Dealing with a "brutally honest" friend

[orangerain]

Hi ladies! I have a friend who seems to enjoy criticizing me. As in every time she sees me, she always has something bad to say about me.

"I like this other person's photos than yours." (she says this despite knowing that I dreaming and training to be a photographer)
"You gained weight."
"Your dress doesn't look good on you."
"Ang laki ng puson mo!"
"Ay, you have a pimple."

Ang masama dyan, when she criticizes me, she also gets other people's attention so they'd see what she's talking about. She always says that I should understand because she's brutally honest because she's a true friend. But then, do friends make other friends feel bad all the time?

I'm especially sensitive about the weight comments because I was bullied in gradeschool for my weight. The fact that she's bringing it up, although I've lost weight already (but not bikini model sexy), makes me feel bad about myself.

My question is, am I just being overly sensitive or is she the toxic kind of friend that I should let go of?

[cecilydee]

is she your bestfriend? if yes, the answer to that is being brutally honest din to your friend.

"I dont like the way you talk to me...as if you were not my friend"
"I dont wanna hear your criticism, it doesnt help me at all"
"Can you stop being NEGA for once?"

LOL. Harsh but seriously that's what I usually do but then again thats how I am known by my friends - I am upfront and honest but if your friends know you as being softspoken, I guess what you can do is..

Avoid this toxic person at all. There are a lot of positive people out there dont settle for this one friend or or...when she criticizes you, prepare for a rebuttal. "Ay nagsalita ang hindi malaki ang puson" or "Nagsalita ang maganda!" wala lang just act as if its a joke. If she is offended, then maybe she is insecure and not really a friend at all...

[ohcmon]

IMO, being brutally honest and tactless are two different things.

Brutally honest ako and my friends love me for it. I dislike sugarcoating the truth kasi, and if you asked me for advice, I will give you the truth que umiyak ka o magalit ka, but I don't give out unsolicited remarks (especially negative) lalo na 'pag hindi ko ka-close.

Talk to your friend if you can, tell her how her snide comments make you feel inferior and you despise that. If it doesn't work, then I agree with cecilydee, barahin mo your friend 'pag naooffend ka sa kanya. 'Pag nagalit siya, that's when you know she's not "brutally honest" -- bet ka lang talaga niyang laitin.

[xtine]

I am brutally honest with my friend but I always tell them in a joking way so we still laugh.  Likewise, I am honest about myself to them like "oh look! i have huge puson than yours, but your face is bigger than mine so we're quits." haha something like that. 

It all depends on how the "honesty" was executed.  They can be brutally honest without sounding mean and degrading.  Its on the intention of the speaker whether she wants to degrade or just to suggest something for improvement.

[angeleigh]

why are you friends with her in the first place? If you are not that kind of person who can tolerate such attitude, eh di better na lumayo ka na lang.

[pret_ty68]

Baka akala nya ok lang sayo di nya naman siguro alam na na o offend ka. Tell her what you feel if she is a true friend she will understand you and will stop.

[orangerain]

@cecilydee - No, she is not my best friend. I like your suggestions. My husband actually said that I should do that. Problem lang, wala talaga sa nature ko maging brutally honest. I know how it feels to be criticized, so I try not to point out not-so-nice things about people. Right now what I'm doing is lessening my interaction with her. Actually nagparinig na siya na I just can't handle the truth. Not sure where all that anger is coming from though.

@angeleigh - We were okay at first eh. Kaso napansin ko later on na naging ganun na siya.

@ohcmon, @xtine - I'll be okay sana kung ganun siya with everyone. But what I noticed is (even my husband noticed after hanging out with me and her for a day) that she's only "brutally honest" towards me. With other people, kahit sobrang mataba pa yan, she'd still compliment them. Kaya bigla akong napaisip.

@pret_ty68 - I should talk to her ano? I guess I was avoiding the talk because I was scared she'd get angry. But then I think I have to talk to her; perhaps to find out na rin if the friendship is really worth keeping.

