Di ko feel ang family nia

[miss resilient]

It's been years na ganito ang situation namin..during holidays dun kame sa family niya..pag holy week kasama rin dapat family niya. pag brithday ng husband ko shempre kasama ang family nia. Sabihin ninyo na ang lahat ng gusto ninyong sabihin sakin.. pero di ko ganon ka feel ang family ng husband ko..i tried na matuwa sa kanila pero hindi talaga. Alam ninyo ba trending ang hiwalayan sa kanila. kami na lang ng husband ko ang magkasama pa rin. Ang mama niya nga mismo hiwalay. Hindi ko gusto ang nangyayaring ganon sa family niya. Naiisip ko ..ito ba ang family na magiging family ng magiging anak namin ng husband ko pagdating ng araw? Kulang rin sa GMRC. It seems it is not easy for me to accept it. Normal ba ito o mashado lang akong maarte. Please give your piece of advise...thanks.

[zee87]

Minsan lang naman yata sa isang taon na mamimeet mo yung family ng husband mo. You really dont have to like them, pero siyempre dapat nakikibagay ka din. dont show them na di mo sila gusto, baka makitrending din kayo sa hiwalayan pag nagkataon (knock on wood).

Baka pwede mo rin kausapin husband mo na gawin nyong alternate ang pagpunta sa family nya. For example, last year dun kayo sa family nya nagcelebrate.  E di this year, sa inyo naman.

[imbisibol_]

i doubt you spend the whole 7 days of holy week with his family, so we'll just put that down for the weekend- so 2 days.  then there's christmas, new year, his birthday- so that's about 5 days.  you have 360 days left in the year to enjoy your husband.  so let the 5 days go.  do not zone in on the hiwalayan because you know you're just nitpicking on that.  choose your battles wisely.

and i am not hip with pop culture anymore, so what's GMRC? 

[zee87]

GMRC is Good Manners and Right Conduct?

[sistah!]

title pa lang, natawa na ako. medyo naka-relate ako! hindi naman sa hindi ko feel ang family ng husband ko. hindi lang ako maka-get with the program sa kanila. his family is so tight knit that it isn't easy for an outsider to really blend in. magkakapitbahay sila, and sila sila rin ang magbabarkada. mabuti na lang hindi ganon ka-sociable sa kanila ang asawa ko kasi hindi mahilig lumabas yun kaya I don't feel so out of the loop.

sis imbisibol is right. part of marriage is to suck up the bits you don't like to make your partner happy. 5 days or so with his family will not kill you. focus on the happy parts instead. there's a reason why small talk is still such an integral part of daily life. you don't have to be chummy naman. just talk about weather, kamustahan, shallow chika. before you know it, uuwi na kayo.

[chicafabulosa]

When you marry your husband that means you have accepted even the worst part of him that includes his family. It diesnt mean you have to be chummy with them, just be civil with them. It won't kill you if you show them a little bit of kindness. You dont want to be tagged as snob right? Few days a year dont mean you will end up like his family na who are separated. Btw why would you always nitpick about that? If in the beginning pa lang nung mag bf/gf pa lang kayo eh nakikita mo na ganyan ang pamilya nya bakit mo pa pinakasalan? Kasi sometimes we tend to whine but you forgot that one time of your life you didn't regret or consider that as a factor why you shouldn't marry your hubby right? But why now? Hindi kaya masyado mo nacocompare ang family nya sa mga nakikita mo sa iba. In order  for you to be happy is to avoid comparing what you have to others. You need to learn how to love them even with their flaws. Di ba there is a saying, in order for you to love unconditionally, you need to overlook your partner's flaws and mistakes.

Wala ka ng magagawa, pamilya yan ng asawa mo. Whether you like it or not part na sila ng buhay mo. Di mo owede sila iisantabi just because you think wala silang gmrc and yung status ng marriages nila. Sorry medyo harsh lang to ha, pero pamilya mo na rin sila eh, di naman yata maganda na ganyan pa rin tingin mo sa kanila. I know kahit papaano may maganda naman silang ugali.

And yes maarte ka lang masyado. Wag mo kasi ikumpara sila sa mga nakikita mo na ibang pamilya.  Parang ganito lang yan, kung suot mo ngayon is spartan (which is your husband's family), wag mo ikumpara sa mga naka havainnas. Gets?

Ako may complain rin ako sa family ng husband ko pero i love them to death. Husband ko may compalin din sa mga relatives ko na iba pero he loves them dearly too. See, di porke may mga bakya sa pamilya namin eh di na namin sila kayang irespeto and mahalin. You just have to learn how to love them and if you cant talaga di just be civil enough na maayos mo sila pakitunguhan kesa maging matapobre, mayabang at isnabera ang dating mo

[evilwoman]

Unless gumagawa sila ng way na maghiwalay kayo e wala ako nakikita masama kung puro hiwalayan sa family nila.wala naman siguro may gusto na magkawatak-watak ang pamilya just because sabi mo nga e "trending" yan sa kanila.ikaw pa ang lumalabas na judgemental ngayon kasi nagbigay ka ng ganyang label.kung ganyan kataas ang standards mo,di sana bago mo pinakasalan e ikinonsider mo yang factor na yan..
Di kaya nayayamot ka lang kasi may okasyon na gusto mo sa side mo naman kayo or kayo lang magasawa pero in laws lagi kasama nyo?

[caterpillar-girl]

I've always thought it's a common thing, to have in laws you can't stand. Hehe. Isn't it why there are countless jokes and sitcoms about in laws? Especially mothers in law! I think it's but natural. As for your holiday situation, try to rotate how you spend time with both families, as others have suggested. Minsan when I'm forced to spend time with in laws, I just drink and the booze really makes things more bearable, haha!

Anyhow, I don't think you're being maarte. My own view is that, I only have ONE mom, and that's MY own mom. My family is my family is my family. Kahit pa ma or mommy ang tawag ko sa MIL ko. Meaning, my in laws may be my family, but they're still different from my family. I swear to god if they weren't my husband's family, we would have NOTHING in common. We would never be friends in real life and that's that and I don't think that makes me a bad or judgmental person.

Having said that, I try na makisama din sa kanila, because they are, after all, my husband's family and I really don't want to fight over it. Try also having at least ONE person na makakasundo mo, kahit hindi naman ibest friend. That person can help ease the suffering and I do think you need to have at least one kakampi in the other family. Maybe it's a child, or a lola, or an auntie. Good luck!

[miss resilient]

@zee87..yes GMRC is good manners and right conduct.

Hindi naman sila ganon dati na hiwalay nung mag boyfriend pa lang kami. nito na lang..kasi naman hindi rin nageeffort ang baenan ko para pagbatiin ang bilas ko at bayaw ko. i try pa nga na kausapin and I convince ang bayaw ko na makipagbalikan sa wife niya e ayaw na rin ng wife niya according to him. and hipag ko namang isa ayun, hiwalay din sa tatay ng mga anak niya. with the way I see it ok lang sa kanila kung magkahiwalay. kunsabagay ang baenan ko mismo hiwalay din. Sabihin ninyo na ang gusto ninyong sabihin ..pero mas gusto ko pa rin ang intact na relationships.

@caterpillargirl..hindi pala ako alone sa ganitong situation..mabait naman ang baenan ko may timpla lang talaga shang di ko gusto. sa husband ko kasi, hindi puedeng magkamali ang family nia. at pag may nasabi o nagawa na ako..enemies na kame for him. yun and di ko gusto.

Ayokong isipin pero sa nangyayari na may kinakampihan ang asawa ko lumalabas na nagiging kakumpetensya ko pa tuloy sila sa husband ko. Masasabi ko siguro sa mga di pa nag aasawa, dapat iconsider rin nila na makakasundo ang family ng magiging asawa nila..kasi ito ang bagay na di ko napag isipan before sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa husband ko.

[marose17]

^ You will never win versus the mom.  The least you can do is to be respectful by not being antagonistic, critical or cold to your in-laws.  Treat them with civility befitting the good manners that you pride yourself in knowing and having (as opposed to their lack of good manners). 

Also, it is not in your place to judge them because their marriages did not work.  You do not know the complete story or the real reason why their marriages broke up.  Keep your opinions to yourself.

In the Philippines, when you get married, you also marry the family and relatives of your husband.  That's because we are so family-oriented.  If you really cannot stand your husband's family, I suggest migrating to another country.

