What to do husband have mistress & they have baby, I have offer to work abroad.

[charmedwitch776]

2014 was a roller coaster ride for us. Me gut feelings na ako na husband was having an affair and actually prove it way back March. Then I tried to left him but my mom beg me to go back to him and fix our marriage. We have confrontation and he promised me wala na and there's nothing to worry. Then last Nov before my birthday I found out continue padin sila then later much worse nalaman ko they have a months old child. Yun girl kaya pala umalis at nagresign sa work (same company and project sila ni husband) ay dahil preggy siya. Confronted husband about this and he admitted everything. I decided to left him but begged me and told me iiwan nya yun babae. Mahaba usapanan namin. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanya na I forgive him pero I stayed. I'm not a nagger type at lalong hindi ako mahilig sa drama. Whatever I'm feeling, I just keep it to myself. Walang nakakaalam sa family ko about what happened to us kasi mom is too old to handle this kind of issue tapos sister ko delikado pregnancy. Then christmas tapos new year and wondering if me communication pa sila. I checked his phone and facebook pero wala lahat messages and calls burado. Even FB messages walang. WeChat empty din. Sometimes nahuhuli ko sya na nakakunot noo sa phone nya or sometimes kunyari sa likod nya ako checking pero may times he'll blocked it ng likod nya..not sure if paranoid ako or what but the point is that hindi ako makamoveon.
December I received an invites from client para magtraining dito sa Hongkong. Hindi ko sinabi kay husband na tuloy na then New Year we fly here living my eldest sa kanya and MIL dahil sa school nya and bringing my youngest with me. Now, client is asking me if I like to work in Hongkong. It's gonna be homebased/on-call job kaya pwedeng pwede kong alagaan si baby with me. I know I'm escaping and running from my problem pero hindi ko alam ano gagawin ko. Kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko sya mapatawad. Pero ayoko din masira pamilya namin lalo na my eldest idolize his father. What should I do? Ang sakit sakit na. There are times na iniisip ko death is only solution to my problem pero syempre naisip ko mga anak ko. Hirap na ako. I really don't know what to do.

[euwie]

Sis,I'm sorry to hear that... my mister cheated on me as well while we were ldr. Siguro 3 years affair nila, 5 years kaming ldr. Pero walang child/ren involved. Masakit sa masakit, it took me years to get over it. Siguro if i were you, i will choose to stay for my family. Kasi para sa akin, kapag umalis ako, baka lalong mapabayaan yung relationship namin. Kaya ngayon na magkasama na kami ni mister,everytime na sinasabi nyang pwede na ako magresign in 4 years at bumalik ng Pinas,lagi ko pa rin naiisip na baka mangyari ulit yung dati kaya ayaw ko syang iwan dito. Ang rason kasi ng mister ko sa kin dati, my absence led him to have an affair. Pero maski na may babae sya nun,ako pa rin gusto nya at hindi daw nya mahal yung babae nya at naprove naman nya yun. So halos pareho tayo sis, ikaw at mga anak mo ang mahal ng mister mo. Don't give him away, fight with him. Tulungan mo mister mo sa problema ninyo. I know mahirap pero makakaya nyo yan. Siguro magiging challenging sa inyo kasi may baby sila. There will be times na kelangan nila talaga mag usap para sa bata. Tatagan mo sis, para sa pamilya mo. Hugssss....

[m_lim]

ask ko lang muna sis: kaya mo buhayin 2 anak mo?

gusto ko sana sabihin na magpatawad ka para sa kids mo, pero ang hirap niyan, may anak na siya na involved. ibig sabihin non, habang buhay mo titiisin ang multo ng ginawa niya. ikaw lang makakasagot, kaya mo o hindi??

[m_lim]

RE: empty Fb messages, etc. natural lang na gagalingan niyan magtago. nahuli mo na e.

advice ko sayo, huwag ka magpa obvious na nagsspy ka, na gusto mo malaman lahat ng ginagawa niya. kasi lalo yan gagaling magtago at lalo ka mahihirapan makita ang totoo.

[melle17]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation sis. It's really painful and i know the feeling coz I've been in that situation too. Be strong for your children and keep on praying, helps a lot.

