Sociopathic Relationship Abuse

[glamorosa_09]

@Hedonista

This a very helpful thread you started, especially for those wives who don't know that they are in an abusive relationships. Just by reading through your list, a victim of a sociopath could have a moment of enlightenment. I would just like to add that sociopathy (anti-social personality disorder) is just one of the several personality disorders that could wreak havoc on relationships and on the well-being of the other intimate partner. Since you already broached this topic, I guess it's also worth mentioning the other personality disorders written in DSM-5:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
-a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and
lack of empathy.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)
-is a pattern of preoccupation with orderliness,
perfectionism, and control.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
-is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity

There are 10 disorders actually, just added three as there are overlaps on some of these. For example, ASPD,BPD,OCPD, NPD are capable of emotional abuse; ASPD and NPD are egocentric and have grandiose sense of self-worth; and most of them are incapable of empathy and intimacy. An individual could have one or more of these personalities. If you're interested, you can read their criteria here --> http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf. Those are from DSM-5, the psychiatric diagnostic 'bible.'

Hope this post has added value on this thread.

[hedonista]

glamorosa_09 Thank you sis for the helpful info. I will sure read through it. I wanted to help other women. Kasi the signs of being in a sociopathic relationship or any abusive relationship are just symptoms of a bigger problem. Best that we are educated about these things para ano man mangyare may help at strong ang mga babae...like me. I feel I die everyday. I am always scared of tomorrow. I am scared to be happy. most of the time it is just the calm before the storm which happens weekly.

Kaiz I have a son too. Same with you I had suicidal thoughts din. Yun nga I am scared of tomorrow. I am scared to be happy. kasi babawiin lang rin. Narealize ko lately...Pattern na sya. 7 years. Weekly. At first I thought ako [textspeak!] emotionally unstable. First na naranasan ko is silent treatment first 3 years. Highest form of emotional abuse pala sya. Ikaw sa alcohol mag isa as way of coping, ako naman i take sleeping pills or anything that will induce sleep. just want to end the day wake up another. I also have a son. That is why now I am trying to educate myself, increase awareness to those who are on the same boat, and seek support anywhere I can.

Sa lahat ng nabasa ko, a SOCIOPATH can not ans will not and is not capable of CHANGE. Wala pa ako nabasa about change na possible sya. But i still have a tinge of hope. Maybe a little. Di pa give up. Matibay pa helmet. lol

Read: Martha Stout's Sociopath Next Door.

[langley]

wives are also capable of abusing their husbands.

NAGGING - verbal abuse

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

[hedonista]

langley yes sis
because being abusive and/or being a sociopath is not gender specific. may mga babaeng abusive at sociopath.

[kaiz]

sis HEDONISTA, used to take sleeping pills din. kaso nung talagang sasabog na.. yung gusto ko na talaga umiyak and ilabas na yung sama ng loob ko, that's when i resorted to alcohol. now na wala na ang enemy, wala na din.

ang hirap kasi wala kang masabihan. ayaw na ayaw din ng hubby ko before yung lumalabas with friends na wala sya.. kahit sa mga pinsan nya na girls lang din, dapat kasama sya.

[aquacharly]

Yes that's the start of abuse:  the man isolates you from family and friends.   

[ayka]

My husband's habits:

-can live inside the bedroom for a year - as long as there's TV and internet
-refuses to have me as his company in a bar/pub (dahil mapapaaway lang daw siya at baka may mangyari sa akin)
-rarely opens up to me
-loves watching documentaries about educational but weird stuff (serial killers, mental disorders, etc)
-CAN look/browse at the same stuff/topic for a long time, over and over (like he's been looking/staring  at bicycles EVERY DAY in the internet for 2 years now, even though he has 6 bicycles already)
-huge ego, machismo (the main reason why he cheated on me last year, tinanggalan ko daw kasi siya ng "balls", I was too controlling)

Weird, diba? except for the EGO part, and I think you know what I mean.

So...may tendency. BUT - he asked for my forgiveness and showed remorse for what he's done (the affair). And he's even changed his attitude. Like now, he's able to share his feelings (on our relationship, his work, sports, etc). He also always asks my opinion on almost everything (even on an item he's buying).

