Newly Weds - Interfering Parents

[sarah29]

Hi mga sis. I just need an advice.

I used to reside in California, but recently tied the knot here in Manila. Tiga dito ang husband ko. Prior to getting married, ang original plan was to bring him to the US. Nung kinasal na kame, and with proper counsel sa Pastor namin, na realize namin na its best para sa marriage and future children na magstay dito sa Philippines.

Ang problema, yung parents ko ayaw. Sobrang pushy nila at gusto ko pauwiin. Kahit daw tapusin ko lang yung citizenship ko. Which will take around 5-6months, and syempre minsan may mga discrepancies and tumatagal talaga yung process, sometimes up to a year. Aside pa dun, need namin ng hubby ko na magspend ng $1500 for my citizenship application, tsaka sa return ticket ko. Problema lang, yung pera na yun, pwede na namin gamitin para makapagstart na kame ng maayos dito sa Manila.

Hinde din kase namin makita yung use ng citizenship ko. Dahil wala kame plano na magkalayo pa ng matagal in the future. We both agreed na it's not good for our marriage na magkalayo nanaman kame. So kame ang priority namin right now is our marriage, and syempre yung future ng children namin, and mas gusto namin na palakihin dito.

So may question is how do I deal with my parents?

[Girltalker2]

^ Sis ang hirap nga ng situation mo. Not about just telling your parents, pero regarding your decision.  I think your parents are just thinking after your welfare.  Kapag citizen ka kasi sa US, you still have an option to live in Manila naman. At least may option ka.  Tama ba pagkaintindi ko na you want to give up your citizenship sa US? Baka ito ang hindi acceptable sa parents mo.

Ang daming tao kasi pinapangarap na maging US citizen, sayo naman andyan na ang opportunity, and yet tinatanggihan mo.  Is there a way na makuha mo parin yung citizenship mo sa US nang hindi kayo magkahiwalay?

Kung pera lang naman kasi ang problem US$1500, I am sure madali lang naman yun hiramin sa parents mo, lalo pa sila ang may gusto naman.  Pero I think ang concern mo kasi more of mahihiwalay sa asawa mo early in your marriage.  Baka puede ninyo isipin mabuti paano hubby mo makakasunod sayo or something while you wait for your citizenship there.

Yung pagpapalaki naman ng kids can follow eh, unless you are pregnant na now.  Pero if not yet, it can follow naman after a couple of years.

[bagaholic_chewy]

TS, I get your parents' point. Sayang nga naman yung citizenship. Tsaka ilang months lang naman yun. I think it's logical to sacrifice a few months para matapos US citizenship mo. After all, your husband and future children will benefit from it din naman. Having that citizenship will give you more options for the future.

As for money, $1500 is not that big of an amount kung tutuusin, sa magiging kapalit nya. As to LDR, sacrifice na lang kayo for a few months. You can have your husband visit you in the US while andun ka.

[sarah29]

Wala akong support na makukuha sa parents ko financially And I have some credit card debt and my husband is helping me pay for them. Kumbaga iniisip din namin kung practical, dahil honestly, di naman namin kailangan talaga. If ever naman in the future gusto ng mom ko na makapunta kame dun, she can petition us for a visit in the states. But it's definitely not in our plans. And wala talagang paraan na maka-alis ako with my husband. Zero. Wala din kameng marriage counsel and matinong church pag dating namin dun. So that raises a concern. But either way naman, my husband's and I's decision is final.

I do get why she wants me to move back. Mejo iffy lang ako sa part na sobrang interfering yung nangyayari. :/ So I don't know pano magddeal sa mother ko. Should I let her calm down muna bago makipagusap? Kase right now, hinde nya matanggap. Ayaw ko sana magkahind-waan kame ng parents ko sa decision namin, but of course as a married couple we do what believe is best for our family. Gusto ko sana maiwasan yun.. but I don't know kung possible ba? :/

[Priceless]

I am assuming that since you were able to live there without being a citizen (yet), you are a permanent resident/green card holder. How long will you be able to retain that (without actually living there) and what do you need to do to retain it? I think perhaps you can compromise with your parents na as long as you are able to keep your green card, then you need not pursue your citizenship for now.

Are you financially settled and comfortable na dyan sa Pilipinas? Kasi baka naman in a little while, after the honeymoon phase is over and the financial realities of marriage and living in the Phils kick in, baka it would be too late and the opportunities to have a better future for your husband and kids in the US will be lost. And by that time, you'd be too old na for your parents to help you out. I can tell you that one of the quickest ways to ruin relationships is dealing with money issues.