If I were to digest the scenario, you already gave him a 2nd chance when you found out about the affair and yet he continued and worse he now has a child with the other girl. With this, you have to ask yourself if you still can go on living with him or if you love him that much to still give him another chance. At the end of the day you will still be the one to decide about how you choose to go on with your life.

When I was in that situation, I chose to leave my husband because I cannot stand living with him anymore knowing that he has betrayed my trust for so many times. No one has the right to make me feel so unwanted and unloved as what he did and I made my decision to love myself more and left him for good. Believe me it made me happier.

Hugs and prayers for you sis.

[twenty5]

sis naiimagine ko yung situation mo and how are you right now?
Im a bit confused lang sa kwento or medyo malabo lang to me…

You mean, you flew to HK with your youngest child? - Tama ba?
Are you okay with it ba?

Ako ang masasabi ko lang sayo, Isama mko jan ng makausap kita (kidding)

-Hindi solusyon ang pag suicide. Don’t think of that. In a way I know how hard it is. I know how painful it is. Try to ask yourself or write in a sheet of paper the advantages/ disadvantages. Pros and cons. Write down everything, anything. After that think or pag aralan mo kung ano ang mas lamang… Kung sa tingin mo ang lamang e [textspeak!] negative. Might as well think of any consequences of leaving him and Live on your own with your children.
If positive has the most list, then try to work things out.
Sa lahat ng sasabihin namin dito sayo, puro advises and so that we can still help in a way…
PERO AT THE LONG RUN… IKAW PA DIN ANG MAG DEDESISYON. Ikaw Pa din ang masusunod. Kaw pa din ang mag dedecide.

SIS, dont refuse yourself on crying. If you feel like CRYING, and DO IT! CRY OUT LOUD if you like. SHOUT if you LIKE!!! Kahit papano makakatulong. kasi sis naiintindihan ko yung sinasarili mo lang ang mga hinanakit at sakit at mga hinaing mo sa life. I know kaya ka nga nag post dito, we can help and try to eae your pain.

Masakit talaga yan sis, mangaliwa nga lang ang bf, masakit na e, ano pa yung meron na nga 3rd party at nagka anak pa… Hay…. Naiintindihan talaga kita…

[Girltalker2]

TS, your story reminded me of my past. Of course di naman necessarily pareho ang ugali ng mister mo sa ex ko. Pero ganyan na ganyan din ang napagdaanan ko, plus more kasi 10+ years ako nagtiis with this dilemma at nahirapan ako gumalaw kasi at that time, hindi ko din alam ang gagawin ko.

Ilan beses sabi nya wala na, pero meron pa pala. Until di ako makatiis (nakakaloka talaga doubting myself at ano ang nakikita/naririnig/nararamdaman ko vs ano yung sinasabi nya na sya pa galit at nagd doubt daw ako), naghire ako ng private investigator. At dun ko nalaman na may baby sila.

Same as you, hindi ko din alam ang gagawin ko.  Marami pakong ginawa in between just to save the marriage, pero when I had an opportunity to accept a job offer abroad, I made sure I brought my kids with me. Ayaw ko lalaki ang mga anak ko nakikita ang babae ng dad nila, worse I am sure pinakita narin nya ang mga bata doon sa mistress nya somehow.

Things I have learned from this experience:

1) Kung mahal ka pa nya, higit sa pagmamahal nya sa sarili nya, then it is possible to still workout the marriage.

Do you still love each other? You have to know kung mahal ka pa ng asawa mo o hindi na. Note iba ang sinasabi nya sa ginagawa nya. My ex used to tell me mahal nyako, nasa note pa sa flowers pag valentines pero feeling ko mas mahal nya ang sarili nya for not letting me go nor the mistress. Gusto nya ipagsabay kami.


2) There is no point if ikaw lang ang magtry ayusin ang marriage, Kailangan kayong dalawa.

Sensitive ba sya sa nararamdaman mo?
Is he truly sorry and remorseful? Na hindi na sya uulit?
Will he be honest from today onwards (never mind the past)?


3) Forever na syang may "baggage" at dapat mo matutunan i-accept iyan. That means malaki ang possibility na hindi mawawala ang communication nya with the girl because of the kid.

At syempre, yung malalaman din ng ibang tao about this. Tsaka di mo naman puede basta itago ang bata, mag aaral iyan, may family day or father's picture na ipapadala sa school. Lalo pa kung kinilala ng hubby mo ang bata, same sirname, etc.

