I felt deceived.

[jojo2978]

I cannot say it was a whirlwind love story. We've been friends for a few months before acknowledging that we are falling for each other. It was overwhelming. I was consumed with it. I didn't see issues that will eventually popped up.

I laid down my cards. All of it. I was very transparent to her with everything. My not so distant past to which she is very aware of and to almost all that happened to me before that I can recall I would willingly open up. I trust her with everything. I told her that guys are of two types: 1) those who wish to know about your past; and 2) those who doesn't care. Specifically, I told her that I am of the former.

I expected that I will be privy to her past (since this is the only issue at hand). My family is ok with her and I love her family. So I begin to accept the things she told me.

Things began to get confusing when I learned one thing through her friend and I immediately demanded for the truth. It hurts me to know that she kept things from me. She explained everything to me and promise me that it will never happen again and  there is no way she'll hide things from me ever. Unfortunately, promises are easy to break. She didn't value her word. Not just once that the facts have changed and she twisted her stories. I am trying to understand everything. Exerting every effort to be patient and to show my love even though it pains me. Promises were again given but to the nth time I was disappointed.  Worst thing is she is justifying it saying that it is all about the past. She insisted that she is doing everything to make up for it since the time we are officially together.

For me, the issue is not with her past which she couldn't grasps and understand resulting to arguments. Honestly, her past would not have mattered if only from the beggining she trusted me with everything.  What hurts me the most are the promises that there will no longer be lies and she will always be transparent. Before, I would always tell her that "sure ka na wala na akong malalaman, tell me now kaysa installment pa mas masasaktan ako" and she would answer that it is all there is. I repeat, the issue is not her past but I felt disrespected and deceived and it pained me everytime it crossed my mind that she have looked me in my eyes, directly, not just once but around five different instances and promised that there will be no more secrets and she will never hurt me again.

After that, I have come to realized that I vaguely knew her. I have loved the side of her which she was willingly showing me but the other side, I felt that it was intentionally hidden from me. I want to love her wholely but how? I am trying to give her the opportunity and chance to make it up but she kept on insisting that the past should not matter. I told her that I need time to cope in that situation but it infuriates her.   No matter how much I explained myself that it is not about her past but her propensity to lie in my face that hurts me she refused to listen. She wanted me to accept everything she told me abruptly. Don't I have grounds to feel that it will take time for me to forget and to trust her again?

[baliwsayo]

Hi Jojo, since I couldn't fully grasp your stand either, I'll just share how I am with my S.O. or ex's.

I don't feel like pouring all my past to anybody. Not that I am hiding something but more of I want my past behind me. But if he asks for specifics, like nakapasok ka na ba sa motel na to? I would answer with the truth of course. But honestly, I get stressed whenever he'll ask something about the past. Take note again that it's not because I want to hide or lie about it, but it's because I don't want to be remembered.

I believe our eyes were placed in front because we need to look forward and not backwards.

Honestly, if I were your gf and you're making this an issue against me, I will surely get turned off. You know what, when you say you love someone, that should be all encompassing. You should accept everything even her past. Not all people are comfortable discussing their past, and that's all to that. Why can't you just respect that?

Just my view. 

[jojo2978]

Thanks for sharing your opinion Sis Baliwsaiyo. Going into your example, what if instead of going with your answer my gf replied I have never been into that place all my life but later it was found out that she frequented that place how should I feel?  All I am trying to point out is I can accept the past easily had you not made up stories and pretended that you are almost someone else.

Kung paulit ulit siya nangako na this is who I am on several occasions and wala na twist ang mga nasabi niya sa akin pero di pala yun ang totoo. Di ba ako dapat ang ma turned off?

[jamimi29]

Hi Jojo, I get what you mean. That's really disappointing that she lies about something, but maybe you could look on a brighter side since you said that you love her, maybe she's hiding these things from you because she's ashamed of her past? Or like what Sis baliwsayo said, she doesn't want to remember.

And btw, "What you don't know won't hurt you", right?

[iwannabeasupermodel]

instead of focusing on the lies, why dont you try to find the reason why she is lying? pero feeling ko natanong mo na rin yun. ask her why is there a part of her that she doesn't want to let you know. then respect na lang the reason why.

[Girltalker2]

I think in any relationship, basic foundation is trust. Kung sa umpisa pa lang mag GF palang kayo tapos alam mong malaki ang potential magsinungaling, I think it is better left at that. Mabuti nang hindi  maging kayo. IMHO lang naman.

Kahit naman sa lalaki, mag BF palang kayo, kung sinungaling, dapat lang iwan. Ang hirap kasi mag establish ng relasyon kung alam mong sinungaling ang tao.  Minsan kasi puede nyang sabihin hindi na, pero sa galing nila magsinungaling naging character na nila yun at hindi mo na mababago.  Unless gusto mo sumakit ang ulo mo, IMO bette not pursue the relationship.

