Your husband cheated. What made him do it?

[mooncake and leaves]

sis, the thing is you can apply your acceptance of randomness and uncertainty of life  to something else but never to your husband because guess what, you are actually doubting him if you do that. you don't trust him. you can apply this acceptance to death, accidents, calamity because it happens to everyone. but not all women are being cheated on. why? because these women know their worth and they are performing their duties as a good wife.

actually, not everyone goes through calamities and accidents. there are people out there who have never been through that. and it's not just these things. some people have never and will never experience poverty; on the flip side, some people will never experience what it means to be wealthy. some people will never get married. some people will die as virgins. some people will never have children there are even people who were born without faces. these are just a few of the many, many possibilities in life. infidelity in a marriage/relationship is one of these possibilities. acknowledging that this is something that CAN happen rather than something you can control or predict isn't an issue about trust. it's just a matter of being realistic. it's just a matter of accepting life's unpredictability.

if there are women out there who are living by the same principles like mine, then why can't other women do it? because they're too proud. they don't want to humble themselves. they're afraid without knowing that the fear they have and the other traits I mentioned is what prevents them from being an empowered woman. my way of being a good wife has become non-standard because women in the new age have stopped doing the standards. marriages 50 years ago were so much better than marriages today.

i don't know where you got the idea that marriages were better before because it's not like you lived in that period. also, for a long time, marriages weren't even about love. in so many parts of the world, to this day, women have no say in who they marry. and this is just the many reasons i am deeply concerned that your default answer in this thread and all the other threads you've participated in is that it is the woman's fault. it doesn't even matter what role they play in any scenario-- breadwinner, faithful wife, cheating wife, mistress- kasalanan lagi ng babae. does that really make sense?

i'm gonna be brutally frank with you-- i don't think there's any humility in saying that other women don't know what they are doing and that you are better than other wives. your way works RIGHT NOW because your husband is your husband. had he been a different person, you'd probably be singing a different tune because every couple is different.

as far as I can remember, I did not say that (all) women who have been cheated on pushed their husbands to do it kasi depende sa rason ni husband yan. you have a point. marriage is also about acceptance. so why can't some wives accept their husband's shortcomings? kapag minsan bugnutin ang mister nya, magiging bugnutin din sya. kapag kulang ang sahod, katakot-takot na insulto ang inaabot ni mister. kapag hindi tumutulong si mister sa gawaing bahay, bunganga ang pinaiiral.
men marry the woman they love because he liked the traits he has seen in her. he will accept if you become fat, if you have pimples on your face because of hormonal imbalance or pregnancy, he will accept that you will soon have wrinkles on your face but the moment you make his life a living hell, all hell will break lose as well. that's not what he signed up for. he signed up for a loving, caring and understanding woman whom he married and given his vows to. once you show him these undesirable traits, he no longer sees that woman he loved, the woman he adored. to him, you are just a green-eyed monster ready to eat him alive.

imo, when you know the reasons why a man cheats, you will certainly know how to control the cheating and his behavior because you would know what he needs and the things that he can get from other women. I know too many empowered women who have performed their wifely duties to their husbands with flying colors and they lived harmoniously,grew old with their husbands and died happy. and those women who thinks that all men are unfaithful and will only end up cheating despite of the things they do, they are actually the ones who are now separated, married twice maybe more, and living with her husband only for the kids.

i don't remember where i got this but in the US there was a study made about cheating. they found that i don't know, 40-75% of married people cheat. 60% of these cheaters are men. and this is a conservative number because so many people who cheat are never caught. so many of them never admitted to it.

you know what they found was the biggest reason of cheating? sex. good, old-fashioned sex. people are just plain unhappy with monogamy and they'd really rather have sex with a bunch of other people. and it doesn't matter that they have loving, happy relationships or i don't know, fireworks came out of their spouses' genitalia or they juggle in bed-- people crave the novelty of being with a different person every single time they have sex. and that is something that no matter how Stepford-wifey you are, you can never give to anyone.

