Author Topic: Help! A not so happily ever after...  (Read 3117 times)

dollet

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Help! A not so happily ever after...
« on: August 12, 2014, 08:04:44 pm »
Hi everyone,

this is my first post here. lurker lang ako dati. but I badly needed your advice, that's why I started this topic. I don't know what to do anymore.

I got married last year. before marriage, nahuli ko bf ko na may ka-fling. he had an affair with her officemate (may bf din). after ko sila mahuli, he decided to end our relationship. so mas pinili niya yung girl. almost one year din kami nagbreak.

nag usap pa rin kami kahit nung time na break na kami. then one time nagkita kami ulet. wala na sila nung girl nun. after ng usap-usap, naging kami ulet. he said sorry for what he did. sabi niya nung time na nawala ako sa kanya, dun niya narealize na ako talaga yung gusto niya makasama. after a few months, he proposed to me na.

nung naging kami ulet, nakita ko naman sa kanya na nagbago talaga siya. hinde na naging issue ulet sa amin yung pambabae niya. so akala ko okay na lahat. kaya nagpakasal kami.

a few months after we got married, meron girl na tumatawag sa kanya. kinabahan ako. so tinanong ko siya kung sino yun. umamin siya na naging ka-fling niya yun. this happened few months na lang before wedding. he said na kaya daw niya ginawa yun para makasiguro siya sa decision niya na magpakasal. at natatakot siya na hinde na niya magagawa yun (pambabae) kapag kasal na kami. aware yung babae na ikakasal na siya. sadyang malandi lang din talaga kaya pumatol pa rin.

I was so devastated nung nalaman ko ito. kasi feeling ko niloko ako. kung nalaman ko yun kahit hours na lang before ng wedding, hinde na ako magpapakasal eh. alam naman naten na mahirap ang annulment dito sa pinas. at makipaghiwalay ako sa kanya. iba pa rin yung freedom kapag annulled na.

sabi niya wala lang daw sa kanya yun. part lang ng wedding jitters. pero sobrang sakit eh. hinde ko magawa kalimutan yung nangyari. nakikita ko naman sa kanya yung effort na makuha ulet yung trust ko. pero tuwing nakikita ko siya. naalala ko yung sakit. wala na ako peace of mind.

ayaw naman niya makipaghiwalay. lalo na dati pa naman daw yung nangyari. matagal na daw tapos. mula nung nagpakasal kami, wala na siya ginagawa masama.

I'm willing to trust him again. kahit na sobrang hirap. pero pano ko ba makakalimutan yung ginawa niya pangloloko sa akin? actually, yung ang problema ko ngayon eh. minsan nagiging historical na ako sa kanya, nag end up tuloy na mag aaway kami. bakit parang sa kabila ng lahat ng ginawa sa akin, eh parang ako pa yung problemado ngayon. gusto ko lang naman maging masaya, yun ko masabi ko na happily married ako.

I need your help guys. ano ba maganda gawin?







imbisibol_

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2014, 10:22:25 pm »
don't aim for a happily ever after.  you will always end up disappointed.  try for a happy right now.  it's up to you to make either a mountain or a molehill out of this.  the cheating did happen before the marriage; he did own up to it; and most importantly- or so he says, the fling has ended.

if he is making the effort to regain your trust, meet him half-way or at least a quarter of the way.  but as  always- even with no history of cheating, wives should always be alert and their womanly instincts set on  High.

sistah!