Sa wake ng hubby mo (puera usog), hindi mo nalang mapapaalis ang bata or adult na siguro by then. his presence is a reality na hindi mo basta basta na puede itago.


4) Always stay calm and composed. Always pray. Buti nalang sabi mo hindi ka nagger, so do not make any scandals. But gaya mo, sinarili ko lang ang problema and I did not share it with my family and friends.  Feeling ko kasi, kung may pag asa pa kami magbalikan, bakit ko i-sh share di ba?  go for counseling for some good advice muna nang malinawan ang pag iisip mo. Pero need mo may kausap. Mahirap kapag sinarili mo ang ganyang klaseng problema. 

5) Death is never a solution. Isipin mo ang dalawang anak mo. Ang parents mo at iba pang taong nagmamahal sayo.  Kailangan pa ng mga anak mo ng mommy. You have a great career ahead of you. There is still life after heartbreak. Puede pa kayo mag kaayos or puede ka pa maka meet ng iba (Sa HK pa, ang daming expats kaya dyan na single/divorced/widowed.  I know hindi ito ang nasa mind mo now - meeting a new love pero sinasabi ko lang possible parin magkaron ng happy ending kung eventually you decide to leave him).

Ganyan din ako dati. I thought of ending my life - pero nagsisi ako at sabi ko never ko na gagawin ulit yun. Kawawa lang ang mga bata. Worse, baka yung mistress pa ang magpalaki sa anak mo, at hahayaan mo sila to live happily ever after at the expense of your kids and loved ones? 

Hiring people who offered din to fix things for me was neither a solution. I was very tempted as money was not an issue for me at that time. Buti nalang God provided guidance.  And when I found an opportunity to leave the country, I did, mas malayo sa tempation di ba?

But I must confess, in the past, how I always wished na mamatay nalang sana ex ko para wala nakong problema. Pero mali parin di ba? Hindi natin hawak ang buhay ng ibang tao kasi tao lang naman din tayo.


So, suggestion ko - do not let go of your career and kids. Sila nalang ang sure bet mo as of this point kasi nga malabo ang asawa mo. Take care of yourself. Iyan 3 things na iyan ang focus mo dapat:

1. Career - Pumunta ka ng HK.  If you pursue HK, isipin mo nalang ang possibilities.  Puede naman sumunod sa inyo si mister di ba? If he is truly remorseful, gagawin nya ang lahat, mahihiwalay din kayo sa temptation at malalayo sya sa mistress nya.  You know, it is only when I left the country tsaka ako nakapag isip mabuti kasi mas focused ako sa mga bata at sa sarili ko. 

Kapag maglago din ang career mo, you will be enabled to raise your kids, kahit andyan ang asawa mo o wala.  You will meet lots of new friends din, new environment, etc. 

2. Kids - tapos alagaan mo ng mabuti ang kids mo, because the last thing you want is mapariwara sila. So make sure lagi ka andyan for them, kahit andyan ang daddy nila o wala.

3. Yourself - magagawa mo ang 1 and 2 if you take care of yourself, your whole well being. Be more spiritual, sa Kanya ka kumuha ng lakas.  Get fit, be healthy. You will need it para sa energy mo for your work and your kids and settling your issues with your hubby. Magpaganda ka. Nang sa gayon, hindi lang laking sisi ni hubby na nangaliwa sya, you know also na puedeng puede mo sya iwan in case you want to. Financially, don't forget to take care of your finances.  Try to amass as much savings habang nagiisip ka pa ng next move mo.

Believe me sis, I have been in your shoes, once you focus your efforts to yourself, love your kids and God, do your best in your career, you will never go wrong.



 

[Girltalker2]

I know I'm escaping and running from my problem pero hindi ko alam ano gagawin ko.

Sis, natural lang naman ang reaction mo.  When I was in your shoes, gusto ko lang maglaho ng parang bula at pagod na pagod ako. Laging puyat, di makatulog, laging umiiyak.

Kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko sya mapatawad. Pero ayoko din masira pamilya namin lalo na my eldest idolize his father. What should I do? Ang sakit sakit na.