i agree that there are horrible wives out there and that they are responsible for their marriages and they should answer for the horrible things they do to their spouses. but the cheater alone is responsible for her/his infidelity especially when you consider the fact that a lot of cheaters are not unhappy at home. they just like to screw around. maybe that scares you. but i gotta say--saying that that for every good thing you do, you can expect some wonderful little outcome from it because men are just buckets of happiness -- that doesn't sound like a chillax approach to marriage. in fact, it sounds like the very opposite of it. and saying that men are like kids or if i may be blunt, they are more like pets from your argument, it doesn't paint a very good picture of the kind of relationship we can all aspire to. i don't think that's a strong marriage when only one person is always doing the work. i think a good marriage is when couples survive the curveballs. when it's imperfect but it stays afloat. when husbands and wives treat each other like equals. when wives recognize that they are married to men who can be held accountable for their actions and not some child you have to be bribe. something like that.

[langley]

. when husbands and wives treat each other like equals.

What exactly do you mean when you said that husband and wife should be treated as equals?

Equals? you mean husband can be a wife, and wife can be a husband?
you mean because we are equals we can now be treated like a man?

I don't want to be treated like a man, I only want to be treated like a woman.
And I will never ever treat my man like a woman too.

In my marriage I know my place. It's not equal to my husband.
My husband is the leader and I'm the follower.
He is the president and I'm the Vice president
He treats me like a woman, I treat him like a man.
I do my wifely duties. He do his husband duties.
Most importantly there is order in my family. Everyone, including my kid knows their place.

[miminibebe]

If a husband cheated, that's his choice.  Just because nagkakaron ng problema sa relasyon ng mag-asawa, isa na sa dapat nilang gawin eh mambabae.  Walang perfect na tao, therefore, walang perfect na relationship.  Bottom line is, there are no good reasons for cheating, excuses madami.

[Project60]

bravo sis mooncake and leaves! clap clap! very well said

[hisana]

^
Agree.

What's the defense for men who admitted that they are in happy marriages and would not leave their wives for anything, but went ahead with an affair anyway because there was an opportunity with a younger and more attractive woman, or they were bored at the time and wanted to try something new, or it's what their friends were doing? I've seen this happen a lot, and I've read about it before. Surely these are too shallow reasons to cheat and cannot be blamed on anyone else but the husbands themselves.

It takes two to tango. It's not only the wife's duty to stand by her man and treat him right, but also the husband's duty to honor their marriage and treat his wife with respect. None of this sleeping around with other women for whatever reason. This is simply them scratching their itch, getting away with having sex with another person. It's not a f*****g cry for help.

[Girltalker2]

Give a man space and he is yours forever. (By space means not controlling him)

Just do your wifely duties.

Now you're doing your wifely duties and he still cheats that is his fault. He is human after all.

Forgive him.

Then continue doing your wifely duties.

Always remember nakikita ni Lord at si Lord lang ang may kontrol ng lahat.

Pray without ceasing.

At hayaan mo na si Lord ang gumanti sa'yo.

Then just continue doing your wifely duties.

This can probably work for some, but not all. Some baka masiraan pa ng ulo in th end if they cannot cope with their husband's philandering ways. Some mas mataas ang threshold ng pagtitiis and therefore will just plainly be in agony for the rest of their lives. While there could be some naman na nagwork ito kasi totoong naging sorry ang lalaki.

But for some, this may not work at all.

if there are women out there who are living by the same principles like mine, then why can't other women do it? because they're too proud. they don't want to humble themselves. they're afraid without knowing that the fear they have and the other traits I mentioned is what prevents them from being an empowered woman. my way of being a good wife has become non-standard because women in the new age have stopped doing the standards. marriages 50 years ago were so much better than marriages today.

I don't think other women cannot do it. It is just that some women prefer NOT to do it. They are just not that way. Iba iba ang personalities natin. sO hindi puede isa lang ang puede maging ugali ng perfect wife para magkaron ng perfect marriage.