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 05:02:07 pm »
before anything else, you need to ask yourself how willing are you to move past the infidelity? people are able to survive extramarital affairs and come out stronger than before but it is a long and arduous task of forgiveness and surrender. forgiveness about what happened and learning to control yourself always. if you decide to take this route, you need to learn not to bring up the infidelity all the time. you will also need to surrender to the fact that you cannot absolutely watch over your husband all the time. yes, be alert on guard but also learn to accept that he will spend time away from you. you surrender to your husband and learn to trust again.

if you can do this, then do your best. sometimes it helps to talk to a professional or even a really trusted friend or family member. while your husband needs to absolutely triple his efforts to win you back, you need to process your own feelings so you can get back on track. good luck, i hope you do what is best for you!
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fastlove

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2014, 05:39:27 pm »
Paramdam mo  sa  asawa mo  na  demonyo ka rin  at  nasa impreno na kayo.. baka magising.. at  mag bago pero longshot  yan for sure.. otherwise.. umpisahan mo na annulment mo.

mildreese

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2014, 09:22:36 pm »
Hi Sis.

I do understand your situation but you have to forget na. Move on and make your marriage a happy one. Give your husband a chance to prove na nagbago na sya. And if he fails, then that's the time na give him a lesson. Yes it is also true na walang happily ever after.

Kaya mo yan Sis. Sayang [textspeak!] marriage. Sacred yan. But if it really doesn't work, then that's the time na mag-give up ka na.

Hope this can help. Goodluck!

cheekeypie

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2014, 10:26:18 am »
before anything else, you need to ask yourself how willing are you to move past the infidelity? people are able to survive extramarital affairs and come out stronger than before but it is a long and arduous task of forgiveness and surrender. forgiveness about what happened and learning to control yourself always. if you decide to take this route, you need to learn not to bring up the infidelity all the time. you will also need to surrender to the fact that you cannot absolutely watch over your husband all the time. yes, be alert on guard but also learn to accept that he will spend time away from you. you surrender to your husband and learn to trust again.

if you can do this, then do your best. sometimes it helps to talk to a professional or even a really trusted friend or family member. while your husband needs to absolutely triple his efforts to win you back, you need to process your own feelings so you can get back on track. good luck, i hope you do what is best for you!

Super Agree!!!

Sis, maipapayo ko lang sayo, move forward. Hindi ka magiging masaya kung babalikan mo lagi and baka yun din ang magtrigger na gawin nya yun ulit. Mukha namang open communication yata kayo pagdating sa part na yun at sinasabi naman nya lahat at inamin naman nya. Alam ko mahirap sa lalaki ang aminin yun, kaya feeling ko additional effort yun from him.

Give him a chance sis, everyone deserves a second chance.

Mahirap yan sis alam ko pero, isipin mo nalang mahal ang annulment kaya try to work out things hehehhe joke! Bukod sa mahal ang annulment its a very long process and maguungkatan kayo.

Isipin mo lahat ng magagandang bagay na nagawa nya for you at yung mga bagay na ginagawa nya for you para i-prove na he's worth your love and trust.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2014, 01:08:41 pm by cheekeypie »

hisana

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2014, 05:42:49 pm »
Why is the girl still calling him months after you two have already gotten married? I know she's malandi, pero kahit yung pinakamalanding babae sa balat ng lupa walang mapapala if a man is truly faithful to his gf/wife. So monitor mo na lang if wala na talaga.

I do agree that he really betrayed you by having a fling during the time you two were engaged na. He should have done all the "soul searching" BEFORE he proposed to you. Ako rin, had this happened to me, hindi ko rin sya papakasalan.

But well, andyan na yan. Married na kayo. Make the best of it na lang. Pwede rin naman nagbago na sya talaga. But make it clear to him na you will accept no excuses kung maulit pa ito. Baka kasi iniisip nya kasi na you forgave him dati, so baka you'll just keep on forgiving him again for mistakes like these.

Good luck!

daveigh

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2014, 06:10:52 pm »
Get real.  Live in the Now.  Do not destroy what you have now. There is no such thing as Perfect.