[akthung]

@ohcmon, @xtine - I'll be okay sana kung ganun siya with everyone. But what I noticed is (even my husband noticed after hanging out with me and her for a day) that she's only "brutally honest" towards me. With other people, kahit sobrang mataba pa yan, she'd still compliment them. Kaya bigla akong napaisip.

classic case sis. she's envious of you whether she knows it or not. people who look down on others usually are envious. same thing with giving compliments and flattery.

mababa pa yan. meron pang namimigay ng compliments pero may pasimpleng insulto. and in your case she drags everyone with her when she is "brutally honest" with you.

now that you realized that she's doble kara. then you should do something about it. since she's not your best friend, why are you hanging out with her? may kailangan ka ba?

because if she can't respect you, kausapin mo at dumistansya ka na lang.

Problem lang, wala talaga sa nature ko maging brutally honest. I know how it feels to be criticized, so I try not to point out not-so-nice things about people. Right now what I'm doing is lessening my interaction with her. Actually nagparinig na siya na I just can't handle the truth. Not sure where all that anger is coming from though.

she's a pseudo bully. she'll drag everyone to her side, imho you should stand up to her. at least give her a piece of your mind. you have to man up.

[pret_ty68]

@pret_ty68 - I should talk to her ano? I guess I was avoiding the talk because I was scared she'd get angry. But then I think I have to talk to her; perhaps to find out na rin if the friendship is really worth keeping.

Sa tingin ko sis you should talk to her and to give her also the benefit of the doubt. May mga tao kasi na pag hindi sila nakakakita na nag re resist ang tao sa ginagawa nila kinakaya nila gaya nga nang sabi mo bakit sayo lang ginagawa bakit sa iba hindi. Baka kasi sa tingin nya kaya ka nya at ok lang sayo. Siguro mas maganda na kausapin mo sya once halimbawa may sinabi na naman sya na hindi mo nagustuhan sabihan mo lang na parang pabiro na "alam mo nakakainis ka na nakaka offend ang mga comment mo akala mo siguro ok lang sa akin"  yung parang ganyan tapos pag naging defensive sya at nagalit wag mo na patulan at least alam mo na talaga na you should avoid her.

[DianeShishio]

I am a brutally honest friend...

I'm the type who will pull you to the side and say...

"Bakat yung ano mo sa jeans mo..."
"Do you use something for your feet? Medyo may smell pag nag-aalis ka ng shoes..."
"Talagang ganyan yung makeup mo? (grungy look/panda eyes) Lika ayusin natin"
"May ginagamit ka for pimples?"
"dude, yung nose hair medyo nakalabas..."

Whenever I do this, in private lagi and always followed by suggestions to make it better, and I mean ALWAYS. Ganun naman ang goal ng criticism. I'm very particular when it comes to scent and anything na nakikita sa face kasi unang-unang napapansin ito ng mga tao. I do this din to save them the shame of having someone else point it out in public (or random stranger)

I recently helped a friend to prevent his "baskil" (excessive underarm sweating) moments and he is extremely happy about it.

I also suggested my skin care regimen to a classmate who is suffering from acne, she promised to try it pag di nag-work yung current treatment niya. She wasn't offended and told me all of the things she has done to prevent her acne flare ups.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now, is your friend actually your friend? I don't think so. Tactless nga siya, hindi honest. She's a fault finder, whatever her reasons are, kung apektado ang self-esteem mo at nababastos kana, iwasan mo siya. (or if you really feel like rubbing the win in her face, talbugan mo. lol)

I have a relative who does the same thing, every single time na magkita kami "tumaba ka" ang bukambibig niya, samantalang mataba naman siya sakin. I just try to avoid her as much as possible :/

[ysa.belle]

@orangerain, hindi true friend yan. malamang inggit siya sa iyo kaya bitter siya. better nalnag if iwasan mo siya para you wont get your feelings hurt. you do not deseve nega people na ganyan sa life mo

[orangerain]

akthung, pret_ty68, DianeShishio, ysa.belle - Thank you, all, for the replies! Your comments have really helped me decide about what to do next. You are all right: What am I doing hanging out with a person who makes me feel bad? Right now, I'm avoiding "hanging out" with her. I'm going to be honest here, I don't want a confrontation - but if she strikes at me again, I promise not to keep quiet about it.

[angelzero]

sis orangerain, just to add and validate our other sisses' opinion, yup that friend is just insecure. it would be just right to pull away from her. i have a friend, although not as bad as yours, subtle sya mamuna. she does it with a bit of humor kaya hindi halata pero i feel na sa kin lang sya ganun. there was an incident in the past na una kong nakita yung pagka insecure nya sa kin. buti na lang ngayon she lives far away so i don't have to see her often. i feel that if we hung out a lot more baka mas lumala pa sya sa kin at baka iniwasan ko na sya. right now, ok naman kami.

sis, try mo rin mang pranka minsan sa kanya pag grabe na. ako di ko rin personality mambara ng tao pero pag sumusobra na i have to stand up for myself.

