walang ebidensya so ppwede pa pag-ugatan yan ng away. 

[RAC]

4 years married only. My 2 sons are 3 mos old and 1yr 6mos old. Yung 3mos old baby ko will be baptized this weekend. I found out about the fling 2 days ago thru his phone. Babe ang tawagan. Sa tingin ko fling lang but it really hurts so much.

[17glut]

only one way to confirm, ask him about it after the binyag so it wont ruin the occasion

[RAC]

Confirmed ko na. Dami ko bang nabasa na message exchanges nila.

[beach_n_sunsets]

Even if it were a fling lang, it's still not right because he's married to you eh.

Anyway, patapusin mo muna the binyag nga. I think huwag right after the binyag ang confrontation. Clear your head first before you talk to him.

You said you're afraid to tip the balance because you have 2 babies? Are you working now? Or si hubby ang sole provider sa house?

[RAC]

Working si hubby. Me, full time with babies sa bahay. We have a small shop na ako ang nagmamanage. Honestly, yes mahihirapan ako sa 2 babies financially without hubby. Aside from that, yung hiya ko sa parents ko na may fling ang asawa ko. At hiya ko sa friends ko who all have faithful husbands. My head is still spinning sa kakaisip ko.

[momentum]

^ bakit ka mahihiya sa family mo? sa friends mo? ikaw ba ang gumawa ng kalokohan?
husband mo ang gumawa nun, sya dapat ang mahiya
para sakin hindi ko kelangan pagtakpan yan sa pamilya ko if I need to vent out to someone.
hindi mo puwede isaloob mo lang yan coz one day sasabog ka nalang.
let him face the consequences na "mapahiya" dahil sa kalokohan niya should that day come na malaman ng iba.

maybe now you should start thinking how to earn your own money other than from that shop you manage na. mahirap iasa lahat sa asawa. learn to stand on your own. just because siya lang ang nagwowork doesn't mean na forever ka ng aasa sa kanya kahit iniiputan ka na sa ulo. hindi na uso martyr ngayon. maybe start looking for a maid and start preparing yourself to go back to work. you should also have your own savings na hindi naka-joint sa kanya at hindi niya alam.

in the end kasi sis whatever happens, huwag ka papayag na magmukang kawawa. whether he leaves you or you leave him, at least may stable job ka na. sorry, mejo andvance ako pero it pays to be prepared talaga. its for you and your kids' future

[TysLolakins]

when i was younger (a lot younger  ), i used to joke around with my girl friends that if i found out that hubby has a fling/girl on the side, but he's  still treating me and the kids the same, still an ok husband and father,  then i won't do anything.  why you ask?  well i figured, why would i let him off the hook so easily.  if he's not happy with us anymore nor satisfied with what i can give him, then it's just too bad, let him be miserable with us and suffer.  if i tell him to leave, then they'll be happy together  because he won't have any responsibilities with us anymore.  my kids will not have a father,  i will lose half of the household income.  i'm not ready to be a single parent and i don't want to be one.  plus having to go thru a divorce is a pain in the butt, who has time for that? so what's the point of confronting him?   it's too late already as he'd done the deed (if it's true).  the best he can do is stop the affair on his own.  i can pretend that nothing happened and i won't tell him that i knew. 
very easy to run the whole scenario in our heads but in reality it's not easy to accept that your husband is capable of having an affair.  it's more of a big disappointment to the wife really, kinda like, how could he, right?
anyway,  it seems to me you are not ready to face the unpleasantness once you confront him.  even if it's not true,  the fact that the seed of doubt had been planted,  the relationship will not be the same anymore.


this is just another angle to look at your dilemma.


(and my husband of 38 years together  (and counting) has always been faithful to me  [size=78%] )[/size]

[RAC]

so true especially the part that i am not ready yet. i feel so much for my babies.

[cecilydee]

In my opinion, if you will not confront him, you will just become an instrument for him to continue the sin. And God is against that.  Christ was never a doormat. If the sin hasnt developed into physical, there are still ways for it to stop. You can lovingly confront him with a minister or a mentor (somebody you can trust) this will take time kasi you need to find a trusted mentor..if it has progressed into physical, dont sleep with him kasi you should protect yourself from possible diseases eh...remember you are responsible for your own feelings and choices.

[books_mags]

for me, the longer you wait, the deeper he gets attached to the girl. sorry i am a person who believes in taking action.

I had this 5 year relationship before with a guy who i never expect to cheat.  as in wala akong change na napansin, he is always around. si girl na mismo nagparamdam sa akin, deliberately posted a simple hi on his wall.  when i asked him, he told me new friend he met daw so i dug further and i saw the i love you messages.  when i confronted him, walang second thoughts, he chose the other girl.  my only point here is, men get into the point they become sure because they had the luxury of time to assess and choose.  Normally nagpapahuli at nagigiging bulgar sila if they are ready to let the other one go.

think a lot and start assessing your options and what u stand to gain/lose.  do not delay just because u think you are not ready. you will never be ready.
if mayaman si hubby, by all means delay and get every opportunity to take money from him.  tulad ni gretchen, secured na siya kahit iwan siya.
 
if wala ka naman makukuha kay hubby dahil siya naghahawak ng lahat, look for options to start working.  i have a friend who started doing odesk, mahirap sa simula but with simple typing jobs, she is earning a lot. 

