money money money

[chubbelita]

 hi. been married for 6 years, masaya kami pero syempre may away parin talaga and usually those aways are laging about money. so ngayon, we have been fighting nanaman cause his mom is asking money cause nasira daw yung pampasada nila which is yung only source of income nila. so this has been resolved na.sabi nya, hindi daw sya magpapadala sa kanila for 6 months equivalent dun sa money to fix yung pampasada. kaso when i asked him again kanina, nagiba nanaman lumaki yung amount na papadala nya so i asked "mga 10 months ka di papadala?" then he answered "depende pag nakaluwag". seriously??? so i went ballistic on him nanaman tapos he said bayad daw toh sa paaral sa kanya. what??

brief history:
1. his mom was a caregiver sa ibang bansa noon, dad died when he was still young.
2. his 2 siblings are still living with his mom. and umaasa parin financially sa mom, 1 has 4 kids already, 3 also living with them. the other sibling is the one driving their pampasada, mabisyo and sugarol.
3. my hubby is the only one nakatapos, working student sya till third year college tapos simula third year. his mom and titas helped him sa tuition fee na
4. medyi okay financially family ko, my parents still help us every way they can.

my problem.
seriously? sinisingil sya ng mom nya sa paaral sa kanya? and lagi nalang ba aasa his siblings na walang kinabukasan sa mom nya na lagi ring nanhihingi? and unfair yun, my parents help us every way they can tapos magbibigay lang din kami money sa family nya.

i don't know if ako mali dito. please enlighten me. criticisms/suggestions are all welclme thanks!

[m_lim]

tanong ko:

hindi mo alam ganyan family set up niya ago kayo kinasal?

hindi mo tinanong kay hubby noon ano ba plano / preference niya pag dating sa pera bago kayo kinasal?

[chicafabulosa]

Sa e questiom with sis m_lim and also are you sure sinisingil ng mom nya. Baka what he meant was to pay back lang his utang na loob.

You're only responsibility is your parents dear not your siblings same goes sa hubby mo. Now if he helps his mom, its is right lang but you also have a point when saying up to what point rin lang since you have your own family already. As for his siblings and nephews and nieces, not your problem anymore.

That is the same scenario with my family. We only take the responsibility to my mom. She has her monthly allowance from me and hubby now if she exceeds because she gave it to my brother's family, now its not our problem anymore and we made clear of that. The only time we will help my brother's family is when there is an "emergency" meaning life and death. But if its tuition fee, meralco and all, aba they can save and work for that no.

Maybe the problem with you and your hubby is that you did not put the limitation of your responsibility to his family. Try to talk to your husband lang about that. But be sure na mahinahon kayo both and di kayo magtataasan ng boses. Walang di naaayos pag pinag usapan ng maayos

[mc21]

...Ang mahulang ay di dapat nagkukwenta ng gastos sa anak.
...Nor, maningil ng gastos sa paaral sa anak.
...Responsibilidad ng magulang na palakihin, paaralin ng maayos ang mga anak.
...walang hihinging kapalit.

...magulang ka na rin sis, alam mu yan. wag ka umasa na may kapalit ang ginagawa mu sa mga anak mu now.

[imbisibol_]

so i went ballistic on him nanaman tapos he said bayad daw toh sa paaral sa kanya. what??

his mom probably did not say that outright about getting back what she spent on your husband's education.  what it sounds to me is your husband is still very attached to his family.  nothing wrong with that.  i realize it's a hard situation to be in, but do not fight about it or blame your husband or make him choose a "side".  you'll only antagonize him more.  to him, you'll be the person who wants to make him turn his back on his own mother.   

rather- you two should be on the same side.  write it down on paper, show him your finances, ask him how you both can tackle the situation and still have enough for your own needs.

you realize that no matter what, he's still going to help his mother.  you'll just end up being the enemy.

and unfair yun, my parents help us every way they can tapos magbibigay lang din kami money sa family nya.

the situations may be opposites, but it's hardly unfair.  your parents are not obligated to help you, but they choose to.  we can't compare this to the other family that can't help since their circumstances dictate that they can't.  now if the other family was wallowing in (or had enough) money and do not help you out now and then- then that's a direct comparison.  you can cry unfair then.

these are the cards your husband's family has been dealt with.  notwithstanding your lazy siblings-in-law, IF the situation was reversed, would you readily turn your back on your mother if your husband says not to help her?

[April30]

I feel for you sis chubbelita.  In a way ganyan din kami ng situation ni hubby. Though may mga work naman siblings nya pero sa hubby ko pa rin nakaasa. Hubby ko lang kasi ang may maayos na work.Ang kinasasama ko lang ng loob eh bakit mas inuuna pa nya family nya kesa sa min ng mga anak nya. Hindi ko naman masabi sa kanya na tumanggi naman Kung wala talagang maibigay. Come moment pa nga na nag-away kami at sinabi nya na ako ang pahirap sa kanya. Until nanawa na ako, and told him lahat ng sama ng loob ko. Sa ngaun maayos naman na sya magbigay ng para sa amin ng mga anak nya. He knows now that our needs should be his priorities.

[mizzybebz]

Opposite naman tayo sis chubbelita.

Ako yung may problem sa finances sa family ko. My mom kasi nabaon sa utang tapos nawalan pa ng work. Kaya for years na ako talaga ang tumutulong. Talagang nagpapakahirap ako para maka-tulong lang.

Sa side naman ni husband, may kaya sila. Wala sila problem sa pera. Most of the time, parents niya tumutulong samin.

Good thing naman alam ni husband 'to. Minsan nag-aaway lang kami kasi naaawa siya sakin at sinasabi niya na bigyan ko na raw ng break yung sarili ko. Parang ganun.

Dun sa sinabi ng husband mo sayo na pambayad sa pagpapaaral sa kanya, I don't think sinabi yun ng mom niya directly sa kanya. Nasabi niya lang yun kasi yun yung na-fifeel niya at grateful siya sa mom niya dahil nakapag-aral siya. Ako kasi, honestly, wala sinasabi mom ko sakin na NEED ko siya tulungan. Pero para bang I feel obliged na gawin yun kasi saming magkakapatid, ako lang nakatikim ng magandang buhay kasi mayaman kami nun.

Sana don't feel bad na about your husband helping and your mother-in-law na. Besides, nung kinasal kayo ni husband, mom mo na rin siya. Ang masuggest ko na lang is talk to your husband, pakita mo lahat ng income and expenses niyo plus target savings. Mag-decide kayo on how much can you give sa mom niya.

[princessrio]

my take on your post..

1. i don't think your mil said that to your husband. wala naman atang ibang malalapitan si mil kundi kayo e. would you rather have mil na mangutang sa iba (at magkainteres pa) and in the end eh kayo din ang magbabayad? kung hindi mapapagawa yung jeep, may iba pa bang pagkakakitaan si mil?

2. please do not compare your family to that of your husband's. magkaiba sila e. mil has a lot in her hands. be thankful that you are still being supported by your family.

3. support your husband. if that is his way of helping or giving back or sharing his blessing, be there for him. you can always sit down, talk things over and compute. as long as hindi compromised ang savings and needs nyo and there are extra, bukal sa loob na tumulong.

4. kung umaasa man ang SILs/BILs mo kay mil, it's none of your business. kaya mo bang pagsabihan si mil na pabayaan or wag na tulungan ang mga anak nya? hindi di ba? so, leave it as is and do not burden yourself with their lives.

[aquacharly]

Yan ang culture natin, you just gotta accept it that he will help his family.

Find a better approach, do not make the pagtulong  sa family nya as The Issue. Ikaw lalabas madamot, not ok.
Focus on Your Family finances as The Issue.  Ano ba requirements nyo now and target savings?
Use the numbers as your aid. 
Or, parang hindi naman ganon ka bigat ang cut into your family expenses --  why not ask him to ask his mom to expect the regular allowance after a year, instead of 10 months??  If what he will give is equivalent to 10months -- eh, como up front in advance yung amount, baka puede after 12 or 16 months re-start his mom 's allowance?

Tell your husband that you must both have financial discipline.  He must give an allowance only for his mom, yung iba eh hwag nya na intindihin. 
(pero oo nga, kung ako parents mo -- ma grrrr ako talaga).

[shegie_285]

From personal experience:

1) When I left the Philippines, I realised how hard it is to work abroad. My dad is a seaman at naisip ko mas nakakalungkot na mag-isa lang siya. Ako I live abroad because my husband is foreigner so may family ako dito. But nalulungkot pa din ako so what more kung walang family. So now all I want to do is to give back to my family especially to my dad na nagpakahirap magtrabaho para bigyan kami ng magandang buhay.  Your husband probably feels the same.

2)  Hubby and I talk about finances. I need to explain the Filipino culture na nagbibigay sa family. But I could understand where you are coming from dahil si hubby sinasabi lagi na we need to save for our future family and that should be our priority. I understand that, so priority namin is us.  However, my mom is very generous, pinag-aral mga kapatid nya hanggang mga pinsan ko so I have that trait din. I do not need to send money home at the moment, I send money home but its bayad utang sa mom and dad ko, but I told hubby na I will send the same amount to my parents forever, lalo na pag retired na dad ko.  My dad is very good din, he never questioned yung pagtulong ng mom ko sa mga kapatid nya at pinsan ko, pera ng dad ko yun.

3) We help people who work hard and nagsisikap. Kung ang mga kapatid is wala naman ginagawa nakakainis talaga tulungan. Pero kung nagsisikap naman, siguro be open minded to help and just be thankful that you are in the position to give.

[shael12345]

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