Please Advice

[Girltalker2]

^I see. That means mas madaling makipaghiwalay kasi no kids and not married? But 9 years is 9 years, right? Kaya lang paano naman kung hindi ka na masaya sa partner mo? Let go and move on?

Nasa sayo i-weigh if it is worth a try. Kung worth a try dahil mahal mo pa, then try your best.

Kasi once you've tried at ganun parin, parang it doesn't matter na if it is 2 years or 20 years. Basta isipin mo nalang if you're willing to live through that misery for the rest of your life (another 50 years of sadness?!!!).

TS, sometimes kung talagang sad ka, baka mas masaya pa mag solo flight kesa may partner. At least may chance ka pa to save more and look for someone who can love you better. But of course, this is after trying at tingin mo wala na talagang pag asa mag improve ang situation.

[calin22]

Hi TS, naguluhan lang ako.. di pala kayo married pero nasa Married Life Thread ito.
 
Siguro dapat sa ibang section ito. anyway im also in 9 years relationship going 10 years with my bf, we are not married (not yet) pero we share his room sa house nila, same din ng situation is some sort.. mas malaki ang earnings ko sa kanya (mas gumagastos ako sa expenses) and his not showy.

What i did to keep the relationship alive, I make sure na mawawala ako sa patingin niya every now and then. Like nagbusiness ako, kumuha ako ng IT certifications, nag aral ako magstocks, nag enroll ako gym/swimming etc... hindi kasi pwede siya lang buhay mo. After that naging showy na siya saken at gumagastos nadin siya halos same as mine sa expenses at luho namen. (planning to get married in 2 years)

Like you what you said, ganyan na talaga kayo sa simula at napagod ka na.. I think you should put a spice in your life. Yes communication helps pero kung di ka magbabago, wala mangyayari. naniniwala ako na lahat ng ginawa mo, bumabalik lang din sayo.. "You Reap What You Sow"

And sa totoo lang sis, di din maganda na panay libre kayo lahat sa expenses (house) c/o sa parents mo, ikaw ang babae dapat sa poder ng lalaki ka pupunta. Natanong mo na din ba siya regarding that situation? baka kaya di siya nagbibigay dahil dun, pride kung baga.

and with marriage, bakit ayaw mo pala? and okay lang ba sa parents mo na ganyan ang setup? and even kay partner? are you sure 100% okay lang sa kanya?

Another thing, we started to go church actively since 2013. Isa din sa nagpapatibay ng relationship namen yun and i'm still hoping for the best. Sorry @realshaddy napahaba pa ang comment, pero just my opinion lang naman.

[glamorosa_09]

naniniwala ako na minsan nafefeel natin di tayo love... pero ang totoo love naman tayo di lang sa paraan na gusto natin di ba? ang hirap lang talaga to know when to hold on and when to let go..

The word is MINSAN. But what if majority of those 9 years one felt unloved? Emotionally drying. At tsaka kahit a little adjustment and effort man lang di ba, is that too much to ask, at hindi kailangang palaging mamalimos. Lahat naman tayong nagmahal gumawa ng something inconvenient. Yan ay if we're mature and we know what love is.

There's nothing wrong with anyone not wanting to be married, kung ito ay bukal sa kalooban. However, kung may nangyari sa buhay mo at ang desisyong iyan ay nanggagaling sa takot, it could affect how you relate with an intimate partner. Kung wala naman, discard this.

Parang you're extra cautious sa relationship nyo, hindi mo kayang sabihin na, "patulong naman ako sa gawain, patulong naman ako sa gastusin." Isang beses ka lang nag-try then hindi na umulit. Anong meron?

Hindi rin yata maximized ang Communication Button...

[Girltalker2]

^ tsaka di ba dapat we communicate based on the other person's pov otherwise hindi din nya Ito maintindihan? Like for example kay TS, importante sa partner nya mag effort para ma feel ni TS na mahal sya. Sometimes di nga importante ang way natin but how our partners /we feel loved.