Your principles is as good as your experience. so mabuti ang asawa mo, you can take all the credit right now kasi maayos ang marriage mo. Puede mo buhatin ang lahat ng bangko para sabihin you have been a very good wife, kaya marriage mo ang very successful sa lahat ng marriages at dapat tularan ng lahat.

But hindi kasi natin masabi ang panahon. Once something happens, I am not sure if you will still have the same principle.

imo, when you know the reasons why a man cheats, you will certainly know how to control the cheating and his behavior because you would know what he needs and the things that he can get from other women. I know too many empowered women who have performed their wifely duties to their husbands with flying colors and they lived harmoniously,grew old with their husbands and died happy. and those women who thinks that all men are unfaithful and will only end up cheating despite of the things they do, they are actually the ones who are now separated, married twice maybe more, and living with her husband only for the kids.

Tingin ko naman couples are happy and grow old together dahil sa kanilang dalawa.  Hindi lang dahil yung babae ang gumagawa ng magagandang wifely duties nya.  Kasi si husband ganun din naman magreturn ng favor. 2 sila compatible at may respect sa isa't isa.

and those women who thinks that all men are unfaithful and will only end up cheating despite of the things they do, they are actually the ones who are now separated, married twice maybe more, and living with her husband only for the kids.

You really have to recognize sis that there are people who are separated, married several times, not because they think men are unfaithful. They simply cannot make the marriage work - either hindi sila compatible ng asawa nya, or may pagkukulang ang asawa nya or SYA. pero it is not all the time na yung babae ang may pagkukulang.

@miminibebe, alam mo ba kung baket nagiging 'nagger' si mister? Anong nag-provoke sa kanya? Eh si misis baket sya nagiging nagger? Ang gusto ko kasing sabihin, si lalake magsasalita yan kung talagang hindi nya kinakaya yung ugali ni misis. Minsan, he's just lashing back. Yung rason kung bakit si lalake eh nagdadakdak eh iba sa rason ni misis.

Parang double standard ata. Nagiging nagger si mister dahil prinovoke sya ng wife. Ok.
Pero pag wife ang nagger, kasalanan ng wife?

Can you give examples of changes in a man's attitude? Kase pwedeng nagbago ang ugali nya dahil sa asawa nya or dahil sa ibang external factors like stress sa trabaho or illness. Kung si misis nangaliwa dahil malaki na ang tyan ni mister at hindi na makapag-perform ng maayos sa kama, aba eh hindi nya talaga mahal ang mister nya. Jan mo na pwedeng ipasok ang vow na "for better or for worse".

Isa pa ito.  Kapag ang wife nangaliwa, hindi mo talaga mahal ang asawa mo.
Pero pag husband ang nangaliwa, puedeng mahal ka pa nya kasi hindi ka naman nya iniwan? 

These are all generalizations which may not be always true.

Babae din naman ako and I know how how it feels to be cheated on.ang sinasabi ko lang, posibleng sila ang nagtulak sa mga partners nila para mangaliwa. 

So when you were cheated on, do you honestly believe na ikaw ba talaga may kasalanan kaya nangaliwa ang partner mo?

i'm gonna be brutally frank with you-- i don't think there's any humility in saying that other women don't know what they are doing and that you are better than other wives. your way works RIGHT NOW because your husband is your husband. had he been a different person, you'd probably be singing a different tune because every couple is different.

This I definitely agree. 

What exactly do you mean when you said that husband and wife should be treated as equals?

Equals? you mean husband can be a wife, and wife can be a husband?
you mean because we are equals we can now be treated like a man?

I don't want to be treated like a man, I only want to be treated like a woman.
And I will never ever treat my man like a woman too.

In my marriage I know my place. It's not equal to my husband.
My husband is the leader and I'm the follower.
He is the president and I'm the Vice president
He treats me like a woman, I treat him like a man.
I do my wifely duties. He do his husband duties.
Most importantly there is order in my family. Everyone, including my kid knows their place.

