losing it

[braveheart999]

i dont know what to do nor feel anymore

turning 6yrs married soon, our married life has always been a pattern of verbal, emotional and occassionally physical abuse.


ang hrap ng feeling na ito. akala ko "nanaman" maayos  na kmi
but last sunday [textspeak!], I blew up bcoze he was being insensitive with his words. I just came home with our kid from a 3hr long traffic ride from out of town. overnight lang kami dun for a spiritual event. i have texted him that natraffic kami..no response. I could not call nor [textspeak!] while commuting bcoz I was looking after my kid and carrying our stuff. all i had in mind was to get home asap as I was already so tired and had a nagging headache that wouldn't go away.

When I got home and called him, bungad nya sakin "GINUSTO MO YAN EH"..wow..I was so mad because of his insensitivity. May ugali kasi talaga sya. ayaw nyang sinasabayan siya kapag galit siya, ayaw niyang binabara siya or taasan boses sa kanya. Pero wag ka, siya ang lang ang entitled maging ganun. You know what I got just because of raising my voice which is not even shouting at all? I got verbal and psychological abuse all over again..

he told me sana mamatay na ako..na ang sama ng paguugali ko..na walang wala akong kwenta, puro mura, pinalabas siya na kinawawa sya..omg like paanong kinawawa? eh kulang nalang patayin niya na ako mismo sa sama ng mga sinabi niya. kesyo nakakarma na raw ako kaya ako nagkakasakit. at sana balang araw mamatay na raw ako pra maging sobrang saya na niya..at mas may iba pang magmamahal sa kanya di gaya sakin na nagpapanggap lang at bobo

I admit my faults. and my fault was just to raise my voice telling him "bakit ganyan ka magsalita sakin? alam mo na ngang pagod ang tao at di ko ginusto to!" after he told me na GINUSTO MO YAN. then that is what I got, and more..sobrang dami niya pang sinabi, hindi ko na siguro ilalagay pa lahat dito..pero lahat ng masamang maisip niyo, sinabi niya. he even went as far as saying that dyos dyosan lang daw meron ako (sa spiritual retreat na pinuntahan ko) he even compared me sa kasamaan ng kuya ko (kasi he has abandoned his family) how can he even compare me to him? I never abandoned my kid nor him, even if 7 yrs na Im xperiencing all sorts of abuse from him.i have been responsible for our child, kahit na madalis in a year iniiwan niya sakin lahat ng responsibilities pagnagka episode siya ng ganito. which ginawa niya ulit sabihin sakin kagabi..na BAHALA KA NA SA BATA..etc..he just wants to say whatever he wants to say..wlang preno...

this has been going on for years...on and off...

He doesn't value me, for d longest time. He doesn't apologize for all d hurt and abuse he does to me. he never took any of his hurtfull and curseful words back. but time and time again I have forgiven him in my heart by still accepting him simply because I love him. Sometimes I am thinking maybe this is not love anymore that I am feeling for him. I do not know what I have bcom anymore, how I was able to cope all these yrs from him..saan ko ba nakuha itong capacity na ito na magmahal at magpatawad? I wasn't like dis before wyl growing up..I do not know y ganito ako..what have I done to deserve this? I wish wala na akong capacity maging ganito katanga at ganito kapatient...why have I become so weak and allowed him to do this to me for years and years. how do I get out of this cycle.


Everyday I pray when I passby sa church on my way to work, na sana Lord, give me the courage to let go of the things that are not for me anymore..give me the enlightenment to do what is right..and heal my heart..take my shattered heart and please heal it..I have no power to do it..Please Lord I don't want to be like this anymore..please make me strong..