My point is, IMO - we all have tendencies to become one (a sociopath). Magva-vary lang in percentage- from 0 to 100 %. I'm talking about tendency lang, not being one. Each and every one of us has his very own demons (or kasamaan/evil) inside, waiting to be unleashed. How? Depends on the circumstances,  your environment, your family, friends-- and most specially, YOURSELF. Unless you are "mentally ill"/"mentally challenged", you CAN control the urge/desire before it overwhelms or overpowers you because you still have intact JUDGMENT and INSIGHT. That's why MARRIAGE is possible and can work in the first place. Imagine two different people co-existing?

Remember, we weren't born perfect. Nobody is.

And unfortunately, IMO, you CANNOT control the way your partner thinks, feels, etc. BUT your behavior and actions somehow CAN.   

[glamorosa_09]

@ayka

I agree with you, like what kaiz also pointed out, we have a tendency to manifest some sociopathic signs. But for the benefit of other wives, so as they would not confuse what's normal from what is not, I think the important questions to ask are: Are the signs, mentioned by hedonista, enduring pattern/habit? Or is he just under the influence of substance abuse that is why he's acting like that? Can his developmental stage or socioculture explain his stable behaviors? Kasi if the answers are yes, no, no, that should be a cause of concern.

I think what hedonista quoted is pretty important:

1.  The cycle begins with a loud verbal explosion, yelling, screaming, accusations, verbal harassment, needling, or threats of abandonment
2. Next, a period of remorse, rationalizations and/or excuses follow
3.The calm before the next storm. Things go back to “normal”–for a time. This is referred to as the “honeymoon phase.” No overt abuse is taking place. He/She appears sincere in his/her efforts to be kind and loving, but what she/he's actually doing is lulling you into a false sense of security that the worst is over. It’s not.
4.  Tension begins to build again, replacing the all too fleeting honeymoon period. Irritability surfaces. Communication deteriorates. She makes veiled accusations, blaming you for her unhappiness, frustration and anything else she can think of. She emotionally withdraws and gives you the cold shoulder. Eventually, this escalates into another full-blown rage episode, verbal attack, humiliation party or completely shuts you out."

for other women kasi this cycle has become their new normal. Kahit yung may mga bruises na in different parts of their body, some don't know they're victims na pala of physical, psychological, emotional abuse. Or yung mga husbands who has a pattern of destroying properties pag nagagalit. I once remember na may nasira akong gamit because of anger, but then it happened once lang, hindi naman ako ganun pag tuwing nagagalit.

Now for the descriptions you gave about your husband:

can live inside the bedroom for a year - as long as there's TV and internet-CAN look/browse at the same stuff/topic for a long time, over and over (like he's been looking/staring  at bicycles EVERY DAY in the internet for 2 years now, even though he has 6 bicycles already)

Looks like this is more on attention while the others you mentioned are okay lang. Seems like he has a tendency to hyperfocus and to lose track of time, tama ba? Does he also get easily distracted ba? And about the bicyles, is he just a collector, or he has tendency/habit to hoard kahit hindi bicycles? The symptoms you mentioned hindi masyado sa tendency about personality disorders who can inflict abuse. Again, I am just clarifying for the benefit of other wives, kasi I received a couple of emails about this, di nila alam abused na sila.

[ayka]

@glamorosa_09

The things I mentioned are just those that I find weird about my husband. I think the only one related to sociopathic behavior is the ego part.

As for your questions, my husband has been like that since he was a child, as explained by his mom. When he likes something, he has to have dozens of them. He doesn't just collect, he does hoard. But he admits, since we've been together, he learned how to be practical and not waste money. He even sold some of his bikes, thus there are only 6 left. And the habit of staying inside our room for the longest time, he's aware of it. He says everything that he needs naman daw is in our house, bakit pa siya lalabas? Yun ang reason niya. Though we've travelled naman a lot before. But still I find it weird.

Sorry if I caused a confusion.

I'm not sure if this will help our sisters here who fear that they may be in a sociopathic relationship abuse, but let me share it anyway. Here's a link to one of my readings (in case you haven't read this)  regarding sociopaths. It's adapted from Confessions of a Sociopath, written by M. E. Thomas - a diagnosed female patient. The last paragraphs creep me out.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath

[hedonista]

ayka

hi sis thank you for sharing your thoughts. No you did not create or cause confusion. It is in these stuffs and sharing that we will all come to clarity and knowledge. Also I am re-reading the link you shared and it is so shocking. Kumbaga ito ang manifestation ng lahat ng nababasa ko about sociopath ito yung empirical data vs sa mga nababasa ko lang na theories.

sociopath = they lack remorse. marami rin nito mga Boss at managers... sa upper management.

[hedonista]

sis ayka, i got interested reading the link you gave me and searched through or more about M.E. thomas. Being a creative writing major, I wanted to immediately read reviews.

nakakatawa tong review na to kasi sounds true. Trait kasi ng sociopath yung being pathological liar.

here is the review I read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/books/review/confessions-of-a-sociopath-by-m-e-thomas.html?_r=0

Best and most reliable book I read about sociopath is Martha Stout's Sociopath Nextdoor

[clio]

thanks for sharing this! im still living with w/ a sociopathic person

[hedonista]

Hi Sis clio

you are welcome. my main goal is to increase awareness so that we, who have observed traits and other signs, can deal with it without damaging ourselves. But again, we cannot fully declare they are sociopaths unless a professional or competitive with a degree or phd in psych has diagnosed the person. Still, educating ourselves and knowing the redflags can help us handle situations in our lives. Knowledge is power.

I hope you read more about this topic on your own. THere is hope. Dont be depressed upon knowing or that you have determined signs of abuse. Be thankful that now you have the capacity to know how to deal.

[KittiEKittiE]

This thread has not been active for such a long time but I am glad I am not alone. Ang hirap din kasi nung none of your friends experienced it, hindi sila makarelate even if they symphatize with me. At least there are people here where I can reach out for support. I'm just curious, how's everyone doing? I mean ginugulo pa ba kayo ng mga ex nyo?

[hedonista]

^ Hi sis.
In my case he is not an ex. Since sociopaths mimic traits of normal people, I am kind to him and so he mimics in return although sometimes, ang susurface pa din ang totoong traits nya. I think I am bearing it and living for moments na ok sya for the sake of our son and marriage. I dont know anymore. I am living in the moment and cherish moments though maybe fake for the sociopath, is real for me. I learn about meditation and mindfulness and I am expert at dealing already.

[Xoxolol]

After almost 7 yrs, I finally had the guts to leave my husband. Mahirap pero kailangan para makapag-isip isip muna kami at para din sa mga bata. Feeling ko nananaginip ako at kinaya ko na umalis muna sa bahay namin. I was accompanied by my in laws. We all decided na it would be best na wag muna kami magsama. But syempre, sayang kasi we are just Building our family of course wini wish ko pa rin na umayos lahat.

Lahat ng signs nasa kanya. Na tolerate or nabulag ako. Natakot. Nahiya. Naging in denial. Pero last night happened. Nag away kami then bigla ko nalang tinawagan parents nya. May anger issues kasi si husband. Kinausap siya then we all decided na maghiwalay but siya ayaw nya kasi ano daw purpose ng paginvest sa bahay at lahat ng pino-provide nya samin. Haha mas importante naman na maayos yung relationship ng family, na masaya kami.

And now...today is Day 1

[glamorosa_09]

Wow! Congrats to your first independence day sis... it was probably one hell of a roller coaster ride before you reached this point...

But... there's a possibility for you to relapse and reconcile with him again... but then... just do what you think is best for everyone, including you... God bless!

[hedonista]

@Xoxolol
Wow you did it. After few years, ang nag susurface talaga na solusyon is Grey Rock Method or No Contact.
You cut contact with the abuser but still if you have children together, that is a different story. Una legality and shared responsibility so need pa din usap or magkita.

Congrats sis. Kaya mo yan. Update us.

[Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore]

Interesting and informative thread.

[hedonista]

^Thank you sis.
I wish to spread awareness through this thread, my research and my experience.

I live with one. I met 10 yrs ago and now my husband and we have a child. there are relapse on his part and I go PTSD like mode sometimes because of memory triggers but with the right attitude, right mind, resources and wisdom, I know I can do it. With online support too.
Mix with the law of attraction by Rhonda Byrne, I am working on a normal marriage and happy family with the man I think who is a spath.