Do I pursue or let things be as they are?

[SingleDad13]

I'm a single dad, in business and new to this site. Just wanted to get some fresh insights on how I should deal with this.

I had a live in partner for 5 years and had two kids. Unfortunately, my ex partner had a violent nature and it was becoming more frequent and wasn't healthy for the two children. We eventually broke up and I started dating casually this girl I met a few months after her from an event. We had out of town travels and the likes and was blessed by a boy which came as a welcome surprise. We decided to try it out and agreed til he turns one.

We broke up a month ago after she decided that the issues surrounding the relationship was too much to bear. She sees my involvement still in the lives of my two kids from my ex would be a complication to being together. She feels we would have a very complicated family life and would have no peace. She on the other hand has been living with her folks til now that she's 30 and somehow they can be controlling .

My question is this. Getting back with the live in partner is a no no due to the violence and we have since settled on an arrangement for the two children. On the other hand, how do I know to let things be as they are with my recent ex whom I had one kid or how do i pursue and show her I want to work it out with her? We have a visiting arrangement for my kid with her but we dont speak or havent seen each other for almost two months now.

[aquacharly]

Ok, so you want to commit to this last ex, the mom of your 3rd child. 
Well, she declined a life with you. Per your cuento, she views your having the 2 older kids as a complication.  Actually, worse -- that you can't give her a peaceful life.  How to get her back?

Think! Why does she say that now?  All this time, you didn't keep the 2 older kids a secret from her.  So, what is it about how you manage your role as a father to the 2 kids that she finds "inefficient" or messy?
You have moved on from that 1st ex, and you are apparently a responsible father.  But you see, if you want more -- you must also expand your time & power to provide more, to absorb more people into your life,  and to be more efficient at juggling all your roles. 
How can she see herself in the long-term with you if  the image you give her with your current responsibilities/concerns is that of someone who can hardly cope?

As for your disliking her parents coz they are "controlling".  Well, baka what you mean is:  they aren't that receptive to you?  Well, be realistic; sino ba magulang matutuwa their daughter got a child out of wedlock to a man who may appear as "not the marrying type". (Given this is your 3rd kid out of wedlock). 

IMO, it's gonna take more, much much more, than whatever you gave her before in terms of support & attention, for you to get her out of her parents' home to your home.  Life is  complicated for a single mom;  and surely her family provide/help her in any manner she needs help.  If she moves in with you -- pano?  Will you fill up the vacuum of her current support system???  Pondering living in with you now probably overwhelms her.   

To just let her be, or to work on convincing her to resume your relationship?  It depends on how you can fix your life to run smoothly.  Enough to convince her she is going to have an orderly life with you. 

[glamorosa_09]

Hi single dad,

Most likely, your recent ex had undergone some discernment process. Her decision to break up with you could be something she made on her own, or something that was influenced by her parents.

It has been two months since your last communication. Did you make an effort to reach her and try to talk about what's really going on and how to resolve it in any way you can? Yung dating sakin ng post mo, parang something is left hanging, kaya ka nagtatanong ng ganyan. Or you can't fully accept her reasons for breaking up kung wala naman kayong pinag-aawayan and assuming she knows about your situation.

You asked: Do I pursue or just let things be? Well, how strongly do you love her that you're willing to pursue her and risk being rejected again? Rejection, that sure is painful. I couldn't see other reason why you couldn't make up your mind to pursue her, other than fear of rejection. I understand kung babaeng maria clara ka, pero hindi eh. Or perhaps, you doubt yourself and want to give her freedom?

We all want happiness no matter where we are in our lives, ke single dad ka, ke single mom ka. In the end, with regards to your situation, it's a gamble for you to take. What's stopping you from pursuing her? Can you be at peace with yourself without giving it a try?

[agape]

May balak ka bang pakasalan sa kanila or just have panganays?
Sorry, ganyan kasi kapatid ko e. Kung wala kayong anak, gusto mo pa rin ba siya?
Baka naman ang goal niya lang e magka-anak, since age 30 na siya, and not really a live-in partner nor a husband. Mas tahimik kasi talaga ang buhay ng hiwalay eh, kesa maraming sabit at kabit.
Life is complicated enough.

[nicoletta]

Yun nga, I wonder what your plans are.  Wala din naman talaga sigurong parent ang matutuwa knowing na nabuntis anak nila ng single dad with 2 kids.