I have known for yrs what I should do..what I should have done..and yet here I am, here is the endless capacity to love and forgive, which I gave to someone so undeserving of it..som1 who doesn't appreciate it..who doesn't care about it..who takes it for granted for years.

i would really appreciateto hear ur thoughts about this..if any of you had experienced this and had found peace and victory out of this..please share what you did...what you went through, to get to where you are..bcoz right now I feel like a hopeless case already..i feel like if ever i really die it woudn't even matter to him..i am believing already na [textspeak!] akong kwenta....i dont want my kid to grow up seeing me like this..i dont want my child to go through what I did..i dont want to waste more years to come being this so unhappy and so much in pain, so shattered..I want to be happy na..I no longer want to live in fear and walk on eggshells...

[fionaapple]

sis pamedical examination ka. basta may record ka lang. i-report mo kaya ang asawa mo? pero kung hindi mo kaya, kahit blotter na lang muna. for future reference.

pero ang talagang advice ko, kung 7 years nang ganyan cycle of verbal and physical abuse, pa-medical examination ka, get the medical certificate... magpa psychological counseling ka rin para matulungan ka. iwan mo na yan....actually pwede ka mag-file ng case sa kanya pero nasa sa iyo yun...

[erza0916]

Grabe naman para makapag bitaw sya ng ganung salita sayo.. never ko tatagalan yang ganyang pang aabuso. Hindi na pagmamahal ang meron sa isang relationship na ganyan. I don't know how one person can deliberately hurt his/her partner's feelings like that. Try mo kaya irecord mga sinasabi nya tapos parinig mo pag medyo ok na kayo. Ano kaya maffeel nya? Iwan mo na yan sis. Madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin, pero hindi imposible. Seek help, any help. Pray but also take action.

[hisana]

Na-high blood ako just reading your post, sis! I know every marriage has its problems, but if it's already a very regular occurrence, hindi ko rin matatagalan yan. So toxic for everyone, and especially bad for your child, IMO. Ako na lumaki na laging nag-aaway yung parents ko...I still remember all the stress and drama up to this day. My mom wanted to leave my dad but never did. Maybe she thought things would get better, or maybe she was too scared to do so. Unfortunately things never got any better.

It looks like he is very stressed in life and is taking it out on you, or maybe his love/interest in the marriage has temporarily waned. If there only a very few truly happy moments in your marriage na, kung ako lang tatanungin, I'd try to spend time away from him, para lang to reflect on things and to show him na grabe na itong situation and I really need a break from him. I'm sure na-try nyo na daanin sa usapan yung mga issues nyo, yet this still happens, so maybe it's time to try a new approach. Good luck.

[cutemama]

Sis I know  alam mo kung anong dapat gawin.. you're just scared to face and accept it.
Hindi na healthy ang relationship niyo.. hiwalayan mo na siya, I think wala na siyang love na nararamdaman sayo.. kasi bakit ganun gusto na niyang mamatay ka? Grabe naman yun sis.
Huwag ka ng manghinayang sa 6 yrs niyo.. IMO. Tsaka kawawa yung baby niyo sis. Baka matrauma siya pag lagi niya nakikita nag aaway kayo.. Huwag mo ng hayaang saktan ka niya physically pati ang baby mo..

[quinone]

i don't want to sound like a kontrabida pero what is it sa ugali mo na he does not like? maybe i am jumping to conclusions pero when he said "ginusto mo yan" it's as if pagkauwi mo pa lang mukha ka na sigurong pagod at the same time complained about your headache? maybe that's why he said dyos-dyosan lang yung pinuntahan mo? because he expects na after a spiritual event mas magaan ka kasama? maybe ayaw niya talaga na pumunta kayo doon in the first place kaya siya ganyan?

he doesn't say sorry to you after a fight? kahit kelan? hindi siya nagiging sweet para magbati kayo? when he said this to you: "at sana balang araw mamatay na raw ako pra maging sobrang saya na niya" makes me think na ayaw na rin niya. maybe he feels he doesn't have a choice kasi you are married to each other and have a kid.

we always have a choice sa buhay, yun nga lang some of them are hard and difficult decisions to make.

