Your husband cheated. What made him do it?

[bonita111809]

accepting the randomness and the uncertainty of life isn't the same as having doubts, bonita. it also does not follow that just because a wife has accepted all possibilities in life, including betrayal, she will neglect her husband. you have to believe that everyone, even the wives you mentioned whose methods you disagree with, the ones who have shared their pain here, have done their best and are doing their best. like you, they're just doing what they know is right.

sis, the thing is you can apply your acceptance of randomness and uncertainty of life  to something else but never to your husband because guess what, you are actually doubting him if you do that. you don't trust him. you can apply this acceptance to death, accidents, calamity because it happens to everyone. but not all women are being cheated on. why? because these women know their worth and they are performing their duties as a good wife.

if your way of treating your husband works for you guys and you guys are happy, good for you. but your way is NOT the standard. honestly, the way you described on another thread your relationship with your husband--if everyone followed your way, we will all be suicidal. i'm not judging but i can never dote on anyone the way you do your husband and i don't want to think i can ever control anybody. and it's not because your way is wrong. it's because your way is untrue to myself. that's just not who i am. i can either do things your way or i can have an honest conversation with whoever i'm with and see if they're alright with my lazy a$$.

if there are women out there who are living by the same principles like mine, then why can't other women do it? because they're too proud. they don't want to humble themselves. they're afraid without knowing that the fear they have and the other traits I mentioned is what prevents them from being an empowered woman. my way of being a good wife has become non-standard because women in the new age have stopped doing the standards. marriages 50 years ago were so much better than marriages today.

you can't say that wives who have been cheated on pushed their husbands to cheat because they are like this, like that, etc. because kahit bali-baliktarin mo man ang mundo, when you cheat on your spouse--crass as this may sound--hinayaan mong "iputan ang ulo" nila ng ibang tao. binaba mo sila when trabaho mo to lift them up. cheating is deliberate whereas those fits of anger or whatever dissatisfaction men have with their wives--those are usually unplanned. they are products of life wearing us all down. when you cheat, you stop being on your spouse's team. kahit sabihin mong, eh kasi nagger na si wife, tumaba, stopped having sex, etc.-- well, f*ck it. that only means the cheating husband did not understand what he signed up for. i'm not married but i would venture a guess that marriage has a lot to do with accepting your partner for who s/he is and who they could become. kaya nga for better or worse- you marry what you know and what you don't know. you vow to love despite the many changes both of you will go through. even the ones you don't like. even the ones that make you unhappy.

as far as I can remember, I did not say that (all) women who have been cheated on pushed their husbands to do it kasi depende sa rason ni husband yan. you have a point. marriage is also about acceptance. so why can't some wives accept their husband's shortcomings? kapag minsan bugnutin ang mister nya, magiging bugnutin din sya. kapag kulang ang sahod, katakot-takot na insulto ang inaabot ni mister. kapag hindi tumutulong si mister sa gawaing bahay, bunganga ang pinaiiral.
men marry the woman they love because he liked the traits he has seen in her. he will accept if you become fat, if you have pimples on your face because of hormonal imbalance or pregnancy, he will accept that you will soon have wrinkles on your face but the moment you make his life a living hell, all hell will break lose as well. that's not what he signed up for. he signed up for a loving, caring and understanding woman whom he married and given his vows to. once you show him these undesirable traits, he no longer sees that woman he loved, the woman he adored. to him, you are just a green-eyed monster ready to eat him alive.

all this rationalizing why men cheat for me is just a way to make women feel they can control it, that they can take steps to prevent it. you can't. s**t happens to the best and the worst of us. like what nathanielle said, life is that random.

imo, when you know the reasons why a man cheats, you will certainly know how to control the cheating and his behavior because you would know what he needs and the things that he can get from other women. I know too many empowered women who have performed their wifely duties to their husbands with flying colors and they lived harmoniously,grew old with their husbands and died happy. and those women who thinks that all men are unfaithful and will only end up cheating despite of the things they do, they are actually the ones who are now separated, married twice maybe more, and living with her husband only for the kids.