What if my way of letting you know I love you is kung sinasapak kita. Eh syempre for you, that's foul, that's not love. So need ko mag adjust according to your standards para maintindihan mo na mahal Kita. Kung wala akong gagawin, then you will never feel loved, so what's the point of the relationship? Alangan naman pilitin mo or lokohin mo sarili mo na I love you and my way of showing it is yung pagsapak ko sayo. I know exagg ang example. Pero point is, need natin intindihin ano ang language of love ng RECIPIENT, not the giver. And this is essential in any relationship.

Kung sarado ang utak ng giver, it will never work.

[glamorosa_09]

^true sis.  Another metaphor to add, is favorite ko ang apple, but you keep on giving me mango. Is it too much to ask kung paminsan-minsan apple naman. Or sa magulang na puro gadgets ang binibigay, pwede bang kahit half to one hour of your time naman mom and dad?

Of course of course, by this ALAM mo mahal ka, kaya lang hindi mo RAMDAM. Iba ang alam sa ramdam. Head level ang knowing, whereas heart level naman ang feeling. A relationship can still survive though by just KNOWING you're loved, hindi nga lang kapantay ng contentment of those FEELING loved. And like what you said sis, it is the recipient who will keep on analyzing just to know that he/she is loved, sya pa rin mag-aadjust. Wala namang problema din dyan depende sa tao.

And looking at the whole picture of TS dilemma, it's not just about feeling unloved romantically/intimately. It seems that her man, as a partner, doesn't fulfill his role as a life partner and relationship partner.

As a life partner, you would share responsibilities in your living. Taga-luto ka, taga-hugas sya;  taga-earn ka, taga-linis sya ng bahay, etc. Sharing of responsibilites. Kaya lang, kay TS lahat nakapasan yan.

As a relationship/romantic partner, yun na nga katulad na nga ng mga nabanggit, nurturing the relationship. Kaya lang kay TS din nakapasan lahat.

Partners walk together, hand in hand. Nakikita ko sa thread na to, si TS lang ang naglalakad, nakapasan sa kanya si partner, carrying all his weight on her back.

But then my question above still stands. Curious ako bakit di mo sya kuliting tulungan ka sa gawaing bahay o kahit sa gastusin na lang. Ano ba mangyayari pag pinursue mo yung topic na yan, tototohanin ba nya yung sinasabi nyang maghiwalay kayo? Or are you just the type of person who couldn't assert your needs? Merong ganyan. Or are you the type who sees it a weakness to ask for needs and help? Meron ding ganyan.

Oo nga pala, family mo ang may sagot ng house, bills, and utilities nyong mag-partner, right? So is it possible na nakuha mo ang trait na ito sa kanila, kaya ok lang sayo ikaw may sagot sa inyong dalawa?

At tsaka, ano palang meron ayaw mong magpakasal, eh based on your post, mahal na mahal mo. Baka kasi may important clue dyan that have affected you.

Sorry daming tanong, I'm itching to understand...

[xandersmom]

Yung husband ko ganyan din nun una, i mean hindi sya showy. Hindi din nagbibigay ng gifts, first anniv namin hindi kami nagcelebrate, he didnt even greet me on my first mothers day, pero lagi ako nagtatampo kaya konti konti nagbago naman.

Kayo kasi ang tagal nyo na tapos ganun pa din. Whats the point of staying in a relationship if youre not happy anymore? Mahal mo pa ba talaga sya or sanay ka na lang na nandyan sya? And its not about the gifts or helping out eh, its about making you feel appreciated.

[glamorosa_09]

^sis that's ok I just emphasized it... not saying you're wrong or anything...

And ok lang mahaba ang posts... wala namang bayad

At tska, usual din naman dito, na kahit anong best intention of your advice, hindi sinusunod ng mga TS It's their life after all.

For me it's the vicarious learning that counts Kung makatulong, mas maganda, kung hindi naman, at least I'm learning

[realshaddy]

Si partner naman, pag inuutusan, sumusunod. You just have to say it para gawin nya. Kaso im the type of person na hindi mautos, i mean alam mo na ang dapat mong gawin, bakit ko pa kaylangan sabihin? Ganon kase ako. Kaya nga im giving him the benefit of the doubt kase baka may mali din naman ako. Sabi nga ng sister nya, malakas kase ang personality ko. Hindi ko naman na sya kaylangan kulitin sa gawain, kaylangan ko lang sabihin ang dapat nyang gawin. Kaso nga, ayoko naman everyday magsabi na lang. Baka mali din ako sa point na ito.