[Evolet027]

Iwan mo na and start a new life kasama ang anak mo. Wag mo ng patagalin na ganyan ang situation mo. You had enough.

[Girltalker2]

 
I guess women abused know they're not happy in the situation. They also know the right thing to do.

The struggle lang talaga is having the guts to stand up for your rights and not allow yourself to be abused.

Ang masasabi ko lang is kahit gaano mo ka mahal ang isang tao, if you cannot love yourself, mahihirapan din ang ibang tao mahalin ka.

[glamorosa_09]

Meron isang GT sis dito eh, meron syang thread dito. Her latest update this February was nakaalis na sya sa puder sa husband nya, naka-hanap na sya ng work.

She lives abroad with no families/relatives there. She was financially dependent on her husband.

What made her decide to leave, I guess, basing lang from our exchanges

1. She did her own research and reading about marital, emotional abuse. She found out na her husband has sociopathic and narcissitic tendencies. Actually she called him as sociopath and narcissist, kung ano naman yung makakatulong sa kanya, yun yung mahalaga.

2. She realized hindi na magbabago husband nya. May times na sweet and loving husband nya, pero para lang makuha ng husband nya yung mga gusto nya. Nakita nya yung cycle na puro away with intermittent loving moments. I guess she got fed up na with the cycle.

3. Mababa na ang self-esteem nya, wala na syang confidence sa sarili, but along her struggle, slowly narerealize nya yung self-worth nya. I guess, nakakatulong kapag may nakakausap sya about her struggle. When you talk to an abused woman, you don't bombard them with advices and what to do. You treat them as capable women who can solve their own problems. Presence and pang-unawa ang kailangan nila.

I guess yun yung malaking tulong, being educated about the status of your marriage and nature of your husband; realization that he will not change; and ma-regain nila paunti-unti yung self-esteem at self-worth nila. With her naman, she has a friend who lent her a hand din na makaalis.

This is just from my POV, baka iba yung turning point nya.

[aquacharly]

You say you want to be happy na.  Fine. But see, happiness doesn't just happen... You must design your happy life and work at it.

But you're on the right track towards your happiness - you acknowledge your tolerance of the things that have been going on for years, are aware of your shortcomings & now want a different life.

It's not a simple matter of just leaving. For all his mean heartedness, you may still love him.  Or, for financial  reasons it would not be practical to just kick him out of your life.  It took years and a lot of little & big choices to get yourself to that unhappy place. So, start making big & little decisions of better choices & hard work to crawl out from there to a better place for you.  Make the 1st Small Step to break your unhappy script.

Where to start? This may diffuse tension the most:
Define clearly what is that one big or small thing your husband requires or needs from you.  Warranted man or not, it is that 1 thing that may mean the most for him that comes from you. (1 friend analyzed it as her cooking for him and supervising his meals. Once she consistently delivered on that -- the relationship got less rocky.  Another's husband just wanted to be talked to nicely, yung paglalambing)

I am not saying he has grounds for such abusive behavior.  No excuse really for that. It's bad, and abnormal to over react violently to a simple matter. 
But you need time to design your new life -- so, best to tone down distractions or destructive inputs from him. 

Isipin mo din -- could it be, puede kaya? You are also emotionally and verbally abusive?  Baka take turns Lang kayo, hindi puede sabayan you said -- so, unahan lang kayo?  You commented too na baket sya Lang may right to act with rudeness?  (What right? Nobody has the right to be rude, it's a lapse of better judgment or lack of breeding -- not a right.)
I may have gotten it wrong but ang gets ko you are able to give verbal/emo tit for tat too.  Pagalingan din kayo.  You just choose to bide your time, pero you have your "moments". Sa pag ka alam ko, victims of abusers don't dare have their moments, or even raise their voice at their abusers.

Nobody's perfect. But everybody has the choice to accept or reject another's imperfections. You know what you want. You know who you are. You know what he is.  just make a small 1st Step to move towards where you want to become happy. 

Good luck. Take better care of yourself.