what to do when hubby doesn't want to listen?

[miminibebe]

We had a huge fight, i snapped.  Pinatulan niya ko, i explained to him why i felt that way.  Paulit ulit na kasi, palagi niyang pinamumukha sa kin na bobo ako, na hindi ko alam kung pano alagaan mga anak namin.  When i told him how i felt and why i felt that way, sinigawan na niya kong sinigawan.  Na iniisip ko lang daw yun, na in fact, siya ang nagtitiis lang sa ugali ko.  Binabaligtad niya lahat.  When he shouts, hindi na ko makapagsalita, accept na lang ako ng accept sa mga sinasabi nya.  Dahil hindi naman siya nakikinig.  Susubukan ko pa lang magsalita, sisigaw na siya.  So i just cry. 

I feel so sad, i don't know, nacoconvince na ko na maybe i am the problem.  I am not allowed to get hurt kasi ako din naman pala ang cause, kahit na hindi ko alam pano.  I know hindi ako perpektong asawa, i have many faults, and sinusubukan kong magbago.  Pero apparently, hindi pa din ako nagaddjust, siya lang ang nagaadjust sa ugali ko dahil wala siyang ginagawang mali.

Ewan ko, i just wanted to vent out.  Ang pangit na ng mga thoughts na pumapasok sa utak ko dahil sa disappointment ko sa sarili ko.   Hindi ako pwedeng masaktan, hindi ako pwedeng magsabi ng problema ko, dapat sarilinin ko na lang dahil ako naman pala ang may kasalanan. 

I just feel so tired already.  Simula pagkabata, ako na lang lagi ang may kasalanan kahit na hindi ko alam bakit.  Hanggang ngayon na matanda na ko, ganun pa din. 

Sorry, i don't know if i'm making any sense.   

[Ireneeeeee]

^aw. Hugs for you dear. No one has the right to call you "bobo" grabe naman asawa mo pa. :<

Be strong and pray. Kung hindi mo kaya isipin para sa sarili mo, isipin mo para sa anak mo kakayanin mo magpakatatag.

on the issue na hindi sya nakikinig, maybe you can write a letter for him? Siguro naman marunong sya magbasa kahit hindi sya makinig and mainit pa ang away nyo. And at least through a letter, you can think twice before writing. Maiiwasan ang masasakit na salita and expressions, or at least minimized.

Start with how you evaluate the situation, acknowledge your feelings and why did you feel that way and what actions you want to take next. Do not blame him sa letter and do not be defensive basta as much as possible sweet but assertive.

Goodluck! And pray pray pray!

[miminibebe]

Thanks Sis Ireneeeeee, tried that before.  Pero ganun din.  Thru email actually.  Ang sagot niya sa kin, nakaCAPS LOCK.  Hindi niya ko maintindihan, or ayaw niyo kong intindihin.  Hindi ko siya inaaway sa letter ha? Ineexplain ko lang reasons ko, pero same effect. 

[erza0916]

I actually have the same problem with my husband. Pag ok kami parang perfect ang lahat pero pag nagkakaproblema kami nagiiba sya. Iba trato nya sakin at feeling ko wala lang ako sakanya, tulad mo dahil giniguilt trip nya ako sa masamang nagawa ko noon. Ginagamit nya yun against sakin at wala akong magawa kungdi tanggapin dahil sa utak ko "may kasalanan ka, mali ka kaya wala kang karapatan magalit o magreklamo sa kanya".

