Crossroad

[peachlipstick]

I was thinking of using another username but I decided to use my existing username na lang din.

I'm peachlipstick, a GTalker from Weddings and Engagement since last year but now, I am at a crossroad.

My ex-fiance and I had been together for more than 7 years, we were supposed to celebrate our 8th year on August. Sadly, I broke up with him on February dahil napagod ako.

Ex proposed to me on December 2013 and we have scheduled the wedding for October 2016. We have actually booked three suppliers for the event that, as of this moment, has been cancelled.

Since October 2014, may mga hesitations na ako in getting married. Somehow, I feel like I am only excited to get married and not to get married to him. I know it's unfair and selfish and I kept it to myself because I was scared that if I tell him he will threaten to break up with me so I continued like nothing was wrong but I know there was

In the past seven years, we had good times, pero somehow I felt na the time we spent apart were better than the time we spent together. Pag magkasama kasi kami mas madalas na yung arguments over little things.

Pero I thought yung "okay lang ako" is synonymous to "masaya ako". Ang laki pala ng difference.

December 2014, I was forced to be a part of a presentation for the Company Party on January, kasama ang iba pa naming colleagues so may mga scheduled practice kami.

January 2015, while on a break from the practice, I was getting my things from the locker with my 2 girl friends when let's call him Nel, holding a Grace paper bag suddenly told me: "I'm getting some more. Would you like some?"

Eh bingi ako, dinig ko "some water" so sabi ko meron na kami. Pero yung two friends ko um-oo kasi tama yung dinig nila. Then, when Nel came up he gave us the food while our other colleagues were eyeing us in hatred.

After the party, I remembered that I haven't thanked Nel for the food so I sent him an IM. Tapos, we got to chatting about a lot of things. Hanggang sa hingin nya yung mobile number ko and we would occassionally text.

He had treated me to a dinner as a thank you for a favor he had asked from me. And I admit that I had fun talking with him though I was worried about the language barrier since he is not a Filipino. In the past two months that we were chatting, we have gone out 4 times (dinner, milk tea, movies).

Nel had made me realize something that I had missed out or chosen to ignore with my 7 years with my ex-fiance. When Nel was with me, I have his full attention. He was interested with what I was saying and he shows he listens pero with ex, andami kong ka-agaw: ps4, ps vita, tv, cell phone, laptop.

Ex and I had a long talk. I told him I want my freedom. I want to be able to do whatever I want, go wherever I want whenever I want. Without asking for his permission, without being pressured to be home at this time and without the side comments like "Uwi ba ng matinong babae ang ganyang oras?"

Don't get me wrong, I still love ex who is trying to win me back, and Nel is not courting me, maybe he just enjoys talking to me. Pero there are signs that he does like me although I know I am not yet there. But I can't say I am not curious kung hanggang saan kami makakarating ni Nel.

I know I am playing with fire sa ginagawa ko. I am risking losing the security of a life with my ex who I know loves me versus questions and uncertainties with Nel and there will be no turning back if I decide to continue playing with Nel.

Please enlighten me. I am so confused

[reann787]

yep ako din.. same as above..  basta ang masasabi ko lang siguro eh lahat talaga masaya sa umpisa.. naalala ko sabi ng ex ko saken dati nung tinanong ko bakit parang hindi na parehas nung dati sagot nya saken, "para namang tayong bago" natatawa nalang ako pag naiisip ko eh.. sad but true.. well you said yourself that your fiance loves you.. better think twice of breaking it all off, but anyways analyze if your happy at this point, after all those years you've had together.. if masaya ka pa ba or are you still in love..

[peachlipstick]

Thanks for the replies mga sis.  Siguro nga naguguluhan lang ako at this point. Pero I know that a part of me still believes na si ex ang gusto ko makasama. Maybe I just want him to change for the better.

Ang hirap lang kasi may ibang distractions. Maybe I should stop chatting with Nel na lang.