Sis Langley, in your marriage, it works that way. But there are just some women who have stronger personalities and nagkataon ang asawa nila not as strong, and they are in a happy relationship as well.  What works for you may not work for others or what has worked for others puedeng hindi applicable sayo. Nasa pagsasama iyan at compatibility ng dalawang tao. How they adjust with each other, etc.

^
Agree.

What's the defense for men who admitted that they are in happy marriages and would not leave their wives for anything, but went ahead with an affair anyway because there was an opportunity with a younger and more attractive woman, or they were bored at the time and wanted to try something new, or it's what their friends were doing? I've seen this happen a lot, and I've read about it before. Surely these are too shallow reasons to cheat and cannot be blamed on anyone else but the husbands themselves.

It takes two to tango. It's not only the wife's duty to stand by her man and treat him right, but also the husband's duty to honor their marriage and treat his wife with respect. None of this sleeping around with other women for whatever reason. This is simply them scratching their itch, getting away with having sex with another person. It's not a f*****g cry for help.

Sis hisana, right on!  Isa ka rin sa mga may sense mag post. Like! 

[simang]

Isa pa ito.  Kapag ang wife nangaliwa, hindi mo talaga mahal ang asawa mo.
Pero pag husband ang nangaliwa, puedeng mahal ka pa nya kasi hindi ka naman nya iniwan? 

Eto din question ko.. but come to think of it, iba kase talaga ang views ng babae at lalaki sa marriage. A woman will most likely never cheat unless gusto nyang saktan deliberately ang husband nya emotionally, and that will happen kung talagang sinusuka na nya ang asawa nya at di na nya mahal. Pero ang mga lalaki, they don't overanalyze things eh, they'd cheat dahil may opportunity, they are mostly in the moment and hindi nila iniisip yung future repercussion ng act na yun. In their minds and hearts, it's not really about consciously hurting their wives emotionally. It's just that my chance, and they grabbed it, ganun lang. And then saka na sila iisip ng paraan to get away with it. Double standard kung double standard, pero that's how it is eh, men and women are wired differently.

What exactly do you mean when you said that husband and wife should be treated as equals?

Equals? you mean husband can be a wife, and wife can be a husband?
you mean because we are equals we can now be treated like a man?

I don't want to be treated like a man, I only want to be treated like a woman.
And I will never ever treat my man like a woman too.

In my marriage I know my place. It's not equal to my husband.
My husband is the leader and I'm the follower.
He is the president and I'm the Vice president
He treats me like a woman, I treat him like a man.
I do my wifely duties. He do his husband duties.
Most importantly there is order in my family. Everyone, including my kid knows their place.

Masyadong strong na ang feminism in today's time kaya not a lot of women would agree with sis langley. Personally, I want to be treated as equal by my partner, in the sense that I am an integral part of the relationship as he is. But like sis langley, i know my place. I am the woman in the relationship, and I have to be that all throughout. I don't want to be treated like I'm the man, and i will never ever make my partner feel less of a man, kase feeling ko dyan nagsisimula ang mas malaking problema. A simple example, if my partner offers to treat me for dinner, I'd let him. I won't offer that we share, kase I know that as a man, it will make him feel good na he has done something manly to me. At the same time, I will feel more feminine kase he has done something manly to me, and who doesn't want that, right? Syempre that example is very shallow, but in my head, that's how I want my relationship to be (and that's how it is now). He be the man, and I be the woman. We're both integral parts of the relationship so no one should feel less. And most of the time, men who cheat feel more manly with their mistresses, kaya sila nageenjoy.