Sa tulong ng mga nagcomment sa posts ko narealize ko din na hindi tama yun. Masmalala man ang nagawa ko sa kanya, sya din ay hindi perpekto. Hindi tamang ginagamit nya yung guilt ko para manalo sya sakin. Sa ngayon hindi parin namin naaayos yung issue na yun, sa loob loob ko nandun parin yung sakit na kaya nyang gawin yun sakin kahit sabihin nyang mahal nya ako. Natabunan na lang yung issue, nakalimutan na ng panahon pero I'm sure babalik at babalik yun hanggang hindi namin napapagusapan ng maayos, eh pano kung ayaw nya makinig? Naiisip kong solution eh mag therapy kami. Kung may ibang tao na unbiased ang opinion, feeling ko masmalalabas nya yung dahilan kung bakit nya ginagawa yun at kung ano man ang problema nya, ako din masasabi ko kung anong laman ng isip ko at wala syang magagawa kungdi makinig. Hindi nya ako pwedeng sigawan, kung gawin man nya yun sa harap ng ibang tao eh malalaman ko na hindi nya talaga ako pinapahalagahan. Iniisip ko kasi baka ganun lang talaga sya kasi lalake sya, may pride sya, pero bakit may ibang lalake din namang kayang respetuhin ang asawa nila ah. Hindi ko na kaya ayusin mag isa lalo na kung ako lang may gustong mag ayos. Kailangan ko na siguro ng professional bago pa mahuli ang lahat.

[miminibebe]

^grabe spot on mga sinabi mo sis sa nararamdaman ko.   Ang hirap makipag usap sa taong sarado ang utak. 

[glamorosa_09]

miminibebe, you may ask yourself these questions:

- Are you afraid of him?
- Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationship difficult?
- Is your level of motivation and energy declining or do you feel depressed?
- Is your self-opinion declining, so that you're always fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself?
- Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it?
- Do you feel like you can't do anything right?
- Do you feel like problems in your relationship are all your fault?
- Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you've been messed with but can't figure out exactly why? (Reference: Lundy Bancroft)

Listen to what you feel.
And to add, ito yung mga nangyayari sayo based on your post above.

1. Your husband is giving you degrading comments - telling you you're bobo, you don't know how to care for your kids. Do they make you feel stupid about yourself?

2. Sya si Mr. Always Right, he thinks never syang nagkakamali. Kung meron mang nagiging conflict sa marriage niyo,it will always be your fault.

3. He raises his voice and uses his anger para hindi mo maexpress sarili mo.

4. It looks like you're starting to or you're already suffering from low self-esteem.

Where am I getting at? You seem to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. (Ito ulit? Oo ito ulit.)

Men with abusive tendencies, they're like shoes, they come in different colors, sizes, and styles. Their common denominator is that of control, they always have the upper hand in everything. Marital power is always tilted on their side, leaving the wife weak, clueless, and helpless.

Do yourself a favor, please research about emotionally abusive relationship, and see if you really are in one. If you are indeed in one, equip yourself with knowledge and see your relationship for what it really is.

I can't answer your thread title, never makikinig yan, merong hope kahit papano, kung titigasan at tatapangan mo yung sarili mo and will empower yourself. But what experts say is to get out. But at the end of the day it will always be your decision.

[erza0916]

miminibebe hehe oh tamo hindi ka nagiisa. I know how it feels and sis glamorosa_09 here and others helped me through it din. Sa akin hindi naman regular thing yung away, I'm sure ikaw din at meron din naman kayong good times. Sabi ko nga pag masaya kami kala mo talaga perfect na lahat, love kung love. Pero pag may dumating nang away akala mo katapusan na at eto na maghihiwalay na. Madaling sabihing "iiwan ko na sya" pero super hirap gawin. Lalo na legally bound by marriage, may kids and all.

 Hindi ko alam ang feeling ng sigaw sigawan dahil my husband prefers the deadly silent treatment, pero paminsan minsan iniisip ko sana isigaw na lang nya at least alam kong naeexpress nya yung emotions nya at kung ano mang problema nya. Silent treatment makes me feel like I don't even deserve the right to know what's going on. Invisible na lang talaga ako sa kanya. Oo walang sigawan, walang masasakit na salita pero at least acknowledged ang existence ko hindi yung biglang shut out na lang. But that's just me.