Agree. Hindi romance novels ang batayan ng love life mo. Sadyang lahat ng mag-asawa may haharapin na pagsubok. Eto na yung test ng marriage nyo. Papatalo ka ba dahil sa tapos nang issue nyong mag-asawa?
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kvan

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2014, 10:36:13 pm »
You can't move on if you keep on talking about the past. What do you really get from it? Nothing. Masisira lang ang inyong relationship. If he said, he's changed then just believe it. Dalawa lang naman ang choice mo. Either move on or not.
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glamorosa_09

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2014, 01:59:09 pm »
Hi sis, I understand, feeling mo nadaya ka... hindi ka dapat magpapakasal had you known na niloko ka while you were engaged, to think na this is the second time he cheated on you. Probably you feel that you should have not been in this miserable pit, had you known, had you known, had you known. Oh if you can only turn back time... it's possible that there might be a tinge of regret, but don't panic, it's not the end of the world.


Do not be hard on yourself, that's what you feel, and what you feel is normal given what you experienced on deception and betrayal, you have a right to those feelings. It only happened, last year or less than two years? Iba iba ang coping ng mga tao. It will be helpful if you learn to accept where you're currently are. I guess you better process whatever your emotions are by journaling, seeking counseling, praying etc, don't suppress it, don't deny it, but don't blurt it out too to him.

As for your marriage, like what others said, nandyan na yan. I don't know how are you gonna deal with it. But  you sound like you are capable of self-direction, given that there are many sound advices here, you'll be able to pick out what will be uself for you.

Additionally, if you want to ensure a joyful marriage, it would be helpful to seek out marriage counseling or attend marriage seminars so you both could learn couple and relationship skills. Make him work with you as a team. A joyful marriage is not something we leave out to chance, but it's something we deliberately work on.

caterpillar-girl

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2014, 03:05:08 pm »
^Nadaya is correct. Same as you, TS, I would not have married my husband had I known he cheated on me while we were engaged. That was vital information that he knowingly withheld from you, so in a sense you entered into a wrongful contract when you married him. It's not like you just discovered a random quirk about your husband. I think we're talking about a person's character, his value system here. Which admittedly you should have already questioned the first time he cheated on you. It would be as if I married my husband knowing that I can't conceive, even when I knew, even when he told me, he desperately wanted a family. I led him to believe in something that wasn't true, and put him in such a difficult, unfair place to decide what he ought to do with the truth.

But of course that's just me. I'm not very good with forgetting and forgiving. I'm especially bad at regaining respect for someone once its lost. Your husband seems like the type who can't ever make up his mind, who needs constant validation of his choices. Sometimes you just got to grow up, and like a mature adult, make a choice and commit to it. Commit wholeheartedly and with all your might.

But that goes for you also TS. I don't know if I would choose to stay. I don't think we should be forced to simply accept things, to swallow things as they are, "kasi nandyan na." There's always a choice. And since it looks like you've chosen to stay, then forgive him entirely, and never mention it again.  Commit to forgiving and forgetting and being the best wife you can possibly be. Allow him to prove himself to you. Make plans that you can happily look forward to so you don't keep dwelling on the past. Work on a goal, together. Whether it's a new house, or a big trip, whatever. I guess you can start by believing that you CAN still have a happy marriage, even knowing what you know now. If you can believe that, you can start working towards it. Good luck.
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jjo13

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2014, 03:27:58 pm »
OMG sis. This is a frustrating case of wanting to let go and wanting what's best for the marriage. Ako getting married pa lang, and si fiance has had (many) history of fling and hindi ko rin maintindihan yun. after he proposed, i think wala naman na or hindi ko lang siya nahuhuli. I think what's more important to ask yourself is willing ka ba to forgive? kasi kung forgiven na siya sis hindi mo na dapat iniisip or pinoproblema, kung forgiven na siya dapat move on ka na and then let him make bawi sayo. Of course magkakaroon ng doubts but set aside muna yan sis, love mo naman siya right? kaya mo siya pinakasalan, so it means kahit ano pa yan willing kang tanggapin because you love him. Mahirap nga lang i-prove at gawin, mas madali sabihin. but sis, Ikaw pinakasalan niya, ikaw pinili, ikaw yung mahal niya at gusto niya panindigan. Pray sis na talagang changed man na siya, na nagbago siya for you for the marriage.. pag pray lang natin na maging maliwanag sa kanya yun at pag pray mo rin na tanggalin na sa isip mo yung worry and doubt kasi pag kinain ka niyan baka puro away pa kayo :( Share ko sayo favorite line ko from some quote "people stay in love not only because of love, luck and kindnesses, part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness" :)