I appreciate feminism and as an independent single woman I think I'm living it, pero thinking about how modern women are -- we have stronger personalities, we're financially and professionally successful, we're so out there. Comparing us to modern men, definitely sila ngayon yung parang nadegrade yung status. Sa bahay, for example, let's say ang role nila is magpalit ng bumbilya, They feel manly when they do that. Pero sa modern families, because the woman can already replace the bulbs, they feel, uh, quite useless. And heck, they even see their wives as less feminine when they do that kase gawaing lalaki yun eh. Imagine the life of an emasculated husband, with a wife who's not entirely feminine. It will definitely damage his character, and from there commences other damaging decisions. Of course the bulbs can be a metaphor for anything.

We're not supposed to throw blames here (I supposed), so it's kinda useless to discuss how it's the wife's fault that his husband cheats. But I guess the point of all the discussion is how can we at least minimize the chances of our partners cheating. Tama kayo, no marriage (or any other relationship for that matter) is cheat proof. It may happen, it may not, and cheating not happening in a marriage is not about pleasing the husband all the time para hindi sya magcheat, but it's more of bringing out the best in him as a man. It's not even about controlling or manipulating him, but treating him like a good man so he acts like one.

[maiandra]

What exactly do you mean when you said that husband and wife should be treated as equals?

Equals? you mean husband can be a wife, and wife can be a husband?
you mean because we are equals we can now be treated like a man?

I don't want to be treated like a man, I only want to be treated like a woman.
And I will never ever treat my man like a woman too.

In my marriage I know my place. It's not equal to my husband.
My husband is the leader and I'm the follower.
He is the president and I'm the Vice president
He treats me like a woman, I treat him like a man.
I do my wifely duties. He do his husband duties.
Most importantly there is order in my family. Everyone, including my kid knows their place.

Sis Langley, what sis mooncake and leaves means is when husband and wives are equal is that they submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21), not just the wife. The husband should also submit to the wife's needs as Christ did for the church. It does not mean that a husband just tells the wife what to do. Marriage that works best have equal partners with differing roles. Decisions are made mutually, and the husband would not make a decision that would hurt his wife.

A free person is the only one who can submit (Free meaning not forced or napipilitan lang.) A person uses her freedom to give, sacrifice and love whether u are the husband or the wife. If you do that, submission will never be an issue.

[Priceless]

Human beings, regardless of gender, are complex beings. We can't say what pleases or satisfies one will satisfy another. By the same token, what provokes one to do something (whether right or wrong) may not trigger the same behaviour from another person. I think cliche masyado and very simplistic ang thinking na pag nagnanag ka, pag di mo inaayos ang itsura mo, pabaya ka sa responsibilities mo as a partner - whether it be earning your keep or putting in the effort in childcare/homecare/etc etc, it will drive the other partner to cheat. At the end of the day, whatever the reason is, if it were so easy to list out all the reasons at naka-formula kung paano ma-resolve or prevent yun, matagal na sanang na-wipe out ang cheating/cheaters sa universe at walang broken marriages/families.

One aspect, IMO, is that there are some situations/people/relationships that are clearly a no go from the start. Yun bang with a completely rational mind, you wouldn't or shouldn't go near/touch it/them with a ten foot pole dahil at the back of your mind, alam mong walang pararatnan ang situation/people/relationship na yun from the start. Pero sometimes people still take a risk anyway, hoping for the best, ipinipilit ang relationship, situation, etc, forsaking everything for the name of lust, love, "face", kahihiyan, ego or kesyo dahil madami nang "emotional investment", but in the end, if it all goes awry, will they be actually honest enough to say, "I took the risk, and I lost the gamble" and be brave enough to pick themselves up and walk away without lashing out and causing further destruction to themselves/others?

[ankyneMD]

sarap magbasa dito. dami ko natutunan.

[nathanielle]

for me, I can forgive once. first instance could be a mistake. the second time it happens, it's already a choice. while I strongly believe that the success or failure of marriage lies on the hands of a woman, I also believe that no man can deeply love a woman who allows him to mistreat her or use her as a door mat. magkaiba ang pagiging maging mabuting asawa sa pagiging t@nga.