[maiandra]

Sorry miss resilient ha, I think you are just using your in laws' trending separations as an excuse not to like them. In fact, wala naman kompetisyon na nangyayari. I don't know why you feel that your marriage is threatened by the fact na trending ang hiwalayan sa side nya.

Your byenan etc will not change, only your perspective of them will. So if you're in for the long haul, you know you have to adjust. What's a few days of discomfort naman diba? And lastly, God says we have to honor our father and mother. Even in laws. Even if they may have failed in GMRC.

[chicafabulosa]

Hindi naman sila ganon dati na hiwalay nung mag boyfriend pa lang kami. nito na lang..kasi naman hindi rin nageeffort ang baenan ko para pagbatiin ang bilas ko at bayaw ko.

How sure are you naman di rin nagtry ang in laws mo not to talk to them? Did you get that fact directly from your inlaws?

i try pa nga na kausapin and I convince ang bayaw ko na makipagbalikan sa wife niya e ayaw na rin ng wife niya according to him.

Well you tried and since ayaw na rin ng wife what else can you do? You cannot force them to go back to each other just because they have to fit with your standard of a perfect marriage/family. My dear its all in your head, there is no such thing as perfect marriage only us make it perfect based on how we accept our partners flaws and love them beyond it.

and hipag ko namang isa ayun, hiwalay din sa tatay ng mga anak niya.

Why does it bother you a lot? If its better for the, to be separated then let them be. Di naman ibig sabihin hiwalay sila eh, maghihiwalay na kayo. You make your own future my dear. You do not depend it on whats going on with your surroundings.

with the way I see it ok lang sa kanila kung magkahiwalay. kunsabagay ang baenan ko mismo hiwalay din.

How sure are you its okay for parents to see her kids being separated and having a broken marriage? I guess you are too quick to judge your inlaws. Not because you dont see them being affected doesnt mean they are not hurting. Like what you said you are only with them few days a year. Di naman kayo 24x7 magkasama, so how can you say such things.

Sabihin ninyo na ang gusto ninyong sabihin ..pero mas gusto ko pa rin ang intact na relationships.

Then why post here? Yes we will say what we think how you are about your inlaws. Honestly i shouldnt be replying to you again after i posted my advice and pov but i cant help but surprised on how you take our advices "after you ask what we think".

i guess you are justifying your actions din so whatever we say to you will be useless. Like what other think here, you are just using your inlaws separation issues and lack of gmrc not to like them. Not because they are lacking on your standard of gmrc dont make them less a person or a bad person. And not because you dont see them being affected of their separations means its okay with them too.yes i agree with you everybody wants an intact relationship, sinong bang hindi pero merong mga tao na mas okay na hiwalay na lang sila kesa magkasama pa sila. Either they lose respect with each other or kill each other if itutuloy pa nila na magsama sila. You are with them few days a year lang, i dont think you know them well. Maybe getting to know them more will make you understand them more. Minsan magaling ang ibang tao to cover their pains and heartaches kasi ayaw nila na kaawaan sila ng iba, di mo ba naisip na baka ganun sila? I am surprised how quick you are to judge them if you yourself said you cant stand them and spend only few days with them. I bet you cant even tell if your inlaws is having a bad day or feeling bad or has a problem kasi nga di mo naman sila ganun kakilala.

Dont judge them agad, get to know them better. Then thats the time you can tell if they are the people you really cannot stand. And lastly i hope this bible verse will help you

Ruth 1
6 When Naomi heard in Moab that the Lord had come to the aid of his people by providing food for them, she and her daughters-in-law prepared to return home from there. 7 With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah.

8 Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, “Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home. May the Lord show you kindness, as you have shown kindness to your dead husbands and to me. 9 May the Lord grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband.”

Then she kissed them goodbye and they wept aloud 10 and said to her, “We will go back with you to your people.”

11 But Naomi said, “Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? 12 Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons— 13 would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!”

14 At this they wept aloud again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her.

15 “Look,” said Naomi, “your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her.”

16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” 18 When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.

