Newlywed and our marriage seems like it's already failing

[clairerizzo4444]

Hi mga sis and bros!! Please please I need your help  I dont have any friends so wala akong mapagsabihan ng marriage problem ko kaya nagpunta ako dito or else maloloka na ako.  Me and my husband just got married a year ago and I feel like it's coming to an end. Wala pa kameng kids.  As we all know ladies, lahat ng guys very sweet at the beginning of the relationship because they're trying to win our hearts right.  So long story short, my very romantic and sweet husband now turns into a cold, walang-pakialam na lalaki and it hurts me so much.  Before, we used to go out a lot, go to dinner weekly, movies and stuff.  Since we got married and moved in together, wala na naging lazy na siya.  He's always on his ipad watching movies.  Ang masaklap pa nito, we feel like room mates.  He spends his time in the bedroom at ako naman sa kabilang room.  On our days off, we usually see each other pag kakain.  Kadalasan pa hindi kame natutulog magkatabi.  I brought up this issue to him and as usual, he sees nothing wrong with what's going on.  He keeps on saying lahat ginagawa ko for you.  Ok sige but I have to ask him first.  Like if I want to cuddle, I have to ask every time or kung gusto kong mag date or go out I always have to ask him as oppose to before kame ikasal lage siya ang nag iinitiate.  And you know what's worst? Pag nag ask ako sasabihan nya napaka demanding ko.  I just want his attention and his love.  Ganito ba talaga pag married na? Puro babae na ang nag iinitiate? Ilang beses na namin to pinag awayan, sabe ko sa kanya nagbago na siya, hindi na siya katulad ng date.  But of course hindi nya nakikita yon.  For him he's doing everything for this marriage.  Sa tingin ba nya magkakaganito ako kung may effort siyang pinapakita on his side. Lage siya sa ipad nya, lage siya dun sa room nakakulong, pag magkasama kame wala kameng pinaguusapan. Tahimik lang.  Hindi katulad dati magtatanong siya anong balita? I'm really really tired and frustrated.  I dont know what else to do.  Pag kinausap ko na naman siya sigurado mag aaway lang kame because for him this is a very childish issue.  So childish issue ba ang marriage na walang communication? Na walang intimacy? Na walang spending time.  I dont know. I am so tired of thinking ways to get this relationship to how it was before.  Lage na lang ako umiiyak.  In fact I'm crying right now.  As usual I'm in this room and he's on the other room spending time with his ipad.  But to make things clear, I know he is not cheating on me.  I have access to his emails, facebook, cellphone and trust me kung nag chi cheat siya I would know.  He's just this kind of guy na walang pakialam. Cold. Insensitive. I dont know what to do. I really dont know 

[bonamil]

There's a reason behind kung bakit nya ginagawa yun. Siguro ask mo sya why he sudden change. Ask him in nice way kasi baka mamya meron siyang problema na hindi niya nasasabi sayo. Meron kasing dahilan kung bakit nagbabagoo ang isang tao. Try to understand him first kasi baka meron lang talaga wyang problema. Pag usapan niyong mabuti kung [textspeak!] yung mga problema niyo sa isat isa

[Paulo]

You already have your answer. He's cold, insensitive, ... either that or you are indeed demanding.

Think back on how much time you spent in Total Hours together as steadies, and compare that to the time you spend now that you're living under one roof. Now divide the difference by 5.

... Nah I'm just kidding about the division. But consider the chances of you getting too much of each other in terms of exposure that perhaps your husband feels you've spent enough time together.

You however are going for the Quality of time spent. Not just a standard quality, but more like an Improved Quality of time spent all because that is what you are expecting. And there you have it, maybe it's your Expectations that's causing you frustrations.

I am not saying that your husband shouldn't make an effort. If he could then that would be a better solution. But since he isn't posting on board, then I say the trick to a happier marriage is also for the other party to lower their expectations.

An old guy and his even older wife shared with me just last week the trick to a marriage that's 50 years and counting. They say it's all about making it work whether together or individually because not everything in marriage can be resolved as a couple and should NOT always be resolved as a couple. And that's just because I extended my congratulations to their marriage anniversary. I called my wife over and told her that they just told me that the trick to making it work meant that she should resolve everything on her own.... you know that part about it NOT always needing to be resolved as a couple.

Patience, Sacrifice, I think that's part of the marriage vows you just don't mention literally. Good luck with the next 49 years.

[zarazan]

Since you're married now, I guess we have to make thing work even if I want to say "go out and meet new people" HAHAHA. I guess that's not applicable here now?

