bf of 10years - i took for granted

[Yamski]

Just want to vent this out.. again..

I had a boyfriend for 10 years. Everything was going smooth until our 9th year when we started planning for our wedding. I started being cold towards him. I started asking myself if we can really manage raising a family. You see, I came from a poor family and I experienced how difficult it is to raise a home. I don't want my future child to experience the same. He badly wants to have children but due to my fear of failing to be a good provider, I started giving him clues that I do not wish to have a child.

Until one day, he initiated the talks of breaking up since he starts to feel that I don't need him. We arrived at my ultimate issue in taking the relationship to the next level. I told him all about my issues. Even if there's nothing wrong if I earn well compared to him, I'm worried that one day he will feel inferior, which may cause bigger fights. He will again feel that I don't need him.

He works for the government and kuntento na of what he's doing while I work in the corporate world where most people of our age are very career-driven. I gave him the math in raising a child and maintaining a home. He was really hurt and finally called it quits.

After weeks of not speaking, he came back. We didn't "officially" got back together, but we still do things which we usually do as a couple. We agreed to take things slow and if he finds other source of income, I will reconsider having a child. Until one day, I got a text from a girl claiming to be his girlfriend. I was shocked.

I confronted him. He said they got together a month before we broke up. According to him, his cheating was not to intentionally hurt me. He looked for another woman because he felt that any time, I will leave him. I failed to let him feel that I need him in the entire years of our relationship. He said sorry and that he will do everything to win me back because I'm the one he loves.

He asked for my understanding if there will be times that he needs to be with the woman to comfort her - until the woman genuinely accepts their breakup - because he feels sorry for her. There's nothing he could do to compensate the pain that the woman has to go through because of him. Unlike in our situation, he's 100% sure that he can correct his mistakes in the future. I agreed. But then, lo and behold, there were three instances that the woman messaged me at 3am informing me that they're together and have kissed and made out to patch things up. He didn't deny it the following day and again asked for my understanding because that's his only way to say sorry to the other woman.

After that, I still chose to forgive him but I asked for two conditions: he will cut all communications with her and he should let her know that we're back together. He agreed. A few weeks after that, I discovered that he's lying again. They were calling and texting each other again. His excuse? He knew that I will not understand the situation and he doesn't want me to be "praning" because of simple calls and texts. According to him, the woman insists on becoming friends with him. Take note ha, nag a- I love you pa rin daw yung babae pero, dahil sa'kin, hindi niya nirereturn kahit na may nararamdaman pa rin sya para sa kanya. - utang na loob ko pa na sa'kin nya lang sinasabi yun 'no? God's gift to women ang peg eh.

The guy now tells me that he also can't live without speaking to her because he still has feelings for her but he doesn't want to lose me at the same time. I was really hurt when he said that. I couldn't share his attention to another woman even if he insists that what they have now is entirely different of what they had before and what we have now. In short, they're just purely friends. I couldn't find it in my heart to believe him.

I want to have the strength to walk away and move on but the guy is not helping me achieve it. He keeps saying and doing things to convince me to wait for him until he's ready to fully commit again. Most often, he reminds me how he loved me before the cheating incident. At times, he would tell me that no one will love me the way he did.

Prior his cheating, there's no doubt that he loves me too much. He has done a lot of things for me. He really took care of me. I admit that I took him and our relationship for granted. Naging kampante ako na masaya pa sya sa'kin since minsan lang naman kami magtalo. Hindi ko narealize na ayaw nya talaga ng kahit konting misunderstanding. Kaya pala, walk out na lang siya lagi pag nagtatalo kami.

He's so sure that I'm the one he wants to be the mother of his future children. He just wants time for him to learn how to live again without the other woman. He said na kailangan nya rin ng time na tanggapin na hindi nawawala yung misunderstandings sa isang relasyon. Gusto nya daw kasi laging masaya lang.

I told him kahit ga'no ko pa sya kamahal, I can't help him with his issues kasi sya na yung may problema eh. Sabi ba naman nya may magagawa daw ako. Give him a baby. Kailangan lang daw nya ng inspirasyon. Ngayon tuloy, natatakot ako na baka sinadya nya yung last month's encounter namin. Basta, that's another's story.