[sugardrop]

There are some things that are better left unsaid. It could open wounds and things a person might rather forget. Of course, you want to know about her past which is just fair since you want to know who she is and perhaps accept her including her past. But not everyone's comfortable to dig through her past and open up about it.

[j.adore]

I would agree that trust is the foundation of a relationship.

Dun pa lang sa example mo jojo2978, that's an outright lie already. How can you be with someone you don't trust? Where's the respect? Sorry but para ka namang ginagawang t**** ng lagay na yan.

Just to confirm, are you really giving her the chance to open up about her past or are you demanding it from her? To understand why she's doing this, paano ba yung approach mo?
Is it also clear to her that sharing one's past is a must for you to establish your relationship with her?

Once everything is settled, give her an ultimatum like a last chance for her to stop lying. I'm sorry but this is a major red flag. If she does it again even after the warning, let her go and move on. How can you sleep at night knowing there's a big big chance that you're being lied to?

Mag-BF pa lang kayo ganyan na, I hope you're not planning on get married

[jojo2978]

Sisses, thank you for all the comments.  Everything is highly appreciated.

@ sis jamimi29 I am trying to be constructive.  Not just once did I encourage her to tell me everything.  I am just hurt that a lot of versions of story came out in installments.  Di ba pwedeng isang sakit na lang? Perhaps she gambled on the 'What I don't know won't hurt me'. Worst is I did happen to know and it give me pain.

@ sis iwannabeasupermodel To be honest, I am looking beyond the lies.  I am finding reasons to stay. I am trying to explain to her that I am upset not because I knew her past but because of the times I gave her the chance to finally correct it by giving the true version of everything. I just wish she'd listen where I am coming from instead of turning things into argument. 

@ sis Girltalker2 I am exploring the possibility yung mga sinabi ng mga sisses natin baka may reasons behind that.  I am very rational.  10 tama isang mali will not sway me unless incorregible na.  You are right sis, basic foundation is trust. I will find ways to work it out. If after a reasonable time and she still can't trust me, perhaps, I should let go.

@ sis sugardrop You have a very good point sis.  That's one way I am assessing the situation. Perhaps I would like to cling more on the real person that she is than the ideal one. 

@ sis j.adore Siguro nga kaya ako nasaktan kasi ganoon ang naramdaman ko ng paulit ulit.  I gave her the chance to give the correct versions of the truth and the thought that she look me straight in my eyes telling me that she is sorry and she will not hurt me again. Siguro I just expect too much from her.  I expect that she will trust me and can trust me with everything about her.  Unfortunately, I really can't sleep tight at night with all these.  I want a reassurance from her.  I want something concrete.  If I don't see and feel it at a definite time, I can do nothing but let go.  It is up to her to show me that I can trust her once more. Sorry for sounding selfish on this.

[jamimi29]

Hi bro Jojo, i'd like to ask, when she's opening up to you, what is your initial reaction? Were you mad? Sad? What did you feel?

Right now, I'm just confused as you are regarding the reason why she did that.
Let's just analyze everything so we can find an answer

[romantico]

If you really love someone then her past shouldn't matter. There are people as you who are interested in someone's past so i don't blame you but understand also that there are people who are not comfortable with their past especially to someone they cared for and love.

Sure you told her that her past means nothing to you but you can't blame her if she's not comfortable with it especially if it's something that she's not proud of and is worried that someday you'll use it against her in the way of "sumbat" when you guys have a fight. Even if you tell her over and over again that you just want to hear it from her and the truth and etc, she'll get the impression that you're interogating her like an FBI agent so the tendency her defense mechanism will kick in because obviously she's not comfortable with her past and probably regretting some of it. People lie because they are afraid so if you're going to interogate her over and over again then she'll be force to lie over and over again. Perhaps she is also confused on why her past matters to you even if you repeatedly assured her that it does not.

Personally, i'm not comfortable with some of my past but if my GF would find out about it along the way and ask me then i will tell the truth but i don't think i can be very honest about it if she keeps on interogating it as if i'm under arrest. If i were you, i would not judge her from failing the lie detector instead if i'm kinda bothered at her past i'll just ask for assurance that her past wont ever happen again especially when she's in a relationship with you. That way, if she screws up again then you can walk away already as trust is compromised. For example, if this is about her sexual past especially with numerous partners (accept that she won't feel comfortable telling you everything about it) it's either you accept her or not, if you love her then make her promise that she have changed her ways and give her a chance to prove it but once she broke that trust or promise and sleep with someone again then you just walk away. If you can't accept her sexual past from the get go then save both of you the pressure and trouble and just walk away.