Ginagawa ko kung ayaw nya makinig, tiis na lang. Palipasin ang galit, pag kalmado na saka na lang pagusapan. Sisimulan ko sa tanong na mahal ba nya ako. Pagsumagot sya ng oo eto na chance ko na magungkat ng nakaraan, wala syang magawa kasi umoo sya eh haha. Sobrang kalamado ko lang sya kinakausap..hindi accusing and light lang ang tone and medyo pabiro. It helps na never ako naging verbally abusive sakanya. Never ko sya namura or nasigawan, talagang pinipigalan ko sarili ko dahil feeling ko kahit papano alas ko yun. Sasabihin ko na nasktan nya ako sa nasabi/nagawa nya, at kaya namin pinaguusapan or kaya ko brining up ulit eh para hindi na maulit dahil pinagpapahalagahan ko marriage namin at ayaw ko magkahiwalay kami. Basta explain ko talaga sa kanya na good ang intentions ko kaya ko binabalik ang nakaraan at hindi dahil gusto ko sya iguilt trip. Punch line ko "sinasabi ko lang para hindi na natin mapagawayan ulit dahil mahal kita" hehe which is true naman. Effective naman sa maliliit naming away, pero hindi dun sa mga major argument or dun sa ginagawa nyang pag gguilt trip sakin dahil sa nagawa ko noon. Yun kailangan namin ng professional help.

Nakakapagod din na manuyo at ikaw na lang palagi nagsosorry at nagiinitiate ng batian, ako pagod na pagod na, pero hanggat kaya ko tinitiis ko. Pag nakapagtherapy na talaga kami saka ko na malalabas lahat..

[miminibebe]

- Are you afraid of him? - na he will hurt me physically? no.   Pero takot ako na kausapin siya most of the time dahil nga nauuwi lagi sa away.
- Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationship difficult? sa friends no, sa mom ko, yes. lagi akong naiipit sa issues nila
- Is your level of motivation and energy declining or do you feel depressed? Yes, lalo na after we fight, sobrang nakakadrain ng energy.
- Is your self-opinion declining, so that you're always fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself? Yes, but i feel like whatever i think doesn't matter
- Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? i don't know, i just feel tired thinking about it na.
- Do you feel like you can't do anything right? always
- Do you feel like problems in your relationship are all your fault?Well based from what he said, yes.  My fault
- Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you've been messed with but can't figure out exactly why? Yes, minsan naiisip ko bakit pa  ko nag bother na kausapin sya, mas masasaktan lang naman ako in the end.

Listen to what you feel.
And to add, ito yung mga nangyayari sayo based on your post above.

1. Your husband is giving you degrading comments - telling you you're bobo, you don't know how to care for your kids. Do they make you feel stupid about yourself? Yes, nacoconvince na ko actually that i really am stupid

2. Sya si Mr. Always Right, he thinks never syang nagkakamali. Kung meron mang nagiging conflict sa marriage niyo,it will always be your fault. Correct, it is always my fault, never pa kami nagkaron ng diskusyon where pareho kaming nagadmit ng faults namin.  It's always me.

3. He raises his voice and uses his anger para hindi mo maexpress sarili mo.He talks to me like i'm a child na di makaintindi.

4. It looks like you're starting to or you're already suffering from low self-esteem. i was never a confident growing up to begin with, so yes.  mas lalong nakakababa ng self esteem

Yup sis, nagbababasa basa ako about verbal abuse and emotional abuse.  Nagstart ko marealize when i read na yung silent treatment is a form of abuse also.  Ginagawa niya din kasi sa kin to. 

[miminibebe]

Sis erza0916 yes sis tama ka, hindi always yung away, because hindi na lang ako umiimik madalas.  Like pag may comments sya na sumasama ang loob ko, hindi ko na lang pinapansin kasi nga pagaawayin namin.  But nakakapagod, kaya siguro ako nagsnap and nakapag dabog last night. 

