will you be affected if hubby watches porn and looks @ other women?

[ayka]

Dear girltalkers/sisters, I need your opinions on this one.

I've been married for 4 years, without children. My husband had an affair last year (with a colleague) which ended, so to speak. This totally changed my POV when it comes to MEN and MARRIAGE. I was too idealistic. Now I'm more realistic. He wanted out but I begged him to stay, fix things and start over (I had my shortcomings as well). Bottomline is, I chose to forgive him and he chose (or was forced?) to stay with me. Though I know the healing process and the restoration of trust will take time.

We're OK as of the moment. He kisses me and hugs me often. Holds and kisses my hand even when we're just in bed, doing separate things (i.e., internet, reading, etc.). He dropped some of his hobbies/past times to be with me, to be able to come home early always. I didn't ask for that. I even tell him often to go out and/or continue his sport, etc. When I ask him if he loves me, he says yes. When I say "I love you", he replies "I love you" back. He baby talks, like he used to. He even tells me often "You're the best!" And he calls me "Beauty" nowadays, which is now included in his terms of endearment. He buys me gifts, pampers me (i.e., massage, etc).   

Last week was the first time we ever made love after the affair (after more than a year). Nawalan ako ng gana sa kanya eh. So I NEVER initiated lovemaking. And I know he's into online porn, and HE KNOWS I'm aware of that. Whenever I ask him kung bakit ganoon, kung pangit na ba ako sa paningin niya, or kung ganoon siya dahil "nakatikim" na siya ng iba, at hindi na ako ang type niya, he politely responds "Hindi naman sa ganoon. Maganda ka nga eh! Hindi ko din alam, inaway mo lang kasi talaga ako dati eh. Siguro iyon." By "inaway", he means when I was too controlling, nagging and "mapanumbat", reasons he stated for the affair.

The porn issue decreases my self-esteem. He knows that. Pero bakit ganoon? Sabi niya minsan minsan na lang daw niya ginagawa. He actually admits it. And minsan pa when I ask him, he will tell me straightforwardly, "Uy hindi ako nag-porn ngayon ha..." Is this acceptable?

What I'm MORE concerned about is HIS HABIT of searching for and looking at his female colleagues on FB (mostly kasi, Caucasians). Ang ginawa niya kasi, he deactivated his FB account (after the affair). But every now and then, he opens it and then deactivates immediately after. Eh diba, they send you an e-mail whenever you deactivate your FB account, and whenever you open it again? Binubura rin niya those messages para siguro hindi ko malaman that he opened his FB (because he knows I check his e-mails too). What I do is I open his FB as well and deactivate it, then erase the activation e-mails in his inbox so he won't notice/know I was snooping. The last time he was browsing and checking out women was a month ago. I checked his FB this morning, he did it again last night, while I was asleep (you can see the person searched, time and date on the SEARCH page). Samantalang noong naalimpungatan/nagising ako (about 2 hours after his browsing), he was hugging me and kissing me. Bakit ganoon? For the last year, he's done this "browsing" about SIX OR SEVEN times. Yung ibang babaeng tinitingnan niya, hindi naman maganda or sexy. 

I'm thinking baka out of curiosity lang and wala namang malice siguro kaya siya ganoon? Na wala lang naman sa kanya iyon so mas OK na huwag ko na lang malaman? Why does he have to hide it (by deleting the FB activation e-mails)? Dahil ba alam niyang I'm good (actually EXPERT) in snooping and he does not want me to know para hindi na ako magtanong? To avoid confrontation? Kasi he HATES arguing and HATES it whenever I ask him if he's doing it (the browsing) again (syempre I have trust issues na with him). Ang lagi niyang sinasabi "Wala akong ginagawang masama, ha! Iyung-iyo ako." OR baka naman, total he knows I would always snoop on him, he's doing it to look for/check my reaction?

He goes home really early...everyday. And always calls me as he enters, hugs and kisses me, saying "I missed you". But his HABIT is sending me mixed signals.       