I believe your parents are just looking out for you. It's nice to be all in love and basking in everything that comes with the honeymoon phase, and perhaps they are just trying to make sure that you don't completely lose yourself (and any opportunities that you have) in the first few months of being married and in love. If you can prove to your parents that you have a "Plan B", a "Plan C", and other back up plans if things don't work out for you, then maybe they can relax a little bit. Mind you, parents will always be parents and I'd like to believe, only have your best interests at heart.

 

[mooncake and leaves]

^ i agree.

you can meet halfway naman with your parents. you don't need to apply for a citizenship now if you don't really want to. i believe you can stay outside the US for, technically, a year, before ka magka-problema. but it depends, sometimes. kami kasi before 6 months lang dami nang problema. which brings me to another point...

if you're a citizen, you don't need to go through all these hassles. you can stay outside for as long as you want. the trade off of these few to several months apart from your husband, no matter how much you don't like it, might be beneficial in the long run. para kasing you're shutting the door on a very good opportunity on the basis of what may be just a fleeting lack of interest. baka someday kasi gustuhin mo maging citizen and it's too late. or back to square one ka.

if you're qualified na to apply for a citizenship, that means you've done the dance. you've had 3 years of continuous residence and 5 yrs of being an immigrant. kung hindi ka magsi-citizen, para saan lahat ng hirap na yun? and hindi mo masisisi ang parents mo na magalit sila. it's not easy to file that petition. they too, had to endure years and all that hulabaloo of application just to bring you to the US and to secure your path to citizenship. ito na yung last step. alam mo yun? you're almost there. tapos saka ka aayaw. i don't think they want to interfere with you. they just don't want you to throw away all that hard work.

yeah it is your life. you're entitled to make your own decision. but for me, pag-isipan mo muna. and whatever you do, don't say to your parents na puwede ka naman nilang ipetition ulit to visit someday. baka lalong magalit. ibabalik nila sayo yan panigurado. sasabihin nila, "eh sure thing ka na nga dati eh tapos ngayon magpapapetition ka ulit? balik na naman sa hirap? gastos na naman?" and ikaw mismo, mahihiya ka to ask your parents to do that because uulit na naman sila ng pagod at gastos.

goodluck

[ri-anne]

Yeah i do agree with the other sisses here. Sayang ang opportunity, others dream of migrating to the US (among other countries) for a better life for their kids, etc...

However, TS and hubby already has decided na talaga na they want to settle sa pinas. The issue with TS now is how their decision will affect her parents and if there's a way maiwasan ang hidwaan.

Well sis, i'm sure sasama loob ng parents mo sa decision mong yan. Hindi mo maiiwasan yun. But they have to accept it. They can only suggest, advise, even if they have your best interest at heart,...but they cannot impose.
Pero as parents, i'm sure they will eventually come to terms with whatever you do. Ganun ang mga magulang.

[Girltalker2]

I do get why she wants me to move back. Mejo iffy lang ako sa part na sobrang interfering yung nangyayari. :/ So I don't know pano magddeal sa mother ko. Should I let her calm down muna bago makipagusap? Kase right now, hinde nya matanggap.

Sis, kahit sinong magulang, will have the same reaction.  Kahit sinong magulang, nagpakahirap ilipat ang pamilya sa US, tapos yung isang anak di man lang bigyan yun ng importansya eh para din naman sa future yun ng anak. It is normal naman na hindi iyan matanggap ng isang magulang na naghirap magmigrate at makaalis sa Pinas, only to find out, dun din ang balik ng anak nila.

Ayaw ko sana magkahind-waan kame ng parents ko sa decision namin, but of course as a married couple we do what believe is best for our family. Gusto ko sana maiwasan yun.. but I don't know kung possible ba? :/

Sis, sa pagkakasabi mo kasi decided ka na, at wala kang pakialam kung ano pa ang sabihin ng parents mo. Ang dating talaga eh di malayo magkaron ng tampo sayo ang parents mo. Sa pananalita mo kasi parang alam mo na ang lahat, ang asawa mo at ikaw lang ang mahalaga sa buhay mo at wala nang iba.

Understandable naman you want the best for your family. Pero di mo ba naisip na your parents also wanted the best for you?



Sometimes kasi settled na tayo sa mga plans natin. Pero bata ka pa sis, kakakasal mo pa lang. Di natin masabi ang panahon.  You can talk that way siguro kung 60 yo ka na at maikli nalang ang future years mo. Pero ito, you have a long long life ahead of you pa.  What if by any chance magkagera sa Pinas with China, kunwari lang. San kayo pupulutin? Di ba mas maganda rin naman may option.  Oo medyo exag ang example ko, pero what if nga.  Eh iyan citizenship mo, konti nalang bubunuin mo. Kaya mabuti nang maayos mo.

