Secrets to Happy Marriage

[momlory]

Hi sa mga sis natin dito na happily married and succesful please share your tips.

[aquacharly]

How do you define "happily married and successful"?

I think I am "happily married" NOWadays.   I do not go through days of fears and doubts, and have no more thoughts of violence.  I can't say with certainty he is, that IMO would be pretentious.  But he appears content without his  previous inclinations to fck around  (as far as I now know) and to verbally  abuse me and our employees  & house staff.  I have ceased being The Victim, so he can no longer be The Abuser.

"Successful". Yes, hahaha, IMO.  To reference Tom Cruz, the Republican:  I am now the Russian bear to his kitty cat.  Hahaha

Bottom line:  YES, we are "happily married & successful" now because we are able to bring out The Best in each other everyday.   That's .....
TIP #1:   Aim to bring out  THE BEST in each other.

TIP #2:  PRAY.   You may not pray together, but acknowledge that you pray for each other.

TIP#3:   Treat each other with RESPECT & KINDNESS.   Without Respect & Kindness, Love cannot exist.
(Don't buy into that crap: pagmamahal brutal. Sa teleserye lang yan)

TIP #4:   Be  Good Partners 1st, then Good Parents.  No good partnership = insufficient parenting.

TIP #5:   Always have a sense of Humor.  Wit, but never sarcasm (which is the lowest form of  Wit).

TIP #6:   "There should be spaces in your togetherness".  Be free to follow your respective individuality.
             
TIP #7:   A wife should be financially independent (minimum: financially capable)

              The Assumption madres may slap me for this, but:  it isn't Love that makes the world turn.
              It's Money.  Money gives a woman Power &' "a voice" to:  speak up;  be her Authentic Self;
              be a real partner in advancing the family;  and  get herself The Life her soul yearns for. 



To stress TIP #7, which is  a very important element of my advocacy:

              The best insurance a woman can get for herself is to be financially independent. Nobody will take as good care of yourself but you.   
               No Money:    no can speak up; limited choices.
               God put us on this earth with loads of Potential.  He did not put us here to suffer, to be a martyr to someone.  IMO, He created us to live A Beautiful Life, and to help others attain A Beautiful Life too.   IMO, financial independence is 1 necessary element to living A Beautiful Life.  So, do not fail Him.

[glamorosa_09]

I agree with the first six tips you gave. But IMO too, that when a woman chose for herself to serve her family full time, doesn't mean she is failing her God, just because she is not financially independent. It's true, that one should help create a beautiful life for others, and that others include one's children and husband.

But looking through the lens of an abusive relationship, I agree that a woman should empower herself, both psychologically and financially. Because as you said, one deserves a life free from martyrdom, violence, and abuse.

[hedonista]

Speaking in a pov of a woman who has a goal of being happily married...

> Communication is possibly one of the few things that can make a marriage work and happy.
> Integrity in relationship: it's what you do when your partner is not looking --- back to basic - TRUST.

I think that's it for now. I'll share when I learn more. 3 years and counting hoping and wishing and trusting the Big Man up there for a better brigher happier marriage and family life

[Adam1025]

Faith in God
Love
Trust
Respect
Acceptance
And allowance for mistake. 

I'm happily married although our marriage is not perfect. 

[glamorosa_09]

From my POV...

1. As a single person, decide already to have a happy marriage.

How? By getting to know yourself,  through being aware of your values, strengths, weaknesses, personal issues. Become Ms. Right and have a dedication to become a better person, so you will have a high chance of attracting Mr. Right who is also committed to self-improvement. Try to complete yourself without relying on someone to complete you or rescue you. Pwede rin namang single forever, si Mr. Right ay bonus na lang.

When dating, observe what kind of family he has and how he relates with his family members, most probably this is how he will relate with you in your future home (Homing instinct ika nga, unless he has a strong self-awareness and dedication to stop in his own family the dysfunctional dynamics he got from his family of origin). Observe too how he relates with people whom he doesn't need to be nice with (e.g., janitors, waiters), there's a high chance that this is how he will relate with you when he doesn't need to be nice to you. Kung magalang sya kahit sa pulubi, magalang talaga syang tao.