Anyway, pag may gusto ka gawin, wag ka na mag-pa-alam! Gawin mo nalang kusa. Simple things I can suggest is, if you want to cuddle with him, just go. Siksik mo sa sarili mo sa tabi niya hahaha! Then you can join him while he watches his movie sa ipad.  Then after, pagusapan niyo yung movie.   Sa food naman, prepare him food then invite him to eat with you. Pag ayaw niya, punta ka sa kwarto niya then alukin mo kusa. Ask him about his day. Kahit matipid pa sagot niya, go lang . Make kwento about your day kahit wala siya pakielam. See day by day if may improvement. Then maybe if he starts talking again, you can ask him what's really wrong and what's with the sudden change.

It may be "martyr" ish thing to do pushing yourself to someone who seem not to care, but marriage does take work. Do your best to win him back. As long as he is not cheating, in my opinion, there is hope. Di naman pwedeng mawala agad yung love unless may nagpapaconfuse, diba?

Good luck sis

[marose17]

Here's the thing.  Men do not like to talk.  I mean, allergic sila sa THE TALK.  If you have any concern, you must be more creative than demanding THE TALK.

Good luck!

[Girltalker2]

It may be "martyr" ish thing to do pushing yourself to someone who seem not to care, but marriage does take work.

Yes marriage is a lot of work. But it has to be a lot of work for 2 parties, hindi lang isa.

[katrinac]

hello sis, sana by this time eh nagkausap na kayo ng husband mo.

Since newlyweds palang kayo, dapat at this stage eh nasa "honeymoon" stage pa kayo. Like enjoy each others company. But wait, naalala kita sa situation dati. Yung first few months ng wedding namin, as in wala kami gadgets, even Internet connection sa bahay wala. kaya ending, kami lagi magkausap.

Until dumating yung mga gadgets sa buhay namin.  Andyan yung iPad, andyan yung gaming console nya. So most of the time, eh yun ang kaharap nya. Dumating sa point na nag freak out ako, kasi since nga tayong mga girls, eh gusto quality time together with our husband. But instead of talking to him in a calmly manner, ang ginawa ko, nag silent treatment ako sa kanya (feeling ko mapapansin nya ako na there's something wrong). hanggang sa dumating yung point na ganun at ganun nalang ang ginagawa nya. And then i realized, hindi naman nya malalaman yung mga gusto kong manyari, kapag hindi ko sinabi.

Kinausap mo na ba sya ng maayos, regarding yung excessive use of his iPad? Ganun kasi ginawa ko. Pero syempre, napaiyak ako. Emotional tayo eh. And nag compromise kami.  Ganun dapat, mag compromise. Makipagusap ka ng maayos. tell him yung mga bagay na gusto mong manyari. Dapat may time kayo para sa isa't isa. Wag ka umiyak lang or mag mukmok, kasi hanggat di mo sasabihin sa kanya kung ano ang mali, hindi gagalaw yan.

After ng usapan namin, nagbago naman sya. Saka lang sya gagamit ng iPad kapag wala ako or may ginagawa na household chores. And everytime makikita ko sya nagamit ng iPad, or yung mga gadgets nya, ilalapag nya, lalambingin ako agad. Or minsan naman, if kating kati na sya mag gadgets, mag papaalam sya sakin, sandali lang daw. etc. Which is fine for me.

Or if di naman effective sa husband mo yung compromise nyo, or malumanay na paguusap, maki join ka sa kanya (watch movies with him). Ginawa ko din pala yan dati. Kaya ngayon, kami na ni hubby ang magkalaban sa mga games nya. Naging bonding time narin namin yun. Yayayain pa nya ako palagi kapag restday namin maglaban ng tekken or basketball. and tinuturuan nya ako ng "moves" and techniques nya. He would even show me yung mga tinitignan nya na NBA news every now and then sa iPad para lang mafeel ko na di nya ako tine take for granted. hehe

Just talk to him, don't nag. Don't hate him for playing and don't think that your marriage is falling apart nang dahil lang sa gadgets nya. Communication is the key. Ask him to put down his gadgets and magusap kayo. Once you talk to him in a very calmly manner, for sure he would understand you.Asawa ka nya eh.  Baka naman kasi kapag kinakausap mo sya sis, eh pasigaw. Ang mga lalake, hindi sila mind reader, kaya dapat kausapin mo sila ng maayos and tell him kung ano ang gusto mo manyari talaga. 

And also, bakit magkahiwalay kayo ng kwarto? Kasi ba gusto mo suyuin ka nya, and sabihan na dapat magkatabi kayo? Or ayaw mo lang talaga tumabi sa kanya? Baka naman kaya nanonood nalang sya ng movies sa iPad is because di mo man lang sya tinatabihan?