Another example, nung newly married ako, I was also so sure about myself. Yun pala, nagkaron ng babae ang asawa ko.  Ni hindi ko alam san ako susuot.  Of course I am not saying mangyayari iyan sayo, but by any chance if something happened na wala sa plans mo, may backup plan ka. That's how life is, we try to "insure" ourselves sa mga potential risks we can be facing.  Some akala natin remote, pero they can happen.

 

[sarah29]

Like what ri-anne said, decided na po kame ng hubby ko. I appreciate the concern and advices, but since day 1 ng kasal namin, pinagisipan na namin to. We have talked to people, and asked for the right counsel, and eto na nga kinabagsakan. Marami kame reasons ba't eto napili namin, some deeper reasons na I can't say. And yes financially stable ang husband ko. Also, kung may gera man po mga sis, hinde ko naman iiwan asawa ko dito na magisa? Since ako lang naman ang citizen, if ever.

And hinde po ako magassk na e-petition ng parents ko. Never naman din ako nanghingi something that big from them. Hinde ko naman din ugali yun. Since 19 ako, hinde na ako nakakareceive ng financial support from my parents.

Ang problem ko po ngayon is how to deal with my parents. I am grieving, too with them. Especially now na hinde na daw nila ako kakausapin. Sa ngayon, hinde ko alam kung pano kame magkakausap or at least be civil lang to each other. I'm sure some of you guys have experiences na may ginawa kayong desisyon na hinde agree ang magulang. It will be nice to hear some insights..

[mommycute46]

^Oh dear, you're still in the honeymoon stage to realize the points of everyone here. I just hope you'll not give up your citizenship too soon.

I'm afraid to say that this will be an unending issue between you and your parents.

[j.adore]

Sobrang sayang opportunity.. I hope this decision works out for you!

Impossible yung maging Ok kayo at this point kasi you already chose to disregard your parents.

I suggest you suck it up until such time they forgive you and your husband (yes, negative points yan sa kanya and parents never ever forget). It could take time depending on your family dynamics and also their age kasi usually matampuhin ang oldies.

[imbisibol_]

I used to reside in California, but recently tied the knot here in Manila. Tiga dito ang husband ko. Prior to getting married, ang original plan was to bring him to the US.

if you just recently got married, and prior to that had the original plan of staying in the US, then i must say your plans drastically and dramatically changed in a very short period of time.

Nung kinasal na kame, and with proper counsel sa Pastor namin, na realize namin na its best para sa marriage and future children na magstay dito sa Philippines.

based on the above then, it seems your plans changed mostly upon the advice of your pastor.  note though, that a spiritual advisor will advise just on that- religious matters concerning marriage and keeping the family unit together.  not that they are blind, but they will not put practicality, financial well-being, and future planning at the forefront.  these are things your parents will better have the foresight and experience to advise you on.  strike a good balance between the two.

Kahit daw tapusin ko lang yung citizenship ko. Which will take around 5-6months, and syempre minsan may mga discrepancies and tumatagal talaga yung process, sometimes up to a year. Aside pa dun, need namin ng hubby ko na magspend ng $1500 for my citizenship application, tsaka sa return ticket ko. Problema lang, yung pera na yun, pwede na namin gamitin para makapagstart na kame ng maayos dito sa Manila.

"for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

if you can look at death straight in the face and say that is the only thing that can break apart your marriage, why so scared about a several months-long separation?  do you think so lowly of the strength of your marriage ties that it cannot survive even that?  do you think of your vows so brittle as that?

and forget about the expenses.  you can get a job in the US while waiting for your citizenship.  even if you work for only $0.78/hr, you will break even with that $1500 in 12 months (minimum wage in CA is currently $9/hr). 

Hinde din kase namin makita yung use ng citizenship ko. So kame ang priority namin right now is our marriage, and syempre yung future ng children namin, and mas gusto namin na palakihin dito.

may i ask how old you and your husband are?  the number one cause of marriage issues is money.  a US citizenship is an extra safety net for all the "just-in-cases" life will always inevitably throw at us.  pursuing that shows great prudence for yours, your husband's, and your future children's futures.

So may question is how do I deal with my parents?

you don't.  there's no middle ground with this.  i guess until you become a parent yourself, get several more years worth of life experience, and have the magical veil of being a newly-wed fade a little, you will not see eye to eye with your parents.  if that really is your decision, live with the great possibility that you will be lost to your parents.

[langley]

Ephesians 5:31
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."