You can also try, instead of interogating her and expecting her to spill the beans on one sitting then why not try tackling the issue as they come along but it does not guarantee that she will tell the whole truth and you'll just end up hurt and upset over again. You cannot blame people who are not comfortable themselves with their own past to trust someone to be comfortable with it. So i think you need to reevaluate yourself from the information you got so far regarding her past if you can handle it or not. If she's worth keeping or not. If the relationship is worth fighting for or not.

[Girltalker2]

@ sis Girltalker2 I am exploring the possibility yung mga sinabi ng mga sisses natin baka may reasons behind that.  I am very rational.  10 tama isang mali will not sway me unless incorregible na.  You are right sis, basic foundation is trust. I will find ways to work it out. If after a reasonable time and she still can't trust me, perhaps, I should let go.

It is not whether she trusts you, it is more of whether YOU can trust her.  Pag sinabi nyang "wala yun", walang doubt ba sa mind mo?  Or hindi ka mapakali? 

[sugardrop]

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it's not the issue of whether or not she trusts you but more on her not trusting herself enough when it comes to telling you and opening up about her past?

[baliwsayo]

Thanks for sharing your opinion Sis Baliwsaiyo. Going into your example, what if instead of going with your answer my gf replied I have never been into that place all my life but later it was found out that she frequented that place how should I feel?  All I am trying to point out is I can accept the past easily had you not made up stories and pretended that you are almost someone else.

Kung paulit ulit siya nangako na this is who I am on several occasions and wala na twist ang mga nasabi niya sa akin pero di pala yun ang totoo. Di ba ako dapat ang ma turned off?

Probably kinakahiya niya ang past niya kaya ganun. Pag ba sinabi niya na pang-10 ka ng lalake sa buhay niya, tatanggapin mo pa din siya?

Anyway, I didn't lie because I was thinking, okey if he'd get turned off then goodbye na lang. Maybe she lied because she felt that you will not be able to handle the truth. As for me again, after answering his question, sinabi ko diretso sa kanya na I am not comfortable talking about the past so I hope that would be the last time he'd ask. He respected my stand naman and he never asked again.

[insanelypurpleprincess]

I've been reading through this thread for a while now and decided not to post in the early stages because I was kind of unsure what exactly is the concern. Subject says: I felt deceived. ---> Does this mean that some form of deception was employed to merit your current status of being in a relationship or you only felt this along the way?

To cut to the chase, here's my take on things and I shall use myself as an example here. I've lived a very spontaneous and dynamic life, so I've done so many things in my life (not all of which I am proud of). So, the moment I go into a relationship with someone, I don't intend to sit down with my guy and say, hey, here's the story of my life... Instead, I would rather go, I don't mind talking about the past, however, please ask me questions and I shall answer them as they come. Since that is the expectation that I set, anytime my guy asks me a question, then I shall answer by then and however he reacts to it, we shall deal with as it comes. Well, that is my philosophy in life. To just take it as it comes. It appears to me that you yearn to have a complete play by play of your partner's life history and maybe, you're not on the same page. But again, I can be wrong. Hope this little insight helps you somehow. If I happen to be off track here, then feel free to brush aside what I just wrote. Best of luck in handling your situation and hope it leaves all parties happy at the end of it all.

[simang]

If the lying really, significantly bothers you, then don't stress yourself anymore. Just let her go. I understand that it's not her past you're concerned about, but the fact that she said things that you eventually found out were not true. If you can't stand it, then by all means get out of the relationship. For sure marami ka pang madidiscover sa kanya, being friends for a few months isn't enough to learn everything about a person, heck, even a lifetime will never be enough to know a person so well.

People are wired differently, just because you laid all your cards from the start doesn't mean she has to do the same. As most of our sisses here say, some things from the past are better left in the past. I can't really blame the girl for 'lying' as I can feel naman na those are just white lies. Maybe she wants to start fresh with you, so she's leaving all the dark past behind and start with a clean slate. Maybe the 'lying' was just part of moving on.

[enilec]

Before she's your girlfriend, she's a person. Of course, people have many differences. Some are not as willing to share some things in their life, which we ought to RESPECT. You said you laid down your cards but why did you do that in the first place? Did she ask you to do so? Cos if not then most likely your reason for doing all that (even if you deny this) is self-serving. You chose to open up to her about your past cos you want her to do the same.

Of course, it's always better if couples are more open with each other. But I don't think you have the right to feel bad if she protects some secrets, specially since as you said, they're from her past.  Sabi mo rin it's not about her past but about her propensity to lie which is the problem. Well, she wouldn't have to lie in the first place, had you not put her in that position where you're indirectly forcing her to open up to things she's not comfortable to share. I think any person is entitled to have their secrets kept secret. Kaya nga secret eh.