He does both, sigawan ako pag galit siya, or yun nga, silent treatment.  Na minsan kahit ako na lumapit sa kanya, ilalayo niya sarili niya  sa kin.  Hahawakan ko siya, aalisin niya kamay ko.  Dedeadmahin niya ko.  Hangga't sa pakiramdam niya hindi pa enough yung suffering ko sa pagiignore sa kin, hindi niya ko kakausapin.  At pag kinausap na niya ko, eto eh para pagalitan ako ulit.  Tsaka pa lang kami magkakaayos kasi lulunukin ko na lang lahat ng sinasabi niya.

[Priceless]

Ewan ko, i just wanted to vent out.  Ang pangit na ng mga thoughts na pumapasok sa utak ko dahil sa disappointment ko sa sarili ko.   Hindi ako pwedeng masaktan, hindi ako pwedeng magsabi ng problema ko, dapat sarilinin ko na lang dahil ako naman pala ang may kasalanan. 

I just feel so tired already.  Simula pagkabata, ako na lang lagi ang may kasalanan kahit na hindi ko alam bakit.  Hanggang ngayon na matanda na ko, ganun pa din. 

IMHO, you need to seek professional help because it seems that you have deep rooted issues which are just compounded by your marital woes. Even if your marriage gets better, or your husband by some miracle, makes a 180-degree turn and starts putting you on a pedestal, if you have doubts about your own strengths, capabilities and good qualities, it will still not resolve things.

I am curious, how long did you two date and wala bang signs before you got married na ganyan ang magiging treatment nya sa iyo? Or could it be that he's just gotten used to you just brushing off or even laughing off negative comments about you? Have you analyzed his behaviour and yours? Ano ano ba ang mga nagawa mo to enable him to feel superior than you? Ano ano ba ang reasons kung bakit nagfflare up sya at sayo ang bagsak ng sisi?

[glamorosa_09]

Hi sis erza,

Actually pag nag-sa-cite ako ng red flags, they are just hypothesis, not conclusions. That's why I am encouraging anyone I'm replying to to research about it, compare the signs written to what they are experiencing in their own marriages. Madali lang naman gawin yun, type mo lang kay google, marami nang results. However, kung tingin mong di naman talaga, imposible yung red flags na yun, ok lang din naman, kasi choice mo yun. You can discard my opinion.

Yes, you are bound in your marriage when you said your vow. You owe it to yourself to fight for it, you also owe it to your children. You can fight for it kahit after 10 years, ikaw naman ang makakapagsabi sa sarili mo kung ano nga ba talaga, ano na. It all depends kung hanggang saan aabot ang pang-unawa mo, pagpapatawad, at pagmamahal.

Yes, happy couples also do fight, nagkakaroon din ng pagtataas ng boses paminsan minsan. But after the fight they can soothe themselves, either alone or by the help of the spouse, and then can initiate self-reflection, lalo kung importanteng bagay.

Kung mahal ka ng asawa mo at alam nya na ang isang bagay ay nakakasakit sayo, gagawa sya ng paraan to either meet you halfway or iwasan kung ano man ang bagay na nakakasakit sayo. Kung alam nyang insecure ka sa bilbil mo, hindi nya uulit ulitin sayo na ang daming layers ng bilbil mo. Soft spot mo yun, tapos uulit ulitin nyang tusukin. Basic empathy na lang yun di ba.

Sa happy marriage na-eenjoy mo ang buong pagkain kahit may part dun na hindi kasarapan. Mas marami ang good times kumpara sa matinding away. May away man, hindi cyclical na extreme silent treatment or full blown na away. With couples na may abuse, parang mumo lang ng pagkain yung naeenjoy mo, kasi mas madami yung impactful na away kesa sa good times.

