Am I being unreasonable? My husband "almost" cheated on me :(

[halfbloodPrincess]

Hi Guys and Gals,

I'm new here.  
I hope you find time to read my story because I badly need your opinions if I'm being too unreasonable or too demanding with my husband who "almost" cheated on me.  It would be best if there are guys out there to say their views as well.

This is what happened... My husband admitted that he "tried" to have a relationship with his officemate who happens to be married also but they did not continue with it daw.  He said that "nakunsensya" daw si girl and they decided to end whatever it is that is going on between them.  According to him, he didn't really love her but he just wanted a "distraction" during the time na nagkakalabuan kami (there are things that happened but I won't get into detail baka ma-bored kayo lol).  In short "nakunsensya" din daw sya because he was just using the girl and he was just wanting to hurt me. But he never told me he was sorry for doing it.  It was like justification lang yun ng galit nya sa akin.

Anyway, these are the things that I asked him to do but when I told him he gets mad and tells me that "dinidiktahan" ko daw sya.

Tell me if these are unreasonable demands:

1. I asked him to delete all of the photos of that girl in our computer (be it group or solo photos).

2. I never asked him to block or unfriend her from Facebook, but I told him to NOT "like" or "comment" on her posts.

3. I told him they can NEVER be friends.  He should never talk to her again. (I know this one is hard because they are officemates)

Is this too much to ask?
For me kase dapat kusa nya nang gawin lahat ito so that I don't need na "diktahan" pa sya..

[mslcgrey]

Sis, a lot of people may tendency na pag lalo mong pinagbawalan eh mas lalo nilang gugustuhin yung bawal. Unless, lilipat ng work yung hubby mo eh for sure he and the girl will have interaction.
Why don't you concentrate on reviving your relationship instead? Do sweet things for him like ipagluto mo siya ng fave dishes niya, i-ready mo na yung damit and gamit niya pag papasok na siya( esp if you don't do this before), go out on dates kahit simple dates like taking a walk, surprise him with a massage,  and others. And for me, the most important thing you can do is use this opportunity for the two of ypu to get closer to God. Regularly attend church services, attend kayo ng mga couple fellowship groups in your religion, study the Bible together, and pray together.
I know parang nakakainis na ikaw na nga ang nasaktan and yet ikaw pa ang mag-eeffort but this is not the time for pride if you really want to make your marriage work.

I hope you and your hubby will make your relationship work.

[evilwoman]

Reasonable naman lahat sa akin.sya nagkasala,sya magadjust (tama ba di natuloy dahil di kinaya ng kunsensya nung kabilang party?!mygas di ko kinaya rason sana sinipa mo.lol) doable naman yung di maging friends (di naman lahat ng nasa opisina dapat friend mo) pero challenge yung bawal magusap.pero may kilala ako mag ex,mula nung nagbreak sila never nagusap kahit sa nature ng work nila e need maginteract everyday.kanya-kanya iwas na lang.nagulat nga ako nung nalaman kong may past sila kasi di ko man lang naisip na magkakilala sila.alam ko basta nagpapasahan lang ng paperwork sa office.lol

[toydoll]

Hello TS,

Alam you are still lucky, only few guys know how to actually ADMIT,, what drove him to ADMIT? may nakita ka ba? naramdaman at sinabi mo sa kanya? or one time, kinausap ka nya at inamin nya? at least di bah meron din palang mga ganyan na madaling makonsensya,, nakakatuwa lang din yun hubby mo na inadmit nya,, di ko lang masyado ma gets ito, kasi most men, kapag nambabae, at natapos na di nalaman ni wifey, eh di na sasabihin di bah,, kundi sakit lang din ng ulo nila kasi paranoid ang kalalabasan ni wifey,,,

as to your demands,, ok naman yung 1 to 3 with, doable naman provided di nila kelangan mag transact ng work related,,, or kundi man dapat ang exception mo ay work related lang ang pwede nila gawin,,, just to ask din sis, nag agree na ba sa yo si hubby?

[Girltalker2]

^ sis halfbloodprincess, naisip ko nga rin about your hubby's admittance. for the list you are asking, it is as if you are "punishing" him for being honest.

The things you are asking should be "innate" in him.  You cannot possibly enumerate all the DONTS that he cannot do. And I agree with him na ginagawa mo na syang puppet for dictating.

Why dont you apologize and change your approach. Just tell him you are so afraid of losing him because he is your life.  Agree ako kay sis mslcgrey, try to revive what you have.  Mas magkaron kayo ng right level of communication and connection.  Mag usap kayo at mag agree kayo na EVERYTHING each of you would do should ensure na hindi makakasira ng relasyon ninyo.

At CHEATING should be a no no sa relationship nyo.  Tell him straight if ever mangyari iyan, you would be ready to walk out in the same way you would accept him to walk out if ever ikaw gumawa nyan.