Actually, ok lang naman talaga if ako sa expenses, kase i have naman more of what i need e. Siguro nakuha ko kase sa tatay ko na hindi lang pera ang importante. Kaya naman ako nag co complain minsan kase nakikita ko sa iba na, iba naman ang set up. Nasabi ko na din sa kanya regarding sa expenses siguro mga 4 times na in 9 years pero wala e. Kaya ayoko na lang ulitin pa. Dahil as i said, ayoko pag awayan ang pera. At isa pa, lagi sinasabi ng nanay ko na theres still so much to be thankful for kaya iwasan ang mag complain.

Regarding naman sa kasal, meron naman mga tao talaga na ayaw magpakasal e. Siguro isa na ako dun. Or siguro diko pa makita ang sarili ko na sya kasama ko forever.

But then again, si partner ay mabait naman, wala naman 3rd party, wala na din bisyo for the past 4 years, hindi din mabarkada, gusto lang sa bahay mag stay. Minsan lang talaga syempre may mga complain ako sa ugali nya. Kaya di ko din maintindihan kung ako ba ang may problema o sya or both.

Again, thank you sa lahat ha

[glamorosa_09]

Thanks for responding to my piqued curiosity.

Yeah, iba talaga ang set-up sa iba. The usual is sharing of responsibilities. Kahit si babae ang breadwinner, the husband tends the house and the kids. Buti nga you have no resentment or anger eh, breadwinner wives we interviewed na hindi nagkocontribute ang asawa sa gawain, they have it.

Based on your post naman, I sense that you are set to staying. Since may nakikita ka namang maganda sa kanya, that seems enough to plow through your relationship with him despite bearing most of the responsibilities. And it's up to you if you want to use that communication thing.

Regarding naman sa kasal, meron naman mga tao talaga na ayaw magpakasal e. Siguro isa na ako dun. Or siguro diko pa makita ang sarili ko na sya kasama ko forever.

Sometimes you got to listen to your intuition din, it transcends reasoning. When you reason to it, that small voice tends to fade. It's a person's ally, designed to secure your safety - emotional, physical.

[simang]

Hi sis realshaddy!

Ganito na lang, if patuloy mong gagawin yung currently mong ginagawa, don't expect a different result. you have to do something different. Ang lagi kong iniisip is i have to know what i want exactly -- the specifics. Para alam ko kung pano ko sya makukuha. Yung sayo kasi sinasabi mo na okay lang sayo na ganto, na ganyan, pero laging may PERO. Laging pwede na to, kasi minsan nakukuha ko naman eh. Minsan hindi. pero ask yourself honestly, is that what you really want? Na minsan okay sya, minsan hindi? Yung honest na sagot. Like if si God lang ang makakaalam ng sagot mo.

Regarding not wanting to get married, i agree that getting married is not for everyone. Na may mga tao talaga hindi  concern ang pagpapakasal. All the more na magkasama naman kayo and living as partners already. But your reason na kasi hindi mo pa makita na sya talaga ang makakasama mo habang buhay... Then why are you there? Why are you with him? Alam ko kung anong isasagot mo -- kasi mahal mo. Kung mahal mo, bakit di mo makita sya as your life partner?

Just some questions for you to really think about.

[yannuh]

na-sad naman ako dito sis:(

Communication lang talaga ang key dito sis. Sabihin mo sa kanya lahat-lahat ng nararamdaman mo and yung current situation nyo. Pag hindi pa sya nagbago sis, isipin mo kung sya nga ba talaga yung gusto mong makasama forever. hindi naman laging puro love lang ang iintindihin sis, dapat isama mo pati utak.