Am I too paranoid or is he a pervert??? Is this normal? Ganito ba talaga mga lalake? In that, irregardless of having a history of cheating or having a clean record of being faithful to their wives, they still look at other women (maybe even admire)?


They say weak people revenge, strong people forgive, intelligent people ignore. Should that be the case?

Am I just stressing myself out??? Kasi naisip ko naman, why will he pretend to be happy and affectionate to me if MAY MEANING yung pag-"browse" niya? Hindi naman siya siguro ganoon kasamang tao/asawa? I also thought that if and since I chose to forgive him and love him despite of what he did before, I should be more trusting to his words, his reassurance. But doesn't trust need to be earned? 

Men are more than welcome to comment.

Thanks!

[BDJ]

My hubby is fond of watching porn too which is normal to me and I am not affected with is. Kasi sigurado ako sa kanya on how he loves and appreciate me as a person. To be honest satisfaction niya rin kasi on his own, lalo pa man din ngayon hindi ko magawa kasi preggy ako at ewan ko kung bakit wala akong gana. tapos hindi ko pa mabigay yung satisfaction na hinihingi niya.

Sa case niyo hindi ko alam kung saan talaga nagkakaproblema kasi sa post mo pa lang seems that baka may pagka possesive ka or TH ka parati sa kanya o talagang siya naman ay tumitingin pa sa ibang babae. Although yung pagbaba ng self esteem mo when he watches porn is something baka may malaking issue nga sayo like feeling mo you are less as a person sa hubby mo dahil may mga instances na hindi ka niya pinapahalagahan. Unlike in my case most of the time sobra akong pinahahalagahan at pinakita niya sa akin yung respeto ng hubby ko kaya wala akong pakialam if he watches porn. Baka kasi may some instances na nangyari sa inyo na na encounter mo na like nung minsan ni neglect ka na, take for granted, mas pinahalagahan niya ang ibang babae, nambabae na nung minsan kaya most of the time wala ka nang tiwala o kung ano pang nakakambaba pa ng self esteem mo.

[ayka]

thanks sis BDJ 

The affair was just last year so parang fresh pa rin sa akin yung nangyari. That's why even if I'm trying my hardest to re-build the trust, ang hirap. Kasi parang ako lang ang nag-effort. He even doesn't tell me when he goes out with his colleagues. Nalalaman ko na lang through other people who coincidentally see him. And I don't mention it to him. He doesn't either. Whenever I ask him "Kamusta ang araw mo..?" He'll just say "OK naman", and that's it. No mention of other activities.

Hay, life. 

[sugardrop]

^
One word - TRUST. You still need to work on your trust issues and he needs to work on gaining your trust again.

[castledoll]

ayka, you have to forgive yourself for being the person that you were that gave your husband the "reason" to cheat. Go find yourself. Go on a retreat. Go away for a few days to think, to breathe.

As for him into online porn, was he like this even before the affair? if this happened after the affair, maybe this is his way of "controlling" himself to screw other girls. for a year that there is no contact between you and him (in which you are NOT at fault) and that instead of actually finding real women, he is contented with just watching and then releasing.

there is a very thin line between instinct and paranoia. sometimes you can't even differentiate the two. maybe him activating and searching for his colleagues on fb doesn't mean anything. maybe he is just curious about what's going on with them lately. if you can't really convince yourself that it doesn't mean anything, change his email and fb passwords. talk to him about your true feelings. it would be really unfair on his part if this is just you being paranoid.

 

[ayka]

^
We just had a heart-to-heart the other day (as I cannot contain myself anymore). Basically we just talked about how we can make each other happy and how we can restore the trust in our relationship. He said he doesn't tell me when he's been out with colleagues/friends as he doesn't consider them as significant events, anyway. He even forgets when and where they went. He says he only shares "significant" things that he did, or things that he knows would matter to me. He said he loves me and he's been a good man/husband for months now. I asked him if I can still trust him and he answered a firm YES. So I dropped all of my doubts after that. I didn't ask about the "porn" and FB issue anymore. 

Thanks, sisters! 

[castledoll]

^ men are like that, they are not ma-kwento like us girls na every detail, sinasabi. but since sabi naman nya na he can be trusted again, tama yung decision mo na drop na all the doubts.

