Psychological Problem?

[Sylph]

I need some advice... Ever since I was young, I always walk away from a friend or a group of friends even though they were once close to me. During my elementary days, I had a best friend. One day I fought with another girl in school. During recess time, the whole class would play hide and seek, together with the girl I fought. I told my best friend if she can accompany me instead of playing with the group. But she insisted to play. I was hurt because I felt being left out by my very best friend. One day, I learned from another friend that my best friend treated me as "best friend" it's because I'm telling others she's my best friend and not because she wanted to. I don't know how true is the chismis, but I left her.

During high school days, I met this girl called Alice. She became my best friend. But she had a bad attitude wherein kapag di nasunod gusto nya, magagalit sya sakin sabay walk out. I bear with it for years kasi natatakot ako mawalan ng friend. But came college days, I had a new group of barkada in school (because Alice enrolled in a different school, but we were still good friends). However, things turned up differently, I couldn't get along with the barkada because I easily feel bad when they don't treat me well. Not sure if nawala ba trust ko sa friendship because of my childhood experiences. I easily walk out from friends if I they once say or do something I don't like (intentionally or unintentionally).

Now I have issues with my current 2 friends and would want to walk out from them again. But, mawawalan nanaman ako ng friend kapag umalis ako.

First situation:
Alice got pregnant same with me with our first baby. I went to OB for my blood check and ultrasound. Her doctor didn't give her any. I keep suggesting to have a check up but they won't listen. Her husband think I'm too pakialamera. Come 6th month, she was diagnosed with gestational hypertension and had to undergo emergency CS. Her baby died after a week or two. After the incident, she doesn't want to see me, even if I ask her out to unwind so she won't be depressed. Telling me she is not prepared to see anybody, but then I found out after a few months, she went out with my other barkada. That's when I realize it's only me, she doesn't want to see. I got hurt and talked with her, but she didn't acknowledge my feelings. Telling me, I just think too much. After a few months, Jen was pregnant again with her 2nd baby. Again, she didn't sustain the pregnancy and underwent another emergency CS at 6th month. Her baby died again after a month. And after a month of CS, she went for another operation because her intestine nagdikit dikit and she even had 500k debt for the incubation of her 2nd baby. I know I should understand her situation... I'm trying to. I even tried helping her case. Lately, she keep telling me that I'm so lucky because I own a car, wherein they don't have. My barkada are so lucky because they are installing for house, wherein they don't have. Now that I am pregnant with my second baby, she also keep telling me she is so jealous of me. I feel bad about a friend keep comparing herslef to me. It's like a very good friend is sooo jealous of my success. She and her husband has a business. I'm only an employee. Alice never asks me out to meet and mingle. She would only talk to me thru facebook or YM or text. If I ask her out, she would decline. Telling me to wait for the whole barkada to be complete before we go out.


Question: If you were in my shoe, how would you handle this kind of friend?


Also, do you consider a friend really "a friend" if she never ask you out to mingle?

[patriciaheart]

Hi sis, depende lang din sa personality ng isang tao eh, ako kasi yung tipong kaya ko maging loner pero cool parin, tipong hinde naman ako nalulungkot kahit ako lang mag isa,, sa totoo lang sa mga gala gala sa mall mas gusto ko mag isa (typical Pisces lol) and I found it weird before that some people cannot stand being alone . Sabi sakin ng numerologist, I can make a stranger my friend in less than 10 minutes but I choose not too -- which is true! lol hinde sa suplada ha pero may mga tao talagang mas nag eenjoy sila na mag isa lang sila and still keep good friends. Ngaun ang nakikita ko eh yung mga friends mo nayan ay hinde mo ma cocontrol,, wala tayo ma kkontrol maski bibig ng iba hinde natin makkontrol kaya what we can do is just to deal with the cards we are dealt with. So yan friend mo nayan is ayaw gumala, mag night out etc etc, pabayaan mo sya,,try to look at it from her point of view -- diba namatayan lang? hinde pasok sa banga utak nyan right now.. Baka malay mo wala pala sya pera (di maka habol sa type mo na resto or hinde rin nya bet) or bad timing lang  or kung totoo nga na ayaw nya na kasama ka eh bakit mo pa hahabulin yan?

Its a matter of finding people that appreciate your generosity, people you get along with ( minsan nga pag kaugali mo ang tao eh mas lalo ayaw nyo sa isat isa ) . Wag pilitin ang ayaw, marami din dyan iba like you na naapreciate ang mga lunches and dinners with friends while others find it a waste of time or  would rather spend it with their family.