Your husband's family become your people. So if you dont consider your inlaws as part of your family now, then think again. You also married your husband's family when you married him and vice versa. God bless

[lisse]

Sis TS, wala na siguro akong madadagdag pa (our sissies said it all), but maybe, just be chill lang. LIke they said, you don't live with them 24/7. You just "spend time" with them during the holidays. You love your husband, right? You have to realize na sila ang nagpalaki at nag-contribute sa care and upbringing niya - the man you married and love. For all the wrong things that they may have done, they must have done something right to have a hand in your happiness now (with your husband). I understand na meron at meron pa rin talaga tayong masasabing nega about our in-laws, it can't be helped. Mismong family nga natin sometimes nag-aaway din tayo eh, but that doesn't make us love them any less.

Just give them a chance. You may be seeing all the "bad stuff" about them now, pero that doesn't make them unlikeable na talaga. IMO, you're the one who's making yourself feel bad about them. Porque hindi swak sa ideals mo of a marriage or a family - fail na. Wag naman ganon, sis. Based sa nabasa kong reasons mo for being ticked off at them, maliit na bagay lang yon. It doesn't directly concern you nor your marriage. Don't let these small stuff ruin your time/holidays. Enjoy mo lang, as long as they do not directly attack you or take steps to doom your marriage, then I think they deserve to be treated as how you want to be treated by them.

I am sure you will also be hurt if the situation is reversed. So, just loosen up a bit, have fun! Give his family a chance. Tutal wala pa naman silang ginagawang masama sayo diba?

[twelvth_goddess]

I agree with everyone na even if you don't like your husband's family, the least thing that you can do is be civil and respectful towards them especially if they're not doing anything offensive to you.

I am not much of a fan of some of my husband's immediate relatives but when we get together on family occasions, I talk to them and I treat them well naman. At the end of the day, I dont want to be seen as some high-nosed disrespectful in-law. Yung wife ng isang brother nya saksakan ng bakya and tactless tot he point na nakakairita madalas pero I try to understand and be patient na lang kase dapat naman na mas makaintindi ako kung feeling ko mas matalino and mas decent ako diba? You don't need to like or love them if you don't; it's not like they're longing for your approval diba? Pero yon nga, makisama ka na lang siguro. Afterall, they're still a part of your husband's life.

Plus, yung mga hiwalayan na yan has nothing to do with you so it's better that you don't touch the subject either. Kung trend nga sa family nila na naghihiwalay, eh the more that you should focus on your own marriage kesa dun sa mga naghiwalay na. I mean, hinde naman parang sakit na nakakahawa ang paghihiwalay. Focus on the things that are within your control such as your attitude, reactions, and manners. Each family has their own dirt and drama. You can choose to dwell on them and be miserable or accept it and just live your life.

[Wistfulthinking]

Pag major holiday laging dun sa family nya. Are your parents still alive? Baka pwede pag-usapan na minsan dun naman kayo sa family mo.

And sabi mo kapag may issue automatic sila ang kinakampihan ng asawa mo. Does that make you feel like an outsider? That you're not as important as his family? Na kung kailangan mamili for sure hindi ikaw ang pipiliin? And trending sa family nila ang hiwalayan. Worried ka ba na if magkaron kayong mag-asawa ng malalang away instead na tumulong to patch things up eh kampihan pa nila asawa mo and encourage na umuwi na lang sa kanila and makipaghiwalay na sayo?

You don't feel so secure in this marriage kaya may namumuong resentment.

[irish_pearl]

When it comes to marriage, package deal kumbaga yan eh. Your husband family/relatives will becomes your family too.
So I think we should get along with them well talaga. But for some reason, may times talaga na mahirap depending on the situation but atleast try to be civil na lang if possible as respect na lang.

[GMGravity]

Dapat siguro those questions have been considered before mo siya pinakasalan kasi definitely, kapag pinakasalan mo ang isang tao, nagiging part narin ng buhay mo ang family niya. Hindi din siguro natin pwedeng ijudge ang isang tao na just because hiwalay ang parents niya, eh magiging ganon narin siya sa future partner niya. I know someone na trend din sa family nila ang ganon, so siya naman super takot ng mag asawa kasi baka mauwi din sa separation so ingat na ingat talaga siya sa paghandle ng relationship niya.