But what do you call someone who repeatedly forgives a chronic cheater? Someone who chooses to just turn a blind eye and continue doing her wifely duties despite knowing what she knows? Hindi ba doormat? Hindi ba yun katangahan rin? Your words, not mine.

it's a good thing you're able to do your wifely duties with that doubt that your husband will still cheat on you. my husband cheated with me and it only lasted for a month or so. good thing wala pang nangyayare sa amin noon at yun ang advantage ko. walang time yung ex gf nya sa kanya so parang ako ang naging confidant nya. nakipaghiwalay din ako sa kanya kasi I've experienced being cheated on and I know how it feels. after we broke up, he talked to his ex gf and they decided to part ways. wala pang 1 month, kinasal na si babae. turns out una palang nagloko yung ex gf ni hubby.

pero kahit nagsimula kame sa ganun, never kong inisip na kakaliwain ako ng asawa ko. kasi if I have doubts in my head, it will affect my wifely duties. lagi akong magta-tamang hinala at magseselos nang walang katuturan. kaunting selos pwede siguro, cute tingnan pero pag sobra, hindi nakakatuwa para sa lalake. paghihigpitan ko sya at kakalikutin ko yung phone nya to check kung may ka-text syang iba. worse is lalagyan ko ng tracker ang phone nya para alam ko kung saan sya nagpupupunta. pathetic moves di ba? so I say, release all your doubts kasi if you keep on thinking that your husband will still cheat on you despite of all the wifely duties you do for him, he will most likely cheat on you.

There's a monumental difference between WILL cheat and CAN cheat. I went into the marriage knowing fully well that my husband CAN cheat on me, the same way that I can cheat on him if I choose to. Like what I said, I can only hope to God that my husband will not cheat.  I see no reason why he WILL. But I see every reason why he CAN.  I think I'm a good wife, in every possible way I know how, in every possible way that my husband wants, I would say. But, while I trust my husband one hundred percent, I know that there is no guarantee that all the goodness and kindness and selflessness will be returned in the same way. I don't understand why the knowledge that life gives no guarantees ought to stop me from doing my duties to my husband. Knowing that I can get into an accident when I drive my car doesn't stop me from driving. I just drive as responsibly as I can and hope my fellow drivers do the same. Besides, isn't the thought that "I will do all these things for you in exchange for your fidelity, your loyalty" the very definition of conditional love?

To a certain extent, I agree that there things wives can do to prevent their husbands from straying. Don't let herself go, fix up the house, and like what sis simang said, be attentive to her husband's love language. But, if "for better or for worse" doesn't give women the right to behave in a way that husbands can't stand, it also doesn't give men an excuse, nor the right, to cheat on their wives.

Lastly, in the same way that you don't blame yourself entirely when your husband cheats, you can't congratulate yourself too much when he does not. Why attribute another person's choices entirely on what you did, or didn't do?

[girl24]

wow, i just had a lovely read through from page 1 and i must say --- bravo! clap! clap! clap! with matching standing ovation to sis aquacharly, mooncakes and leaves and girltalker2...

maybe those who can speak best regarding cheating are those who have been cheated on? or were the cheaters? those who have experienced the horrors of it. i know because i agree 200% with what they have said because i have gone through it also.

at first, being naive and idealistic - i was a good wife. caring, thoughtful and all that jazz. what happened? syempre my hubby cheated pa rin. why? eh akala daw niya hindi mahuhuli tsaka ready and willing si girlalu kahit alam na me asawa na siya. so after everything, forgiveness chuchu pero syempre di pwedeng maforget. i realized hmmm kahit pala todo asikaso ka, total performer ka, magaayos ka eh assurance na di magchicheat si husband...

so, back to the topic - why do men cheat? really?

just because...

they have a gamut of EXCUSES to use. some even have the gall to blame the wife for THEIR CHOICE but it still boils down to one TRUTH --- marriage is between TWO people. when one cheats on the other kesyo babae man siya or lalaki, he/she is not doing his/her job in making the marriage work. it is the CHEATER's fault and decision. whether the wife is a nagger or is lousy in bed. those are still not an excuse to cheat kasi kahit lalaki me nagger at lousy in bed. ang gulo na ata ng explanation ko... basta kung ano explanation ni sis aquacharly and sis monncake and leaves --- YUN YUN!  --- sa opinion ko.