Maybe you can tell your parents that they honor you and your husband's decision. That you and your husband believe that this decision is the best for you, your husband and your future family. And please say that they respect that decision. Ngayon kung ayaw hayaan mo na lang ang parents mo. Maybe as time goes by matatangap din nila ang decision mo. And pray for them. And please remember you cannot please everyone, even your parents.

Actually hanga ako sa'yo. Hindi madaling hindi pagbigyan ang magulang, pero sa paniniwala ko kasi pag may asawa ka na dapat mas unahin mo muna ang husband mo at ang future family mo at sana lang maintindihan ng parents mo yun.

I think that is what the Bible says as "leaving and cleaving". You leave your parents, you cleave to your spouse.

I believe that you are a Christian. And as a Christian you are secured in Christ whatever happens in the future. Hindi ka pababayaan ni Lord. Kaya don't worry about the future.

[smoothie]

Yes, Hanga din ako sa iyo sis. Ganun talaga may mga times na hindi natin maiiwasan na magtampo sa atin ang parents natin because of our choice.

Pero, kung sa pagiging practical, I will grab the opportunity. Tutal 6 months lang naman na ang hihintayin mo. And tama nga yung isang sis natin, pwede mo ito magamit sa mga "just in case" situations. Let's admit it, being a US citizen has it's perks.

[Girltalker2]

Ang problem ko po ngayon is how to deal with my parents. I am grieving, too with them. Especially now na hinde na daw nila ako kakausapin. Sa ngayon, hinde ko alam kung pano kame magkakausap or at least be civil lang to each other. I'm sure some of you guys have experiences na may ginawa kayong desisyon na hinde agree ang magulang. It will be nice to hear some insights..

I guess tama sila. Just deal with it. Natural lang sa parents mo sumama ang loob.  But then, naniniwala pa rin ako di karin siguro nila matitiis. So all you have to do is wait nalang and say sorry again and again hanggang sa lumambot ang puso nila. 

based on the above then, it seems your plans changed mostly upon the advice of your pastor.  note though, that a spiritual advisor will advise just on that- religious matters concerning marriage and keeping the family unit together.  not that they are blind, but they will not put practicality, financial well-being, and future planning at the forefront.  these are things your parents will better have the foresight and experience to advise you on.  strike a good balance between the two.

True.  Sometimes nga ang pastor kapag nagbigay ng advise, they will always think of the congregation's interest first. not yours. At naniniwala ako, it is the pastor's interest for the newlywed couple to stay put here for good, para mas maraming donations. 

if you can look at death straight in the face and say that is the only thing that can break apart your marriage, why so scared about a several months-long separation?  do you think so lowly of the strength of your marriage ties that it cannot survive even that?  do you think of your vows so brittle as that?

Actually sis, may point ka nga.  With the situation, parang tinalikuran narin ni TS ang parents nya all for her hubby.  Pero in return, parang kulang ang 'trust' na mawalay for 5-6 months from the spouse may be a cause of concern.  5-6 months is nothing for a lifetime of marriage.  Magkakasama naman kayo for a long time, that is, if you believe this. So ano lang ba ang 5-6 months dun?


Sorry TS ha, tama sila, parang napaka petty nga nitong 5-6 months and $1500 to weigh against a life changing decision na hindi makausap ang parents mo at mawala totally yung citizenship.

I appreciate the concern and advices, but since day 1 ng kasal namin, pinagisipan na namin to.

Tama din si sis imbisibol, it took your parents almost a lifetime to migrate in the US, kayo 1 day lang pinag isipan ang decision ninyo.  Kaya siguro kami being third parties to all this, hindi namin ma appreciate that you are thinking objectively about this.

We have talked to people, and asked for the right counsel, and eto na nga kinabagsakan.

And I guess hindi kasama sa "right counsel" ang parents mo?

Kumbaga iniisip din namin kung practical, dahil honestly, di naman namin kailangan talaga. If ever naman in the future gusto ng mom ko na makapunta kame dun, she can petition us for a visit in the states. But it's definitely not in our plans. And wala talagang paraan na maka-alis ako with my husband. Zero. Wala din kameng marriage counsel and matinong church pag dating namin dun. So that raises a concern. But either way naman, my husband's and I's decision is final.

TS, I would also assume na you are still in your 20s.  If you try asking around, people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, how they have lived their life, I bet that most of them will tell you that their life has played out in a way that was NEVER IN THEIR PLANS.

I used to reside in California, but recently tied the knot here in Manila. Tiga dito ang husband ko. Prior to getting married, ang original plan was to bring him to the US. Nung kinasal na kame, and with proper counsel sa Pastor namin, na realize namin na its best para sa marriage and future children na magstay dito sa Philippines.