[maiandra]

^ agree with sis girtalker2. You can't force your husband to those do things if it's not from "the heart" ika nga. Otherwise the changes are just external and would not mean anything has actually changed, although I understand that your requests are precautionary measures from an affair actually happening. But just make sure he agrees wholeheartedly instead of napilitan lang. Baka hindi nya naiintindihan up to what extent his actions caused you pain.

[budzwhiz]

Sus. For me very doable and reasonable naman those three. Baka ang ibig sabihin naman nya kaya sya nagalit na "dinidiktahan" mo sya e because hindi mo na kelangan pang sabihin kasi alam nya ang dapat nyang gawin. Wait mo nalang sis what steps he's going to make, especially para makabawi sayo. But IMO, yang tatlo madali lang yan, at tamang hindi na nga kelangan hingin pa. Kahit last one, because what you're asking for is not something like never talk to her again (mejo imposible yon since magkatrabaho sila).. but you don't have to be friends with your officemates. Besides wala namang matinong asawa na papayag makipag kaibigan pa rin yung asawa nya sa taong halos maging kabit nya. Diba? Talk to your husband nalang ng maayos. Make him understand. He needs to, tutal sya ang may pagkakasala. Goodluck.

[halfbloodPrincess]

thank you guys and gals for all your responses
i appreciate them all!

@mslcgrey-  i know nkakainis talaga yung pinagbabawalan, pero ang point ko sana is i didn't have to tell him all of that kung kusa nya nang gawin. hinintay ko kasi sana na gawin nya pero it looks like wala syang balak gawin so talagang nainis na ako. sinabi ko nang mahinahon at first pero when i saw his face na parang iritable sobrang sumabog na ko at kung ano ano na nasabi ko.

@jonduh- what i meant by "not to talk to her again" is yung mag-usap sila ng personal ulit, kung work related naman walang problema since inevitable yun. they became close daw kasi when they talk a lot sa office especially during nung time na may misunderstanding kami ni hubby. parang nagconfide sila sa isa't isa. si girl din daw kasi may problem sa husband nya so dun sila naging close.

@evilwoman- exactly! gustong gusto ko talga sya sipain hahaha! sabi ni hubby una raw nakunsensya si girl and that's why they decided to end it. when i asked him what if nagpursigi si girl what will he do, is he going to leave me, wala naman sya masagot.. it really hurts..

@toydoll- thank u for asking! haha! hindi ko na dinetalye kasi baka ma-bore ang reader at d ako makakuha ng respones hahah! but since you asked, here goes..

 i noticed kasi that he changed, parang aloof na sya sakin these past few months so i confronted him . at first hindi ako agad nagkahinala na may iba syang girl kasi wala namang kahina hinala sa pag uwi nya from work, same time naman except lang na lately hindi ko na nahahawakan yung celfone nya. so habang nag uusap kami kusa nya na inamin na "he tried" daw na tumingin sa iba (i forgot his exact term). pero hindi daw nya tinuloy. he said na ang problem is ako. matagal daw sya nagtiis sa ugali ko.. i admit i'm medyo mataray talaga at si hubby ang nakakakita ng totoong ugali ko, moody ako and madaling mainis. but i thought na sya lang nakakaintindi sakin. besides, 7 years kaming magbf before we got married. anyway.. af first ayaw nya sabihin kung sino yung girl pero nagimbestiga ako sa facebook account nya and kinalikot ko lahat ng gamit nya (na hindi ko ginagawa before) and found out narin kung sino na wala na syang nagawa kundi umamin. sabi nya nung una December last year paraw sila nagdecide na tapusin what is going on between them but I found 3 hotel receipts- 1 in Dec,1 in Jan and 1 in Feb. He admitted na si girl yung kasama nya pero he insists na nag-usap lang sila which i find it very hard to believe. that's why i said "almost" cheated dahil he denies talaga na nagkaron sila ng sexual relationship. they just needed a private place to talk DAW dahil napapansin na rin sila sa ofis nila.

as for your other question, well, he deleted all of the photos na but i didn't think he did it wholeheartedly. and yung paglike sa facebook posts ni girl sabi nya he won't do it na daw.  but for the 3rd one parang mahirap daw kasi nga ofismates sila.

@Girltalker2 & maiandra - i know that i didn't have to force him.. pero don't you think that kusa nya nalang ginawa dapat un just to appease me? though ginagamit nya kasi as justification yung mga nagawa ko daw kaya nya ginawa yun.

@budzwhiz - thank you! exactly my point haha!

again, thank u for ur thoughts.. right now i'm trying my best to forget what he did and really hope na talagang walang naging sexual relationship sila coz di ko talaga kakayanin na patawarin sya.. it makes me thankful na wala pa kami kids sa ngayon.. and that God has better plans for me.

