Problems you encounter while preparing for your wedding (Part 6)

[120515]

i guess for filipino weddings, the "pamamanhikan" is part of our wedding preparations because it's tradition.

but i agree with the others that the reason your dad may be a bit grumpy is because he is not yet prepared to give you away more than anything else. i guess you can ask your fiance on his plans about it since this responsibility falls squarely on his shoulders.

my fiance has been very guilty for the past few months because he hasn't formally asked my parents for my hand in marriage. he feels like he has stolen me because we're already civilly married. good thing my parents are very cool about it all. though my fiance will still talk to my papa mano a mano when we go on vacation.

[sparklingjewel]

My current problem is the guestlist which seems to be expanding uncontrollably. Before we were only targeting to invite 200 pax, when FMIL decided she needed to have 50 seats for her friends and so we ended up at 250 pax (that's 310-320 pax invited). I was relieved that didn't become a super big issue then because she offered to shoulder the food which technically makes the +50 pax okay.

When fiance submitted his list to me, biglang nasa 345 na sya. I got annoyed super because his side already takes up 75% (yes literally, a bit more pa!) of the guestlist and he cannot even manage it to that number! Ano, magbabawas pa ako ng friends para kanya na kaya yung buong reception?!?! I have no issue with the split. Really. Malaki family nya e. Gets ko yun. What I am having an issue with now because alam naman niya that the ideal guest count for our venue is only 150-200 (and 200 is pushing it ha, we wont even be able to layout it the way we want) tapos we're trying to squeeze in 250 na nga hindi pa sya nagstay within that. I messaged him about it and am waiting to hear his side. But at this point, I wish he would exert some effort in keeping within our agreements so as not to stress me out.

I really just wanted an intimate wedding with only people who are actually close to us. The last thing I want is a fancy party with all these people i do not even recognize, sitting at the tables and I have to fake a smile to them the entire night knowing that even my fiance probably doesn't even remember their name... But I guess the former vision is really out of the window na. I do not GET why Filipinos like to have celebrations like this na kung sino sino 'kailangan' iinvite para lang di ma-offend or what. And to have to spend to feed them pa ha and invites and all.. i just do not get it i'm sorry. For me a wedding should be about the couple, not their parents, not their parents' friends or very distant relatives or business partners or what. I don't like Chinese weddings simply because they are awkward like that. And while we are not having one, to me it feels like one ngayon na mas madami pang unfamiliar names in fiance's guestlist vs. my entire list. I am a sad bride. 

Minor issue: May nasa guestlist ni fiance na friend nya who previously had an issue with me (to the point na sinisiraan niya ako online--so why would i want her at my wedding?!). Need to chat with fiance on this too.

There is a part of me now wishing when I wake up we aren't having this big wedding here anymore, just a small civil wedding abroad where we can only bring 30 of the most impt people to us.. baka mas masaya pa ako don. These recent hiccups definitely make me a lot less excited for the so-called big day. Pwede bang wag nalang muna?? This isn't how I envisioned our once in a lifetime event to be.

How do you girls manage it when it's the groom or the groom's family who is causing you the stress??

[bzbee]

it seems like guys really find it harder not to invite people they know. when h2b and I were doing our guest list, ang dami niyang invited. as in pati friends niya na he hasn't seen in years and i haven't even met. samantalang ako super cut down agad and I dont even care kung may magtampo. my girlfriends who are also planning their weddings have the same problem. what is it with guys?

regarding our parents' guests naman, sa simula pa lang ng wedding preps we already made it clear na we can't invite any of their friends. its not even about the cost of additional head, we just want to be surrounded by people who actually love and care about us on our wedding. luckily, my father understands and he controls my mom whenever pinipilit niya. while my FMIL naman walang palag when h2b says no. to compensate, we just let each of them pick one PS. that's it.

ang stress ko ngayon is the kids. sobrang daming kids sa family ni h2b. and i hate kids (lol) ayoko ng maingay, takbo ng takbo, nanggugulo during program, iiyak during mass... OMG iniisip ko pa lang high blood na ko. i keep begging fiance not to invite the kids na pero hindi daw pwede.

[caleeice]

Hi sis sparklingjewel, my fiancé invited a lot of his friends too. So what I did was to be consistent in saying that we'll only invite those who value us (i.e., respond to our invite or extend their congrats/best wishes) and explain to fiancé why I had to remove some of his friends.

What I did to trim down our list was to make an FB event where I invited our friends and posted FAQs every so often to remind them to respond. I REMOVED Those who did not "join" or reached out to us to even say congratulations/best wishes. My fiancé pleaded to retain some of them, but I said that okay, I'll give them 2 more weeks. If they don't respond, I'm sorry but we're crossing them off the list. He agreed. So I was able to cross some of them out! Hahaha.

We only sent invitations to the remaining guests on our FB event. We repeatedly sent text confirmation messages to everyone. We also gave our friends an ultimatum: no RSVP, no seat card! Again, I REMOVED all those who didn't confirm. From 260, we're now at 190! I'm happy because these people are really the ones close to us and our families. As they say, TEST OF FRIENDSHIP ito. Hahaha!

[sparklingjewel]

bzbee and caleeice, yung nararamihan ako na strangers are more of MIL's friends not really fiance's. As in wow andamiiiiii parang naging wedding nya at hindi ko wedding. Pero i notice he did invite old high school friends (one of which didnt invite him naman to his recent wedding haha). Ako nga i didn't even invite anyone na hindi close sa akin or yung for formality lang kailangan iinvite. Pag relative na hindi close sa akin kahit kilala ng mom ko, off the list. Prob is mostly oldoes yan kaya i cant expect them to respond to an FB event invite either.

Kaya medyo masakit sakin na ganito yung kakalabasan ako lang pala nagsacrifice to get the small wedding i want, yung side ni fiance hinde. Wala silang pake kung big wedding. Kung magsasayang kami ng invites. But i will make it my mission not to have my wedding ruined by this... pag yan di nagkasya sa venue ko i will ease them out bahala sila! Hahahaha try ko din yang no RSVP no seat!! Will not tolerate na may walk-ins and uninvited guests in my reception. Will tell coordinator it is my directive not to accommodate also since limited seating capacity. *evil laugh*

[caleeice]

^Sis, maybe your fiance can talk to his mom. My fiance explained to his mom that we really want an intimate wedding and that she can invite all other friends and relatives to our 2nd celebration.

Another tip to trim down your list come RSVP time is to personally text them. For the elders, we didn't mention no RSVP, no seat card. We were nice by saying something in the lines of "we look forward to your confirmation... please text our RSVP team by (insert date)... etc". We sent 2-3 follow up messages for those who didn't respond. I was surprised that some actually replied to politely decline. It actually works!  Hope that helps. Good luck sis!

[rightback]

sis sparklingjewel, unfortunately our parents' generation ay super matampuhin. and so far i noticed chinese weddings are usually big--like dapat the members of this association invited or else magtatampo, the business contacts etc etc. anyway, one of my chinese friends explained to me its like fund raising daw for the couple (yun yung tingin niya kasi bumabawi daw sa gastos). but i wish they would really be more understanding that our generation prefer to have people that we know suring our weddings.

my mom would call me once in a while for people that she forgot to include in the guest list. but i keep telling her we will filter this out and just stick with 200 pax--220 at most. maybe you can talk this with h2b so he can deal with you MIL about it? and i saw a diagram somewhere about who to invite during your wedding. the type where if the friend only knows the bride and not the groom, they are already cut from the guest list--which is what im doing since i have more friends.

and yes at a certain point i just want to drop all this, fly to a remot island with just h2b and a photographer then get married.

[blackgreen]

Hi sis sparklingjewel. Super naiintindihan kita. Ganyan ganyan din side ni h2b. Gusto lahat invited. One time his sister told him na wag ipapakita yun invite namin kasi maooffend sila dun sa seats reserved and rsvp. Sabi ko wedding natin to pinagbigyan na sila na 2 wedding kaya wag nila pakialaman yun gusto namin. Pinagpilitan talaga namin na small and intimate wedding lang. Ayun ang ending we will have 2 weddings. 1 this May 29 and 1 in October. Kahit ang lapit na ng May 29 wala ako nafefeel. Hindi nga ako excited sa event. Mas excited pa ako na paguwi namin from province magkasama na kami sa bahay.

Pag ganitong super stressed na ako sa kanila si h2b ang kinakausap ko. Ineexplain ko lahat lahat. May times umeepekto minsan wala kami choice compromise na lang with his family.

Last week super stress ako dun sa damit  kasi hindi maganda fit though hindi ko na lang inintindi. Bahala na sila.

[sevenstars]

sparklingjewel, I'm sorry you're dealing with that -- your fiance should definitely be sticking to the number you agreed to, and standing up to his mom. Can he explain to her that it's not just a matter of cost, but a matter of space? At the end of the day, hindi sila kasya. It's not like you can magically expand your venue!

[Chili1113]

hi sparklingjewel! Oh no... I know what you feel. Ganyan na ganyan what happened in my 1st wedding but it was my mother who kept inviting! Then worse, the grooms father started inviting people by word of mouth in their province, even without an invitation ha!! Eh sa province that time I dont think they expect a formal invitation, they just go! Nagugulat nalang my ex that someone will call as RSVP and say that they are attending and bought their ticket to Manila na! OMG eh wala sa guest list namin and no invitation! Ggggrrrr... Because of that there were actual guests that were displaced in my wedding. As in NO SEAT! Because when they get to their assigned table, someone else was occupying it! OMG nagulo pa yung seating arrangement and it wasnt my coordinator JP's fault because nga there were uninvited guests that just showed up!!