[bonita111809]

Mas agree ako kay sis aquacharly at sis mooncake. 
Gusto ko ipaliwanag why ako agree pero like sis aquacharly under-maintenance ata utak ko. Hahaha!

May question pala ako, pano yung mga lalake na nagabroad at while abroad eh nambabae?
Kailangan pa din bang isipin ng wife na kaya nambabae si  lalake eh dahil sa wala si wife para ibigay ang wifey duties niya?  Kailangan pa bang isipin what made him do it? I mean, kailangang ijustify talaga?

keri lang sis, hindi mo na kelangan ipaliwanag. naiintindihan ko naman.

ibabalik ko sa'yo yung tanong. baket may mga lalakeng nasa aboad pero hindi nagloko?

kasi kahit nasa malayo si mister, si misis ginagawa pa rin yung mga wifely duties nya. they communicate. she sympathizes, she shows genuine care and unconditional love. she doesn't care about how much money will be sent or when will it be sent to her. she gets freaky with him, they do cybersex. also, kapag si husband nasa aboad, wag mong isiping pwede nyang gawing habang buhay yan. distance makes the heart go fonder but if you prolong it, you will most likely grow apart.

while I'm saying these things, I still believe that men can choose to cheat or not. but his choices are greatly affected by the circumstances he's in.

[bonita111809]

BONITA, check the dictionaries. No definition is definitive always, because there is such a thing as a qualifier/adjective/adverb/context.  I just followed your line of thinking vis-vis control. 

 IN THIS FORUM, as elsewhere --  let us not assume we are OMNISCIENT, or  that what works for us will work for others.  The mods ENCOURAGE  SHARING, not judgment nor bullying.  We want ALL to share their wisdom or perspective.  LET ALL  say their piece in peace.  I want to HEAR from most, if not all. I want all/most to share their thoughts on the problem, and not stay quiet lest they be judged.

I am keeping quiet henceforth in this thread because I WANT TO HEAR from others too. 

I actually checked the dictionary sis, and none of those words you mentioned define the word 'control'.

I'm sorry if I sound like I know everything but really, that's not the impression I want others to have. I am just sharing what I know that other women don't know in the hopes that they become empowered, too. it's up to them if they will believe me or not. I am not forcing anyone to live by the same values as mine.

if it seems like I'm being a bully, my apologies. but that's not what I intend. I guess there's no good way of putting the things I'd like to impart to other women. truth will hurt no matter how I sugarcoat it. this is one of the reasons why some men will stop explaining themselves because they can see that women don't listen and understand each other when they are of the same specie. how much more if they'll be the one telling these things. katakot-takot na mura siguro aabutin nila. hahaha!

[miminibebe]

Hindi ba mas maganda na kausapin na lang nila ang mga wife nila kung nakukulangan sila? Instead of cheating? If talagang hindi magbago si wife, maghiwalay, kesa sa magcheat.

[smoothie]

^Agree. That was my point.

[bonita111809]

Hindi ba mas maganda na kausapin na lang nila ang mga wife nila kung nakukulangan sila? Instead of cheating? If talagang hindi magbago si wife, maghiwalay, kesa sa magcheat.

believe me, they do that. maaaring hindi sa paraan na gusto mo like uupo kayo sa sofa at mag-uusap about sa problema. men are not good communicators. minsan si misis minamasama yung mga sinasabi ni mister, thinking that he's being overly demanding when in reality, he is already telling her what's wrong in the relationship. minsan naman si lalake hindi nagsasalita pero pinapakita sa gawa ang mga gusto nyang mangyari o yung mga ayaw nya. and because some women are clueless of how a man's brain work, she take the signs wrongly.

hindi lahat ng lalakeng nagloloko wala nang pagmamahal sa misis nila. they stick around kasi may katiting pa silang hope na sana magbago si misis at bumalik na yung dating babaeng minahal at pinakasalan nya.

[simang]

Hindi ba mas maganda na kausapin na lang nila ang mga wife nila kung nakukulangan sila? Instead of cheating? If talagang hindi magbago si wife, maghiwalay, kesa sa magcheat.