Cheer up sis wag pa apekto sa mga issue nila, kung hinde ka nila maapreciate kahit since maganda naman ang pakay mo, edi wag.

[aquacharly]

I sort out my relationships this way, basically:
Extended Family: Till Death  do us part.  Family will always be there for you, even after you bring disasters to fall on you.
Friends come  & go. They are not family, except for a very very very few.  Do not confuse Friends with Family.   
For True Friends are rare, you can count on your fingers.  These friendships are gifts, and cannot be forced.  And these true friendships survive long absences.

Personally, I aim not to be needy with friends.  See you when I see you. I too do not want to be burdened with required social attendance.
Don't get too attached to friends; learn to let go. Learn to love your own company .

What else? I do not give advice nor comment unless asked.  Believe me, for a curious & opinionated person like me -- that is a real hardship. Hahahahaha
Giving Unsolicited Advice  is like being the bearer of bad news:  they just itch to shoot the messenger.

I make new friends all the time: based on current interests, concerns, business matters, whatever.
The operative word:  current.  That way, I do not look forward to more than what a friend can give of herself/himself/whatever-self at any time. So, no-stress friendships. And I or my friends do not "overstay our welcome" in each other's lives.   No letdowns, no disappointments, no ill feelings that way.  Moving on, moving on, moving on.   

But rest assured, I do get long-lasting deep and true friendships too along the way.  Yung type na kahit years kami hindi nag-usap or kita, when we re-connect: it's just like yesterday. Plus, when I urgently need help/whatever:  no questions asked.  I am very blessed to have such true friends.

I am an imperfect person, I know.  But based on the above guidelines,I am able to not beat myself,  from expecting too much, when a friend disappoints/hurts me.
I do a check, of course:  if I may have unwittingly offended her, or done something with malice. If apologies are in order, I deliver. 
But see, there is a price to every friendship.  Am I willing to put up with her/his/whatever "warts":  moods, recreational drug use, obsessive-compulsiveness, innate kalandian, tendency to backstab, drive to control, social-climbing, neediness... whatever "wart/s".   Assess, move on without "closing doors", no regrets.

What am I trying yo tell you about your situation?
That: I  do not think it's a psychological problem. IMO, it's a perspective problem: yours. Just adjust your expectations of  friendships, & give a big allowance for human faults. It's not you, always; it's them too, at times. 

[Sylph]

What am I trying yo tell you about your situation?
That: I  do not think it's a psychological problem. IMO, it's a perspective problem: yours. Just adjust your expectations of  friendships, & give a big allowance for human faults. It's not you, always; it's them too, at times. 

Aquacharly, actually you are right. But this is just one big ouch to me. My husband told me not to expect from this friendship (same as yours), because these people do not give much importance of my existence. But it hurts me that Alice is once my best friend, which I've known for almost 20 years. She rarely ask me to hang out or catch up. Especially these past 5 to 7 years. Another girl that I thought is close to me also never ask me to hang out unless my other friends are present. But we do keep constant communication thorugh text, YM, FB. But you know, I really feel there is lacking.... It's easy to communicated through this electronic device without any hassle. But seeing each other personally needs effort. And that's what I'm looking for for a friend.

[blushberry]

Siguro Sylph, you will just really have to learn to let go of friendships that once were, you know.  You have a husband, you have children, I'm assuming you have new interests narin ngayon?

In your new job or business, siguro you have new acquaintances naman?  Don't fret too much and don't force yourself na siguro if the person does not want to see you or hang out with you.  Ganun talaga, friends come and go.  I also have a friend that I haven't seen for a long time, to be honest, I don't really care.  If her name comes up, I am curious pero nothing to it.  I don't even bother to research about her or ask people about her, nabura Facebook niya, everyone got curious but I think may tinataguan na naman. weird din siya eh.  I don't bother.  I have my old friends, we rarely see each other pero we are definitely friends. I have new friends too.  Enjoy life!

[aquacharly]

^^ everything changes, sooner or later.  20 years is a long time, too long to expect you will all go on relating with each other the same way.   
As BLUSHBERRY said, you yourself must have new interests now, and you already have your own family unit...big change

It will be easier to spend time with friends that you have a common interest or concern with NOW.   
Like moms of your kid's classmates, your officemates/colleagues.... Neighbors. Or those whose sport or hobby is like  yours. 

[kvandenhaak]

This is how I will deal with the situation. If the person doesn't want to hang out with me, why do I have to beg for their attention? Friends grow apart, people discover new interests, new hobbies, etc. That is just part of life. So, I should broaden my horizon and find new friends. Why stick with someone that doesn't want my company? I have one best friend. Five or ten years from now, my best friend might be a different person. That's just how it is.