Sabi mo napapagod ka na rin, ilang years ka na bang married? Baka a few years pa lang tapos ang dami mo nang sakripisyo at pagtitiis na ginagawa. But anyways, meron ka na rin namang action plans. push mo lang yun. Again, you owe it to yourself to fight for your marriage. Any insight, realization, decision must come from you.

[graZiousa]

 maybe you can write a letter for him? Siguro naman marunong sya magbasa kahit hindi sya makinig and mainit pa ang away nyo. And at least through a letter, you can think twice before writing. Maiiwasan ang masasakit na salita and expressions, or at least minimized.  - Sis, magandang idea to...

[miminibebe]

Sis Priceless,Whirlwind relationship kami, so i guess hindi pa namin kilala talaga ang isa't isa when we got married.  We got married less than a year of being bf/gf.   Pero during those times, no, he was not like this. 

Sabi ng cousin ko, it's because namihasa na siya.  Kasi nga i always keep quiet lang.  Ako ang laging sumusuko pag nagaaway kami at sinasilent treatment niya ko.  When he shouts, i just keep quiet.  He gets mad everytime i tell him na nasaktan ako dahil sa sinabi nya.  Pag gusto ko siyang kausapin to fix things, he always ends up shouting at me and ako ang bineblame niya.  So most of the time, nilulunok ko na lang ang pride ko.  Para lang magusap na kami.

Before i was not like this, mababa self esteem ko on other things pero alam kong ipagtanggol sarili ko sa ibang tao.  It's just with him na natatameme ako because of his shouting.  Ewan ko, iba yung effect sa kin. 

Sis glamorosa_09- he lacks that also, basic empathy.  Like alam niyang selosa ako, magkukwento pa siya talaga ng crush niyang receptionist, and he'll show me photos of the girl and he'll insist na maganda si girl.  Samantalang ako he rarely compliments, so masakit.  Pero he does it anyway.

Sis graZiousa - nagawa ko na yan sis, pero parang isinulat lang din niya yung paninigaw niya. S ganun din.

[glamorosa_09]

I read your answers to the questions sis. I hope it helped you to ponder about some things.

Sis glamorosa_09- he lacks that also, basic empathy.  Like alam niyang selosa ako, magkukwento pa siya talaga ng crush niyang receptionist, and he'll show me photos of the girl and he'll insist na maganda si girl.  Samantalang ako he rarely compliments, so masakit.  Pero he does it anyway.

O may nadagdag ka pa - lack of basic empathy. Seems like he's trying to do something hurtful out of spite. It's good to hear you are doing you're reading. It will help to realize that there's nothing wrong with you. You are imperfect, like all of us, but you're not stupid.

Anyways, may you find the courage and the strength that you need, no matter what steps you are planning to make. Basta you know yourself better than him. There's this thing called mind-control, so don't believe whatever things he tell you.

[miminibebe]

^Thank you so much sis. 

[abbmg]

i don't want to sound too negative pero ano nga ba talaga magagawa mo kung ayaw makinig? di ba ang sabi hindi mo mapipilit ang ayaw?

believe me, i know how you feel kasi ganyan din asawa ko. hindi ako tulad ng karaniwang asawa na tatahimik lang kasi sasagot at sasagot ako sa asawa ko kaya ang siste iniwan niya ako at di ko alam kung kelan babalik, siguro lulutang na lang yun pag nakapanganak nako. he made me feel so bad about myself, na sobrang dependent sa kanya to the point na para na akong tang-A kasi i still kept on insisting na pakinggan niya ang hinaing ko para lang maayos ang problema, pero he still doesn't want to listen.

totoo naman walang perfect marriage, walang mag asawang hindi nag aaway kasi mag kaiba kayong tao, hindi kayo pareho, but i still believe na both of you should listen to the other, so that you'll understand, hindi pedeng isa lang ang pinakikinggan.

[Girltalker2]

Sorry TS, pero parang yung hubby mo ang may personality disorder. Parang hindi connected ang brain nya sa emotions nya kaya mababa ang EQ. 