Pero some women are too proud to accept that they're not doing enough for their husbands, especially if yung husbands mismo ang nagsabi nun straight. I think that's the dilemma din of the husband at some point. Madalas what happens when the husband opens this topic to their partners, nagiging defensive si wife and what do you know, endless nagging na naman.

men marry the woman they love because he liked the traits he has seen in her. he will accept if you become fat, if you have pimples on your face because of hormonal imbalance or pregnancy, he will accept that you will soon have wrinkles on your face but the moment you make his life a living hell, all hell will break lose as well. that's not what he signed up for. he signed up for a loving, caring and understanding woman whom he married and given his vows to. once you show him these undesirable traits, he no longer sees that woman he loved, the woman he adored. to him, you are just a green-eyed monster ready to eat him alive.

THIS. Kaya diba hindi naman lahat ng mistress eh magaganda and bata and sexy? Kaya some wives mas lalong naooffend kase mas chaka pa ang ipinalit sa kanila. Because really, it's never about the physical stuff, it's how you make your husband feel. If he feels emasculated by you, he'll fall for kahit sino basta nafifeed ang pagkalalaki nya. Kaya even the most successful beautiful independent smart wife, possible pa din na magcheat ang partner nya because he might feel unwanted since the woman has everything already. He will feel less of a man, lalo na if the successful wife shoves it to his face.

[bonita111809]

Pero some women are too proud to accept that they're not doing enough for their husbands, especially if yung husbands mismo ang nagsabi nun straight. I think that's the dilemma din of the husband at some point. Madalas what happens when the husband opens this topic to their partners, nagiging defensive si wife and what do you know, endless nagging na naman.

THIS. Kaya diba hindi naman lahat ng mistress eh magaganda and bata and sexy? Kaya some wives mas lalong naooffend kase mas chaka pa ang ipinalit sa kanila. Because really, it's never about the physical stuff, it's how you make your husband feel. If he feels emasculated by you, he'll fall for kahit sino basta nafifeed ang pagkalalaki nya. Kaya even the most successful beautiful independent smart wife, possible pa din na magcheat ang partner nya because he might feel unwanted since the woman has everything already. He will feel less of a man, lalo na if the successful wife shoves it to his face.

exactly my point sis. and about the wedding vows na "for better or for worse", I guess some women don't have a clear understanding of it. hindi ticket yang vow na yan para maging bungangera si misis, maging bugnutin o kung ano pa mang mga ugaling sinusuka ng lalake. women should know that there are other women out there who can give the needs of their husbands and women who are complete opposites. she may not be the best but to him, she is someone better.

[simang]

I'd say most women won't even admit that they nag.

[bonita111809]

I'd say most women won't even admit that they nag.

truelaloo. hehe.. may katrabaho nga ako dati na babae, bread winner sya. hindi daw sya nagger. pero nung minsan pumunta kame ng mga colleagues namen sa kanila para mag-inom, naku po nakakaawa yung mister nya. minumura nya at talagang parang alila kung tratuhin. tinatawag nyang "t@r@nt@do" at "walang kwenta". di kalaunan nagloko si mister. tapos galit na galit sya kase wala na nga raw trabaho eh nakuha pang magloko. she's just clueless. I tried explaining to her what happened, pero talagang sarado sya. so I let her deal with her problem. ngayon, she's dating a different guy. mayaman. may asawa. oh how I wish I could put sense into her mind.

[Project60]

hay.. if only not nagging is easy. Super kanya kanya ding kasing circumstance. yung mga mistress na yan kasi di pa naman lahat ng naeexperience ni wife naeexperience nila kaya more often di sila kasing nagger... hehe wala lang. naisip ko lang noh. Saka more often than not miski maghiwalay si mister at misis di rin naman nakakatuluyan ni mister si mistress kasi lumalabas din ang tunay na kulay kapag nagsama na.

sabi nga nila a wife should learn to submit to her husband for a successful marriage. Kaya lang syempre may mga instances din kasi na hindi naman pwedeng laging ganun i think meron din namang mga wife na hindi talaga nagger in nature pero sa sobrang disappointed dahil sa mga paulit ulit na nangyayari nagiging nagger tuloy. Women in nature are more vocal kaya more nagging more fun ang peg ng halos lahat hehe.

there should always be balance. hindi ka rin naman magiging masaya kung all for hubby nalang lahat.

