confused wife

[JARL]

hi ladies,

I have been a lurker on this site for quiet some time and it is just now i have decided to register and post my own story and hopefully you can enlighten me or give me some advice.

I am married for almost 6 years now and settled and living with my husband in other country. We were not blessed with a biological child and we're not really trying to conceive actually due to health reasons on my husband part. I know in my heart I do love to have children of my own but because i love my husband so much I accepted the situation that it might not be possible for us to have one. But last 2011, a special blessing came to us there was a baby boy left in my mom's house and we took the baby in our care.

To make the long story short, the baby is now 3 yrs old and we are still trying to sort out his adoption papers so he can join us here but i think it will be ages before that will be finalized. At the moment my parents are the one looking after the baby.

I just wanted to ask for your opinion ladies, I do really wanted to become a mom and I think this will be my chance or it's the universe way of telling me that I can be one..Am I being selfish if I leave my husband and move back to the Philippines to be with my adopted son?My husband is poorly and partly dependent on me and we cant move back in the Philippines together just yet. 

[sarah29]

I think your number 1 priority right now should be your marriage, and your husband. Naiintindihan ko na you might want to be apart from him kase nga gusto mo magadopt - but kung magccause to ng drift sa marriage nyo, or yung ikakahirap ng asawa mo yung pagalis mo - the please reconsider. Just imagine if it was the other way around. But then again, syempre nasa sa inyo yan. Kausapin mo din si hubby mo and ask him what he thinks.

[castledoll]

asa US ka ba, sis?

why didn't you take care of the adoption papers when you first got him? Anyways, I am not advising you to leave your husband. I know you're longing for a child pero like you said, you love your husband so much and you already accepted your situation. Tiis tiis na lang muna. Hinde din naman madali para sa husband mo yung situation e. before you decide, try putting yourself in hubby's shoes and maybe you'll find answers while you're in his shoes. And yes, talk to your husband din.

Even if it will take years bago nyo pa makasama yung baby, at least malaki yung chance na makasama nyo. If you decide to just come home in the Philippines, what kind of future awaits for your baby and your family?

[MaitaOfMakeupOnDemand]

A priest once told us that when it comes to a choice between your husband and your child, you must choose your husband. The logic, he said, is that your husband is your choice and while your child is a gift from God. It is then God's prerogative to give or take away that gift. It's pretty harsh and I know it's easier said than done.

My opinion is for you to stay with your husband because your child is being taken care of by your parents. Because he was left at your doorstep, his adoption papers can only be fixed when he is seven years old. It is only then that you can claim that he was abandoned and that he was in your family's care for seven years.

Is it not possible for both you and your husband to come to the Philippines to be with your child?

[sugardrop]

I am not in a very good position to advise what you should do since I do not know exactly how you feel and what's going on in your mind. But can you really abandon your husband in such a state? You said he has health problems. Can you really abandon him when he's partly dependent on you as you have stated? It's understandable that you want a child but given the circumstances, can't you sacrifice a little and be a little more selfless by staying by your husband's side muna?

And I agree with everyone who said you should discuss it with your husband first.

[imbisibol_]

.Am I being selfish if I leave my husband and move back to the Philippines to be with my adopted son?

100% selfish, yes.  your marriage vow mentioned something about "in sickness and in health."  wanting to become a mother to the three year old is noble, but you're not a single person that can just up and leave.  what if the tables were turned, and your husband wanted to run off with the circus, can he just do that and do away with the vow he promised to you?

[princessrio]

leaving him behind, who's he going to depend on?  even if you talk to him about this (and if he agrees that you move back to philippines), you might be giving him the idea that he is not worth it or your marriage isn't worth it since he is the reason why you can't have a child and you are choosing an adopted child over him.

[Ma.Jewel_1987]

   I don't think its a good plan to leave your husband behind just because you wanted to feel how to be a real mother, its too selfish sis, did it even cross your mind if how your husband would feel? He doesn't have the capacity to give you a kid and you are leaving him to tend to your adopted child, pwedi naman siguro bakasyon lang but not for long, kawawa naman si hubby mu baka mag self pity ng bongga    Ikaw sis sino at ano ba mas mahalaga sayo?

[Chakadoll22]

hi sis! i know your in a difficult situation but since you asked a question, my answer is yes, it is selfish to do that. even if you're longing for a child, even if you're tired sometimes, he is your husband. you have to put yourself in his shoes.

when we enter marriage, we have vows. and we have to honor those vows. as mentioned by our other sissies, you are first and foremost a wife. being a mom would be secondary if ever.

[castledoll]

Because he was left at your doorstep, his adoption papers can only be fixed when he is seven years old. It is only then that you can claim that he was abandoned and that he was in your family's care for seven years.

I was never aware of that kind of processing. I thought that since nobody is claiming, they can file for adoption right away.

If that's the case, DSWD is supposed to be involved, right? I mean, they don't have legal papers to prove that they did not kidnap the child. or something. I just see on the news that with similar circumstances, even if the adopted parents are capable, they have to give the child to DSWD until proper parers are filed.

[aquacharly]

Yes, the DSWD must be involved. But generally, the kid remains with the family that cares for it currently.  Adoption takes about 2 years, through the courts. 

JARL, if it's a choice between your husband & that kid: choose your husband.  He is your husband, & you have responsibilities as his wife; whereas, the kid is not your responsibility, really -- you just want to make it your responsibility.  Plus, your husband needs you, the kid doesn't really -- yes, it needs someone to bring it up, but it doesn't have to be you. 

[MaitaOfMakeupOnDemand]

^^ castledoll, yes that's the case. We have five adopted children within my family (my own and in the extended family). Those children whose parents we knew have had adoption papers since the day they were born because the mother was able to sign papers that she was giving up the child for adoption. Those children already carry our name. For others, we had to wait until they were seven to claim abandonment, though they have been in our care since they were babies.

Adoption doesn't necessarily take two years. In our case, the child was directly entrusted to us by the mothers as soon as they were born. So the legal papers were straightforward. If adopting the child through DSWD, it could take longer as there is a process of matching children with families and checking if you are capable of raising a child.

[castledoll]

^ I have a friend and they have an adopted baby boy. the baby boy was left in the hospital by the mom. I think the kid stayed in the hospital for 3 more weeks just in case somebody would come and claim him. 3 weeks had passed, the doctors said to my friend that they should just take the baby home with them. Where should they file papers for adoption when they can't find the kid's mom?

[MaitaOfMakeupOnDemand]

^ I'm no longer sure of the procedure. It has been 18 years since we adopted our last baby in the family. But the short answer to that question is, the baby cannot carry their name until after 7 years and cannot adopt the baby without the birth mother. Best sis, is to get a copy of the family code, meron niyan sa national bookstore, kasi baka updated na.

Medyo off-topic na tayo... :-) sorry to TS

[toydoll]

sometimes, we really need to realize, and asked ourselves this ultimate question... "what will make me truly happy?" without of course hurting anyone in the process,,, ang hirap minsan mag decide,, pero pag titignan natin, we will only pass this road once,, and hindi na pwede pa balikan,,,,

[aquacharly]

My BFF adopted a girl given to her by a single (disgrasyada) mom, when the baby was just 2 months old.  They went through the courts & DSWD (though the baby was with them all the time & her records carried their surname). Took 2 years. 

The old shortcut, register the child at the time of birth as the adopting parents' child.  Tapos ang  cuento.