Husband not giving enough time

[peenitokss]

My BFF opened up to me that she and her husband is always having misunderstanding regarding the latter's not giving enough time.

Backgroud: PNP officer ang husband nya who is assigned in their province. While si BFF is working in a BPO company in Mandaluyong. According to my friend, lagi daw busy sa trabaho mister nya, pero that's fine with her. The real issue is, kahit daw pag day off, mas inuuna pa ang basketaball or drinking session kesa tawagan or itext sya. Minsan daw, hapon or gabi na tatawag si Mister sa kanya then after 20mins bye bye na.. once a month lang sila nagkikita.

I advised my friend to have a heart to heart talk to her husband. Tell him her feelings. Pero sabi ni friend, ginawa na daw nya, ilang beses na but the husband daw always say na masyadong sensitive si friend. Na binibigay naman daw nya yong hinihinging time ni friend. Meron pa daw sabi si husband nya dati na something like " ang gusto mo kasi kung pano ka sakin, ganun din ako sayo". Di ba ganun naman dapat mga sis? In other words, for the husband, hindi nya ina-acknowledge na nagkukulang nga sya.

I dont know what to advise her pa. I consider myself din kasi newly wed pa lang kaya hindi ko alam sasabihin.

[aquacharly]

Kahit na ba a husband works in the same city, may reklamo pa din at times ang wife about lack of time for her.  They can get so engrossed in their careers, or stressed out. 

PNP officers are very stressed, they gamble their lives more often than most.  It's part of the  job.  Perhaps that is the reason why he gets engrossed in his drinking sprees & basketball games. 

The thing is,  your friend has talked it over several times with her hubby. Same same.  So, she should change what she does. What to change? Sya lang makakapagsabi what she is capable of doing, or how far she will go --  drop her job & join him in the province???

Meron pa daw sabi si husband nya dati na something like " ang gusto mo kasi kung pano ka sakin, ganun din ako sayo". Di ba ganun naman dapat mga sis?

I agree  with the husband.   When a wife does something, she should not expect an exact reciprocity. - yung parang bola she dribbled to him, na the exact same ball he throws back at her.  You love because you love, period.
Atchaka, we are all unique beings - we behave, react, love in our own good way.

" We cannot force those we love to love us the way we want to be loved."
Advise your friend that. 

[daveigh]

^ Well, aquacharly already said what has to be said .

One thing your friend can do to put things in a different perspective : try to put herself in your husband shoes : he works sa PNP so alam na natin how stressful being an officer (?) or maybe he even has brushes with those who has no regards with the law.

And your wife only wants you for herself?

Let's say wife has a reason, pero I think she is still being selfish and we all know mali naman yan. And yun nga, not to expect other people will do the same to you. Pinakasalan na nya yan so she should have accepted who he is and what he does to de-stress himself. She can try saying it in a malambing manner or even, "tempt" her hubby

Minsan kasi sa guys ang heart to heart talk tingin nila arte-arte eh. Well, you know men are from mars blah blah, right?

[lisse]

Sis, what's your BFF's definition of "enough time"? When will it be enough for her? For her husband naman, you mentioned that he's giving her "everything". Baka din kasi his "everything" and her "everything" are not the same, as well as her "enough".

Marriage is a union of 2 people, with his/her own mind-set, values, principles and behaviors. While it is true that they become one, they are still 2 different people who just chose to live their lives together. Maybe your friend should try to lower her expectations of her husband so she wouldn't be too disappointed when he "falls short". Also, she should try to understand where the hubby is coming from. Just because the husband chose to unwind first - basketball, inom - saka to talk her doesn't mean she comes in second. Maybe he wants to be relaxed first or be in a good mood first before he attends to his wife. I admit that if my husband is having a bad day at work, I prefer na wag niyang dalhin sa bahay namin. Sure, I will listen and support him, pero no-no sakin na sa bahay pa sya magpapa-moody. The same may be true sa husband ni BFF mo.

HIndi naman nagche-cheat si hubby on duty, right? And all needs naman ni friend mo eh binibigay ni hubby, right? Sis, if that is not one of the many ways to show love and importance para sa friend mo, eh I don't know what else you'll call them.

[cinderella_322]

Hi sis TS, ask your friend to read the book "Fascinating Womanhood". She can learn a lot from it. She can understand her hubby more and prevent to ruin their relationship. I have a copy of this book. Just send me your email and I will give you a copy 

[peenitokss]

hi mga sis.. thank you sa lahat ng nagreply.

i already texted my friend about this site & thread.. Binabasa na daw nya mga replies nyo. 

[Girltalker2]

I think one big factor is being in LDR. TS, tama ba intindi ko na magkalayo sila?  And for guys, a phone call does not help to ease the loneliness of being away from your loved one.  So far, based on my experience, mas prefer nila to be with the person kesa sa phone call lang.

I think if you friend wants to have a happy marriage:

1) They have to talk ano ba ang expectations nila sa isa't isa in order to nurture their relationship.  Obviously, the guy does not seem to be "into" her na at kasal na naman sila, so para sa kanya, gusto lang nya malibang.  So syempre he would resort to his hobbies at ano gusto nyang gawin.

2) I would also encourage your friend to think about moving back to the province or her hubby to move to Mandaluyong with her.  Kasal sila, they are supposed to be together.

[bagaholic_chewy]

I agree with some posts above. Perhaps your friend can consider moving to the province para mas magkalapit sila. Or kung hindi man maka-move e sya ang mag-effort to travel to the province to visit her hubby from time to time. Baka kasi napapagod din yung hubby na sya laging bumibyahe. Mahirap din ang LDR, lalo na't magkaiba pa sila ng expectations sa relationship.

And we have to remember na iba-iba tayo ng "love language", for most girls it would mean heart-to-heart talks, spending time together, flowers, etc. Pero sa guys, pwedeng ang love language nila is to be good providers ng material needs, kesehodang maging super-busy sila sa work nila basta maka-provide sila. They just have to talk it out ng harapan and compromise, since obviously their current set-up isn't working anymore.

Edited to add:
Kahit me mga asawa na tayo, important pa din na me time tayo for ourselves and/or with our own set of friends, instead of obsessing (sorry, wala ako ibang maisip na another word for now) about our relationships. Makakatulong din yun sa growth natin as individuals. For the guys, it's their way of releasing stress din, so they play basketball, they joke around with other guys, they sometimes drink or whatever. For the girls, we can go and meet up with our own friends, or go to the spa or (window)shop or whatever. Ok din yun kasi mas madami tayo mapag-uusapan with our hubbies pag kasama na natin sila.

[angelparvian]

ganyan din naging issue namin ni hubby. nagpaka-busy din ako kaya ayan di na ako naiinis sa kanya pag wala siya time sa akin basta ang mahalaga pagdating ng gabi may time kami sa isat isa para magkwentuhan sa mga nangyari ng buong araw

[bluegintonic]

Lagi din kaming magkalayo ni husband ...nauwi lang every 14-20 days.Nasanay na ako. Ramdam lang niya na ganyan pag di siya abala.Pag may baby/kids na hindi niya na mararamdaman halos ang panahon.Just get herself busy productively-like new hobbies or learn a new skill,she won't feel as lonely.Ako 5 years na kaming ganito, sometimes months before magkita and nung una, working pa ako kaya di ko gaano ramdam.Now na may baby na din lalong hindi ko na ramdam.