[graZiousa]

grabe naman kung makacomment yang friend mo sis ha.. harsh! magkaibigan nga kayo pero dpat maging sensitive din sa pwede mong maramdaman, sabihin mo rin na sobra naman sya kung makacomment. For me sis, there is always a good way to say things naman kasi.. So if ganyan si friend, parang hindi naman healthy na laging ganyan. as in ha, grabe mga comment nya. Parang ang perfect nya kaya, naisip ko lang.. kausapin mo yan sis, sabihin mo rin na nakakaofend na sya..

[slickchick]

pa-join mga sis..

sis orangerain (TS), just want to share my inputs also as some of my friends call me brutally honest. i'm brutally honest/frank because when they ask me questions about themselves or about my POV on certain things, i give them straightforward answers. NO kung no talaga. Yes kung Yes. though I warn them beforehand na baka brutal ang dating.. so advance apology na.. at least i'm being honest, and they ask for it. BUT, I only speak my mind whenever my close friends ask for my honest opinion. if you're not that close with that so-called friend, and you're not asking her opinion, but she freely comments, then i think something's wrong with your situation. try to be frank din with that so-called friend. ako kasi, since I'm honest/frank with my friends, somehow, my close friends can also be frank sa akin. i also agree sis, with the comments of one our sisses here - nasa pagkakasabi rin ng comment yan. ako kasi when I give my straightforward comments, i usually tell it to my friend kapag kaming 2 lang. para hindi sya mapahiya sa harap ng ibang tao. i  also give her suggestions to address the problem, para at least we'll be ending the conversation on a positive note.

i agree with your decision to stop hanging out with her. if she values your friendship, she'll notice that you've distanced yourself from her, then hopefully, magtatanong sya dapat. however, if she doesn't make any move, alam mo na... just my opinion sis.. 

[molybdenumstudios]

@orangerain: I think that "brutally honest" kuno friend of yours is actually INGGIT and INSECURE on you. Hindi kalaunan, chronic complainer pa siya kapag kasama ka.

I suggest you burn bridges. Sounds harsh, but I guess she's being toxic and NEGA towards you. You deserve friends who will criticize you constructively in a joking way. (:

Being brutally honest is okay, but manifesting that attitude on a daily basis is nonetheless cringe-inducing. Usually, I avoid those kind of people since they do not deserve me at all. As a matter of fact, nakaka-relate ako sa'yo mainly because these "friends" usually take sides with the enemy rather than the person they're friends with.

[iwannabeasupermodel]

i dont mind the being brutally honest part but the gathering attention sucks. tsaka well medyo insensitive naman siya. being called on once is enough.

[mooncake and leaves]

give her a dose of her own medicine. nitpick her looks din and call everyone's attention to it. maiba lang.

seriously, baka your friend is like that because that's how her parents are towards her. madalas ganyan eh. i don't think your friend is brutally honest. i think she's just plain mean. if you don't want to stop being friends with her, just be straight with her and tell her she's being a b*tch.

[molybdenumstudios]

@orangerain: If your friend's brutally honest but compliments others, napaka-plastic niya. Probably she's really insecure about you, maybe because you are better-looking than her, and more successful. Siguro failure siya sa buhay kaya ganun.

[lisse]

My close friends know me for fighting fire with fire - but friendly fire, lol!

For example, if I were in your situation, like she thinks I look fat in my dress and called everyone's attention to it while criticizing me, I would reply "you know, I feel so sorry for you. need mo pa ng tulong nila just to validate your opinions. do u even have your own? but don't worry, I'm a friend and I totally understand your pain and problem. I will help you get over it." with matching himas sa braso, sad look and shake ng head. works all the time, at least for me. nada-divert tuloy interests ng mga tao around us sa kung anong psychological problem meron si "friend" haha! and then syempre deny-deny, ako naman si loka, will just nod and smile, and say "yes...yes...really? awww..." just to totally make her feel that whatever she's doing is just making her look bad instead of me feeling embarrassed.

so far, effective naman siya sakin. just sharing.

but always keep in mind, "nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent".