please delete

[m_lim]

please delete, mods. thanks.

[design21]

sis so from the start hindi niyo napaguusapan ang contributions niyo sa savings? paano mo nadiscover na ayaw niya sa set up niyo? and tama ka naman na dapat may secret account ka na hindi niya alam. is he chinese as well? baka magkaiba lang kayo ng beliefs, upbringing etc. maswerte pa kayo kasi hindi kinakapos sobra pa nga siguro saka nagsisimula palang naman kayo magawaykayo kung more than 10 years na kayo married wala pa din kayo savings.

[glamorosa_09]

Hmmm... so your husband is the only one doing the family savings. He wants to have a bigger saving dahil he wants to own a house. The way I see it, the reason why he feels negatively about your spending, not to mention your secret saving, is because he doesn't feel you helping him, which could translate to him not feeling your help/support in achieving his dream which is to own a house, or baka may iba pa syang hidden dreams that he has not shared with you yet.

On your side, you don't see the need to help him save, kasi nga hindi naman kayo kinakapos. But then I do agree that you also deserve a freedom to use the money you earned in whatever way you want. For you, it's also important to have that contingency savings dahil may takot ka rin about what could happen in the future.

Normal naman to sa mag-asawa when they have opposing dreams/life goals. Goal ng asawa mo magkabahay or other hidden goals na need ng money, goal mo is to enjoy yourself and to have your contingency saving. This is where you both should meet in the middle. Hindi pwedeng goal nya lang at the expense of your goal. At hindi rin pwedeng goal mo lang at the expense of his'. That's marriage, as much as possible, tulungan kayo to reach each other's dreams and goals.

I think you need to have a dialogue and try to understand where each of you is coming from. Maybe you could have a talk on how important are these life goals to each of you. During that discussion, important is that there is respect and empathy, the desire to listen and understand. How much money are you willing to deposit in your joint account? How much is enough for you to enjoy yourself plus  your secret saving? May iba pa bang paraan for you to show your support without adding to the savings? And sya naman, meron pa ba syang ibang goals for the money? why does he want to own a house when you have your father's, can he delay the fulfillment of that dream?

Mga ganun, define what are your negotiables - yung willing kang ibigay or isacrifice, and your non-negotiables - yung hindi mo kayang i-give in. Ganun din sa kanya.

This is how I view your present issue, and given that, this is the best suggestion I could offer you. Unless meron pa 'tong pinag-uugatan na mas malalim na issue, na hindi applicable yung suggestion ko.

[TysLolakins]

i'm with you sis TS,  walang right yung husband mo to demand that you contribute to the joint account.  the fact that everything is provided for already by you/your family (dwelling, food, utilities, help),  that's more than enough contribution to your own household (you, him, baby).
you seem to be used to that kind of lifestyle,  and the important thing is you can support it without a dime from him.  dapat nga matuwa pa siya instead na mainis.
if you have the means to enjoy life, i say good for you.
i bet what he really wants but cannot say directly to you is for you not to withdraw that 10k every month.  he seems to resent it that not only are you not contributing to the account but you have to withdraw that amount too.
i maybe harsh in rationalizing that he wants access to your funds to buy a house that he can say his or he has a right to.  yung bahay na bigay sa iyo ng father mo,  wa right siya doon kasi inheritance yon. kung maghihiwalay kayo,  untouchable yon dahil hindi conjugal property.
(i bet i'll get a lot of flak from this...)

[glamorosa_09]

I see, so there's a deeper issue nga. Kung baga you were feeling lonely because of his physical and emotional absence. You wanted to connect with him but he seems to be distancing himself from the family. He's not making an effort to spend time with you. This makes you feel lonely and dissatisfied. This is what you were saying, right?

When did you start feeling this way? 3 years pa lang kayong married, parang maaga pa.

So you opened this up, about how you feel in your  marriage, but unexpectedly he brought up your spending habit and your family business. Parang, anong kuneksyon?

But since he brought up money issue in two  instances, I can't help but wonder,  meron ba syang insecurity because of the status of your family? Maybe the reason why he wants to own a house is to prove to himself that he can do it. And the fact na walang syang iniintindi sa bahay, is it possible that it's fanning his insecurity?

I couldn't bring myself to believe yet na it's just because he couldn't buy a new car/watch, that's why he's distancing himself. Parang bata lang? Mag-aact out sya if he couldn't get what he wants. And are you conviced na ganun talaga sya?

Merong ibang chinese parents na mababa tingin nila sa mga pinoy. Na when their daughter have a pinoy bf, they would really discourage it. There was this one classmate of mine, ang tagal pa bago matanggap nila yung lalaki. Medyo parinig galore din si mother pag nasa family event si boylet. Meron bang ganitong issue sa inyo when you were bf-gf pa lang?

[bagaholic_chewy]

Like ^, I also feel na baka naiinsecure si hubby mo financially. He wants a house para hindi kayo somehow "dependent" sa family mo (house, utilities, etc). Perhaps that's why gusto nya makaipon agad ng malaki so you can move out and live on your own na..

I just have to ask: are your parents living nearby? Are they always visiting or something? Is the house gift to you alone, or sa inyong dalawa as wedding gift?

You should talk it out. Be open din sa kung ano man sabihin nya. If issue talaga ang contribution sa family finances, then perhaps you should start discussing monthly budget and such - utilities, bills, savings, household expenses, etc. You may tell him na you didn't see the need to contribute sa savings kasi you thought ang toka mo na is yung household expenses. Maybe din he wants a more active role in the household?

As to the parang hindi excited umuwi, let him open up to you why.. when at home, does he feel like he is the head of the household? Do you consult him on some decisions re the household? Baka kasi since ikaw gumagastos lahat for the household e nafi-feel nya na hindi sya "at home" kasi wala syang contribution..

[Girltalker2]

Kinda worried sa hubby ni TS - may history sya ng pambababae? 


Second, we have to understand - hindi siguro lahat - pero sa nakita ko on mixed marriages - normally finances is treated differently by a Chinese and a Filipino.  Sa Chinese kasi, what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine, kung ano ang pinaghirapan ko, akin iyan, yung pinaghirapan mo sayo.  Though for wives, especially if the guy promised the moon and the stars - you know how the saying is - what is hubby's is mine, what is mine is min.

Kaso for Filipinos, in general (hindi naman lahat), we see how matulungin everyone is to their immediate families, relatives and the clan. What is mine can be shared to everyone else therefore I expect na whatever you have, you should also share it with me.

TS, I am not saying you are wrong. Tingin ko culturally iba ang pagtrato ninyo sa pera. You buy your signature bags, but do you buy him his Rolex or kahit na Omega man lang?  Maybe not?  You book trips abroad, sinasama mo ba sya?  Or ikaw lang? This could also be a source of ill feelings, if ever meron.

And I understand you kung ikaw lang ang may signature bags at wala syang Montblanc pen.  Kasi you are living within your means at sya din dapat? 

[Girltalker2]

kasi unang una, kaya naman ng sahod niya eh. hindi siya naghihirap. malaki ang salary niya sa age group namin. kaya baket ganon.

baka hindi sya matipid. baka magastos sya.

[cmax]

what if part lang ng income mo ang ilagay mo sa joint and continue saving your own money as a safety net, do you think that will work for him? agree on a certain amount na icocontribute mo sa joint account?

[cmax]

I think iniisip kasi nya "joint" hehe kaya dapat meron ka din contribution sa savings na yun regardless of the fact that you are handling household expenses din. I know that sometimes we feel things aren't fair but most of the time it's about compromise or sacrifice e. Hopefully that'll settle it. Let's hope for the best.

[Girltalker2]

IMO, since malaki ang sweldo nya, he should take care of a fixed budget for ALL the basic expenses of the house (TS excluding your signature bags ha hehe). That way, di na gagalaw yun. Say 10k for baby, 10k for groceries, 20k for electricity, gas, water, internet, transportation and miscellaneous. Basta agree with him an amount. Tapos nasa sayo magbudget, and if ma over, ikaw na bahala.  If kaya nya iyan gawin, then I do not find anything wrong if you can contribute 10k din sa joint account.