Siguro kailangan mo muna magpatawad.  Kung hindi mo sya magawa, that means you do not love your husband enough to sacrifice everything. And para sakin, it is just wise not to trust a traitor.  Mahirap i-asa ang blueprint ng buhay mo sa taong hindi stable like your hubby.

Ayaw mo masira ang pamilya mo, pero sis, as it is now, sira na ang marriage mo, therefore nasa sa inyong dalawa iyan if you still want to fix it. yung "buo" na pamilya ninyo, as of this point, is just superficial, kasi kahit san man anggulo mo tingnan, may kalaguyo ang asawa mo at may anak sa labas, worse, if he even gave his sirname sa birth certificate nung bata.

Sorry sis, kung masakit. but i think acceptance of this hard situation is the first step, Tsaka mo lang sya matutunan i-forgive siguro.  Kaya siguro I waited 10 years being in that situation. Kasi I was praying for the light.  I was asking for something to happen, kasi hindi ko din alam ang gagawin ko.  Pero while waiting, it does not mean naka freeze lang ako. Marami akong ginagawa to ensure my wellbeing and my kids. Do not forget about that ha.

Wish you can overcome this. Kaya mo iyan. Kung nagawa nga ng iba, nagawa ko rin, magagawa mo rin. Kaya mo iyan.

[glamorosa_09]

Hi Charmedwitched,

Hang on. And take a deep breath.

Ilang beses ka na ba nyang niloko? Twice or more na ba? Or ito pa lang talaga yung incident? Well kung ito pa lang talaga sa buong history ng marriage/relationship nyo, then I think you should work it out  pa, given na sobrang hirap at painful nung process. Nagpadagdag pa sa hirap mo ay yung bata, the communication with the other woman will always be there for the sake of the kid. Sobrang masalimoot, but I think if this is a unique instance, no matter how painful, it's not a ground agad for separation. Just my opinion, lalo na't may mga anak na rin kayo.

Kailangan mo na bang magdecide agad if you will pursue a job there in HK? Parang may sense of urgency yung post mo. Right now, your mind is clouded with too many emotions, you're too emotional which is of course understandable. But you will be prone to make mistakes if you will hurry up your decision making. It is wise to wait till those clouds of emotions subside down, para kahit papano clear ang pag-iisip mo. Sa ngayon, maganda yung ginagawa mo, you're venting out, it helps to process things, and there are additional inputs here in the forum.

What I can suggest is for you to stay first, FIGHT THIS GOOD FIGHT. This is your marriage, this is your family, it's worth every ounce of your energy. I think kailangan mo pang pag-aralan yung husband mo, i-monitor yung mga actions and behaviors nya. Is he doing things that are gearing up towards restoration? Or is he doing things that will lead up to separation? You need to confirm this. It will be difficult for you to do this kung aalis ka na agad. Yung ibang marriage na nagkakagulo umuuwi dito sa Pinas para ayusin, at ikaw naman nagkocontemplate na umalis.

We don't know what led him to infidelity. Is it his nature to cheat? Kung hindi naman, kayong dalawa ang makakapag-usap tungkol sa kung anong naging problema. Is communication lacking? Or both of you are bottling up your needs and feelings?

Sa tingin ko, fight fight fight muna. Pag-aralan mo yung marriage nyo. Subukang ayusin. I know ngayon nanghihina ka, but look for the sources of strengths na pwedeng magpalakas sayo. You have God, you have your kids, you have your family of origin. You're not alone in this fight. And we're hear to listen and give inputs. So hang on.

[Girltalker2]

TS, tinry mo na ba magbackread sa pa past posts mo?

I will just quote one of them ha...

^sis cherub.rock i wan in the same situation before..you know what i do to turn the table? I let him go and make sure he knows my life is better that when he's around..mahirap sa una pero as time goes by you'll survive and things will be fine. And you know what's funny, after a year he wants to go back to me and this time wanted to make me fall head over heels to him but I'm super happy that I dont have to accept him back kasi I already found someone who loves me as I am and I love very much too.