[ghee.lucky]

sa relationship namin ng husband ko, we initiate. Sometimes pag nasa harap sya ng computer while Im cooking food pag napadaan ako sakanya I always hug and kiss him (because I want it), di na ko mag request sakanya to hug and kiss me. He do the same thing to me. We get used to it, parang hinahanap-hanap na ng katawan namin yung hugs and kisses.

Try mo sis sa husband mo, baka hanap-hanapin nya or sya na yung gumawa nun for you

[princessrio]

tanggalin nyo ang ipad sa buhay nyo. there should be a gadget-free time for both of you. there are a lot of things to talk about in this world...love, dreams or even politics.

if he's in the bedroom with his ipad and you are in the other room, what are you doing in the other room? aba! magsumiksik ka din sa bedroom. if he's watching a movie sa ipad, isaksak nyo sa laptop or download it tapos watch together (plus if you can prepare chips or pica pica to munch on). at bakit hiwalay kayo matulog?

if you want to cuddle, just do it. if you want to kiss him, just do it. these are things na hindi na kailangan ipagpaalam.

kung hindi nakuha sa usap, act on it. make him feel your presence.

[lovemeagain30]

Sa TS gaano na ba kayo katagal as newlyweds? kung wala pang 1 year ay malamang dapat nasa honeymoon stage pa kayo at lalo na kung wala pa kayong anak.

kami ng hubby ko, nasa 3 months na kaming kasal, ganun din kapag siya ay nakahawak na ng IPAD,laptop or PS3 nakakalimutan na ang lahat. ultimo maligo sa araw nayun! 

nagagalit lang ako kapag hindi siya nakakagawa ng household chores. 3 months na din akong buntis ngayon at maselan kumilos. so kapag napapabayaan niya yung mga dapat gawin sa araw na yun ay saka lang ako nanenermon. may time nga alas 2 ng madaling araw napilitan siyang maligo dahil sa inis ko kasi sinabihan ko siya ng gabi palang, maligo na siya at buong araw na siya nakaharap sa PS3!   

kaya ayun, natuto na siya. may times rin nakakatulog siya sa sala kapapanuod ng movies. maaga kasi ako natutulog dahil sa hirap sa paglilihi. hinahayaan ko nalang siya kapag ganun. we make sure lang na sabay kami kumakain kasi sacred ang meal time para samin kahit nung hindi pa kami kasal. we make it a point na masaya lage yun.

siguro kung hindi ako buntis at hirap maglihi ay baka hanapin ko rin yung atensyon niya lage. dahil may sariling mundo rin ako ngayon, sinusubukan kong maging pasensyosa din sakanya. kahit madalas mas masungit ako ngayon. give and take lang. basta wag kalang mag alangan mag communicate sakanya palage kahit ba nakakainis yung ibang mga sagot niya sayo. kasi pag tinigil niyo ng mag usap, duon yata magkakaproblema.

[simang]

Here's a very simple advice from a non-married woman who has read a lot of relationship-self-help-books hahaha:

Try appreciating the littlest thing you do together.

For example, when you eat together, instead of opening a conversation about how he has changed and how you don't spend time together anymore, tell him that it makes you happy that you eat together. Don't mention how frustrated you are with your set up, but try to see the good in that little time of you together.

If he puts his ipad down, instead of saying he seldom puts his ipad down, try telling him how you appreciate that from time to time, he puts his ipad down and do something else.

Men don't want the talk. So never, never ever tell him "we have to talk". If you want to talk about something, be casual about it. Instead of telling him "we don't go out anymore", try telling him "I'd love it if we go out for dinner, or see this movie, etc etc". It's the same context, just without all the negativity and blaming part.

Do you live alone? or with other people? And bakit kayo magkahiwalay ng kwarto?

It's okay to be emotional, but be less dramatic. Be casual when you talk to him. Men don't respond to blaming and nagging, and more often than not ibabalik nila sayo talaga ang sisi like you're demanding and all. But, men responds to no-contact. To silence. To something unusual. So try to use a different technique to lure him into spending time with you because obviously the crying and talking don't work anymore.

Unless of course there's a third party, which in your case is impossible, as you said.

[imbisibol_]

i think you're overthinking things.  and i also think you're just bored.  find a hobby.  better yet, find a hobby that involves both of you like ballroom dancing or something.  make yourself interesting; do not always appear to be hogging and begging for attention. 

and yes, you're not dating anymore.  there will be not as many kilig moments.  you are settling in for the long haul.  complain less; be content more.  you said so yourself that there is no cheating involved, so count your blessings.