[aquacharly]

Sabi ng Lolo namin:  Masarap ang bago.  Or, Masarap ang bawal.  Hahaha

You're in a rut.  7 years, there must be noticeable "take for granted" behavior both  you and your ex are guilty of.  Both of you have grown complacent, you don't feel challenged by each other na.   Relationships, not just marriages, require work. Really.

Maybe you aren't ready to settle down yet?  That's just fine, but don't waste it on just flirting around.  Use it to advance your big dreams. 

Great you called the engagement off.  If you feel a dis-connect now, why gamble on years of growing dis-connect nga naman?  If The Spark is no longer there, why get into a Life Sentence through a Marriage Contract nga naman. Plus, sure you've got a good head over your heart --  coz you don't expect much at this point from this other guy. Baka  nga naman he can't offer you much/commitment over the long-term -- best you have no expectations there/ illusions until he gives very clear & very strong signals.

Give yourself more time.  And take time to tell your ex who is trying to win you back what you miss:  the attention and consideration he should be giving you, and not wasting much on  his gadgets.   

[mimiku]

Since a lot of ladies out here are citing quotes about relationships here goes mine as well - Hindi ka manlalamig sa mahal mo kung wala kang pinagiinitang bago.

Think before ba nakilala mo si Nel nanlalamig ka na sa ex mo? Minsan kasi baka nakahanap ka lang ng kilig sa bago mo kaya ganyn naiisip mo. Pero kung sakaling nagdadalawang isip ka na noon pa, dapat kinausap mo siya and try to arrive on a compromise. Yun dapat ginawa mo, kung hindi kayo nagwork out, at least you know na hindi talaga pwede. You won't have regrets. Sometimes kasi kapag masyadong nasanay na tayo sa isang tao, nawawala yung thrill. Love is an effort. Both of you should strive for it.

Mahirap yang sitwasyon mo. Pero at the end of the day ikaw lang makakapagdecide kung ano talaga ang mas nakakabuti sayo. Isipin mo din ang ex mo, siya ang nahihirapan sa sitwasyon niyo and no matter how he might have taken you granted, he doesn't deserve any of this drama in his life.

[peachlipstick]

Thank you for giving your thoughts sis aquacharly. I have already informed ex what I need from him and I think he's giving his best shot na din naman to make me feel loved and special. I just think I need more time.

Hi sis mimiku, what you told me actually crossed my mind na din and has been asked by friends. And honestly, before Nel came into the picture, I was hesitating na din to get married feeling that I have rushed into getting into a relationship and I have been stuck. Maybe it's the complacency, or maybe I did get bored.

I always know that my ex will be the safe choice. He loves me more. But I don't want to get married to him because he is a safe choice. That will be unfair. Especially to him.

[mooncake and leaves]

I was in the same situation. Pareho pa tayo, everything happened last month.

What I did was take the other person out of the equation and focused on the current (now past) relationship. We were together for 5 yrs and like you, planning to get married. He was, like you call your ex, the safe choice. Safe because maayos na and he loved me. But I wasn't excited to be with him. I wasn't happy. It's not because we were together for a long time, that we were stuck in a rut. No. When you're not truly happy, you just know.

In the end, I just decided to end it all. All I can say is that tearing down that life, that possibility, was a turning point for me. He was shocked, everyone we knew was shocked but truly our problems
started long time ago. The other guy, that one phone call, was just a catalyst, the jolt that woke me up.

Now I'm single hehe and I have no regrets. Maybe that's too soon to say but I learned that we need to be comfortable with change and we need to be ok to destroy what we've grown accustomed to and be willing to rebuild our lives. Nawalan akong friends, social life, ng solid plan. I'm alone and older (bumaba na ang already lower market value bwaha) and I'm happier.

Kung confused ka pa din, goodluck. Be honest, above all and be kind. Just know that whatever you decide, you'll be ok. Mabuti na yang maghiwalay kayo ngayon kesa magpakasal kayo then separate later.