He continues to be nice and sweet. Whenever he is in Manila, just like before he cheated, I'm the only person he spends time with. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano talaga kami ngayon.

With the things he's doing and what I'm feeling now, I'm confused. A part of me wants to wait for him to be "okay" again. But there's another side of me that wants to escape from our "kabaliwan."

I'm not sure if I want him out of my life. Maybe because I'm afraid to grow old alone or simply because I still love him.

Yun lang. 'just want to rant lang talaga.

[purple.strawberry]

Kamo sis gasgas na yung mga excuses niya. If ikaw talaga ang gusto niya and he doesn't want to lose you, he'll break up with the girl for good. Ngayon he's giving excuses kase he wants the both of you, ayaw niya mamili, and you're letting him get away with that.

Have a good talk with him. Give him an ultimatum. Wag naman yung nasa gray area ka kasi ikaw lang ang nakakawawa e. Tsaka papayag ka bang magkaanak kayo tapos unsure ang future? Naku sis mahirap yun.

I don't know if you're asking for advice sis. Ang masasabi ko lang is I've been there, and I hope you gain clarity of mind and courage to face the reality. Sorry for the language, but dapat alam mo pag ginag*go ka na. Don't keep him just because you're afraid of growing old alone. Believe, may darating at darating na bago. Di ka mawawalan.

[Yamski]

Thank you for taking time to read and sharing your thoughts sis. I really appreciate it.

Tama ka, ginag*go na talaga 'ko. Ngayon pa "nagbibinata" ang loko.

Actually, makasiguro lang ako na hindi ako preggy kahit love ko pa siya, I will stop this katangahan talaga since I've taken steps na rin naman to avoid him. If I'm preggy, that's where the problem comes in.

[Yamski]

Thank you sis gleek. I'm praying for a better me, and a brighter future, with or without a partner. Ang hirap palang masanay na may partner ka tapos biglang ikaw na lang magisa.

[gleek]

true, but you know, you have family, friends.. if ever you decide to be single again, marami ka naman pwede gawin, to help you move on.. and to better yourself. don't be afraid and limit yourself, there's so many opportunities out there..   

[kireinachean]

agree ako kay sis purple.strawberry, may darating na para sayo talaga, hayaan mo na yung 9 years na yun, hndi rin naman nasayang for sure may mga good memories at may mga lesson kang natutuhan. One day mameet mo din yung taong rerespetuhin at itratrato ka ng tama. Feeling ko naman sis Yamski e strong ang personality mo, pagkakataon mo ng magexplore, gawin yung mga bagay na hindi mo nagagawa dati.

[Yamski]

Oo nga sis. Iba lang talaga pag meron rin nagaalaga sa'yo. Not that I'm complaining pero minsan nakakapagod rin yung ikaw ang laging nagaalaga ng mga mahal mo sa buhay. Hindi rin lahat kaya mong sabihin sa family mo. For friends, I have a "handful" of really good ones. Pero syempre, they have their own problems too. We're just here to cheer for each other. Hindi rin ako makwento sa kanila kasi nga marinig ko pa lang problema nila, naaawa na 'ko eh. Aside from the guy at pagiyak alone, 'etong gt lang ang outlet ko.

I promised myself in case someone new comes along or he becomes "okay" again for real, I will be a better and loving gf. I just hope that someone is (or "he" becomes) a God-fearing person. If walang nakalaan for me, magpapayaman na lang ako, help the needy, at travel the world. Hahahaha.

[purplegravity]

Well, obviously niloloko ka na nya. If your preggy, dont make it as an excuse to marry him. But ofcourse, thats only my opinion. Im sure you can raise your own child. Kung may pagkukulang ka sa kanya, its not a reason for him to cheat. He should have talked to you. Dont count on the years you've spent together. Assess if its still worth it to fight for your relationship with him.

[aquacharly]

Why don't you find out now if you're pregnant?

You give a convincing case for dropping him previously;  and you give the impression of being initially in control of this relationship.   You were kinda firm about walking away from him, before you learned of his cheating, since you didn't want children.