[glamorosa_09]

ang dami ko sacrifices sa kanya, lalo na career. i was offered nice position with good compensation package  in 2 different bpo's i turned it down dahil ayaw nya. i have  chances to go and work sa singapore, dubai and maldives i turned it down din dahil ayaw nya din. pinagresign nya ako para magfocus lang sa anak namin. Sa mga projects at clients ko sa homebased job ko siya namimili. bawal magtrabaho pag andyan sya. lahat ng trabaho bahay sakin, me yaya na sya me mayordoma pa sya. kung sitahin, sigawan nya ako at utusan ganon na lang. he even makes fun at me sa harap ng pamilya at kaibigan nya just to show i'm not that intelligent well bred gir. kung magsalita sya sakin ganon na lang samantalang mas malaki pa kinikita ko sa kanya sa homebased job ko eh halos ako na nagcover ng expense naminl. now ito isusukli nya..ang sakit. i want out. right now hindi ako makaalis dahil nagschool pa panganay namin and that's the only reason we're still here.

Hmmm...Makiki-quote na rin gaya ni girltalker2...

Forget what I posted above since hindi naman pala cheating lang ang problem.

It seems like the deeper issue here is not infidelity, infidelity is just one of the other faces. I think the real issue is emotional abuse. Your husband seems to be emotionally abusing you, baka dati mo pa rin alam.

For one, your husband is controlling you, kung sinong company at client ang pipiliin mo, whether you'll work or not. I'm sure there are other ways that your husband controls you. Second, he wants you to serve him, like he owns you, like you're his possession. Third, he shouts at you, like what? like you're not a person worthy of respect? He even makes fun of you  in front of other people, that's degrading. Fourth, the unsolvable infidelity issue. Fifth, he wants you helpless and vulnerable, psychologically and economically incapacitating you.

Pareho kayo ng isang sister dito na kausap ko, she also lives abroad. Hirap makaalis. But good thing for you, you have a job offer.

Whether kung aalis ka, kita naman natin kung ano dapat, but with this kind of case, it's not as easy as black and white.

With regards to you wanting your family intact, baka mga anak mo ma-abuse din ng husband mo, possible lang naman. If not, ganitong klaseng environment yung makakalakihan nila, which is hindi yata maganda. Think about it.

I will be doing a 180degree turn from my post above. So my suggestion is: LEAVE. Take the job offer. Build yourself again. Start a new life. But the decision is in your hands.

Seems like mahirap gawin, kasi you've been posting about this problem na even before. Kung ganon lang kadali sana para sayo, matagal ka nang nakaalis.

[m_lim]

kung cheater na, emotional abuser pa, i will also say Leave!! + may anak pa sa iba eh

ang bilis sabihin pero napaka hirap gawin, i know! kasi tatay siya ng mga anak mo..

pero para saken hopeless na kung ganyan e. kumbaga, kung binugbog ka lang isang beses, pwede ka makalimot, magpatawad. pero yung binugbog ka na, tinadyakan ka pa, at sinaksak ka pa na magiiwan ng scar habangbuhay, ibang usapan na yon.

kasi isip ko: maiski lang ang buhay, madaming tao sa mundo.. baket ko sasayangin lahat para sa 1 tao na hindi worth it?

pero iba iba tayo.  nasa sayo yan, hanggang saan mo kaya at ano kaya mo. ikaw lang makakapagsabi  sa sarili mo ng totoo .

[insanelypurpleprincess]

TS, such a tough spot, but you have to stay alive and strong for your children. I don't have a similar experience exactly, but I do know that at this point... the first and most important consideration should be your children. Think of what is best for them. Best of luck!

[donya_dyosa]

@m_lim.. in fairness ang powerful ng maikli ang buhay bakit mo sasayangin ang buhay mo sa tao sinasaktan ka.. true!!!

kung mahal ni mister ang mga anak niya .. hindi sya gagawa ng ganyan.. dapat naisip nyang baka masira ang pamilya nya... wala ka sa posisyon na ayusin yan dahl hindi naman ikaw ang sumira... sila, ayun masaya pinagtatawanan ka kasi ang kapir mo mashado.

sis baka gusto mo na palitan si rizal sa luneta... push mo na career mo sa hk magpakayaman ka, and demand support. pag wala support idemanda mo. pahirapan mo sila yung deserve nyo na monetary allowance get it bago pa si kabit ang gumastos

[aquacharly]

CHARMEDWITCH776

IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES, based on what you shared: 

IF I leave 1 child behind,  I will save myself but sacrifice that child.   Ano  mangyayari  sa anak kong iwanan ko   in the care of  an  emotionally abusive husband?    That child is most likely going to be the next/replacement victim of the  husband's misplaced aggression. 