[Girltalker2]

TS, believe din ako sa courage mo. Kasi I know of a few incidents na hindi na makaatras yung guy/girl kasi nasabihan na ang relatives regarding kasal so mahirap mag back out.

Your hesitations on getting married - Sabi nila, once meron ka nito, better don't get married YET. But di ibig sabihin if you're not pushing through with your planned wedding, it doesn't necessarily mean na hindi kayo magkakatuluyan. So on this point, you're on the right track. Sa Pinas pa, once you marry wrongly, you suffer the consequences for over a decade, if not a lifetime.


Have you ever thought what's your ideal partner. If you are to start with a clean sheet of paper, what is your ideal partner?
Then if you are to give your fiancé a score, does he meet at least 70% of that? Kasi when I got married, I didn't have a concept of an 'ideal partner'. Nagkataon lang na we were at the right age at kami ang mag BF/gf and getting married is just the natural progression.

If I had a list of what I really wanted, my ex would probably be at 50% lang, what's worse was I didn't get to explore and date other men, he was my only BF and I did not even get the chance to 'think' if he is for me and if I'm right for him.

TS, is your fiancé your first BF? Naisip ko lang kasi, based sa initial post mo, parang di ka pa ready magpatali sa kanya and would just like to explore the world more. If I'm your mom/elder sis, I would suggest you don't get married for the sake, especially if your current fiancé is your first BF. Give it more time.

Yes it is a risk you're taking - kahit pakasal ka o hindi. But as of this point, since you break off na your wedding, and your fiancé is trying to win you back parin, maybe it would be good to also 'date' him and talk about your issues (with no commitment muna) while you also 'explore' your friendships with others (hindi lang naman si Nel, kahit iba that interests you).

Good luck, we hope you will make the right choice eventually.

[simang]

Wow, this thread is sad and hopeful at the same time. It is sad that something good has to end, but hopeful that maybe something better's about to happen out of this. I like what sis mooncakes said, when you are truly happy, you just know. Sabi nga din ng friend ko, doubt means don't. All will be well, whether with your ex fiance or not, whether with the new guy or not, the bottomline is, all will be well.

[ri-anne]

I think you're bored with your current relationship and this new guy makes you feel excited, which is probably lacking na (excitement/kilig) and what you're looking for.

For me there's nothing wrong with spending time with Nel. Don't bring malice na lang to what you're doing ("playing with fire"). Why, are you getting physically intimate with him ba? I think not, as you said, he is not even courting you. So why not just enjoy everything while it lasts? Just enjoy his company.

Then as you get to know him, and if you really think he is way better than your fiance, at kung sa tingin mo may patutunguhan talaga edi break things off totally with your fiance. Pero kung wala pa namang kasiguraduhan, continue mo muna. Parang kakahinayang din naman kasi pinagsamahan nyo, and you said your fiance loves you naman. Unless wala ka na talagang feelings for him.

[mooncake and leaves]

Didn't get to read all the other replies but I like what was mentioned before: Whatever decision you make, own it. A good friend said that to me as well and that helps. Whatever it is, no ifs, no buts, no regrets. Panagutan mo.

But spend time on this. Think really clearly, don't hold back, don't censor yourself and like I said, take this other guy out of the picture. 'Pag sinama mo siya, confusing talaga. Stop communicating with him, at least for the time being. Even without him or any other person, you need to establish if your problems with your ex can be fixed or not. You have to establish why you're in this relationship. Are you with him because you have some sort of deadline? Is it just because ang tagal niyo na?

Dig deep as to how you truly feel about your ex. What are your problems? Why are you with him? Does he make you happy? Does he make you want to be a better person? Is he always in your thoughts? If you had to give up some of your other goals just to be with him, will you be able to do it? Do you truly, madly, deeply love him? Is he the love of your life?