***peace***

[ankyneMD]

based on my own experience, men cheated in their wives kasi mas mahaba yung work time ni husband kesa sa family time. yung mga work mates niya, hindi kilala ni wife and nadedevelop si husband kasi nga mas matagal niya kasana si gurlalu niyang officemate. kaya dapat alamin ni wife yung flow of work ni husband at kilalanin at magpakilala sa mga officemates niya. mas masakit kasi na malaman mong nagcheat na nga si husband tapos may emotional attachment pa.

[damsel.in.distress]

They cheat because they want to. They have a choice. But still, they chose to cheat.

I disagree with those who are saying na it's the fault of the wife. FOR ME, kapag sinisi mo ang babae, it seems like the husband just want all the good in you. I can't put into words what is on my mind. But as what our pre-wedding lecturer said," tignan mo ang kapupunan ng partner mo. Hindi yung kakulangan nya."

Kapag nagcheat ang isang tao, tinitignan nya ang kakulangan ng partner nya. Mas binibigyan pansin nya yung kakulangan mo and not the good things na ginagawa mo for him and your family.

--
Kung ang asawa mong lalaki ay nagger, walang trabaho or may masamang tinapay, will that make you cheat? See? You have a choice. Yes OR no. Sabi din nga ng prof ko, "pwede naman. Ayaw mo lang." Pwede ka namang magcheat, ayaw mo lang. Pwede ka namang hindi magcheat, ayaw mo lang.

[Queen Chokolah]

Wow I love this thread! Full of smart people. Both sides have a point and I'm absorbing everything like a sponge. I am not yet married but I'm trying to learn everything I can before I do and I'm sure glad I came across this thread.

I agree that what works for you may not work for others, and vice versa. Imo, you can minimize the probability of your husband cheating by being a good wife doing all your wifely duties but as much as the truth hurts, you cannot completely cheat-proof your marriage. Your husband goes to work, goes out with his friends, sees other people - he is very much exposed to all the temptations lurking around. There are things that we just can't control. But yes, the likeliness of him cheating decreases significantly if you give him something he cannot afford to lose. If a man cheats, he has reasons. It may be you, it may be not.

I will also want my husband to be the man, and I the woman in our relationship. I want him to be the leader and the king, but I will not be so submissive to the point of being a martyr that forgives her husband repeatedly if he cheats and just continue on my journey of being a good wife. I know my worth. I am THE queen, not his slave. And you DON'T cheat on your queen.

I am not joining the debate because I'm pretty sure I cannot defend my argument as well as you sisters. I am just sharing my humble opinion. I didnt even intend to share anything but I cant help myself.  I hope humaba pa ang discussion nyo I love reading your insights and I'm learning so much.

[glamorosa_09]

I think most of you shed some light as to why infidelity happens. So far my favorite theory on this is the one researched by Shirley Glass, an infidelity researcher and couple therapist. She explained that cheating happens because of a complex interweaving of four different factors, namely, individual weakness, marriage vulnerability, social influence, and third party. Let me give examples from my personal observations:

For individual weakness:

- personality disorder like narcissism, even if you're the only perfect person existing in this world, if your husband has this, he'll be focusing on his needs. Not his fault either to be like that.
- self-esteem issues
- grew up with generational cheating in the family
- weak moral and spiritual values which any common man can have.

For marriage vulnerability:

I like to look at it through the lens of His Needs, Her Needs. The author, Willard Harley, posits that when a couple is continuously failing to meet their spouse's marital needs, it makes their marriage vulnerable and predisposes their marriage to infidelity. Here he identified the 5 needs of husbands and wives.