lepink

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2014, 05:25:13 pm »
Actually, medyo pareho tayo ng story and sobrang napaka hirap talaga na maka get-over sa ganyang situation. Napakadaling sabihin na mag move on pero in reality napaka hirap gawin non kasi palagi mo lang maaalala yung lies and betrayal. And believe me medyo matatagalan ka pa bago maka recover. Kasi ako hanggang ngayon nahihirapan pa din kasi hindi na nabuo yung tiwala ko sa kanya but i have to because we have a son. So, for me you have to give him an ultimatum. Bigyan mo siya ng chance ngayon because he's your husband pero pag inulit nya ulit yon then sorry but this is really goodbye or else paulit ulit na lang yan. And sana hanggat nagiintay ka na malaman mo kung ano talaga ang ugali nya at kung manloloko pa talaga siya wag ka muna sanang magpapregnant kasi if you do then you're trapped forever. It would be unfair for you and your children kasi alam niya na lahat na titiisin mo para sa mga anak mo. Ganon ka heartless ang mga guys. Ganon sila ka selfish.
Anyway sis i wish you'll find peace and love .   Be busy, surround yourself with other people. Palakihin mo ang mundo mo pra pag nagdecide ka ng umalis madali lang makalimutan sya at maka move on.

glamorosa_09

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2014, 09:36:26 pm »
@caterpillar-girl

yes sis, I agree with you. The two incidents of infidelity and the reason he gave for cheating the second time, which is

[quote =dollet] kaya daw niya ginawa yun para makasiguro siya sa decision niya na magpakasal. at natatakot siya na hinde na niya magagawa yun (pambabae) kapag kasal na kami. sabi niya wala lang daw sa kanya yun. part lang ng wedding jitters." [/quote]

are reflective of possible crookedness in the guy's belief system and character. The statement even presupposes na meron nang ginagawang pambabae. But then TS could give him the benefit of the doubt since he's doing his effort to win her now. Worst comes to worst, there is a possibility of repeated infidelities in the future given the pattern in the past. That's the time the TS could decide on what to do with her marriage. But that's the worst case scenario which hopefully won't happen. I'm saying this not to scare the TS, but to let her know of all the possibilities.

Yet at the end of my previous post, I wished to spark some hope, that they continue and commit to work together, and the guy would continuously and deliberately choose to be faithful despite temptations. There is hope naman for a happy marriage, kaya lang both of them should work it out, hindi isa lang. Otherwise, you can't play table tennis alone while your partner is unresponsive, it will get you drained and tired.

ava_girl

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2014, 08:54:29 am »
nakakalungkot. there are guys na talagang maloko.

My husband had done it many times. nadidiscover ko kaya tinitigil nya.
yung huli di ko napansin kaya nagtuloytuloy sya.

may nagsabi sakin minsan na "├Ânce a cheater always a cheater daw". nakakaiyak kasi nasa dugo na ata ng ibang lalaki ang kalandian. and the more na nakakalusot sya, uulit ulitin nya ulit

many times nagisip din ako na kung di na lang sana namin tinuloy ang kasal..

were 8 years married and he cheated also nung gf pa lang nya ako. May signs na kaso pumatol pa din ako :('

Pogi_Din

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Re: Help! A not so happily ever after...
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2014, 01:24:13 pm »
Get hi ATM Card (yun sweldo nya syo)
babae dapat naghahawak ng pera ng pamilya.
give him enough budget daily (parang student, may baon araw-araw)
ang guy kapag kulang sa budget di yan makakaporma sa chicks.
trust me, im a guy. di makapag-aya ng starbucks kasi wala budget.

 


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