So, IMO --  you want him back now coz it's like hindi ka patatalo sa iba?   It's your competitive streak playing you out now?
I kinda wonder too, for someone who doesn't want to have children until a certain financial status is achieved --  WHY did you expose yourself to the probability of getting pregnant?  "Probability", not "possibility" coz well, you neglected your birth control  --  otherwise, pregnant is pregnant, not pregnant is not pregnant -- wala nang haka haka.
I hope you don't believe a child is going to keep a man faithful and tied to you till death do you 2 part? 

He is someone who isn't treating you right.  Obviously.   Such a lotta BS and convoluted   reasoning &  illogical rationalizations.  You gonna buy into all that crap? 

Why? You fear loneliness? 
A wife can feel all alone & lonely, even if her husband is beside her.  On the other hand, a person all alone isn't necessarily lonely.  So, marriage isn't the answer to any loneliness in a person. 

Why? You need someone to take care of you?
This man will take care of you, sure, to a certain point. But at the rate he's lying & rationalizing -- he is going to burden you more, emotionally -- than take care of you.

Why? You don't want the 10 years to go to waste?
History.  You will waste more than 10 years if you persist with this kind of relationship he is dictating on you nowadays.  Add to that:  you will waste your youth, peace of mind, some self worth ... Etc.

Why? The sex is good?
You may be paying too high a price for a little sausage/pork. 
(Sorry, I don't mean to be crude/insulting....  that's what a guy BFF said is the reverse of:  Why marry/buy the cow if you just want a little milk?   Susko. These guys!  Lol).

Initially, I thought you just wanted to vent.  Somewhere, I got this impression you want to hold onto him, even if -- what he is doing is actually -- meant to push you to push him out of your life.  IMO, but what do I know anyway?

Can all this be his way of getting back at you for dumping him after 10 years of devotion to you?

WHY do you want to keep him around? 


EDITED:
No, YAMSKI, I did not see your original response to the sex portion  -- as you cited in your PM.

No offense meant to you, so no offense perceived from you likewise.

To reiterate: as PURPLE STRAWBERRY says further on down here:  all the queries (not just mine) are mere checklists to help you take-off on assessing circumstances you do not like now & hope will turn to your liking in the near future.
Speaking for myself, I am not here to judge -- but to share what wisdom I learned from similar trying experience I endured once upon an unhappy time.  .

Personally, I have nothing against pre-marital sex. It is a good way to connect with/know more of a loved one. 
Responsibly undertaken, it brings a lot of joy, and expands one's perspective.

IMO though --  and this  doesn't necessarily apply to you or anyone hereabouts (we are all anonymous here after all):
Unfortunately, when both parties are not on the same page -- complications set in:  infidelity, unplanned pregnancies, etc. 
Sometimes, one must also  stop & assess if the joys of sex has been turned upon one's self by the other into a power tool of manipulation, control, deceit, or whatever.  Open your eyes, sabi nga.
Bottom-line, the joys of sex must be assessed  "in the grand scheme of the relationship".   The joys of sex can never, IMO,  make up for a relationship turned disadvantageous to you. 

If a person, in all honesty, just  really really really takes good care of herself --  a lot of  grief can be avoided.
That guideline is what boinked me to the happy & good life I now enjoy.  For a long once-upon-a-time before -- I thought loving really involved a lot of suffering & self sacrifice, even when a lot of things were going against my principles, values & aspirations. 
I  lost sight of the truth that one must save one's self too, and not be just the savior of another & the custodian of his dreams, guilts & shortcomings.

You will read it in so many stories here --  we do our best, even beyond our self interests. 
We fall, and so there we go: down. But the courage &  strength is not in how we got to the point we fall;   but in how we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and moved on. 
Hwag ka magpa pako where you are not happy. 

Take good care of yourself.  .

[iwannabeasupermodel]

^ lol onga nuh sis. i thought she's ready to move on dahil nga di nagmemeet yung expectations niya from reality.

[hawhaw]

parang kami, 10 yrs. at sa gov't din work nya..

[Yamski]

"Why don't you find out now if you're pregnant?"
-i don't know. I guess I don't want to know the answer yet?