Husband's Needs: sexual needs, admiration, domestic support, recreational companionship, attractive spouse (or someone who takes care of herself).

Wife's Needs: Conversation, commitment to family, affection, honesty and openness, financial support.

Social Influence:

When infidelity is not a tabboo, or is a common thing among his colleagues or his friends, then it's possible that it might not be a big deal to him either. This can happen when it is coupled with an individual weakness of lack of strong moral or spiritual values.

Third Party:

Nowadays, even if your husband is a certified torpe, there are a lot or promiscuous women our there who will do their best to get what they want, to fill their emotional emptiness, to feed their own needs. Couple this with individual weakness and marriage vulnerability, infidelity can happen.

These are just theories  in an attempt to understand the what's and why's of this phenomena. It may not give you 100% of the reason you're looking for, but for me so far, these are good theories that make me understand infidelity.

Yet explain this to a grieving wife, they will have a difficult time grasping it. Of course there a lot of pains, hurts, anger and resistances. It's much easier to move on by believing that "all men are cheaters." If that is beneficial to them, then go ahead and use it. But I hope they won't rub it on others, cos even relationship scientists/researchers will not make such a bold claim.

On the other hand, believing your husbands will never cheat, is again another overconfident and bold statement. Life is full of uncertainties, and it' s a fact. The higher your ideals soar, the deeper and more painful you'd fall if it would happen to you. I believe that the only time a wife can claim that her husband is never a cheater is when either of them died. Like what I mentioned before, the only way to be sure you'll never experience this trauma, is to remain single and uncommitted. I haven't experienced cheating, so there's no angst or bitterness from this side.

What wives can do is give your best, learn about men and relationships, coach your men about women and relationships. We all know that most women  are more emotionally and relationally intelligent than men. And I believe that women has a strong influence on men. So use it wisely.

Yet in the end, a husband is still his own person, gifted with free will and choice.

PS: All theories are bound to limitations and therefore are incomplete. Though you are arguing with your personal opinions and right reasons, I think most of you are right. You're just looking at the other side of the coin. Still, a stimulating and informative discussion indeed.

[mommycute46]

Wow! I finished reading this thread but only one thing is clear to me: the TS wanted to imply that if the husband cheats, it's the fault of the wife (she's not performing her wifely duties) but if it's the other way around, something's wrong with the wife.

[Pretty_ava]

found out that my husband cheated or still cheating. what made him do it?! nakikipag chat daw kase ako sa ex officemate ko sa facebook with sweet nothings messages. so he cheated, I found out dahil sa text messages nila. natulog na sila magkasama nabasa ko yun and pinapalipat pa nga ng husband ko yung girl sa ibang bahay para mabisita nya lagi.  nag ilove you na din sya.   when i found out about the affair, nanginig ako tapos iyak ng iyak ako, it is still fresh like last week ko lang nalaman,

i told to myself na kakayanin ko for my two girls i will try to work it out pero yun nga it seems  na ako lang ang may gusto to work things out.  I am sad. really devastated, alam mo yung I'm starting with my new career tapos nangyari to, but I'll be okay, I need to be okay.

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, I am so sorry to hear about your predicament.  Everytime I hear stories like that, parang brings back some memories from my past. It was a traumatic experience kasi for me.

Try ka pa magbackread, maraming threads dito about infidelity, how women dealt with it. Some marriages survived, some did not.  Just pray for His guidance.

[Pretty_ava]

^thanks sis, sabi nya ngayon sa akin wag na daw ako umasa na maayos pa to.  ang sakit lang sis, kase wala akong ginawang masama, pero ako ang sinisisi nya kung bakit kami ganito now. im starting my career with bpi now and alam na alam nya na matagal kong pinangarap to, tapos may 5 mos old baby pa kami and our yaya's are about to leave us. so ayun sunod sunod ang problema. saka na ko magku kwento mga sis pag medyo okay na ako right now kase i am a mess.