Do not settle for less, wag kumuha ng batong buong buhay mong ipupukpok sa iyong ulo. Maging mapili, gaya ng pagiging pihikan mo sa pagbili ng sapatos, damit, at ibang importanteng bagay para sayo. Dahil itong taong ito ang makakasama mo pang habang buhay, di katulad ng sapatos o gamit na pwedeng itapon pag wala ng saysay. Di mo kailangan ng Mr. Perfect, wala namang ganun, ok na si Mr. Right.


2. Tap into your Higher Power: God, Buddha, Allah, Life, Vishnu, etc.

Ultimately your Higher Power is your source of strength, patience, understanding, forgiveness, wisdom, humility. And these are all important when you're living with someone who is a totally different person from you. Tao ka lang, may mga oras at mga pagsubok wherein manghihina ka, and it's your Higher Power who will be your source and aid. Being a Catholic, si Lord ang takbuhan ko kapag di ko na kaya ihandle ang sarili ko o ang sitwasyon naming mag-asawa. Pag hirap magpatawad, magdasal. Pag hirap magpakumbaba, magdasal. Pag sobrang galit, ibuhos ang galit kay Lord. Para konti na lang ang natitira para kay husband.

3. Continuous Education and Lifetime Learning about marriage and relationship.

Know the effect of gender differences and personality differences in relationships. Gary Chapman's 5 love languages. John Powell's 5 levels of communication. Principles of Fascinating Womanhood for healthy marriages. Your lolo and lola's secrets in reaching their 50th anniversary. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... These are all helpful in making your marriage work. Reading this thread and the likes is one way to do it.

4. Become a team.

Of course dalawa kayong kinasal. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang pumunta sa altar. So tulungan, bigayan, unawaan till the end, at walang iwanan.

[super bratinella]

Keep all those secrets coming up!!! thanks in advance!

[aquacharly]

I agree with the first six tips you gave. But IMO too, that when a woman chose for herself to serve her family full time, doesn't mean she is failing her God, just because she is not financially independent. It's true, that one should help create a beautiful life for others, and that others include one's children and husband.

But looking through the lens of an abusive relationship, I agree that a woman should empower herself, both psychologically and financially. Because as you said, one deserves a life free from martyrdom, violence, and abuse.

#7  I don't equate the lack of financial independence with full-time service to family. 
      One can have both, or lack both. 
      Some start being financially dependent, then morph into financial independence. Timing.
      Some SAHMs or full-time wives I know, are very financially independent.  (They are hands on with their asset  & portfolio management.).

I apologize if I may have given the message that not being financially independent means not serving God & others. My opinion lies in maximizing potential God has given a person.  I took it for granted everybody has the potential to be financially independent & the drive/motivation to max this. 
No offense intended.     (I better stop here before I dig myself into a hole with my clarifications. Hahaha )

Even had I not come from an abusive relationship,  my advocacy for financial independence will persist.   IMO, one has more options to maximize one's potential if one has financial independence.  Life is more than freedom from violence, abuse, martyrdom...   The soul yearns for more....

And yes, marriage is teamwork.   

> Communication is possibly one of the few things that can make a marriage work and happy.

At a Jung workshop, Dr Dido Villasor said that the skill of positive communication is what most  Filipino couples lack.  The men tend to assume the questions/issues asked by their wives don't need to be answered nor  explained: "Obvious ba? Kelangan pa ba spell-out?"
Dr. Sophie Sim Bate  says communication is not just verbal.  One cannot expect a spouse 's personality to change; adapt, yes.   A couple should develop their own language daw. 

[momlory]

^Sis aquarcharly pashare naman ako ng mga workshops about family na alam mo. Thanks!

[langley]

First, have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior (always number one)
Second, know your roles in the marriage (husband and wives have different God given roles in marriage)
Third, do not usurp each others role except if someone has physical disability or sick
Fourth, lessen materialism (Material things will never ever satisfy, you will just want more and more, so be content with what you have)
Fifth, joyfully do your duties (being husband or wife) as doing it for the Lord and not for man.

Always remember that only Jesus Christ can satisfy the soul.

John 4:12-14

“Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life’.

[aquacharly]

^Sis aquarcharly pashare naman ako ng mga workshops about family na alam mo. Thanks!

I am quite attached to the Jungian philosophy as set forth by the Makati-based Jung Circle of Friends.
Mind you, I am a Catholic;  Jung & my religion are not in conflict.  So, okay!
This group was  formed by very intelligent, pragmatic, non-judgmental people like Rose Yenko, Dr Dido Villasor, Dr Sophie Sim Bate, Bernie Nepomuceno etc etc -- all accomplished in their fields.

They conduct regular workshops, which I attend --  walang makaka pigil sa akin. Hahaha.  I really enjoy these & get  psychologically, emotionally & intellectually enriched. 

Basically, the focus is on your self exploration and understanding.
There is no right /wrong judgment. Whatever you did/did not do, whatever  anyone did to you:  it just is what it is. Look at it as another turning point for you to improve yourself, to be able to deal with Life's curved balls better. 
The more you understand yourself -- the more you gain strength & wisdom to handle what life throws at you.

The workshops are exhilarating, and liberating.  Empowering.   You will enjoy new friendships too. 
There is a workshop starting this week. I don't want to give details here coz baka ma Warning!/Watched ako. Hehe. Ask me, I will answer. 

So there, IMO,  a happy family starts with an emotionally/psychologically resilient woman. Resilient, I did not say Perfect:  no one is such.  So there, knowing/understanding one's self more leads to greater resiliency.  Once you understand yourself,   you can more clearly see/understand and deal with your spouse, family, etc etc.   Ineffective  kasi:   The Blind leading The Blind. 

There is another group that is a combination of Jung & CEFAM that conducts short workshops somewhere in Loyola Heights. A BFF attends this.  I will talk to her thoroughly about this first, then get back to you. 

Sis MOMLORY, tama attitude mo about seeking info on dynamics of family relationships.  Reading books sure are helpful.  But iba din yung exchange of info based on others' experiences & higher training,  as done in workshops. 

[Cheesecak3]

^parang gusto kong sumali.

I think the Secret of our Happy Marriage are:

1. Communication - eto kahit ano pwedeng pag usapan. Kahit mga simpleng bagay, pangarap sa buhay at planong gawin sa buhay. Minsan may mga hilig ang asawa natin na minsan hindi natin nagegets, katulad na lang ng husband ko, ang hilig hilig sa kotse at ako naman walang  hilig, pero everytime may kwento sya about cars, nakikinig ako at madami akong natutunan. Nong una mahirap sa akin pero kailangan natin minsan maging barkada din nila.
Sya din nag adjust specially if I talk about bags, nakikinig sya at minsan sya pa ang nagsasabi sa akin na bumili ng bagong bag, at nagset aside pa sya ng pambili.

2. Prayer - dapat same kayo ng faith. Dapat alam nya kung ano ang mahalaga sayo at pareho kayo dapat ng values.

3. Date - hindi porket mag asawa na ay kakalimutan na ang mag date. We see to it to have dates every weekend. Minsan nag out of town pa kami, kasi mas doon namin nasasabi sa isa't isa ang mga dapat sabihin.

[ankyneMD]

7 years na kami married ni hub pero dami na pagsubok, mainitin din kasi ulo and madalas gusto ko ako yung nagmamando kay hubby ng mga dapat gawin. Hndi kasi ako kuntento sa mga ginagawa nya. Maling mali pala yun. Hanggang sa may nakausap akong saksi ni jehovah at binigyan ako ng libro named "ang lihim ng kaligayahan sa pamilya".. Binabasa ko siya hanggang ngayon at ang bottomline ng mga advices doon, maging mabilis sa pakikinig at mabagal sa pagkagalit.

[j.adore]

Subscribing! Hope to see more

[sarsingkit]

I really won't say there are secrets to a happy marriage kasi we all know naman what works and what does not work in a relationship. There are just times that we snap out of ourselves and no not apply all these beautiful lessons. Kaya tama yung self exploration and understanding kasi with that you are able to be above all the struggles in life. It lessens that moments that you become somebody that you don't want to be like nagger or being praning or anything like that. And I like adding the word "shared" in all values in marriage. Shared communication, share trust, shared responsibility, shared prayer. Makes all the difference.