Marami talagang cases na hindi feel ng manugang ang family ng spouse nila. Pero iyong iavoid ang presence nila, parang mahirap kasi family siya ng partner mo eh. Kung gagawin mo iyon, masasaktan mo siya. Maraming considerations eh so dapat talaga napag isipan na ito before the wedding.

[bagaholic_chewy]

Sis TS, nasabi na nila halos lahat ng gusto ko din sabihin. Add ko na lang na you should be aware na kung ano man ang reklamo mo sa family ng hubby mo, na sinasabi mo sa kanya, e nasasaktan din sya for sure, kasi family nya ang pinag-iisipan mo ng ganun. Sana wag mapikon ang asawa mo sa yo pag sobrang mareklamo ka pa din. Pwede naman kasi mag-express ng distaste pero in a way na di maooffend ang asawa mo. Sabi mo kasi na pag me issue e automatic sila kinakampihan ni hubby mo. I think, baka nasa way ng pagsabi mo ng issue kay hubby. Baka feel nya masyado mo jina-judge ang family nya (na in case nakalimutan mo, e part ng kung ano man si hubby mo ngayon, bilang yan ang nakalakihan nyang family).

The marital status of your in-laws should not matter much to you, unless sinasabihan nila si hubby mo na hiwalayan ka na din. If they're letting you have your intact family, then hayaan mo din sila sa choice nila na makipaghiwalay sa respective partners nila. Iba-iba naman kasi ang dynamics ng bawat couple, and perhaps for them, talagang irreconcilable yung naging issues nila. Be thankful na lang na ok kayo ni hubby mo, and if feeling mo naman no threat sa relationship nyo ni hubby, wag mo na gawing issue ang "trend" ng marital status nila.

As for occasions, mapaguusapan nyo naman yan ni hubby. Say, Christmas sa kanila then New Year sa side mo. For holy week, pwede ring alternate. Pag-usapan nyo na lang. Mag-compromise kayo.

Bottomline, you have to accept the nuances and kung anuman ka-weirduhan or kamalian meron ang in-laws mo. You don't have to love them. You don't even have to like them or be chummy-chummy with them, kung talagang ayaw mo. But, you have to respect them and their choices in life. And maging civil ka with them, at the least. After all, ilang araw lang naman sa isang taon na nakakasama mo sila ng matagal-tagal, siguro naman kaya mo na tiisin yan for your husband's sake.

[caterpillar-girl]

@caterpillargirl..hindi pala ako alone sa ganitong situation..mabait naman ang baenan ko may timpla lang talaga shang di ko gusto. sa husband ko kasi, hindi puedeng magkamali ang family nia. at pag may nasabi o nagawa na ako..enemies na kame for him. yun and di ko gusto.

Ayokong isipin pero sa nangyayari na may kinakampihan ang asawa ko lumalabas na nagiging kakumpetensya ko pa tuloy sila sa husband ko. Masasabi ko siguro sa mga di pa nag aasawa, dapat iconsider rin nila na makakasundo ang family ng magiging asawa nila..kasi ito ang bagay na di ko napag isipan before sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa husband ko.

Many of us have issues with our in laws. Mine are even more petty, more shallow than yours, so I truly can't judge you. Is the issue here the fact that you can't stand that many of them are separated, and are lacking in the GMRC department, OR is the issue here that you feel kinakampihan sila ng asawa mo? Would you love and accept your in laws more if, for some reason, they all magically got back together? What truly bothers you?

If it's just their family situation, then unfortunately you can't do much to resolve that, and it's not in your power nor is it your responsibility to do so. You just have to accept it. And really it's not the worst thing in the world. In our families we have drunks, and gamblers, and womanizers, and what have you. But that's that, and I have to accept that yes, my children will have drunks, and gamblers and womanizers as uncles and titas and cousins and all that.

Now, if your REAL issue is that you feel kinakampihan sila masyado ng asawa mo, which I think IS the bottomline of this whole thing, then you just have to communicate with your husband better, and as the wife, draw the line if need be. Good luck!

[nicoletta]

miss resilient

I totally feel you!  Si hubby naman, hindi siya kumakampi sa family niya or sa sister in law na kinaiinisan ko rin dahil sa walang wagas niyang kasipsipan.  Ako naman steady lang.