Thankfully this time around, that is something the family of H2B will never ever do!! Inviting THEIR friends by word of mouth, even if we dont know about it! OMG diba?

Anyway, nako... tell nalang your fiance nicely. Heheh ako din I keep making parinig to H2B that if he hasnt seen a friend of his in many years, dapat out of the list. Or if the friend didnt invite him to their wedding and they arent that close, out din dapat.

It really is annoying because each guest costs so much to feed! Not to mention the date they will bring, plus the additional table decor pa! Hay nako

[simang]

and yes at a certain point i just want to drop all this, fly to a remot island with just h2b and a photographer then get married.

We almost did this. A few weeks back lang. As in decided na talaga ako na magcivil wedding na lang kami somewhere far. Nakapili na ko ng island and I already contacted the owner of the resort, reserving our date. We had our vacation there last year and maliit lang yung resort kaya kilala nila kami, kaya madali ko silang nakausap about it. May kinausap na din akong photo/video team to fly with us. I was excited. Willing na ko ilet go lahat ng DPs namin for our November wedding, and already scouting for airfares. When we were supposed to meet the p/v team for contract signing, fiance and I had a heart to heart talk. I ask him what it is that he really wants for our wedding, kasi sinabi ko talaga sa kanya na I want to elope para matapos na. He was silent tapos after a while sinabi nya lang na he always wanted to have a church wedding kasi he knows that's what our parents want for us. Gusto nyang ituloy yung original plan namin for November, na he's considering this elopement lang just because he feels na I badly want it. Yun ang isa sa mga pinaka dramatic moment namin lol. Parehas kaming nagbreak down, realizing I was becoming selfish dahil lang nasstress kami sa pagpaplano ng kasal. Haayy. So I decided to stand by him. Madalas kasi pagdating sa kasal namin ako ang nasusunod, so this time gusto ko naman gawin yung gusto nya.

With regards to guest list.. I'm stoked that we were able to finally finish our initial guest list. Haha. Infairness kay h2b, once ko lang sya sinabihan na tapusin nya guest list nya, ginawa nya agad. Yung sa akin pa ang nahirapan ako ifinalize. Lalo na hirap akong itrim down ang extended family sa dad side ko.

Sis Chilli, wahaha relate na relate ako. I've seen so many weddings in the province (my sister's included) na by word of mouth and invitation. Kaloka. Yung sa sister ko they were expecting 300 guests and it ballooned to almost 400 on the day itself dahil sa mga malayongkamaganak at dating friends na 20 yrs naman na hindi nakikita ng Ate ko. Yung tipong pag nakita nya kelangan pa iremind kung sino at kaninong kamag anak. Hay. Stressful talaga.

[rightback]

sis simang for us naman what's preventing us to elope will be the heartbreak our parents would feel especially from my side since i'm the first one to get married.  good thing lang about all these stress--it will show how much you will both stand by each other.

as for provincial weddings--haay crazy. we opted not to get married in our province since it will spiral out of control. during a cousin's wedding before same thing happened, word of mouth invite and we the family were the ones displaced. we were seated outside the ballroom in the pool area. the bad thing pa were the drivers of these word of mouth invitees that were inside! and for some reason di uso and seat assignments sa probinsya.

[simang]

sis simang for us naman what's preventing us to elope will be the heartbreak our parents would feel especially from my side since i'm the first one to get married.  good thing lang about all these stress--it will show how much you will both stand by each other.

as for provincial weddings--haay crazy. we opted not to get married in our province since it will spiral out of control. during a cousin's wedding before same thing happened, word of mouth invite and we the family were the ones displaced. we were seated outside the ballroom in the pool area. the bad thing pa were the drivers of these word of mouth invitees that were inside! and for some reason di uso and seat assignments sa probinsya.

Concern din nya yung parents namin actually, kasi kami naman youngest parehas. Totoo naman talaga na magtatampo sa kanya parents ko if we pushed through with that. Anyway, so at least we're back to regular planning. Haha. I don't know pero after that parang ang dali na ng preps haha

Ganyan din nangyare sa wedding ng sister ko :/ As in may mga guests na prinovidan na lang ng mahabang chair para may maupuan man lang. -_-

[Chili1113]

Grabe talaga yung mga univited guests nakakainis LOL Although ex-father-in-law ko yung sneaky about that. Hindi niya pinaalam na he invited mga friends niya na iba. Then I guess when they get to the wedding and wala name nila sa seating assignments, they just go in and randomly sit anywhere!! That time it wasnt naman uso to give instructions to the coordinator na no entry for names not on the list. especially when they saw my ex-in-laws greet and welcome them, alangan naman di papasukin.