[cecilydee]

sis remember na for a marriage to work, dapat both of you should work it out. he might have done his part already before, smothering you with love and expressing his interest..maybe its time for you to do that naman para kiligin si hubby. Prepare his favorite food. When he comes home, arrive at the door and give him a big hug or kisses (kung gusto mo ng PG18, edi wear something sexy lol)

wag ka na muna ma complain much, try mo munang lambingin asawa mo at avoid ang usapan na nakaka stress like: ikaw kasi ganito..ganyan...yung ipad mo ganon..ganyan..nalalanta rin kasi ang mga lalake pag parati tayo nagcocomplain. kapag bumait na doon mo na i open up na yung iPad sana at specific times lang. or dapat may iPad time tayo meaning sabay tayo manonood sa iPad mo while cuddling. bonding time din ito.

Good luck!

[X_03]

tama mga sis natin, totoo yun imbis na mag ask ka why he's cold towards you baliktarin mo and wag puro you "YOU're making me sad" dapat sasabihin mo as point of view mo your own emotions like "I feel sad kasi parang may distance sa atin". tsaka tingin ko ikaw ang mag sumiksik sa kanya pag nag ipad siya join him in the same bedroom. gibain ang kabilang room para isang bedroom nalang yan. kasi the more kayong silent treatment at nagpapakiramdaman the more kayong maraming mamimiss sa isa't isa na akala niyo normal nalang, yun pala laki na nang gap. mas gusto pati nang guys na nilalambing sila  try mo sis. mas kinikilig sila sa lambing.

[IloveMybabs]

hubby and I are married na 2years pa lang and hindi nga applicable sa lahat yong 1st year of marriage is honeymoon stage..

nuong mag bf/gf pa lang kami halos bihira kami mag away parang halos lahat ng bagay magkasundo kami pero after namin ikasal at masama sa iisang bahay halos lahat ata pinag aawayan namin ultimo pag huhugas ng plato hindi na din kami nagdedate hindi katulad ng dati.. lagi sya nakaharap sa computer nya para maglaro at madalas nakatutok sa TV nanonood ng kung ano anung series.. i can say na disaster talaga yong 1st year namin pero i read a lot of books kasi gusto ko maintindihan sya and pinabasa ko din sa kanya yong iba nag usap kami about sa mga issues namin sa isat isa (actually ako lang madami issues sa kanya sya wala naman) nag usap kami in a calm way.. after naman nuon nag mature kami pareho minsan napapdalas sya sa computer nya pero binibigyan ko na sya ng time limit dapat after nuon akin na uli attention nya and lambingan time na namin..pag naiinis ako sa kanya hindi ko na dinadaan sa pag tahimik sinasabi ko na sa kanya in a nice way like nung last time nasabihan nya kong para kang t**** after a while kinausap ko sya sabi ko "sa tingin mo ba t**** ko?" tapos ayon nag sorry naman sya hindi naman daw nya mean yon..

sabi nga dun sa nabasa ko (forgot kanino galing)

Choose your battles, if it would matter 20years from now its worth fighting but if not don't waste your time

you have to work on your marriage hindi puro pride

[bellamom_22]

hi sis. my husband and i were just married for 6months 1week and 1day we had our ups and downs as expected sa lahat ng marriage, nandiyan ang tampuhan at lambingan, kulitan at asaran plus meron na kaming baby who makes everything more complicated. pero masaya kami. the secret? patience, understanding and more love and communication and appreciating each other for the little things.

hindi gaanong clear sa kwento mo kung ano naging problema, para kasing puro "compalins" lang [textspeak!] nabasa ko.hehe peace  maybe tama nga siya, may pagkademanding ka, or siguro may mga effort siya na hindi mo inaappreciate kaya di na niya ginagawa mga bagay na gusto mo. hindi kasi mind reader ang mga lalaki, talaganh if you want something from them, you have to tell them or else madidisappoint ka kaeexpect ng kung ano ano from him. show him the way you want to be loved and treated and ask him to do the same, like tanungin mo siya kung in what ways nya ba nararamdaman na mahal mo siya. and tell him the same, kung anong ways ba nararamdaman mo na mahal ka niya. communication is the key para maging ok ulit kayo. wag ka sumuko sa marriage nyo just because hindi nagwowork ngayon. ganyan talaga, you have to be a team para magsucceed 

[toydoll]

sis TS, na try mo na ba yung mga sinasabi ng sisses natin here? yung try mo muna join him sa mga ginagawa nya? ano ang mga bagay na nagawa mo na setting aside our pride as babae (because most of the time we think na guys should initiate the move)?

if ever nagawa mo na (yung magsumiksik sa kanya), ano ang result? did he welcome you to join him? na appreciate nya ba? nag suplado ba sya?

hope you guys work on it, what i felt sa letter mo, super newly weds nga,, adjustment period may be,, hope you guys work on it,,, sayang naman kung mauuwi lang sa wala na wala pa naman ni ta try na solution,,, goodluck TS, we hope to hear from you,