"You give a convincing case for dropping him previously;  and you give the impression of being initially in control of this relationship.   You were kinda firm about walking away from him, before you learned of his cheating, since you didn't want children."
-nope, I did not want to drop him. I just want  to force him to have bigger goals. If he wants kids, then have goals, hindi lang dreams. Dati he doesn't want to go to college kasi ayaw naman nya talagang nagaaral. Pero he managed to finish para sa'kin.-hindi ako ang nagsabi niyan but sya and his mom.

"So, IMO --  you want him back now coz it's like hindi ka patatalo sa iba?   It's your competitive streak playing you out now?"
-  maybe, one of my reasons.

"I kinda wonder too, for someone who doesn't want to have children until a certain financial status is achieved --  WHY did you expose yourself to the probability of getting pregnant?  "Probability", not "possibility" coz well, you neglected your birth control  --  otherwise, pregnant is pregnant, not pregnant is not pregnant -- wala nang haka haka.
-i don't know how to answer this.

"I hope you don't believe a child is going to keep a man faithful and tied to you till death do you 2 part?"
-of course I don't believe any man would be faithful. But let's say I'm counting on a very slim possibility that he can change. He used to be a good man. I'm not totally at fault but I have shortcomings too. Hindi naman sya yung tipong kung kani-kanino lang nakikipagsex dahil nangangati sya.

"He is someone who isn't treating you right.  Obviously.   Such a lotta BS and convoluted   reasoning &  illogical rationalizations.  You gonna buy into all that crap?

Why? You fear loneliness? 
A wife can feel all alone & lonely, even if her husband is beside her.  On the other hand, a person all alone isn't necessarily lonely.  So, marriage isn't the answer to any loneliness in a person. 

Why? You need someone to take care of you?
This man will take care of you, sure, to a certain point. But at the rate he's lying & rationalizing -- he is going to burden you more, emotionally -- than take care of you.

Why? You don't want the 10 years to go to waste?
History.  You will waste more than 10 years if you persist with this kind of relationship he is dictating on you nowadays.  Add to that:  you will waste your youth, peace of mind, some self worth ... Etc."
-thank you. Points well taken.

"Why? The sex is good?
You may be paying too high a price for a little sausage/pork. 
(Sorry, I don't mean to be crude/insulting....  that's what a guy BFF said is the reverse of:  Why marry/buy the cow if you just want a little milk?   Susko. These guys!  Lol). "
-edited: thank you but I'd like to believe that most often, sex is not something I enjoy doing. More importantly, sex is not something we do everytime we see each other since we prefer spending quality time with either his or my family. Minsan na lang sya nasa Manila ngayon at priority nya rin tumulong sa family business nila pag nandito sya. By the way, the other woman is  working here in Manila. They met when he was assigned here.

"Initially, I thought you just wanted to vent.  Somewhere, I got this impression you want to hold onto him, even if -- what he is doing is actually -- meant to push you to push him out of your life.  IMO, but what do I know anyway?

Can all this be his way of getting back at you for dumping him after 10 years of devotion to you?"
-siguro.

"WHY do you want to keep him around?"
- because I believe that we still love each other? I don't know. I really don't know. I write whatever I want to write because I'm not good at telling my story to people who know me personally.

Sorry, I suddenly felt tired to answer all your questions.

Thank you mga sis for the "LOL." I'm thrilled that I was able to make you laugh.

[purple.strawberry]

Sis, you don't need to answer naman the questions. I think these questions are posed for you to examine yourself and your situation.

IMO, if he still really loves you di niya gagawin yang ganyan because he might lose you. Wag ka manghinayang sa 10 years.. Instead be thankful for them and the good memories. If those made you happy, those made you happy and that won't change, even if the relationship didn't last. So be thankful but don't let that hinder you from moving forward.

Sana may sense itong mga sinasabi ko. All I'm saying is, don't forget to love yourself FIRST.

[Yamski]

I understand sis. Actually, I just want to know if I know the answer. Eto lang naman ang panahon ko para i-assess yung situation. Once I'm in the office - 10 to 12 hrs on a working day - I don't have the privilege to think about my personal life. Sa gabi, paguwi, pagod na. Itutulog ko na lang yung natitirang oras na meron ako. Pag umaga, nagmamadaling pumasok at aburido na sa traffic.