[halfbloodPrincess]

^ Ahhh hotel room just to...talk? Thrice? Better prepare yourself IF you find out otherwise. And Im speaking as a guy here. Again, from your POV, may issues talaga ang asawa mo about your marriage, but its no excuse to cheat. Your marriage is on a crossroad and both of you should talk and decide how to proceed.

i know right? i told him who in his/her right mind to believe that they checked-in in a hotel room just to talk?  i really would want to believe it.  i desperately want it to be true
infairness naman kasi i never thought of my husband na may tendency na mambabae just because he wanted to.. pag magkasama kami sa labas he never looks at other women talaga. maybe talagang nagtulak lang sa kanya yung naging issues namin but it's really not an excuse to cheat. if he wanted someone to talk to, i told him why not talk to his guy friends? alam naman nya that talking to another woman about problems with your marriage will lead to something na hindi maganda.., but he admitted that he was weak.. i don't really know if i could go on knowing na nakaya nyang gawin yun.

[Eunoia]

He didn't almost cheat sis. He emotionally cheated on you.

You have the right to tell your demands as a wife but not too strict kase maslalong magloloko yan kase he would think na sinasakal mo siya. You have to talk din that you need to fix your relationship TOGETHER. Hindi lang ikaw. If you both need counseling, go.

[Girltalker2]

af first ayaw nya sabihin kung sino yung girl pero nagimbestiga ako sa facebook account nya and kinalikot ko lahat ng gamit nya (na hindi ko ginagawa before) and found out narin kung sino na wala na syang nagawa kundi umamin. sabi nya nung una December last year paraw sila nagdecide na tapusin what is going on between them but I found 3 hotel receipts- 1 in Dec,1 in Jan and 1 in Feb. He admitted na si girl yung kasama nya pero he insists na nag-usap lang sila which i find it very hard to believe. that's why i said "almost" cheated dahil he denies talaga na nagkaron sila ng sexual relationship. they just needed a private place to talk DAW dahil napapansin na rin sila sa ofis nila.

Oh dear. Sis, binabawi ko ang una kong comment.  Kasi sa kwento mo, your hubby sounded HONEST to his mistake.  Kung ganito pala sya kasinungaling, kelangan ka nga magdemand. Pero ang pagdemand mo kasi cannot come with a list as the list can go on and on. And I agree with you, KELANGAN MANGGALING SA KANYA ANG SORRY AT REMORSE.  It is something you cannot force him to do. Kahit pa nagaantay ka na gawin nya, kung hindi nya ginawa, ibig sabihin, it is not in him. 


And tama naman ang discussion about infidelity. Hindi purkit may mali sayo, yun ang solution nya - that is just sooo selfish.  Ngayon na nangaliwa sya, it also does not give you the right to commit adultery.

again, thank u for ur thoughts.. right now i'm trying my best to forget what he did and really hope na talagang walang naging sexual relationship sila coz di ko talaga kakayanin na patawarin sya.. it makes me thankful na wala pa kami kids sa ngayon.. and that God has better plans for me.

Sis, how can you forget kung wala kayong closure.  If he says wala na sila, pero evidences point to the other direction?  Hope lang ba talaga ang magagawa mo?  Or forever kang walang peace of mind at mag iimbestiga?

[vermich]

TS sasabihin ko lang ha, yung sinabi ni hubby mo na you're at fault that's why he did it is just a justification para maging tama or para masabing gumaganti lang sya to hurt you. Walang mali sayo be it kahit nag away pa kayo. All marriages has its ups and downs and it takes two for a marraige to work.

Never naging solution ang cheating be it of any form. Kesyo naging close sa ex/ officemate/ friend/ online friend, kung may issue sa marriage nyo dapat ikaw ang kinakausap hindi naghahanap ng gagawing ka close para makapag release ng tensyon sa marriage. Kahit pa sabihing friends lang sila, basta na-attached, that's where cheating starts.

TS just be ready for the truth, there are still things na hindi nya masabi sayo. I'd suggest you put these  ''rules and regulations'' on pen and paper that both of you will agree on. And be reminded that  you guys are in a marriage. May relapse yan, he did it once he can do it again and again and again.. basta makahanap sya ng avenue why he can do it. At ikaw ang sasabihin nyang may kasalanan most of the time. Pero there is hope na magbago, he admitted his infidelity. You have to be there to help him so hindi na sya maulit. Good luck sis!

[maiandra]

exactly sis, you don't have to do anything, dapat kusa talaga nya yun. and when you said "But he never told me he was sorry for doing it" is a big red flag that something is wrong. As one of gtalkers aquacharly here always say, true remorse and reform, cheating pa yan or almost cheating. Anyway, how do you know he hadn't cheated already? But still, at least he admitted, so...*sigh* I know mahirap.

