Been following this thread for some time. And yes I was a mistress, in every sense of the word. May asawa't anak sya. Ako wala. I say WAS, because that was a looong time ago. I'm married now, with a truly wonderful husband who knows about my past. Last time I saw my former partner, he was with a woman who wasn't his wife. Whether he's still with his wife, I don't know. Whether the woman I saw him with is his new mistress, I don't know. We didn't speak to each other anymore and I hope and pray to God almighty that I never see him again. It was, and remains to be, the biggest mistake of my life and I will regret it as long as I live.
I don't know why I feel compelled to join the discussion, but maybe because I recently talked to my friend who discovered that her husband has a mistress. She was devastated, of course. I offered her some insights from my point of view. A mistress is a mistress is a mistress, yes, but mistresses come in all shapes and sizes, and affairs happen differently.
Is it just about sex?
At the beginning yes, it could be. But real feelings do get developed over time. It's not a concept that people can easily accept, maybe because it's easier and more convenient especially for the wives to think of the affair as purely physical. Harder to accept when there are emotions involved. So is there "love" involved? Regardless of how you define love, the mistress and the partner still "feel" love. They might be mistaking it for passion, or for desire, or whatever else, but both mistress and partner will claim that whatever they're feeling is love. And it's hard to argue with that.
Wala bang pakialam yung mistress sa asawa ng kinakabit nya?
Most of the time, wala. It's not being cold-hearted or cruel. I didn't have any particularly strong feelings about her. I didn't like her, but I didn't hate her. I never thought much about her, period. She was just another woman to me. If she were drowning in a pool I was swimming in, I would try and save her or call a lifeguard. Just like I would for any person. The wife doesn't figure prominently in a mistress' mind. I think it's also because we mistresses think, you deal with your sh*t, I deal with mine.
Why doesn't the mistress just leave the married man kung alam naman nya mali ang lahat?
I think this is the hardest to explain. Yes you know it's wrong, but sometimes you just don't want to do the right thing lalo na kung wala ka pa naman nasasaktan. It's like being faced with two paths: this path, no matter how wrong, is HERE, it's what's happening NOW, the other path, is just a mere possibility, it's not tangible, not concrete. That you can destroy families, that you can hurt others as well as yourself, is not yet THERE. It's just a possibility, a distant thought. Unlike what you have at that moment, which is very real. Also, if I may say so, mahirap din umalis especially when you know sa sarili mo, hindi ka masamang tao. Yes you're a mistress, pero hindi ka masamang tao. You tell all these things to yourself and you manage to convince yourself of these things kaya napakahirap.
Anong gusto mo mangyari? Gusto mo ba iwan ng lalake ang asawa at pamilya nya?
In my case, no. What I wanted was for me to be with him without anybody getting hurt, which was of course impossible. Even in my darkest, lowest points, I didn't want him to leave his family. I think deep down I wanted an assurance of some sort, of any sort. I don't know what.
Sobrang baba ba ng self esteem mo kaya pumatol ka sa lalakeng may asawa?
I don't know, but I didn't think I had issues when it happened. I have no daddy issues that I know of, my parents are together, and are very loving. I had friends, I had normal relationships with men who were single. I had a very normal life.
Bakit pumatol ka pa rin sa lalake kahit alam mong may asawa?
This is difficult to explain. For me the attraction was just so great, and as I said, hindi ko naman kilala yung asawa. Siguro nga I was lonely and didn't know it. Maybe life was so normal it got boring. I think part of it was just, ganon ang buhay. Maraming sorpresa. You meet people and everything you thought you knew about yourself, whatever values you thought you had, flies out the window. I thought I knew myself, hindi pala. Siguro also part of it was what I was saying earlier, it's what's here, NOW, him, me, the moment.
Were you truly, genuinely happy?
I had moments of bliss. Peace, not so much. Genuine happiness, I don't know. If I had thought about that then, I would say no. But I didn't, or maybe didn't want to.
Pag nag kamistress ang lalake, ibig sabihin hindi na ba mahal ng lalake ang asawa nya?
Mahal. Mahal na mahal even.But sometimes you do things that hurt the ones you love. I learned that it's hard to define love because it's really just the most complex emotion.
Did you ever talk about the wife?
Never. Except for things like, "Can't go today. Birthday at home." And we both know it's not his birthday we're talking about.
Are mistresses similar to the wives?
In my case, no. I was nothing like his wife.
What do you do together, aside from have sex?
We talk. We watch TV. We eat and ask each other how was your day. We talk about other people. We laugh about stupid things. We help with the chores. We complain about work. We fight. Just like your regular couple, except that it's not regular.
Aren't you afraid of karma?
Whatever the universe will dish out to me, I will accept. But I've forgiven myself because I know that people who don't forgive themselves are bound to repeat the same mistakes. Which I don't want, not only for myself, but for other people.
So there. Point of view of a mistress (former mistress, but a mistress nevertheless). Please feel free to ask me questions if that will help you understand more. My past is past, and it was imperfect as can be, and hopefully some good will come out of it.