[Yamski]

Mods, pa-delete na lang please ng thread. I suddenly received a message thru fb asking about the things I posted here. It seems that someone recognized me based on my nick vis-à-vis my posts. Ayokong makipagusap tungkol sa past with people I personally know. Tama na yung isa lang ang nakahuli. I'm not comfortable. If deleting the thread is not possible, I'm sorry mga sis, I have to delete some part of one of my post in this thread. Sorry talaga.

[aquacharly]

YAMSKI,  I was  just trying to understand where you were coming from &  wanting to get where; & just trying to help you sort out your issues.  PURPLE STRAWBERRY is correct: you don't have to answer any questions.  These were just meant to start you off, like a checklist, to think things through (again?).   At times, it helps to step back, detach & assess. 

Whatever you decide to do, or not do -- no judgment.  It's only you who can say what  will make you happy.  Only you who can say how much you can take; how long you can wait & hope; and how far you can dream.   
Just take good care of yourself, always.

[simang]

I came from a poor family and I experienced how difficult it is to raise a home. I don't want my future child to experience the same. He badly wants to have children but due to my fear of failing to be a good provider, I started giving him clues that I do not wish to have a child.

First is to really know what you want for yourself. Do you absolutely, at all cost, not want kids? Will there be an instance that may change your mind? Had he not cheated, will you marry him kahit na he wants kids and you don't? Pano nyo isesettle to? If you're firm with not having kids, and he's firm with wanting kids, then dito pa lang may mali na.

I want to have the strength to walk away and move on but the guy is not helping me achieve it. He keeps saying and doing things to convince me to wait for him until he's ready to fully commit again. Most often, he reminds me how he loved me before the cheating incident. At times, he would tell me that no one will love me the way he did.

You can't blame the guy for not helping you move on. He's confusing you, kase he knows he still got a hold on you. Again, know what you really want for yourself. If you badly want to move out of this relationship, anything he tells you, no matter how he convinces you, all of those will not matter, or at least you will consciously to make them insignificant. Syempre he will remind you of how you were, yun ang alas nya eh. But then again, if you really know what you want for yourself, anything he say is just cheap talk.

And do you actually believe that no one will ever love you the way he did? Do you? Because I don't. You will find a man who will love you better, and will never hurt you, kahit unintentional pa yan.

I told him kahit ga'no ko pa sya kamahal, I can't help him with his issues kasi sya na yung may problema eh. Sabi ba naman nya may magagawa daw ako. Give him a baby. Kailangan lang daw nya ng inspirasyon.

Ha. Baby yung gusto nya, hindi ikaw. Baby yung inspirasyon nya, hindi ikaw.

I'm not sure if I want him out of my life. Maybe because I'm afraid to grow old alone or simply because I still love him.

Let's say you fix things this time and eventually get married. Would you want kids? Can you forget, as in completely erase what happened out of your memory? Again, know what you want and stick to it. Assess what you really want for yourself.

I hope you get through this, sis.

[Yamski]

Thank you mga sis. I'll take some time off, if work permits, to think about the things you said.

[macaroonz]

hi there! share ko lang sis, i had the same situation also. 10 happy years then BUM. iniwan ako. He's with my #akalakofriendko. sobrang hirap. it all happened just this year. my dream is to become a lawyer.  nagstop ako sa law school. i know it's a stupid move, but sobrang nawala yung drive ko towards schooling. the hardest part for me was he left me just because busy ako sa school and si #akalakofiendko yung nakakasama and nagttake care daw sa kanya.
 
one more thing is we have same circle of friends kaya wala akong masabihan talaga ng sama ng loob. yung parents ko naman disappointed na saakin because they're spending my tuition tapos ganun nalang. for now, i'm a corporate slave. nagwork nalang ako. di ko parin maaccept. madalas ang bitter ko sa mga happy couples. haha. pero tama yung mga advice nila na 10 years are just numbers. nagppray nalang ako na kung may kapalit man tong struggle na to, i hope everything will went well. and sayo rin sis. sana may magandang mangyari sa life mo. good luck!