Hindi ba fair lang?

Kasi malaki naman sweldo nya.

Paano kung magaaral narin ang anak nyo, I assume dapat sya magshoulder ng school expenses.

[glamorosa_09]

kasi unang una, kaya naman ng sahod niya eh. hindi siya naghihirap. malaki ang salary niya sa age group namin. kaya baket ganon.

Paano pala kayo nagdecide sa ganitong set-up, na 10k for baby from him, all house bills from family business? Napagkasunduan nyo ba itong dalawa?

Hindi ko kasi magets bakit di sya nagko-contribute gayong malaki naman pala ang sahod nya. So what's stopping him from contributing? Unless gusto nya agad palakihin savings nya.

nasabi rin pala niya na bakit yung officemates niya na parehong empleyado, nakakabili ng properties. samantalang kami na mas maluwag, hindi makabili. ang akin lang, what for? may bahay kami. at sa tingin ba niya, kung di ako nagttrabaho eh sasagutin ng family business ang expenses ko? siyempre hindi. i contribute sa business therefore, may part ako sa kita.

Yan ba talaga ang desire nya, to invest on properties, to increase assets? San ba nanggagaling yung dreams na yan? Is it really out of pride lang or insecurity, or is it coming from a childhood dream of his?

Iba rin siguro kung galing sa sariling pagsisikap ninyong mag-asawa yung investments. It could give him a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Iba rin kasi yung properties na mana. Kasi kung ito talaga ang dream nya, the wife's support means a lot. But at least you'rr will to help in the saving, though baka napipilitan ka lang.

[ataypool]

I think you are contributing more than enough financially. Di ko rin maintindihan asawa mo. Naalarma ako sa sabi mo nagloko na siya noon, and yes magtabi ka na para sa sarili mo. 

[glamorosa_09]

As a wife, I do get what you are longing for from your husband. My question is why is he acting like a husband who doesn't seem to care? I guess hindi sya madamot, walang kusa lang talaga?

My first guess is that, wala talaga syang pakialam.Magtataka ako, ganito na ba talaga sya dati pa? Is it part of his personality? Kung hindi, kailan nagsimula?

My second guess is, he has been sharing his dreams, but you haven't explicitly acknowledged it yet. Kasi nakakasama ng loob when we share our dreams to our spouse, and then parang ignored, especially if thwarted, tipong "para san?"

Our dream kasi is a part of who we are, it's our aspiration. Malaking bagay if you know and feel that your spouse is supporting you. Yung sama ng loob, it could metastasize to other aspect of marriage.

Isa sa sekreto ng masayang marriage, pag ang asawa mo nag-share ng dream or goal, is that you honor it, by being interested, or by supporting it if you have the means, and the highest way of honoring it is to join him in that dream (but this 3rd one is not always possible).

So I guess kung wala ka pang action plan, why not try telling him you want to support his dream, trying encouraging him na you believe he can do it. Malay mo, mag-improve sya as a husband. Ibahin mo tactic mo.

Yung marriage nyo, kaliwa't kanan na ang complaints sa isa't isa. Try introducing something positive, baka mag-improve. Wala na ang friendship nyo, importante pa naman yan. Wala na rin ang fondness for each other, parang gusto nyo nang lamunin ang isa't isa.

[candie]

Only mistake u have is having a good life. Good life that was not given by him. Ang kinakatakot ko is he is not going through a phase but ugali na talaga nya yan. I had an ex who is insecure as well. Parang lahat kasalanan ko but in reality kasalanan nya lahat.

Spent years analyzing saan ako nagkamali (aside from being mataray) until it hits me....ang pagkakamali ko is pinili sya. Maghahanap sya ng away whenever he feels you are enjoying. I was not allowed to do the things I like. Sigh....sayang those years.

Hopefully, maayos nyo. But if that is his character na, isip isip na habang maaga pa.