[langley]

just like one man blogger said:

"women are fearful beings that's why they have a need for control"

but really do we have a control of things weather mangangaliwa o hindi ang asawa mo?

I think you can minimize that chance but we women do not have a control of everything, even our husbands.

Only the Lord God has a control of everything.

So who will you trust first? Of course I will trust God first.
And because I trust Him I will obey His command to submit to my husband.
At si Lord na ang bahala sa husband ko.
And then I'll continue doing my wifely duties knowing that while I'm submitting to my husband I'm obeying God at siya na ang bahala sa 'kin.

I may not be as intelligent as any women here pero masasabi ko masaya ako. Hindi ako mayaman pero kuntento ako sa asawa ko. And I have peace knowing that I'm safe in my Savior(Jesus Christ) arms.

I have also instances in the past na si Lord talaga ang gumanti para sa'kin.
At meron din naman instances na dahil sinuway ko si Lord dinisiplina niya ko.
Kaya nga nowadays I have a big trust sa Panginoon ko. Dahil alam ko Siya lang ang may kontrol ng lahat.

[Project60]

super agree sis langley! your relationship should always be christ centered

saka nothing ever justifies cheating. ke bungagera man si wife or super perfect si husband.diba nga kaya may marriage vows- sa hirap or sa ginahawa.

[bonita111809]

hay.. if only not nagging is easy. Super kanya kanya ding kasing circumstance. yung mga mistress na yan kasi di pa naman lahat ng naeexperience ni wife naeexperience nila kaya more often di sila kasing nagger... hehe wala lang. naisip ko lang noh. Saka more often than not miski maghiwalay si mister at misis di rin naman nakakatuluyan ni mister si mistress kasi lumalabas din ang tunay na kulay kapag nagsama na.

sabi nga nila a wife should learn to submit to her husband for a successful marriage. Kaya lang syempre may mga instances din kasi na hindi naman pwedeng laging ganun i think meron din namang mga wife na hindi talaga nagger in nature pero sa sobrang disappointed dahil sa mga paulit ulit na nangyayari nagiging nagger tuloy. Women in nature are more vocal kaya more nagging more fun ang peg ng halos lahat hehe.

there should always be balance. hindi ka rin naman magiging masaya kung all for hubby nalang lahat.

it is easy not to nag. women nag because they want some things to happen or they trying to get what they want. ang hindi nila alam, nagging is not the right way to get what we want.

if you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen. look at the love story of mumtaz mahal and shah jahan. mumtaz was so dear (mumtaz is just one of his several wives) to shah that he sworn to her on her deathbed that he will never remarry again. and then he ordered the construction of taj mahal.  she treated him like a king and in return, even on her death, she remained his queen.

Sis, kaya yung ibang mga kabit iniiwan din ng lalake kalaunan,hindi dahil lumabas ang tunay na kulay nila.nagbago sila at naging katulad na rin ni misis.

[bonita111809]

sis langley, I admire your undying belief in Him. I also believe na nasa dyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa.


you don't just do your wifely duties because God will repay you. you do that because you love your husband unconditionally and you only want to treat him good despite of his shortcomings. 

[miminibebe]

May mga lalake ding nagger.  Pano kung si wife ang manglalake dahil si husband eh nagger, si husband ang di maka-appreciate kay wife? Hindi lang ang babae ang nagbabago sa buhay mag-asawa, pati lalake nagbabago ang ugali, ang itsura.

[bonita111809]

May mga lalake ding nagger.  Pano kung si wife ang manglalake dahil si husband eh nagger, si husband ang di maka-appreciate kay wife? Hindi lang ang babae ang nagbabago sa buhay mag-asawa, pati lalake nagbabago ang ugali, ang itsura.

men and women are wired differently sis. yung rason na may nasasabi si mister sa misis nya ay iba sa rason na nagiging bungangera si misis. ako, I would appreciate if my husband would tell me what's on his mind by telling me things and wouldn't consider him nagging. he's just trying to tell me what's lacking of me and kung anong kelangan kong i-improve. he's trying to communicate but he's not good at it so ang dating sa misis eh nagger na si husband.

 kanina sabi mo baket hindi nalang magsalita si lalake kung anong problema sa misis nya tapos ngayon, manlalake pa si misis dahil napagsabihan kung anong mali sa kanya? oh well..

