Author Topic: a letter to the guy i call my "friend with benefits"  (Read 2515 times)

Chef Susie

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a letter to the guy i call my "friend with benefits"
« on: October 24, 2014, 09:53:02 pm »
tonight i am sleeping right next to you. this is yet again one of the nights that i dreamed of yet dreaded at the same time. its been two months since we last saw each other unlike the time we always did. there was an air of awkwardness, two months has changed me in ways i never imagined, yet we still have that comfortable familiarity we both shared as if we only saw each other yesterday.i look at your silhouette, slowly tracing your features with the dim light shining through the slightly open window of our hotel room. your arms crossed, resting on your broad chest, your head comfortably resting on the black pillow againts the head board, with the pink comforter covering half of your naked body. i look at your nose protruding, your nose that you keep on telling me you hate yet i find endearing. i look at your lips, pouting as if ready to just about kiss anyone who wishes to. i see the curl of your lashes, with your eyes closed, so gentle and quiet. i can hear your deep breath, pressing against my right cheek, with my belly flat on the bed and my right arm on top of your chest in a not so tight embrace. as you fall asleep right next to me, i wonder where your are. i keep on wondeing how a person so close to me at this very second could be so far away. how a person whom i hold on to as a dear friend can mean so much more than just that. i wonder how in a span of five months of knowing you, you have become a person i value. how everything escalated gradually from our first text, to our first date followed by several others until we became intimate. how a person who was just once a stranger in my life, could be the very person who makes me so much happy in countless ways i dare not imagine.

we have always been like this on nights we sleep together. you previously told me you sleep like a log. your body straight hugging nothing, facing the ceiling, with your face slighty turned facing me, with your arms crossed by your chest. you can even sleep without a pillow. a testament of today because you gave your pillow to me since you knew i needed two, without realizing that there was an extra pillow in the couch of our room, hence the black sofa pillow on your head as i speak. i on the other hand sleep on my side, used to hugging the big white pretty teddy bear who has been with me for five years and counting. the one that you always mistake my "boyfriend" gave me, even if he was already an ex. since shes not here with me, you are now my teddy bear. not as soft but still as comforting. not as white, yet still as beautiful to look at. not as still, but quiet enough to make me sleep tight. yet i cant. i cant sleep because thoughts of you and me keep haunting me at 2:30 in the morning. i would have loved to say that i am thinking about thoughts of "us", but who am i kidding. there was never an us and i know there never will be.

i am the girl you go to in times you crave for sex. i am the girl you go to on your quiet times and have no one else to talk to. I am the girl who you treat as a last resort, a spare tire in other words. i am the girl you treat out for dinner then sleep with afterwards. i am the girl you never introduce to your friends nor even talk about since that is a part of you that would be better kept hidden. i am that girl. yet you are not that boy to me.

you are the boy i think about when i hear love songs. you are the boy i think about whenever i watch sappy love story movies especially when the guy finally realizes he has fallen in love with his friend after so long. you are the boy who constantly haunts my mind the few minutes before i sleep. you are the boy that i even pray for whenever i go to mass. yours is a name id love to see flashing on my cellphone everytime i hear my cellphone beep. yours is a smile id love to see whenever i meet some old friend in a mall i havent seen in a long time. yours is the black car id love to see fetch me and bring me home especially during the days that i go home late from work. yours is the hand id love to hold whenever i am walking on wet pavement after it has rained outside. yet, you and any other part of you could never be mine. if given a chance to have something of yours, it would be your heart... since you already have mine.

So in days like these, in the overnight times that we spend together, in the few laughing moments in between my making love to you while i know it is just sex for you, i get to have you. i get to hold you. i get to make believe that for 12 hours or so, you are mine.i keep on reminding myself that i am lucky that i get to kiss you as passionately as i can. i get to feel your warm embrace when you lie on top of me. i get to stare at your eyes, yours that look at me so intently making me feel as if im the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. i get to feel, within your warm hug, that even if i am a strong willed, determined woman, i am still undoubtedly a damsel in distress still waiting to be swept off her feet by a valiant prince ready to rescue her. you bring out my vulnerability, a trait i had carefully hidden, putting in place as a disguise, my strength,  to mask the pain plastered on my face from all the heartache i have endured all these fighting years. i never really know if i should thank you for bringing it out. as i said, it is like a blessing and a curse.

and so tonight as i am hugging you in your sleep, i ponder on the lingering thoughts i have about you. i am no stranger to this sleepless nights already since you have pretty much occupied my mind every night before i sleep for the past two months since i last saw you. i think of whatever this is we have and how long can i last. i think about how long can i love you even if it is only one sided. i think of how much strength i would be needing in the next few sleepless days that ill be thinking about you again, praying ernestly and hopefully one day, the table will turn and i will be the one sleeping and you will be the one looking at me instead...



 :( :( :(
if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger...

 


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