[glamorosa_09]

Naalarma ako sa sabi mo nagloko na siya noon, and yes magtabi ka na para sa sarili mo. 

I would be alarmed too if he cheated more than once, either with a different woman or the same woman.

Kung once lang at the affair has ended, the marriage could still work out. But from what's happening right now, sana maayos nilang itong present issue na ito.

[glamorosa_09]

^thanks sis! malaking tulong yang sinabi mo.

i guess kailangan ko nga unti unti i-absorb at tanggapin na kahit hindi yun ang vision ko as a person, iba na ngayon eh. kasal na ako. kailangan ko na rin ipasok sa pagkatao ko yung vision at dreams ng pinakasalan ko.

happy for you for that realization sis. Sana it's the start of a new stage in your marriage

[Priceless]

Hi Sis

How lucky you are sa salary arrangements mo in terms of the household expenses!

Anyway, that's beside the point. Do you actually monitor every month kung magkano talaga ang operating expense nyo, including your baby's expenses? You mentioned kasi na covered sya ng office mo, but I'm not sure if you're actually keeping a list of how much you really spend in a month. Perhaps you need to sit down with him to actually show na ito yung gastos mo, plus the things that you also spend for (do not include na the bags etc) na part of your "operating expense", such as bayad sa mga maid, expenses ni baby - food, diapers, etc, basta anything not covered or paid for by your office.

At least if you do this, he knows that you actually keep track of those expenses na hindi ka lang basta nagdadamot dahil yung sweldo mo nga is maliit coz the rest of the household expenses are already paid for. Maybe what you lack is communication and transparency on the "spending" habits.

Siguro you also need to talk about your dreams and goals as a couple. Sayo kasi siguro hindi importante yung real estate investment because you have your own house na nga, pero baka naman gusto nyang bumili ng bahay dahil gusto nyang meron syang income from those properties. Or baka gusto nya to have his own business and not be an employee forever? Or not to depend on your family's business forever. In some ways, baka he feels na hindi naman nya mafulfill ang padre de pamilya obligations nya dahil nakasandal kayo sa family business mo, why would he even bother when you don't want to be independent din naman?

I know it seems that you'll be biting the hand that feeds you, but maybe you just (separately) have to work with hubby to build a "unit" or a "team" that works on a common goal - something that will have nothing to do with your family business.

Ano kaya?

[Girltalker2]

Sana maging malinaw din ang hubby mo as gusto nya mangyari at hindi biglang magreklamo lang na di ka tumutulong. Ni hindi nyo nga napag usapan ang amount ilagay sa joint account etc tapos magrereklamo sya?

Pinaka importante to talk it out with him. I'm sure if we hear his side, may iba pa syang di masabi or nasasabi as to ano ang nasa isip nya, nararamdaman nya at ang balak nya. Andito narin ang issue nang - how to make him understand the situation from your pov and vice versa.

[KVsWahmmy]

Great points from all our sisses in this thread...

I think the main thing to do sis here is communicate with him talaga on a deeper level. Wag pagtalunan mga bagay-bagay, pag-usapan. When you talk, i-ready mo yung mind and heart mo na what you want to do is mas maintindihan mo sya, mas maramdaman mo yung nararamdaman nya, para you know how best to proceed to resolve the situation. Kasi pag pareho kayo galit o may sama ng loob pag nag-usap, na ang foremost in your mind is ipaintindi ang side mo rather than the other way around, magbabatuhan lang kayo ng faults at sumbat nyan. Not really going to help solve anything.

In your situation kasi sis based on what I read, money is just a 'surface problem', may pinag-uugatang mas malalim sa inyong dalawa. Money problems are, if you come to think of it, relatively easy to deal with - you can even use a formula.If you have lots of it well and good, then it's just allotment. If you don't have lots of money, just fine, increase income sources and spend better. Pero if may underlying problem pa, that is actually what causes the arguments, in your case puedeng insecurity ni hubby, and puede ding yung lack of enthusiasm mo to help him 'build his dreams' too. That is what you both have to work on

Marriage is a lot about teamwork.