[miminibebe]

Teka, namisunderstood ata yung huli kong sinabi. hahaha!

May mga lalakeng talagang nagger, hindi lang sa pagsasabi ng mga mali or kung anuman sa mga asawa nila.  Merong mga lalakeng matalak, hindi ko alam if di ka pa nakakakilala niyan, may kilala ako sis, pakilala ko sya sa yo, pero may mga lalakeng nagger din kahit na walang ginagawang masama si wife.  Yun ang ibig ko sabihin, kung ang lalake ang nagbago ang ugali, lumaki ang tyan, nawalan ng sex drive, ibig sabihin sila ang pwedeng sisihin ng babae pag nanglalake sila?

Aba, eh abnormal ang babae kung manglala-lake siya dahil gustong itama ng lalake ang mga ugali niyang mali. 

Sinabi mo na sis, cheating is a choice.  Ang point ko lang eh, the thought of cheating, acting out the thought is the sole responsibility of the cheater.  So sa cheater lang ang blame, period.

Nabasa ko yung bago mong post, ibig sabihin kasalanan pa din ni kabit na iniwan siya ng kinabitan niya dahil walang satisfaction ang kumabit? hahaha!  Laging may lusot ang mga lalake ah...

[simang]

Sinabi mo na sis, cheating is a choice.  Ang point ko lang eh, the thought of cheating, acting out the thought is the sole responsibility of the cheater.  So sa cheater lang ang blame, period.

If a 7-year old street child snatches your belongings, will you really put ALL the blame on him? He was also a victim of many unfortunate circumstances.

I'm not saying that a cheating husband is as innocent as a 7 yr old kid, but as shallow as it may sound, men are like kids. Give them what they want and they'll stay put. Sigawan mo in public, lalo syang iiyak at magmamaktol. Ipahiya mo sa friends nya, he will be resentful. Deprive him of something, he will look for it somewhere else. Nurture him, he will be thankful. Appreciate his silly drawings, he'll make better drawings for you. Make him feel he's strong, and he will show you just that. You see, women are powerful as mothers, and I believe we have the same power as being wives, because after all, our husbands are just kids who wants to loved and appreciated.

[bonita111809]

@miminibebe, alam mo ba kung baket nagiging 'nagger' si mister? Anong nag-provoke sa kanya? Eh si misis baket sya nagiging nagger? Ang gusto ko kasing sabihin, si lalake magsasalita yan kung talagang hindi nya kinakaya yung ugali ni misis. Minsan, he's just lashing back. Yung rason kung bakit si lalake eh nagdadakdak eh iba sa rason ni misis.

Can you give examples of changes in a man's attitude? Kase pwedeng nagbago ang ugali nya dahil sa asawa nya or dahil sa ibang external factors like stress sa trabaho or illness. Kung si misis nangaliwa dahil malaki na ang tyan ni mister at hindi na makapag-perform ng maayos sa kama, aba eh hindi nya talaga mahal ang mister nya. Jan mo na pwedeng ipasok ang vow na "for better or for worse".

Yeah, I said that cheating is still a choice pero may pahabol ako. Kung anong estado ng lalake sa buhay may asawa, malaking epekto yun sa magiging choice nya. Gaya nga ng lagi kong sinasabi dito sa GT, sabi ng dad ko kapag ang lalake busog na, hindi na kakain kahit ano pang ihanda mo sa kanya.

Kahit kelan naman hindi ko sinisisi yung mga babaeg naiputan sa ulo kung baket nangyare sa kanila yun. Babae din naman ako and I know how how it feels to be cheated on.ang sinasabi ko lang, posibleng sila ang nagtulak sa mga partners nila para mangaliwa. Kung si kabit nakayang ma-satisfy si lalake at the early stage of the relationship, baket hindi nya na-maintain? To think na kaya sya ang pinili ni lalake over the misis kase nasa kanya yung wala kay misis. So what happened?