Super embarrassing to my dad's two best friends. Because they were one of the people who got displaced. As in they just left the reception even before dinner started because there was no where to sit. Super dyahe because they brought pa gifts and di man lang naka kain or even order a drink! Gosh I had to call them and several people to apologize personally for what happened.

To think ha, my wedding was in Manila but meron pa din ganon nangyari. LOL in fairness to them nag effort pa the uninvited guests to come all the way from Bicol that time haha

[sparklingjewel]

Thanks everyone for the moral support! Really going through a difficult time with this and it really helps that i have you guys since fiance and I only get to see each other on weekends and most times when there are issues like this between us sa wedding preps he and I really do not get to resolve it agad. I really appreciate all the words of advice you guys gave and will be sure to use them.
I will talk to fiance this weekend about standing up to his mom, keeping our agreed number of guests that would fit the venue, and also wisely choosing who to invite to be part of our priority guestlist. Also about excluding people we do not personally know or who have atraso to us in the past hehe-- that should keep us united in the face of these challenges.

Sa totoo lang when i realized last night that this wedding is turning out to be his mom's wedding and not mine, with all the conflict on the gown before and the guestlist now, i could not sleep anymore... ang lakas na ng urge ko to just develop a plan B that is truly ours-- and one that i will be happy with. Nakakasuka isipin na we will push through with all these expenses and not be happy with it in the end. Pero with all the downpayments already made syempre hindi narin madali yun. I just wish he and his family realize that it is part of respecting me to keep within what we want for the wedding, that this wedding is about us and not anyone else. It is not about the money, they can always pay for whatever extra they want-- it is about allowing us to truly have what we wanted for an event that will only happen once in our lives.

Regarding uninvited guests--- will talk to my coordinator na i will not accept walk-ins talaga esp after i make sure to call up each and every one of the invited guests. No RSVP, no seat. Pag-iisipan ko how to do this in a more politically correct manner but at the end of the day, if they care about the couple they will respect them and RSVP properly and i will also respect those who did by giving them their assigned seats. Those who didnt-- bahala kayo.

[xsugar]

hugs to sis sparklingjewel, malalampasan mo din yan..I have the same prob with h2b's family but I insisted on keeping the guests to the number WE can only pay. I talked to h2b at night and discuss my point of views and reasons..i don't mean to be harsh pero talaga naman WE are the one paying for our wedding kaya dapat masusunod din gusto natin (bride and groom). We can take in consideration to invite their (parents's friends) friends but only to a limited number. hayss..if we can only do this na tayo-tayo lang and the way we want it!good luck to us all.

[reese17]

^ sparklingjewel, you're not alone! Don't let these niggles detract you from your plans. I also encountered the same issue with my in-laws-to-be but I'm learning to let it go (and praying hard that may fallout talaga, hehe.)

It will all work out in the end but I agree that you should be 100% transparent with your fiance so that he's aware that these things are upsetting you. Guys can be really clueless about how we perceive wedding hitches. Siguro feeling nila kayang kaya natin ayusin yung plan since it's "the bride's day" but ugh, IF THEY ONLY KNEW!!!

I honestly also struggled with thoughts like, "how can you all tell me it's my show eh this is turning out to be the bayan's wedding" (lol) but contingency plan nalang. I'm also planning to tell my OTD to direct uninvited guests to a buffer table or else, sorry no table for you guys. Heaven forbid guests who actually RSVP-ed will get displaced! :|

[sevenstars]

Chili, grabe your kwento! In fairness nga super effort yung uninvited guests mo, haha. My mom asked me nga what my backup plan is for walk-ins... ang tindi naman kung hanggang overseas may walk-in parin. lol.

sparklingjewel, good luck talking to your fiance -- I'm sure everything will work out. It sounds like you've tried really hard to compromise with his family, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

[sparklingjewel]

^reese17 Hay we love our men but they just do not realize kasi how it impacts us when they brush off these things that we raise as "issues"--- sana marealize nila na seryoso tayo na issue na sya talaga when the bride is thinking about calling off the big celebration in favor of elopement! There are at least 3 of us in this thread who are beginning to think this way. Hehe. Nakakasuka isipin, it makes me wanna postpone the wedding until i figure out a better way to manage unwanted guests.

[caleeice]

Sis, I think the thought of elopement is becoming popular lately. Hehe. I also told fiance before that I wanted to elope na because I'm so tired and stressed of preps (huge part of stress is because of my family hehe). Nagalit si fiance, he told me we can't and shouldn't elope because he wanted us to get married in church and that we should push through with my dream wedding. It's sweet of him to say that, pero nakakainis talaga. Haha!