Her lying to you of course breaks your foundation of trust as a couple. But, digging into someone's past and privacy... doesn't that mean you already lack trust, confidence and respect to your gf right off the bat? Itong problema mo, sa totoo lang.. sa tingin ko ikaw ang may gawa. But since you feel so wronged and you probably can't accept her lies... maybe you can consider breaking up with her. Kesa pinapahirapan niyo isa't isa.

[AVIDGOLFER]

As far as how I understand Jojo's post and IMHO, I guess the big issue is not about her past but her bieng a Congenital Liar.

[aquacharly]

Some people, of any gender, do things they regret later.  The conscience nags &/or maturity sets in --  then he/she decides to reinvent into a better person.   As they say, it is never too late to re-invent one's self -- and we should respect that.  Meaning, we should not demand to have full knowledge of anybody's blotter sheet.   If you really love  the person  "as-is, now" --  suck it up.  Although, the beloved should reveal critical details (when it is reasonably time to share) like: I had a vasectomy, irreversible; or:  I have terminal cancer; or, I am married; or, I have x children...  that kind of info. But as to how many he/she effed and other details thereof --  if the person is not the eff-and-tell type. --  why should you insist on knowing? That part of his/her life eh gusto nya nang leave in the past -- IMO, it has no relevance to how much &  how you are loved now.

I am kinda confused with your cuento.
1st:   You insist it is an issue of trust.
Ok, you asked & she didn't give truthful details. Yes, you are right in feeling hurt that she lied.  You are very peeved/hurt that on more than 1 occasion, she lied and convinced you -- only for you to learn "the truth"  from someone else.   So, it is less of a trust issue, but more of a pride issue there?  coz she was able to convince you of her untruthful answer until binuko ng iba.  Na-convince ka nya, she played you.
But can you really 100percent say she lied to you with a straight face 100percent? Iba din kasi perception/extent of knowledge ng ibang tao, lalo na kung tsismosa, just saying.  And, curious lang ako:  why are you doing small talk with others about her personal past? 

2nd:   You insist you hate her lying, that it is not an issue about her past. Fine, who needs a congenital liar in one's life nga naman. 
BUT somewhere in your posts you say it's as if you love this person who is now like a stranger to you.  Is it the lying, or are you referring to her past adventures/persona?  Ang gets ko kasi eh you love this image of her, eh shukz! may colorful hidden past pala.   So you gotta decide if it's just the image ( you have in your mind of her) you are enamored with -- coz well, true love means you accept the whole person warts & all.  I mean, who ba falls in love  with a person whose past & present is out there like an open book? Di ba everyone is like an onion with many layers, & the layers are gradually peeled off?    No one falls in love with Perfection, IMO -- coz there is no perfect person --That Perfection  is just an image/blueprint.  We fall in love with 1/2/a bunch of positive attributes (in the beloved). that we deem are important to us -- so, can you go back now and recall what it was in her you fell in love with? Andon pa ba yon??  If andon pa, why are you complicating matters?

3rd issue:   Her trust in you.  I kinda feel her situation.  Why do people lie? Because the listener cannot accept the truth peacefully.  Same same, que bata nagsisinungaling sa mom or a philanderer to his wife.  The listener will not accept the truth peacefully & just let it go --  May reaction yan, usually unpleasant. 
I am not saying the reaction is unmerited (Aba, some truth-sayers eh -- deserve mabaril agad  on the spot. Hahaha)
Maybe sa kilatis nya sa yo eh --  tingin nya you cannot handle colorful or graphic details. She perhaps thought you needed PG13, something like that.   
Maybe, she does not trust you will not throw in her face what is irrelevant to you (coz it was before Your Time) during a fight; or that you will "extrapolate".   Na como she cheated on her man before, she will do the same thing to you.
And, well, the ability to trust is a very personal thing. Her ability is the product of  her past & where she's coming from ika nga.  Lalo na if you have been reacting negatively to details of her colorful past --  she will hide it more.  It's not you, it's her comfort level --  it's her call to tell you what she thinks you are capable of handling.

TRUST is like an eraser: it gets smaller with each mistake.
TRUST is 2-way too, JOJO. You  have trust issues with her, she has trust issues with  you too.
IMO, better you focus on the reality of who she is NOW,  and the reality of what you love in her. 
IF you CAN STILL SEE & VALUE  what you fell in love with in her that  is still there in her now. --  that should clarify your confusion now.  Intense Interrogation will not strengthen you relationship coz True Love is a leap of faith. (Faith ha, hindi chain of  kagagahan.  But haynaku, many of us women, get tied by the chain, hahaha.)
BUT if you are the type of person who does not have a strong heart to love a person as-is, where-is-now; and you do not possess the confidence to love  & be loved --  best you end this pseudo-love of yours soonest.  Why?  Kasi you will be plagued by mamaws all your life together.  That, IMO, is your core  issue:   the mamaws.