A serial/repeat philanderer does not convince me as a husband in True Remorse & Reform (pakitang tao lang yan, san ka ba nakakita ng empty text & call logs?  You mean to say: zero? Aw, c'mon, everybody receives at least ha - pesky ads & pa-load tricks & scams.).  Eh talagang mental torture aabutin ko:  waiting/anticipating the next infidelity.  Mapapagod ako over something I can't control, really.  I would think, if I faced hard reality, that he goes home to me to hang his head & make me  unhappy coz he and that kab1tch with their bastard cannot afford to live together -- yet.    Numbers don't lie, I would think that since I already pay for most expenses. 

Imbes na he focuses on advancing our family interests, eh ayon, he distracts himself with monkey business.  A man who cheats, can be forgiven -- whether he seeks Forgivenesses or not.  It is but human to err, nga daw.   But a repeat philanderer -- he doesn't seek Forgiveness. He seeks Acceptance.  He keeps at it, again & again until he digs himself & a collaborator into a hole:  ergo, a bastard.  Then, it is in his nature to go effing around again.  Next!   They do not learn A Lesson --  there is no lesson to be learned, as far as they are concerned. It is just their nature to be effing around. 

 I would think further:  What have I got to lose if I  go abroad and bring both  kids?  A  husband?
I would think  he has long psychologically abandoned me. 

So, PERHAPS?  it's time to cut the losses while there are still options. 

Parang, I would rather tire myself out minding 2 kids & a job abroad, than subjecting myself to wear & tear burdened with a serial philanderer.   In the grand scheme of things,  where Life is a play of hits & misses --  spouses that are unhappy together should free themselves -- painful as it may be at first.  Some things, may be broken to such an extent, or lost for such a long time --  that renders it effectively unretrievable/gone. 

But those are just my opinions, what do I know anyway?
It still boils down to your capacity to hope, suffer/persist, love & live with what's unlovable.
Pray for Divine Guidance, that you be given discernment and courage to do what is best for yourself & your children. 

Please take better care of yourself.  Nobody else will. 

[twenty5]

naku ilang beses ko na binibisita tong thread  ni sis CHARMEDWITCH776, Hindi na na update..

Kamusta ka kaya???

sis CHARMEDWITCH776 paramdam ka naman?

[charmedwitch776]

Hi everyone, up ko lang itong thread just in case some of you wondering what happened to me.

I eventually left husband pero syempre kasama ko dalawang kong anak. How did I end up with this decision? I made a "little bit mistake of drinking too much sleeping pills" and it's my family who rescued me...ayoko na masyadong pahabain ang kwento kasi it still making me cry.

Lesson learned, life is so precious and you only have one shot so make the most out of it. My children needs me and at the end of the day sila yun kawawa.

I'm now living with my mom here in Laguna and I can say after a year I no have peace of mind and feel better than before. Me and husband? Friends kami but that's all...I learned my lesson in a hard way. He's convincing me na bumalik sa kanya but I refused and still refusing. Ayoko ko na bumalik sa dating gulo ng buhay at utak ko. My children needs me...kahit naman magkahiwalay kami we can make them feel buo family nila kesa makita nila na baliw or worst patay ang nanay nila

[momentum]

^ good for you sis. And glad recovered ka na take care!

[Girltalker2]

Hi TS, I'm happy for you but sad also. Sad kasi sana you didn't have to go through that, I went through the same. But happy na you realised your value to your kids.

Go pursue your career. I super agree with you, iba talaga ang may peace of mind. And may good news pako sayo. At least sa na experience ko ha. At first sobra akong nahirapan ayusin ang marriage. Then I let go, medyo malungkot minsan pero yung benefits na reap ko in the long run. Hanggang sa na realise ko na very single day without seems to be getting better. And even better days to come.

Yes sis, your days are a lot better now than before AND it will still get better and better pa! Trust me, I've been there. So long as you trust in God, look after your kids and your own well being, you will definitely be a lot lot lot happier pa sa future.

[AVIDGOLFER]

"Me and husband? Friends kami but that's all..."

Friends??? For What???

If I am the Wife, i don't think I will ever be friends with my ex-hub after all the pains in life he gave me.....