It's been two months since I had my first major heartbreak.
We weren't even officially a couple. It was a mutual decision for us cos we were both not in a rush to be in a relationship. Though I wasn't in a rush, I wanted to take it slowly but surely. He knew cos he asked me in the first place how I wanted this thing to go, and that's what I told him.
It wasn't my intention to fall for him. I didn't even think we'd click cos we seemed too different. As my friends would describe it, he was like a lion and I was like a lamb.
But yea, we just clicked. It started out as platonic. At the start, I labeled him under "friends" cos I knew what kind of a flirt he was. I even agreed to be his wing woman.
The attraction between us was undeniable though. He was a funny, witty lad. He wasn't that bad-looking too, but he wasn't my typical type (except for the eyes, I admit haha).
But then, he started pestering me on FB until he asked for my number and we started talking since then. I knew he was flirting with me and I gotta give it to him, his charms worked. He knew how to ride along with my banters. I thought I'd give it a chance, and it felt good.
We went our for a couple of times. We made plans here and there. We were simply having a lot of fun. Then after around 3 months, things got intimate between us. He was my first kiss. He was the first guy to get that close to me.
I started lying low for a bit, afraid that I was gonna start to be clingy. I had this fear that things were going to end now that we already kissed. Cos all along, I got this notion na maybe it was just what he was after for. I got some serious trust issues going on. My thoughts were a mess.
But then he started to prove me wrong. He was asking me to spend time with him more frequently and he even wanted me to hang out with his friends. He even offered that we can go home together after work. We had a lot of plans back then. And to be honest, I really felt overwhelmed that I started overthinking and overanalysing the situation.
We still went out for a couple of times. And after the very last time that we went out just last April, I suddenly had this feeling that I needed to pull away for a bit because I felt like he was confusing me a lot. We still talked but not as much. I got busy with my new work and I was in the middle of adjusting too. Every time he would ask me out or hang out, I would tell him, "sige, pag hindi na ako masyadong pagod". I didn't say yes too much na rin sa mga invites niya cos I got afraid na nagiging clingy na ako. Hanggang sa he didn't text as much na rin. I tried to text him first once in awhile and he would respond naman.
But there was something else that I wanted to test which is why I intentionally didn't talk to him for a month.
I took that time to clear my thoughts and assess my feelings for him. I missed him a lot and I knew na nag-fall na ako for him. I wanted to clear things with him but I was too chicken pa to find out the answers.
Pinatagal ko pa before I decided to talk to him again. We even agreed to hang out pa but before that could even happen, my heart shattered into pieces when he told me he already has a girlfriend.
I was like, wow? Ganun kabilis?
I confronted him. We talked things out. Our feelings were mutual all along. He felt bad when I stopped talking to him. He didn't want to force it. He was waiting on me. I was waiting on him. We were waiting on each other.
I took the courage to ask him if may something na sila nung girl when we're still going out and he said no. I know, possible na nagsisinungaling siya or whatever pero I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I didn't know what to believe in anymore. Cos sabi nila kapag gusto ka, hindi ka titigilan kahit anong mangyari. But what if you pushed him away too far? Where do you even draw the line?
Anyway, I gotta give it to him. He didn't leave me hanging. He kept saying sorry to me. I appreciate that he told me the truth but I was really hurt. Well, what do you know? The truth hurts indeed. Haha
He wants us to stay friends cos he doesn't see any reason for us to stop being friends just because of this. I told him I'll need time.
Mas okay na ako ngayon compared hung 2 months ago. I was really a mess. May konti pa ring kirot hanggang ngayon, pero I think I'll get by. We even saw each other a couple of weeks ago. It was the first time na nagkita kami since we "broke up" (I'm using this term loosely cos I don't know what to call it haha). Na-awkward ako at first but I think I managed to get through it. He even kept following me around. LOL
There are still times na namimiss ko siya. He would still text me once in awhile, so yea we're talking pa rin pero I know that things are different now. Minsan nagtetxt din ako sa kanya pero binabawas-bawasan ko na. Even if gusto ko siyang i-text, kailangan ko nang panindigan ang pag-resist ko. At least hanggang alam kong 100% clean na ako sa feelings ko for him.
Well anyway, I definitely learned my lesson here. I just need to keep holding on that things will get even better eventually.