[frappysabz]

hi ayka. we have the same issue and buti pa.sa yo naayos na. me, we are still working on it. although iniiwasan na niya ang porn online nahihirapan talaga ako magtrust sa kanya. oo totoo nakakababa ng self esteem. been there. wish malagpasan ko ito.

[brendzy]

Hi sis ayka parang The Legal Wife lang no? anyway, mahirap nga siguro talaga ibalik ang trust. My hubby watches porn before as well, pero ngayon hindi na. We had issues as well before pero wala naming third party, more of misunderstandings, but I believe it may help you too. We met some church elders who counseled us for many weeks, yung mahirap na part is you tell all to your hubby (at sya ganun din sayo) all your insecurities, yung hinala mo at iniisip mo, then forgive and move forward. Moving forward is mas mahirap din, pero leave everything to God, He will heal you. Leave some love for yourself, learn to trust again but don't give everything again. I pray that you will eventually be okay and may your hubby will be 100% honest to you, regardless you see it or not. 

[lalaloopsy]

My hubby naman loves watching porn since weekends lang sya umuuwi samin kasi sa Manila work nya at nasa province kami..  He admits it naman at collection nya pa raw..  sanay na lang siguro ako..  Pero super responsible at bait naman sya samin so porn will do kaysa mambabae sya.. 

[crzysxycl]

May nabasa akong article before na kailangan daw ng men ang masturbation. Yes, kailangan nilang mag release, pero important din daw na mailabas yun through masturbation. Dati hindi ako sanay, just the thought of it, para akong nandidiri hehe, engot kasi ako pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. Masyado akong manang noon, masyadong conservative ang family ko kaya hindi ako familiar sa mga ganung needs ng guys. Pero there are times kasi na pag kailangan ni hubby mag release, ayaw namin mag make love, ito yung times na papalapit na ang mens ko and since TTC kami, iniiwasan namin yun kasi takot kami baka malaglag si baby kung sakaling preggy na ako. Weird no? Pero sabi ng OB ko, hindi naman daw nagiging cause ng miscarriage yun, ewan ko basta ganun takot kami ni hubby e. That way, nagkakaron ng silbi ang porn sa amin.

With regards naman to looking at other women, tipong pag nasa mall kami.. ok lang naman, kasi tumitingin din naman ako pag talagang may gwapo. Open kami sa ganun, though hindi napapag usapan, hindi nalang ginagawang issue kasi sa amin, tingin lang naman yun eh.

[ayami]

Lately lang ako naka move on dito. Siguro nga kinelangan ko lang ng confidence para di na ko maapektuhan hehe. Nung buntis ako at after giving birth, kahit ecchi na manga/anime dati kinaiinsecuran ko. Tingin ko nature na nila yan kaya mahirap na pigilan. Sinasakyan ko na lang kesa mastress pa ko. Pero pag nahuhuli ko sya nag double take sa mall, nagrereact ako kagad. Haha can't help it.

[ayka]

Thanks, everyone!

I could honestly say we're doing better and we are happier now. It helps to control negative thoughts and control the words that want to come out of my mouth. EXTRA patience really helps. He hasn't been watching porn recently and quite frankly, I don't care anymore if he does. At least hindi naman niya abot-kamay yung mga babae doon. And he needs release nga, since he told me he's STILL WARMING UP to me. Which I'm glad he shared, because it's difficult for him to express his feelings. 

With regards to looking at other women when we're out and about, I've learned to accept it. Dahil madalas pala nilalait niya. LOL. Just 2 weeks ago I've heard him comment, "Ang pangit naman nun" or "Ang baduy naman nun". So keber na lang. Though there are times talaga na magaganda yung mga nakikita namin pareho. I could honestly say I'm not that affected anymore. Pati ako nakikitingin na rin. Hahaha! But I was surprised when he told me that he catches men staring at me, too, even when we're together. 

[glamorosa_09]

padaan....