[lovely_carrot]

If you suspect that its only a fling then nip it in the bud ASAP. You can either confront your hubby, text the girl to inform her na may asawa na yung ka-fling nya or both. Wag ka lang basta manahimik.

There are instances na kailangan lang ng wake up call ng husband mo to know what he's going to lose if he doesn't stop but you need your family's support on this, mahirap gawin pag magisa ka. Kainin mo na yung pride mo sa paglapit sa family mo, its not (totally) your fault na nagloloko ang asawa mo.

Do something now, ipaglaban mo marriage mo if that's what you want. If you feel any self pity, you gotta stop. Lakasan mo loob mo sis.

[little_princess]

Gather evidence, you have to have the proof with you to show your husband and not just you reading or seeing it. He can and will always deny if he can.

[RAC]

so i talked to my sis in law today. we both agreed it's best to talk to my husband after the baptism of my youngest. for the next few days, i have to think about the approach. the thought of it makes me shake. i realize that i am not really a confrontational person. but i have to do this for my children's sake. thank you all. you all have put some sense into me. all the things said here make sense.

[aquacharly]

I beg to clarify:  it isn't just a fling -- which, per my definition, is just a couple of fcks.   If the repeated/habitual fcking has become part of his life: it's an affair... Repeated fcking that has morphed into a relationship.  That last one is hard to dis-entangle, hard to ignore.

Realistically, you're on the short end because you have no financial independence.  Sagasaan man ako ng mga madre ng Assumption, sorry: it's money that makes the world turn, not love. 

What, realistically, is good card-playing on your part?
About a week after the baptism ...
Do not confront.  But do not ignore the elephant in the room, ika nga.
Be pretty, stay cool.  Keep the kids out of the room, so you 2 are not distracted.
Bring up  the issue of  his betrayal.  Do not condemn, though he sure deserves condemnation.
Tell him you know.  Do not be sidelined by denials.
Or by his turning the tables on you:  baket ka spying on him?!
Calmly ask him what he wants to happen?
If he says he wants to go, let him.
But make clear financial arrangements with him.
This way, cut and cut clean -- you will be thankful later on your non-malingering made you move on

If he says "aayusin" nya  -- nail him down.
What does he mean exactly by that?  Get specifics.
Get him to set a deadline. Do not be the one to set a deadline.
Then, let him be. Do not nag. Do not slash his throat while he snores.

Whatever he does or does not do after your talk --  Best Foot Forward ka 24/7.
Get a hold of yourself. Do not have more than 1 meltdown, more than 24 hrs of crying.
Set a deadline within which he should reform.  But do not tell him your deadline. Do not demand reform. If he truly loves you and values his family, he knows what he should do, hindi naman sya brain-damaged. 

In the meantime, sabi nga:  solutions are born from problems. Success comes out of Desperation.
Hindi ka naman helpless, find ways to make more money you should hide from his knowledge.
Hangga't kaya mo tiisin --  put up a brave front for your sake and sanity & for the kids' sake -- WHILE YOU CONSOLIDATE and STRENGTHEN your finances, your emotional self.   
Do not focus on the Pain, but transform it into Anger that motivates you to take better care of yourself, to become more financially independent.
Hwag mo din discuss his betrayal with others. Keep it within your control. Saka mo advertise when you have kicked him out of your life.

Each day, hard as it may be to focus --  make yourself into a better & stronger woman.  Sya yung defective, hindi ikaw.  Just as important:  attend to your kids.  You must see they develop with the values you deem critical. Hindi yung sa bigat ng dibdib mo eh, napa bayaan mo na their development.  It is never enough to just clothe and feed children. 

Time may grind exceedingly slow when burdened by betrayal -- but you have the capacity to bring yourself from where you are now to a much much better place. Nasasayo yan.
Take hold of your life. Nobody can take better care of yourself than you yourself. Yang husband mo, kahit na ano gawin mo, if he chooses to continue cheating - he will. What can you do?  Decision nya yon kasi well, to be crude but realistic: hindi mo naman hawak  t***  nya.

So there, the only person you control is you.
Do not just bide your time, but work towards a position of power.
Tandaan mo:  It is never too late to re-invent yourself.
Do not be The Loser here. Que hiwalay kayo or not, do not be The Loser.
I hope your husband goes into True Remorse & Reform. But do not hold your breathe for that miracle.
Kasi if he chooses to take the philanderer's life --  eh mas mabuti 1 day you are strongly positioned  to deliver him to that kab1tch with this statement:  Eto! Thank you for taking my trash.