Anyway, at this point sis, evaluate your relationship. Does he still value and respect you? Did he take things to heart? What did he do to win you back? Aamin sya tapos wala naman sya gagawin after, ano yun?

[jojo2978]

Just be firm, Sis. Tell him na if mag cheat pa siya emotional or sexual, you will walk away. However, you two should go to marriage counselling.

[vermich]

agree ako kay jojo2978, kasal kayo eh eto TS baka makatulong.

http://www.cefam.ph/PastoralMinistry.aspx

I doesn't hurt to inquire pero sana lang kung matuloy kusang loob si hubby na magbago din. Goodluck sis!

[toydoll]

Hello,

Sis TS, sorry pero looks like, this is not "almost" cheated on you, as for me, he cheated on you already, paranoid na din kasi ako and have a very skeptic mind, yung 3 hotel ORs na nakita mo sa things nya, those were very critical,,, but then why would he keep those? or hindi sya naging careful to throw those para di mo nakita,, ang naiisip ko kasi, yung 3 ORs nakita mo from your investigation,, eh pano kung may mga natapon sya??? hay sis,,, sorry ha,, naisip ko lang,, kasi sobrang sinungaling ng mga lalaki,

[quinone]

i agree with mslcgrey, concentrate on your relationship rather than on the things he should not do like planning for vacations and dates. lalong mahirap mag forgive kung ang focus ng moving on e yung mistake pa rin, like yung pagbabantay.

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

hi sis!

yun ang madalas problema, kahit pa gaano kagusto natin or kung ano yung feeling natin na "fair" na gawin nila sa atin, yun pa yung madalas pinaguugatan ng away. kasi yung "fair" for you may seem a ridiculous idea for him.

anyway, ang gusto ko lang sabihin, yung problema niya with being loyal/honest to you, problema niya na yun - siya na ang mananagot sa Diyos nun.

what you can work on, is yung sabi mong tingin mo problem mo, yung temper mo. i am not saying na it is your fault na nagloko siya, ha? sad lang na lahat naman tayo, loved ones natin ang nakakakita ng totoong ugali natin diba? pero dapat sila yung mas nakakaintindi, nakakatanggap sa atin. pero he chose to look at your bad side tapos naghanap na kagad ng mapaglilibangan. siguro for a while nakalimutan niya yung good traits mo.

[glamorosa_09]

Hmmm... I can imagine how your husband's confession must have shocked you, and shook your world and your whole being. The deep issue that I see here is not about whether your demands are being reasonable or not, but on where they are coming from. And it's coming from insecurity, loss of emotional safety, anger, or other emotions brought about by your husband's confession.

I agree with what others said, brace yourself for the months to come. When you posted this, maybe you were still on the "almost cheated" stage, but it looks like it was not "almost." But you can make yourself believe that those "trips to hotel" were just for their counselling sessions as there were no other conducive place to talk to.

What does "infidelity" means to him? Or what does cheating looks like to him? What about yours? One reason that he didn't say he's sorry is maybe because for him, he didn't cheat. Some other men believe that for as long as there was no "love" involved (even if there was sex), there is no infidelity. It'll be difficult for you if you're not on the same page. Part of you maybe is yearning for an apology or remorse, but you won't get it since he doesn't believe that he cheated.

I also agree that you can focus yourself on working on your marriage and on yourself, yet it will be hard to ignore the effect of your husband's "not-so-infidelity" on you. But on the lighter side, at least he was able to somehow opened this up to you, although I'm not sure if it lessens the gravity of what he had done.

It seems like you were giving these demands because you wanted to make sure the end of their "relationship." What's infuriating for you is that he didn't receive it well, moreover, you expected him to initiate it which he didn't. I suggest marriage counseling or guidance from someone for both of you so you could address the issues in your relationship that led to the vulnerability of your marriage, and that you could also address your own issues regarding his relationship with the office mate.

Good luck and be strong.

[sk8rboyswife]

Sis when this happened to me, and i can see "somehow" there's remorse, mahirap pa rin kalimutan because of the inflicted pain na nagawa nila. it's like the damage has been done. for me, it's too much damage. what I did was I emailed her, through her work email since they're also officemates. I also emailed their manager about their affair, attached their pictures. I don't know what happened next, my husband said he talked about it with their manager pero kumalat sa office nila. then few weeks later, I found out the bi4+ch resigned, husband says he doesn't know why kase di na daw sila nag uusap. and the bi4+ch has 2 daughters fyi, and byuda na.

I'm not telling you to do the same. but sis you can do better. if I only had the chance to meet the bi4+ch, gulo talaga! but I'm glad i didn't. keep the class. ako pa nasabihan ng paranoid. but i didn't mind na, it doesn't really matter. what matters now is me and my son. wala na kong pakelam sa hubby kahit ano pang suyo gawin nya ngayon. hahabol habol pa sya. i keep busy with xbox games, laughing hard with friends and doing well at work.