I bet everyone was really excited about the wedding. Do you think your parents could have let you marry your husband had they known na di ka na babalik sa US? 

Your parents expected both of you to go back.  Imagine the heartache you have caused.  Lahat expected babalik ka. Kaso pagkatapos ng kasal, biglang nag iba ang ihip ng hangin.
Pero since decided nga kayo na hindi na kayo babalik from the moment na kinasal kayo, ano ba naman yung citizenship nalang asikasuhin. I still think nasa lugar parin ang parents mo at medyo hindi tama ang decision ninyong magasawa.  At least based lang sa nakwento mo lang dito. 

Dalawa ang expectations ng parents mo, babalik kayo sa US, dun magpapamilya.  And then suddenly hindi. Itong you guys staying put in Pinas kesa sa US tingin ko ma-accept pa ng parents mo eh. Pero yun ibalewala yung citizenship mo, grabe na yun.  I guess citizens narin ang parents mo.  So lumalabas talaga from their pov na gumagawa ka ng maraming reasons at paraan para hindi mo sila i-consider at hindi mo na maugnay ang buhay mo with them. 



 

[nicoletta]

Hindi naman interfering your parents mo, and it seems that you have made your decision narin naman.  Question lang naman is hindi ba to makakatulong sayo next time for work, baka kasi nurse ka or something.

There are many opportunities kasi abroad, unless your husband has a business here and you don't really have any need to work abroad.  Sister in law ko nga may business na dito na malaki, and she is still working on her immigration in Canada.  This is coming from a family that already owns real estate properties and restaurants.  Just saying you might regret this later on just because you are very much in love, being newly married and all.

[imbisibol_]

TS, this has nothing to do with cleaving to your husband.  no one is making you choose between your parents and your husband.  EXACTLY WHAT will your parents get if you pursue citizenship?  do they stand to profit from that?  will their coffers increase when you get that blue passport?

now what will the other players in your story get if you stay put?  it's very blunt, but be honest- will  or will the spiritual advisor not benefit from your tithing?  then in your husband, i see a man (rightly so) exercising his power over  his wife who his religion (probably rightly so again) teaches should be submissive to him. 

were i faced with a similar situation, i will give more credence to the advice of people who stand to benefit NOTHING from it.

i do not know you, i do not know your situation, but based on what's been shared so far, you are not only being naive- you are also being irresponsible. 

[books_mags]

TS, you need to think a bit more about your situation.  Para kasing you are still too in love and wala kang paki sa sasabihin ng lahat basta magkasama kayo ng hubby mo. 

If I were in your position, I would get my citizenship.  I can easily make up a list of pros against the cons you mentioned.

Aside from all the good reasons that people are pointing out here, I want you to think about the future.

What if your husband leaves you?  Ngayon in love na in love kayo and hopefully it stays that way, but just like your decision, thing can easily change.  Pag iniwan ka niya, you won't even have your family to comfort you and you will be stuck here.

Don't think na pwede ka pang mag apply in the future.  It's not that simple, the older you get, the more hoops you will need to go through.  Hindi naghahanap ng liability ang US. They accept people there because they expect you to contribute to their government.  Meaning, you need to work, pay taxes and they will provide pension for you when you grow old.  Hindi naman pwedeng mag shortcut at pension lang ang hahabulin mo next time.

Your parents will most likely grow old, get sick, and die there.  Sorry I don't want to be morbid but it is a fact of life.  I've known many people who begged, cried, and did everything they could just to get a visa to visit a dead family member and they still didn't get one.  If you give up on this now, how sure are you that you can get a tourist visa next time to visit your parents when they get sick?  Even if you can get one, it will take time.  Walang pakialam ang embassy na nasa deathbed na ang family member mo.  Kahit gusto mo umalis bukas at wala kang visa, wala kang magagawa.

[khriseeee]

Think of it from the perspective of your parents, I'm sure they invested a lot of time and money in your petition. It's very immature of you to say that you did not ask your parents to process your petition, they are thinking of your future and offering alternative opportunities to you. 1 year is not that long to wait and it will give you and your future family an option in the future.

My mom was in the exact same situation, she had 1 year to go before she would receive her citizenship but my dad decided to move us all home. At that time she pleaded with him to let her stay behind for just 1 year so she could get her citizenship but my dad refused. To this day she regrets it. Also, it will forever remain on your record, my mom is always asked at immigration why she gave up her green card.

If you really are ready for marriage, think about your future, what you can setup now for the kids you will have, you will then realize the sacrifices your parents have made to better your future.