Another helpful thing--Look at people who are truly in love. My ex's sister has this bf who she's been with awhile now. One of the last days we were together, while we were having dinner, she received a text from him. And she just lit up. So giddy, so happy. And that hit me a lot. That hurt so bad because I didn't feel that way. When you look at people who are truly in love, even when they're heartbroken, if you feel jealous or you feel numb? Or you wonder why you don't feel that way? That's it. You have to move on.

Don't worry about the 7 yrs you've spent together. Do not make apologies for the past by sacrificing your present and your future. Marriage is not going to fix anything. Babies don't fix anything. The past is gone so stop living in it, stop paying for it. Think 20, 30 yrs from now. How you feel about your ex is a very clear indication of how you will be like at 50 or 60. You don't want to be 60 and thinking that you just wasted your entire life on the wrong person. It doesn't matter how perfect he is or how much he loves you. If you do not love him, he is wrong for you.

I think for the truly big things in life, you need to use your heart. I'm not saying you should be stupid and abandon all logic. But if your heart is not into something- be it a career, a friendship, a goal but most importantly a marriage? If your heart is not in it, it's never going to work out. Relationships are sacrifice and you need to be deeply in love with someone to endure all the curveballs life will throw at you.

Think about your ex, too. If there is a woman out there who is a better match for him, who could give him the love that you can not, he deserves the chance to meet her. You at least owe him that. You both deserve the chance to find that big love, even if that means hurting now and starting over. You need to be fair and you need to be brave to be happy. And when you're happy, you make everyone around you happy.

[pret_ty68]

^
very well said sis mooncake

[ri-anne]

Kumusta na kaya si ts?

Anyway, actually i can relate to ts coz i've been in her situation before din.
Almost 7yrs bf-gf, then i worked abroad, while then-bf was in manila (LDR while preparing for our wedding). And for the first time i felt free kasi medyo strict my bf para akong may bodyguard.
So without him i was able to go out with friends. and like TS, i also had my own Nel. Mas madalas ko pang kausap sa phone yun kasi mas masipag tumawag at makipag-chat kesa sa bf ko hehe... And kinilig din ako and felt the excitement i hadn't felt for a long time.
I even dated our Snr Engr who's Scottish and twice my age.lol he'd bring me to fancy french restaurants, with red/white wine and all. It was actually liberating, working abroad meeting new people. But that's it i just enjoyed the experience and novelty of it all.

But, to make the long story short, i chose the old and familiar over the new and uncertain one. I realized na sayang yung pinagsamahan namin ni then-bf for almost 7 yrs, the ups and downs, the happy and not so happy moments
 i decided to appreciate what i had/ have - a guy who may not be perfect, but loves me very much and is willing to do things to make me happy.
Anyway, i decided to stop communicating with the other guy, move to a diff company and decided to continue my relationship with my then-bf.
Now, we're married for a decade na.

what's the point of my story?
Unless your bf is physically and emotionally abusive, a chronic liar and cheater/womanizer, a psychopath and other persona not worth any person's time... I suggest try to make things work muna...

You know what they say
"Love is a committment, not a feeling."
For me, hindi enough reason ang "hindi na masaya" para maghiwalay.

Kung mag boyfriend pa lang ganyan na, can you imagine those who've been married for a long time? Do you think everyday is all happiness and bed of roses and kilig moments? Of course not.

Happiness is a state if mind, a choice. Sometimes even if a person already has eveything, he's still not happy. One has to learn to appreciate the things he/she has and not look for the things that aren't there.

And a relationship is really a lot of work, by both parties.
And since you mentioned that your bf loves you and is doing things you told him and trying to win you back....and you still love him but you need time....there is hope....i hope...hehe

Of course that's just my pov. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

[peachlipstick]

Thank you sa mga advice n'yo mga sis.

The past few weeks akala ko enough na for me to decide on which road to take. I even tried to give my ex-fiance a yes when she asked me to be his girlfriend again.