[lonelymiss28]

realshaddy, parang ako lang yung asawa mo, noong una di rin ako mahilig mag gift sa asawa ko kasi lagi ko iniisip kaya naman nya bilhin yun kung ano man ibibigay ko, sya rin gumagawa karamihan sa gawaing bahay but not now kasi sa bahay nakatira brother ko. so ako totally walang ginagawa sa bahay, pero nagwo-work naman ako din rin ako nagbibigay ng share, nagbibigay lang ako ng gift pag christmas at birthday nya pero mostly isang bigayan lang ang ginagawa ko.
One time kinausap ako ng biyenan ko and na realize ko na dapat nililibre ko rin talaga asawa ko, so ngayon nililibre ko na sya ng breakfast kung san nya gusto and super appreciate naman nya.
So ang suggestion ko, pag-usapan nyo and tell him in a nice way yung nararamdaman mo.

[calin22]

Regarding not wanting to get married, i agree that getting married is not for everyone. Na may mga tao talaga hindi  concern ang pagpapakasal. All the more na magkasama naman kayo and living as partners already. But your reason na kasi hindi mo pa makita na sya talaga ang makakasama mo habang buhay... Then why are you there? Why are you with him? Alam ko kung anong isasagot mo -- kasi mahal mo. Kung mahal mo, bakit di mo makita sya as your life partner?

Just some questions for you to really think about.

I totally I agree with this.

@TS, sorry medyo nagbackread ako ng mga previous post mo sa ibang thread. Mukhang nagtrtry nadin kayo magka-baby.. I don't think that is a good idea. Re-evaluate first your relationship, look at it for a long term.. not just because its convenient for now.

[realshaddy]

Kinausap ko na sya kahapon regarding sa mga concerns ko. Sabi naman nya, pipilitin nya magbago. And magbibigay na daw sya ng 10k monthly para sa expenses namin. Ewan ko lang kung magtutuloy tuloy. Simula naman kahapon and today sya ang nag se set ng table at sya ang nagliligpit pagtapos namin kumain. Sya din naglaba nung mga damit nya sa washing machine, yung mga need nya gamitin bukas. Hindi naman na nya inutos. Sana lang magtuloy tuloy. Before kase ganun lang sa umpisa. Baka need lang ng constant reminder.

Haaay! Nakakaloka lang. Sana lang magtuloy kase kung babalik nanaman sa dati, ewan ko na lang. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko, sana last chance na nya to. Sana next time na ganun ulit, mag give up na ko talaga. Kase ayoko naman parang maging sirang plaka lang.

Pagod na nga, malungkot pa.

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

nice! great to hear that. see! communication lang...

kung sana ganyan din ginawa sa akin ni misis na sinabi nya problema nya sa akin..hahaha
dinaan kasi ko sa silent treatment e..

anyway, good to hear that. cheers! dont worry magtutuloy-tuloy yan...

[aquacharly]

Sis aquacharly, i was really hoping you would comment on this thread. I'd like to know whats your take on this. Thank you

I know naman everything about his money, yon lang diko talaga pinakealaman yon, i also have secret accounts. Segurista din ako.

Regarding marriage, reason din ba yon kaya sya ganyan? Kase ako ang may ayaw.. Sya gusto nya. I mean, were ok naman ng ganito. I dunno, diko gusto ang idea ng marriage. (Please dont judge me mga sisters ha). Meron yata talagang taong ganon. At sabi naman nya he respects my decision.

Sis quinone, thank you ha. Gusto ko din talaga malaman ang opinion ng guys sa situation ko.

Good girl! A woman after my own heart:  financially independent with secret accounts.

Marriage not on your list, no judgment!  But I will judge you both if he is married.  Make him get an annulment 1st.  But that's just my opinion ha.

Looks like a workable relationship -- you say you know where his money's all at. Good.

Now, he may be so coz he took the lead from you. You're the Super Woman. Naka sanayan na.
Or, he is insecure --  baka nga ayaw mo mag commit kasi you can dis-engage one day. San sya pupulutin then?  Recall, he just started earning big after you.

Ok, you have kids? Use that as an excuse to have him invest.  Sigurado him mo kids' name on it, if not yours.
Get him to spend on big ticket items - car, lot, house.  Whatever.

Darling, kausapin mo uli about how you feel uncared for.