When you're not "Growing As a Person"

[zarazan]

Okay, I just feel the need to share this here and ask for help din.

I have this childhood friend I consider as my "bestfriend". We literally grew up together even though she's 2 years younger. She's my to-run-to friend whenever I feel down, sad and insecure about life in general. Pero we sort of stopped hanging out when we're both in college na. Different schools and different priorities din. But we kept in touch regularly via text and FB naman.

But lately she's been distant. Not entirely gone, pero lesser talks na. Until one day, kinamusta ko siya.  Tas she said she's been purposely avoiding me. Her reason?

"Err lots of things. I dont like how super insecure you get sometimes. And parang apathetic mo about the future. It's like your not growing as a person".

I know, it takes a TRUE friend to say that and its partly true that's why it hurts. I told her I truly felt and said I was hurt.

Pero what's make me sad is that feeling ko I will be losing my TO-RUN-TO friend now Yung tipong when Im sad, I will tell her tas when Im feeling insecure, siya talaga kkwentuhan. Di ko naman alam na she thinks of me as insecure na pala for the fact that I  just need a friend to vent to.

About apathetic of the future/ Not Growing as a Person. I feel offended. I work an 8-5 job, though on a small company lang. Pero siya kasi, she can afford to go to Masterals and graduate from a very high end university. Of course she'll be building her future a little easier. Eh kami? We can't truly afford that.  So its harder for me. But it makes me sad that it translates as "Not caring about your future and not growing as a person na pala".

If you were in my place what would you feel? And how do I  help myself na din?

[chicafabulosa]

I do ge where toure friend is coming from. She felt you are sucking all her positive energy. I understand you feel that because you work for a small company lang and she can go to masteral eh it will be an excuse for you to be so negative about life. Like what you said you are sad and insecure about life in general and who would want to hang out with people like that. I was like your friend. I cut my ties to my friends who will just bring me down. I do get it, the have problems.. But since they have problems na nga what they would do is complainand whine. Why not do somting to improve their life. Your reasoning of you cant afford something like your friends is a complete BS. I have friens who werent from my own level but girl they are something and somebody now. How they did that? Their lack of something that Inhae inspired them to do better. It motivates them to strive harder to improve their lives. It didnt deter them from reaching their dreams. And I just want to correct you ha, not everybody who graduated from top universities make it big in their chosen fields. IT IS THE DETERMINATION AND HARDWORK that will bring you to places my dear. Dont settle of being what you are now. Strive and dream big. Its good she said it to you maybe it should be a wake up call for you...ask yourself, are you contented with what you are now? Do you want to make it big to your chosen field? Do you want to be sombody in the future? Oryou just want to feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life because of your reasoning WE CANT AFFORD THAT. If you cant afford it, then streive harder for you to be able to afford it.


So my parting words for you, dont feel sorry about yourself, situation. Do something to change your future, yourself and how you want to see yourself in the future. Stop feeling sorry and just strive harder. DONT STOP DREAMING.

[zarazan]

@chicafabulosa: When I say its "harder for me", its not that I am pitying myself in the sense of work. I am staying at my company for experience. I set goals for myself na 2 yrs work experience here then lipat na to bigger companies who require work experience muna. And yes, we can't afford Masterals, pero it didnt stop myself from finding work almost immediately after graduating for work experience agad.

But I appreciate you saying I need to strive harder and what she's saying is a good wake up call.

But for me, as a friend, she vents herself too. Palitang lang kami ng vents. Ganun naman talaga friends diba? I listen to her whine and rant about her own bad days, tas ako din naman on my own bad days.

[amethyst028]

^well maybe instead of always venting about your bad days how about only talk to her if you have a positive news. get a journal at doon mo nalang isulat mga bad stuff. maybe she means you're not growing emotionally and it has nothing to do with masters degree.

you can rant once in a while pero huwag parati and show her that you are a fun person to be around. ako rin kung may friend ako na puro kalungkutan lang sa buhay iiwasan ko siya kasi baka mahawa ako. your life is what you make it. stop complaining about how bad things are going. try to do something about it instead.

and accept that things are changing, may times na nasa ibang stages kayo ng life niyo and let each other be, then when you get together again mas madami kayo mapapag usapan. with my best friend of 20+ years may times in 1 whole year halos 3 times lang kame nag kita at hindi nag uusap kasi busy dahil nagka family na siya.

show others that you are strong. don't keep letting her know everything about you kasi baka gamitin niya iyan against you pag naka galit kayo.

[zarazan]

^What's sad is that growing up, I was always the one who makes her tag along with me whenever she had her "boring summer days". Our house is close to hers kasi and her parents are very strict so I'm usually the one who does the effort to go to her para we can "go out" naman.

Ahhh how times have change. I guess growing up, our problems starts to change too. Real world sucked for me cos I have to do everything by myself with my own hard work. Sariling sikap talaga. I guess that's what come off of me on my vents/rants days. I can't help it.

Lucky for her, graduating palang and yet to see the real world pa. Tas mag masters pa. But anyway, I guess I can just talk about these stuff to people who experiences the same problem as I. Thank you sis @amethyst . I guess it just made sad that someone is giving up on me on one of the hardest phases of my life.

[baliwsayo]

Agree with the other posts. Ako din kasi, I try to avoid negative energy. So pag yun friend ko puro na lang reklamo sa buhay, iniiwasan ko na lang. At first of course tinatry ko siya i-sway sa positive outlook at pinapayuhan ko pa.. pero nakaka-drain din kasi yun lagi na lang tatawag lang para lang magreklamo at mag-vent out ng negativity. It's draining my energy kasi so I try to avoid that person na. Actually meron akong friend na inunfriend ko na because of being negative. Ang lakas kasi makahawa eh.

[zarazan]

@baliwsayo

Ang sad but I guess this is reality nalang noh? Ngayon I understand my other friend who said to me

"Minsan gusto ko na magka-jowa para may nasasabihan ako ng mga problema ko sa buhay. Syempre hindi naman pwede lagi sa inyo, baka maasar kayo sakin. Pag paulit ulit ako"

It makes me sad that growing up, whenever we face harder problems, feel natin pabigat na yung problema ng iba nating kaibigan. So ano yun? Friends lang pag masaya?   

[chicafabulosa]

Yes it normal to vent out to your friends but DO NOT MAKE IT  A HABIT. it gets boring to listen about problems. Plus just accept the fact some people are NOT meant to stay in your life. People come, people go. They hurt us, they teach us lessons for us to become a better person. and in this life only CHANGE is constant. Sorry sis ha but I can sense your hurt towards your friend. I try to read between your lines and it seems you are still justifying thats she is lucky because she hasnt experience what you experience in real world (working environment). But you see it doesnt need to be in corporate or working environment for a person to see the real world. She is seeing it in different way or sh chose to see it in different way. Maybe her priorities and choices changed. Since she chose to move forward without you then I guess thats what you should do too. Its hard I know but there is nothing for you to do. You cant force yourself on someone who is avoiding you by choice.

Hang out with people who ca make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with positive people.

[zarazan]

^Siguro nga napasobra lang ako ng pagvent sa kanya. I guess my fault too.  I'm usually not a negative person. With my college barkada, ako yung pinaka happy go lucky pa.  Siguro, lahat ng "other side" of me na "may problema rin pala", eh sa kanya ko nalalabas kaya ganun.

Thanks sa help sis @chicafabulosa

[mooncake and leaves]

One of my best friends has not stopped whining since we graduated 10 yrs ago. As in laging yun ang salubong. But I love her and I think friendship, at least the ones worth keeping, can stand a little (or a lot of) negativity every once in a while. People these days are all about being positive and happy. But it's
impossible to be all cotton candy and rainbows when things are sh*tty. Also, sometimes sh*t lasts longer than we prefer. While I agree that negative people can burden you, there's a level of patience we extend the ones we love. And you guys are in your 20s, right? Was she expecting that you're Oprah by now?

Did you ask her what made her say that? That would help you better if you ask her. Because right now, you're getting worked up over some things that might actually have nothing to do with her issues with you. Talk to her again. Have her explain to you her reasons and try to see the good in them. Criticisms sting but they don't have to end a friendship.

[baliwsayo]

Zarasan.. okey lang naman pero wag naman lagi sana? Life is not all negative right? Minsan kasi yun shine-share niya sa kin tingin ko perspective niya lang talaga.. na laging sway towards the negative. I mean ako din naman minsan nagra-rant pero not all the time.

Example, yung asawa niya na walang kwenta. Paulit ulit eh. How can you live with someone na walang kwenta? Bat di mo pa hiwalayan? Kung hindi mo kaya hiwalayan eh di tigilan mo kakareklamo. Hindi ba? Madami din ako problema that I am dealing with. So kung paulit ulit na lang yun kwento ng negative, nakakapang-hinawa kasi eh.

Don't get me wrong, I've done so many things for her which means I really valued her as a friend. Ang kaso nga nakakahawa kasi ang kamalasan. Isip niya kasi lagi siyang malas sa buhay. Nagsawa ako sa kakapayo na hindi ganun ang buhay. Win some.. lose some lang talaga. And we gotta work hard to achieve whatever success na gusto natin kesa rant lang ng rant.

[tomatostellar]

That's sad, pero yun nga minsan friends grow apart. Maybe next time you speak to each other, acknowledge what she said and maybe avoid na din muna negative topics.
You know how they say na, "You are where you want to be." So, yung situation mo ngayon is because you allowed it to happen - sabe mo nga gusto mo mag gain experience kaya nag stay ka  depsite that it's a small company.I don't think you have to prove anything to her though -- maybe to yourself. There are other ways to "grow" other than your choice of company to work for, or your degree.

[angel..]

I have a very close friend. We've known each other since high school, sa barkada namin kami lang dalawa ang nandito sa Singapore so you can imagine how close we are since sa buong islang toh, isang tao lang ang kilala ka ng sobra. She and her bf broke up sometime last year. She decided to leave Sg for New Zealand to have a fresh start. Before she even left for NZ, every once in  a while she will say that she's very lonely, she needs a bf, she needs a lovelife, etc. Now she's in NZ, same pa rin, "I need a lovelife na" or "I want a bf". For crying out loud, I've already advised her to either take some time for herself muna, try out activities that she's been wanting to try if any. Or go out with her peers, networking kungbaga, baka ma-meet nya ang next bf nya. Go out and meet new people. Nakakairita talaga pag paulit ulit. Pag ganun ang text nya, I don't reply na.But, I won't avoid her just for that. She is my friend.

So, nauubusan din ng energy ang mga kaibigan mo sa pakikinig sayo kung puro negative na lang pinaguusapan nyo. Pero I agree with chicafabulosa, there are people who are not meant to stay in your life and maybe hanggang dito na lang talaga yung friend mo. Instead of dwelling on it, look on the positive side. At least she made it known to you na mukhang napaparami ka sa pag rant and now you can take steps to becoming a more positive person. 

[quinone]

i don't know, maybe list the negative things in your life and write how you can correct each?

one can forever be a rank and file employee with an 8-5 job but still 'grow' too. whatever is inside our head and comes out of our lips, yan din ang maa-attract natin for ourselves; so make an effort to always be positive. you can try growing spiritually as well.

[simang]

So ano yun? Friends lang pag masaya?

The harsh truth is everyone is selfish. Darating at darating ang time na mas pipiliin ng mga kaibigan natin ang sarili nila before us, na mas pipiliin nilang maging masaya kesa makinig sa reklamo ng iba.

Sure you'll have friends who'll help you when you're down. Pero the bottom of the story will always go back to you and your decisions. Kahit pa gaano mo ikwento sa kanila ang mga problema mo, ikaw at ikaw lang din naman ang kelangan tumulong sa sarili mo.

Happiness is very important to me, that's my ultimate goal in this life -- to be happy. So if anything, or anyone drains out my energy to be happy, I will definitely have to minimize their role in my life. So syempre, sa mga friends ko, ayoko din na kukwentuhan ko sila ng malungkot at puro problema, kase gusto ko din happy sila.

[TysLolakins]

^ good one sis simang, nailed it on the head, sapul, bullseye!  sis TS,  heed her advice.


i don't think the phrase 'not growing as a person' is appropriate in the situation you have  with your friend.  basically she has stopped caring about you, she's not interested to know what's going on in your life.  but she has some gall to say you're not growing,  iyon ang insulto.  who's she to make that assessment/conclusion about you.


best thing to do is to show her and prove her wrong,  that you're not the needy, whiny ex-friend that she's been avoiding.  try to better yourself in your own way.  ika nga, the best way to show somebody up is to have a good life.  goodluck!
   

[artificialstar]

Baka emotional stability/growth an ibig sabihin ng friend mo sis. Medyo harsh nga yung words ng friend mo, but you have the decision to get bitter or to use it para mag-improve. Sometimes when I receive advices like that, I get angry but later on realize that it's for my own good. I used to be a whiner until my BF told me I'm draining him out and I wouldn't have known if he didn't tell me.

I have this friend actually during college, hindi kami close nun but we got close dahil sa yahoo messenger, LOL. Most of the time, she whines to me about anything. I try to comfort her and keep the positive vibe, but pag pa-ulit-ulit na, it's draining me, even though she told me I'm the reason why she's using messenger(sweet, now that i recall it hehe). She even told me na feeling daw nya I got tired of chatting with her na. Since yung way ko of venting out is through blog posts(that I don't publish because I don't want my readers reading negative stuff), I made her a blog. Until now, she's still blogging. Sometimes I read her blog posts so updated pa rin ako sa buhay nya. From here, I can tell talaga that she has become emotionally stable and i'm happy for her. What's nice is that we are now both into positivity and self-help books so parang it's our journey na din to a better and happier life.

I suggest sis you start reading positivity books and make a private blog(or download diary apps with password). It really helps and you can read your previous posts and realize hhow trivial some of your whines/entries are, hehe. That's what I do. Also, follow people in FB(e.g., Bo Sanchez, Rhonda Byrne and the likes) who would lift you up. You can also watch the documentary on The Secret.

[twelvth_goddess]

TS, it must be very hard to hear that from your friend. But I want to share my opinion as someone who is always on the recieving end of rants.

For some reason, I'm drawn to friends who seem to have a lot of issues going on. When I was younger, ok lang, I would listen endlessly. Offer advice if they want it, just keep quiet when they don't. I just realized one day na it was too tiring na. Worse was when I noticed that I was becoming too negative na din.

It's not that sharing problems or venting out shouldn't be a part of friendship. It should be. But as friends, you should also be open to the fact that people get tired too, kahit na listening lang. Mas nakakapagod ang emotional baggage kesa magbuhat ka literal ng baggage. Napansin ko kase my friends were starting to rant about every single thing na parang wala ng magandang nangyayari sa buhay nila. When I tell them to do something about those things, wala naman, puro excuses. Kaya ganon, it just remained as rants and that's what made it TIRING. Puro reklamo, wala naman ginagawa to fix it.

I'm still friends with some of them, I've met new ones too. But my true friends know this, I zone out things that are too negative. It's ok to rant once in a while but kung repetetive naman eh itigil na yan. I believe that you can't control everything in your life but you can control how you react towards things. I don't have so much friends but I have a handful of true ones who really know me and respect me as well. I've had to tell some of them that I'm not an emotional garbage bin where they can just dump and drop whatever emotional trash they want. I have a friend at work na ganyan, lahat na lang ultimo problems sa marriage ng friends nya sasabihin pa saken, hinde na binigyan ng kahihiyan friend nya. Kaya madalas distant ako sa kanya kase naddrain ako talaga sa kanya. Puro drama ang eksena.

I've also learned to deal with my own emotional baggage and not share every bit of things that bother me to other people. Most of the time, mas successful ako in dealing with stress and problems when I take time to be quiet, not talk to anyone at work, and just process everything in my mind. Minsan kase when you talk about things, nare-release monga your frustrations but it doesnt necessarily mean that you solve them.

[miss resilient]

kumusta na kaya si ts? 

sana magdrop by uli siya dito para mabalitaan tayo. di ako nakapagbigay ng insight agad agad kasi ito yung mga time na lie low ako sa gt lols

well, for me a person vents out because she trusts her kausap. maybe sobra ang trust ni ts kay best friend niya kaya ganon. ang sa akin lang sana di na lang umiwas yung friend niya kasi kung talagang kaibigan ang turing niya kay ts sana ang purpose niya ng pagsasabi noon e pagtutuwid hindi pag criticize. kasi puede namang baguhin ni ts yun for sure she loves her best friend di ba. may friendship naman kase talagang worth keeping sana lang yung friendship nila na keep nila. Hindi yung nagdrift apart sila dahil lang sa masasakit na salitang nabitiwan.

sabi ko nga sa isang thread..when there is misunderstanding, we should cut our pride..not the relationshp

[iwannabeasupermodel]

Pero what's make me sad is that feeling ko I will be losing my TO-RUN-TO friend now Yung tipong when Im sad, I will tell her tas when Im feeling insecure, siya talaga kkwentuhan. Di ko naman alam na she thinks of me as insecure na pala for the fact that I  just need a friend to vent to.

i think in this part, mej you dont think as a grown up sis.

well what do you vent out ba? i think it depends sa vinevent out mo. no one likes a negative person kasi eh.