Sana you won't let him demean you.  Sya ba ang bumubuhay sa inyo? Do you have work?  Natanong ko lang kasi may mga relationships na ganyan ang asta ng lalaki kasi feeling nila sila ang hari kasi sila yung breadwinner. If you can support yourself and your kids, parang mas mabuti ata mag time out muna kayo. Meaning lumayo ka muna sandali, not necessarily makipag hiwalay, pero just to think things clearly.

[miiilovestravis]

Hi TS. I feel you. Ganyan din kami ng asawa ko pag ngaaway kami. Lahat ng masasakit na salita nasasabi niya. Accept lang ako ng accept siguro dahil nasanay na ako. Minsan lang kami magaway pero sobra.

Masakit siya magsalita. Pero ako hindi ko kaya na pagsalitaan siya ng masakit. Kahit minsan naiisip ko na. Pero ewan ko ba parang naawa ako.

Try mo kausapin sya pag cool down na. Ask him ano bang ayaw niya? I tried that before. Nalaman ko mga ayaw niya. I tried na baguhin ayun naging ok naman. Siguro may mali din ako. Sa ngayon wala naman sya problema sa attitude ko. AKO naman ang may problema sa kanya. 

[miminibebe]

^hi sis, we are both working.  Hindi naman niya kaya ng sya lang ang magtatrabaho dahil maliit lang ang sahod niya. 

Gusto ko actually umalis muna, pero hindi niya ko  papayagan.  Yun pa nga lang lumabas ako ng bahay just to think, hinabol na niya ko ng kotse para pabalikin.  To the point na akala ko ibabangga niya yung kotse nung nakasakay na ko.

Hindi pa din kami naguusap, last night i went home late, almost midnight na dahil nagcommute lang ako and malayo yung bahay namin sa gate ng subdivision, as expected tulog na siya nung dumating ako.  Hindi man lang nagtanong kung buhay pa ba ako at magmimidnight na wala pa ko sa bahay.

[Priceless]

I think you both have issues - he has a personality disorder, and you need to have some counselling sessions to address your deep rooted issues on inadequacy, self blame, etc. Maybe it's manifesting na rin sa marriage mo kasi kung sabi mo nga na you can stand up for yourself but not against him - pero it seems na you have confidence issues talaga kasi pati ang childhood experience nabanggit mo.

Baka naman you have a skill or area that you are really really good at and perhaps you exert (and showcase) your efforts on that, rather than try to be Mrs. All-Around. I'm not saying that you're like this, but are there areas where you can focus on na wala syang pwedeng questionin sayo dahil either talagang yun ang expertise mo or hands-on ka talaga dun?  You pick areas or fights that you can win and then win them (kasi it will help you develop your confidence).

I can tell you that a relative of mine LOVES to pick fights. Ang strategy nya is to let you talk talk talk because he will expose your weaknesses, and then he will pick an issue or a position (for example) that completely contradicts yours. And since alam na nya kung paano umandar ang utak mo and your typical line of argument, talo ka na kaagad. So natutunan ko sa kanya, with people like this, better keep quiet and let them make their move first. Don't snap at every bait he tries to throw at you kasi talo ka lang.

Kung papatulan mo every fight he wants to pick, mapapagod ka talaga and you just will end up losing kasi you expose every weakness you have. I think you need to choose the battles you want to fight and try your very best to ignore and be passive every time he tries to bait you into a fight. For example kung pakitaan ka ng picture ng babaeng crush nya, i-ignore mo, wag mo nang sabihin or ipagpilitan na wag na nyang gagawin yun kasi nasasaktan ka at nagseselos ka. Your previous strategy didn't work, so you have to try a different strategy. Wag mong ipakitang affected ka, instead say, yes, "maganda sya, kamukha sya ni (name an artista), eto yung picture nya nga o" then ikaw naman google ka din ng picture ng artistang maganda or mas maganda pa.