Pero parang ang dami ko pa rin unanswered questions. Parang lately, nagpaplano ako ng activities na hindi s'ya ang gusto ko kasama. Like a concert na I know I definitely want to attend na nagsabi na rin s'ya na gusto niya rin puntahan (though alam ko naman na nagkainterest lang siya sa artist recently dahil sinubukan ko ng iparinig sa kanya ang mga songs nila before at sabi niya hindi naman daw ganoon kaganda). So, I invited one of my officemates na fan din para kami ang magkasama.

Then, we have this office activity na pwedeng magsama ng ibang tao, ang ininvite ko agad ay ang highschool barkada ko para makasama.

Is it bad that I am now comfortable to do things without him? Is it only natural for me to want to spend more time with other people instead of him?

I haven't stopped talking to Nel but I think I really should, mas magulo nga ang sitwasyon, I mean, magulo na before, mas gumugulo pa.

I hope matapos na 'tong confusion na nararamdaman ko. I am still clinging to hope na sana maayos ko na ang nararamdaman ko. Pero I know na mas nahihirapan si ex-fiance

[simang]

^hi sis. i wish the same for you. na sana matapos na ang confusion mo. and if i were you i can better end my confusion if i live my own life muna without him. sure you get comfortable without him already, pero ask yourself, why did you take him back? the truth is ikaw lang naman ang makakasagot ng lahat ng unanswered questions mo. go fix yourself first, by yourself. wag mo na sya idamay dahil lalo mo lang sya masasaktan. know what you really want and stick to that. kung ano man desisyon mo panindigan mo. if you decided to be his partner again, then be a partner to him. you're being unfair to you and to him, lalo na.

[beach_n_sunsets]

^^It's definitely NOT bad when you do things na hindi siya ang kasama. We have our own lives kahit meron tayong mga ka-relasyon (for bf-gf level). Would a Friday night slumber party with your girl friends be the same if nandun siya? Sorry wala akong ibang maisip na example, but you know what I mean 

Naalala ko nung tinanong si Vilma Santos sa The Buzz 'ata 'yun if sabay ba sila laging naliligo ni Ralph Recto. Sabi ni Ate V flat out, "No. It's my 'me' time. Tsaka nawawala na 'yung intimacy between the couple if laging sabay maligo."

So before taking your ex-fiance (or any other male for that matter) back, live your own life muna as suggested by sis simang. I think mas clear magkapag-isip and makapag-desisyon if walang distractions around.

Good luck!

[three8one]

na bored ka lang TS, feeling mo kasi daily routine na lang yung ginagawa nyo ng ex mo. yung mga conversations nyo same topics na lang din siguro. paikot ikot na lang for the past 7 years kaya sumubok ka ng bago kaya ng dumating sa eksena si Nel yun ang parang nag trigger sayo na baguhin ang routine mo..

I suggest stop communicating kay Nel di makakatulong yun sa pag dedecide mo if mag stay ka kay ex o let go na talaga, concentrate and focus ka lang sa ex mo sa magiging future nyo, mag flash back ka ano yung mga bagay na nagustuhan mo sa taong toh (ex) na nakapag decide sayo para tanggapin mo yung alok nya na pakasal sayo. try mo rin i insert yung mga plans mo/nyo sa menu after ng wedding para atleast meron kayong something na nilo look forward, hindi lang basta few years after kundi yung as in pang long term hanggat maaari. sa ganun babalik yung excitement nyo sa isa't isa kasi mararamdaman mo marami pa pala kayong mga bagay na pwedeng gawin after ng kasal.

 

[peachlipstick]

Hello mga sis,

Late ko na na-update ang thread dahil medyo naging busy lang lately.

Thank you for all of your inputs. After some weeks of thinking, I decided to stay with my fiance and continue with the wedding plans. I love him and he has always proved that his love for me is greater than my mistakes and my fears.

I am still talking to Nel, yes. Pero unlike before, binawasan na namin ang pag-uusap namin. And I am planning to stop talking to him altogether for the mean time.