May nabasa akong article before na kailangan daw ng men ang masturbation. Yes, kailangan nilang mag release, pero important din daw na mailabas yun through masturbation.

There is a natural way for release, it's called "wet dreams." If a man is practicing chastity within marriage or not, makakapag-release sya kahit walang masturbation. That said, it isn't true that men need masturbation for the sake of release; but to attain sexual pleasure, oo.

Kung masama o hindi ang masturbation, depende na sa paniniwala ng mag-asawa.

@ayka

It's good to hear that you and your hubby are doing okay. But at the onset of revelation or of discovery, wala bang drama, like hindi ka ba nagwala, o lumuha ng dugo, o sinunog ang bahay niyo. It seems to me that, it has been easy for your husband to get away with what he has done.

Infidelity is a traumatic event, and I get the impression that you're minimizing its effect on you, so he won't leave you. That's why you begged him to stay. Some men learn their lessons the hard way, with your husband, giving him the benefit of the doubt, sana he learned agad.

But anyways, every marriage is different, every couple has a different coping style. So I wish, na magtuluy tuloy ang improvement ng marriage ninyo. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be vigilant.

[ayka]

padaan....

There is a natural way for release, it's called "wet dreams." If a man is practicing chastity within marriage or not, makakapag-release sya kahit walang masturbation. That said, it isn't true that men need masturbation for the sake of release; but to attain sexual pleasure, oo.

Kung masama o hindi ang masturbation, depende na sa paniniwala ng mag-asawa.

@ayka

It's good to hear that you and your hubby are doing okay. But at the onset of revelation or of discovery, wala bang drama, like hindi ka ba nagwala, o lumuha ng dugo, o sinunog ang bahay niyo. It seems to me that, it has been easy for your husband to get away with what he has done.

Infidelity is a traumatic event, and I get the impression that you're minimizing its effect on you, so he won't leave you. That's why you begged him to stay. Some men learn their lessons the hard way, with your husband, giving him the benefit of the doubt, sana he learned agad.

But anyways, every marriage is different, every couple has a different coping style. So I wish, na magtuluy tuloy ang improvement ng marriage ninyo. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be vigilant.

thanks, sis glamorosa_09!

When I found out about the affair, of course nagwala ako. I wasn't able to contain myself- the hurt, frustration, the betrayal. And he immediately wanted to leave. As in, leave the country for good and never go back (as he has a home overseas, with his mom). So parang wala na rin siyang paki dun sa kabit*h, basta he just wants to leave everything behind. His mom and my parents spoke to him. Although after that, it was of course up to us to decide if we'd separate ways or work on our marriage. We've had lots of drama a few months after the discovery of the affair. But it was after ONE major drama of mine that he decided to stay and work on our marriage. We're doing good so far. He told me I can trust him and he's not doing anything anymore to jeopardize our relationship/marriage. So I let go of all my doubts after that.

However, I changed. I am NOT THAT emotionally dependent on him anymore. Yun bang tipong, I have started to work on my own happiness and peace of mind. I've stopped behaving in a way which he'll perceive as trying to "control" him. Ang ginawa ko, sometimes I do activities on my own, like shopping, watching a movie, etc. I pray a lot, and I pray for him. And he noticed that I've been quiet for a time now. Kasi most of the time, I still think of what happened and I get really sad and just keep quiet. Napapansin niya siguro that's why out of the blue, he will just kiss or hug me. Or tell me how beautiful I am. And that I am "the best", and have always been his only one. He misses me every day. That he can't live without me. And that he's sorry. Honestly I don't care that much anymore about the complements, just as long as he's loyal to me. And NOW, frankly speaking, parang siya na ang natatakot na hiwalayan ko. Because there are times that he'll ask me, "Do you still love me?" with a sad face. Bilog talaga ang mundo. I'm more cautious now and the next time he cheats on me (if he will), it's goodbye for good. I've decided on it already.

I'm not saying that I've forgotten everything- all the horrible things that happened between us. It's just that I decided to hop on the train of the healing process. As we both decided to work on ourselves and our marriage, I refuse to be miserable along the way.

As they say, "Healing does not mean that the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives."