i feel so much pain...my husband cheated on me

[annika]

I remember yung mga kwento ng tito and tita ko sa side kase namin lahat ng tito may kab!tch as in lahat sila! anjan yung sama sama pa sila sa beerhouse and may binabahay.

Pero hindi bumitiw yung mga tita ko for one reason hindi sa pagyayabang pero well off kase yung side namin and lahat ng tito ko may sarisariling lupa at bahay lahat silang magkakapatid nakatira sa sarili nilang lupa and ang reason nila?

Bakit kami bibitiw oo masakit apak pride pero mas masakit kung bibitaw kami tapos yung kab!tch pa ang makinabang sa asset ng mga asawa nila. Paano kung magkaroon sila ng anak ed damay pa yung mga legal na anak, kumbaga ang reason bakit ka bibitaw ano yun binigyan mo sila ng peace of mind kase hiwalay na sila? tapos ikaw ngawa? tapos sila ok? kung mas malaki income mo sis sige ok lang kumbaga magsama sila sa papag pero kung hindi wag naman ikaw at yung anak mo ang magsacrifice.

Pag nga nagkkwentuhan sila ang sinasabi lang nila, nakakatawa lang pagusapan ngayon pero sa totoo lang hindi nakakatuwa.

[Girltalker2]

Sabi nga nasa tao ang gawa nasa Diyos ang awa tama naman di ba kahit dasal ka ng dasal kung wala ka namang ginagawa walang mangyayari sayo.  After I found out about my husband's infidelity and decided to forgive him I took a hard look at myself although he assured me na walang kulang sa akin I realized a masyado akong naging kampante I made my kids my first priority lalo na si bunso at napabayaan ko si hubby. When I go shopping I used to buy him little something now it's always for the kids. Naging pabaya din ako sa sexy time namin.  Naging insecure siya about his looks due to age and I never said "ÿou are still handsome honey".  I also  wasn't as malambing anymore.  I know these are not enough reasons for him to cheat but I realized I was not the perfect wife I thought I was. I decided to forgive him and start over so aside from prayers I also need to improve myself hindi lang siya ang nag tatry to win me back.

sis Janelc and Aquacharly, good for you guys that things worked out and ang sagot ni God sa inyo oo.  Sakin kasi ang sagot ni God, kahit anong gawin ko, No No No.  Talagang big NO.

And also hindi lang ako nagdasal sis Janelc. Marami din akong ginawa.  In fact I cannot think of any reason why.  Kaya kahit nung last time ko natanong si ex ko why, wala syang masabi.  While I was praying, I also improved myself, studied again, gym, shopping, spa, lahat ng puede ko ma improve sa sarili ko. Kulang nalang talaga is happiness dahil sa g*go kong asawa.  My friend once told me, patas lang nga siguro si Lord kasi kung binigyan paraw nya ako ng faithful na asawa, wala nakong hihilingin pa. And she was right.

My prayers were answered.
He "gets it right" now -- 24/7.  As far as I know. So far, good.

But for some -- a sister, some BFFs --  the prayers are answered with no bathtubs. But answered with epiphanies: Boink!  "This is not what I deserve.   Goodbye!"

Prayers, like questions, are answered in different ways.  But these are all answered.
That's why, IMO, one should include in our prayers a request for clarity of mind & courage --  so we can proceed with God's Will.

sis, you are spot on.  My prayers nga were probably answered with a big NO. And I hope it was answered with a big NO to realize that my ex was perhaps at the bottom of their specie when it comes to quality, thus, giving me a chance to meet better men and get to know life more.

But my point is, the answers to our prayers are not always yes.  It did not make sense, pero kahit anong DASAL at GAWA ko, hindi talaga and God was firm. And there are such cases, na I would compare it worse than a nightmare, but after the storm, everything suddenly is much better without the *sshole.

[narz83]

Cheating is definitely a deal breaker for me.. we can continue being parents but as couple.. big NO!

[Janelc]

sis Janelc and Aquacharly, good for you guys that things worked out and ang sagot ni God sa inyo oo.  Sakin kasi ang sagot ni God, kahit anong gawin ko, No No No.  Talagang big NO.

And also hindi lang ako nagdasal sis Janelc. Marami din akong ginawa.  In fact I cannot think of any reason why.  Kaya kahit nung last time ko natanong si ex ko why, wala syang masabi.  While I was praying, I also improved myself, studied again, gym, shopping, spa, lahat ng puede ko ma improve sa sarili ko. Kulang nalang talaga is happiness dahil sa g*go kong asawa.  My friend once told me, patas lang nga siguro si Lord kasi kung binigyan paraw nya ako ng faithful na asawa, wala nakong hihilingin pa. And she was right.

sis, you are spot on.  My prayers nga were probably answered with a big NO. And I hope it was answered with a big NO to realize that my ex was perhaps at the bottom of their specie when it comes to quality, thus, giving me a chance to meet better men and get to know life more.

But my point is, the answers to our prayers are not always yes.  It did not make sense, pero kahit anong DASAL at GAWA ko, hindi talaga and God was firm. And there are such cases, na I would compare it worse than a nightmare, but after the storm, everything suddenly is much better without the *sshole.

Sis Girltalker2 God has a good reason bakit NO ang sagot niya sa dasal mo. He wanted to spare you from your a**hole of a husband. look at where you're at right now in much better and happier place.  Just to let you know I always love reading your post and learn a lot from you 

[aquacharly]

Pero hindi bumitiw yung mga tita ko for one reason hindi sa pagyayabang pero well off kase

Bakit kami bibitiw oo masakit apak pride pero mas masakit kung bibitaw kami tapos yung kab!tch pa ang makinabang sa asset ng mga asawa nila.
 Paano kung magkaroon sila ng anak ed damay pa yung mga legal na anak, kumbaga ang reason bait ka bibitaw ano yun binigyan mo sila ng peace of mind kase hiwalay na sila?

 tapos ikaw ngawa? tapos sila ok?
 kung mas malaki income mo sis sige ok lang kumbaga mag sama sila sa papag pero kung hindi wag naman ikaw at yung anak mo ang magsacrifice.

Yes, you got it bullseye.  Yan na yan ang Mommy namin.
But I thought that kind of solution was just our parents' generation ...

UNTIL...hahaha, it was my turn.  Ouch. 
I suffered when I found out, and even before I found out.  Even if the affair was over by 6months when I found out, I still suffered.
(So my heart aches for those who tell me they know & suffer through continuing/real-time betrayal.).

Why did I stay?
Not for the weath, status, kids. 
I am entrepreneurially successful on my own;  my portfolio of real properties & leased equipment very healthy; my secret accounts has many digits.
I don't need to stand by his light, I define myself. Oo, I am kapalmukz on my own.
I believe I can raise my kids to be God-fearing, responsible, etc etc etc on my own. I am competent.

Why did I stay? To deny them happiness? To prevent Bastards being born?
Lol, bastards will be born with or without the Mrs giving way. (Btw, he has no bastards) .
What can I say but that the Betrayed may become a Meanie/a B1tch too.
Had I left, they will never have peace of mind. Guaranteed. Peksman.
See, my Anger is triple longer than my Patience.  I go all the way too, in everything.
I would get it all. What I can't, I will tie up in legalities - frozen.
I will create problems for him, for her, for them both, for her family.  Separate categories. 

So, why did I stay?
Well, yan ang kagag@han of some women: to love so ginormously as to have huge capacities to suffer, pray, hope and wait.  I did everything, even hang from the chandeliers.  For over a year, I gave it my All & did my Best. 
I prayed and made deals with God.  No dice, God makes no deals.  It took me awhile to wrap my head around that. Until, my heart got tired.  I prayed unlike before --  giving thanks. Leaving it all up to His Will. But I asked for the Holy Spirit's Guidance: clarity of mind & courage.
Then I set a deadline & planned our "pull-out" with my usual thoroughness.

By the grace of a God, something happened -  I got handed undeniable evidence of the affair.
Como no denial was possible, hubby spilled it all...
And so we talked. Coz real talk is possible only when 2 people are completely honest. 

A lot of healing, transformation, anger! Hahaha happened thereafter.
But that's another long story. Just let me state that we are where we are now, in a better & stronger relationship coz hubby went into & continues to be in True  Remorse & Reform. 

So there, I know women who truly love do not just up & leave.
They suffer, with or without evidence, through Betrayal/s big or small.
They go through at least 1 cycle of Acceptance & Forgiveness.  Some are so strong, they can handle more than 1 cycle.
They go on loving, suffering, praying, hoping & waiting... Until their hearts grow tired.

(1st sentence edited to clarify)
I hope those who stay on ---  are staying on & still there coz they are still giving it their All; & not staying on coz they have no other option/s
But I hope they set a Deadline.
I hope they do not stay because Misery loves  company: let us all be unhappy.  IMO, bitterness and emotional imprisonment close the doors to peace of mind and future happiness.
I hope they humble themselves to pray for Divine Guidance, clarity of mind  & courage.

[hyeuna03]

I just want to share this letter given to me by my pastor 2 years ago.. sana makatulong sa mga hurting wives dito sa thread..

It is important for you to confront your husband on this issue, but how you do it will make all the difference.  This confrontation should only come after spending much time in prayer to make sure your attitude is right.  An attitude of love and quiet confidence will gain the respect of your husband. Such an attitude can only come as you depend on the Lord for strength. In confronting him you would give him the freedom to leave while showing him that this choice would mean losing  you, his home, family and reputation.  Giving him an ultimatum forces him to make a decision resulting in major consequences.  A loving but tough confrontation not only will result in your respecting yourself but will also cause your husband to respect you for how you are handling the situation. The confidence, inner strength and loving attitude that he will observe in you can reawaken the love and respect he once had for you thus making it more likely that it would put him on the path to return to you.

There is hope even when your husband has an affair.  Hope comes in turning to the Lord.  He is a God of second chances and can bring healing and restoration where there is repentance after an affair.  Following God’s leading to offer forgiveness and letting His love fill that broken relationship can bring new life to your marriage. God gives strength and confidence when you faces the difficult task of confronting your husband.  In Isaiah 30:15 we read, “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength”.  God also convicts of sin and can make your husband feel empty and miserable as he continues in his unfaithfulness. Should your husband choose not to turn from his wayward ways, God promises to care of you as you trust in Him.  He will open new doors for you, give you wisdom to make the right decision, supply strength for every day and will be your companion in times of loneliness.   Prayer brings God into every situation and when He comes He brings hope.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[cutiegirl]

I'm also in this situation and it hurts so much. I too discovered the infidelity when it was over with evidences. Actually my chance pa ulit sila makapaglandian. That same day, i prayed to God that please keep me strong for my family cause we are in rocky stage. That night God gave me the evidence. It was the last thing on my mind. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. My anger was from heaven to hell. My world shattered. A lot of questions on my mind. when? how? why? Betrayal was not only on that girl. Many things pa to specify. God only knows bakit pinaalam Niya sakin ng sabay sabay.
I'm not well off but i am financially independent from my husband. I can also give my daughter a good life without him. Madalas naiisip ko pa rin why i'm still with my husband. Just like others he ask for forgiveness and will make everything straight. Nakikita ko naman sa ngayon but mahirap because i don't trust him. I hope i can guard my heart from him. You see, malayo pa ako sa 1 cycle of acceptance and forgiveness. And please i can only do this once. Nalolost pa rin ako madalas. Right now, continue lang sa life and a lot of prayers. I know God has a plan better than mine.

[mamaneng]

First gusto ko magthank you sa mga advices nio sa thread na move on or hold on. Di ako makareply dun so dito na lang since same naman yung topic. Gusto ko lang ulit humingi ng advice. I just found out the other day na nabuntis ng husband ko yung kaaffair nya sa barko. 3months n plang preggy yung girl nung bumaba sila.  she gave birth last October lang. Hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko now. Sobrang devastated na ko. My husband acknowledged the child and signed sa birth cert nito. Ano pa bang ibang options ko. Im so much hurting! Mahal ko pa rin sya and I can feel na ganun din naman sya sa akin. Natakot sya na sabihin sakin na nabuntis nya yung girl dahil nung nalaman ko pa lang yung tungkol sa infidelity sobrang depressed nako. What more yung may anak sya sa iba. Ayaw na daw nya dagdagan yung pain na nararamdaman ko that time. Nagusap kami last night and nagiyakan humingi sya ng sorry paulit ulit dahil naging mahina sya. Sabi nya hindi nya mahal yung girl at nadala lang ng lungkot sa barko. Aware yung girl na pamilyado sya. I can see na nahihirapan din sya dahil di naman sya nagopen up kahit kanino. Ito pa rin dilemma ko, im torn between moving on on my own and holding on a little longer. Sobrang sakit gusto ko na lang makipaghiwalay pero may part pa rin na ayaw sya iwan lalo sa time nato na i feel need nya ko dahil wala syang makakapitan. Sabi nya bigyan ko daw sya ng chance na ayusin lahat to. Hindi ko alam gagawin, nagpepray lang ako palagi ngayon for strength and courage. 

[czel10]

napakasakit talagang malaman na niloko tayo ng taong mahal natin. on my case i am pregnant for my first baby when i found out that my partner was flirting with his co worker. before text pa lang at hindi pa ganun kalala kinausap ko na yung girl na tumigil na sila kung ano man yung pwede pa nilang gawin but after a few months nalaman ko trough a letter (i found on my partner's wallet) that they still communicating or even exchanging text or call since pag nag check ako ng cp niya erase na lgi yung call log and keeping away his cp on me. what was on the letter is the girl asking why umiiwas na yung partner ko sa kanya when i confronted him he told me nga na nakokonsenxa siya kaya iniiwasan na niya yung girl and say sorry for what he'd done. that was happened a 1 month ago pero and hirap makalimutan lalo na kasama niya pa din sa work yung grl. i promised to my self if magcheat ulit siya kailangan maging matatag ako na iwan na siya. what was really hurt is ginagawa ko lahat para lang makuntento siya sa kin. dahil wala akong work ngayon since pregnant ako sobrang asikaso ko sa kanya. hindi ako dating ganito pero ang laki ng pinag bago ko para lang ipakita sa kanya na walang dahilan para magcheat pa siya.pero may mga lalaki ata talaga na pasaway. wala pa naman akong prove sa ngayon pero i feel na may kalokohan na naman siya. im planning to go home on my own house para makapag isip at mgakaroon ng peace of mind since na dedepressed talaga ako pag andito ko sa kanila and kawawa naman yung baby ko. am i right about my decision? please help me...

[Janelc]

First gusto ko magthank you sa mga advices nio sa thread na move on or hold on. Di ako makareply dun so dito na lang since same naman yung topic. Gusto ko lang ulit humingi ng advice. I just found out the other day na nabuntis ng husband ko yung kaaffair nya sa barko. 3months n plang preggy yung girl nung bumaba sila.  she gave birth last October lang. Hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko now. Sobrang devastated na ko. My husband acknowledged the child and signed sa birth cert nito. Ano pa bang ibang options ko. Im so much hurting! Mahal ko pa rin sya and I can feel na ganun din naman sya sa akin. Natakot sya na sabihin sakin na nabuntis nya yung girl dahil nung nalaman ko pa lang yung tungkol sa infidelity sobrang depressed nako. What more yung may anak sya sa iba. Ayaw na daw nya dagdagan yung pain na nararamdaman ko that time. Nagusap kami last night and nagiyakan humingi sya ng sorry paulit ulit dahil naging mahina sya. Sabi nya hindi nya mahal yung girl at nadala lang ng lungkot sa barko. Aware yung girl na pamilyado sya. I can see na nahihirapan din sya dahil di naman sya nagopen up kahit kanino. Ito pa rin dilemma ko, im torn between moving on on my own and holding on a little longer. Sobrang sakit gusto ko na lang makipaghiwalay pero may part pa rin na ayaw sya iwan lalo sa time nato na i feel need nya ko dahil wala syang makakapitan. Sabi nya bigyan ko daw sya ng chance na ayusin lahat to. Hindi ko alam gagawin, nagpepray lang ako palagi ngayon for strength and courage. 

Sis mamameng I feel you halos pareho tayo ng experience ganyan din nanyari Kay hubby and his kabitch nagkaanak sila and the baby is now 1 yr old. Hubby acknowledged the baby too although LDR sila nagyari ang buntisan nung magbakasyon sa pinas si hubby. He was very remorseful nakipag hiwalay sya Kay kabitch (sabi nya) at nangakong susustentuhan na Lang ang baby  I chose to hold on for the sake of my kids at mahal ko pa rin  naman si hubby although ang hirap mag move on pabalik balik ang sakit. There are times talaga that my mind works overtime lagi pa rin akong nagdududa.  Prayer helps a lot sis heto ngayon ang kinakapitan ko. Good luck sa actin sis.

[Girltalker2]

Pero hindi bumitiw yung mga tita ko for one reason hindi sa pagyayabang pero well off kase yung side namin and lahat ng tito ko may sarisariling lupa at bahay lahat silang magkakapatid nakatira sa sarili nilang lupa and ang reason nila?

Bakit kami bibitiw oo masakit apak pride pero mas masakit kung bibitaw kami tapos yung kab!tch pa ang makinabang sa asset ng mga asawa nila. Paano kung magkaroon sila ng anak ed damay pa yung mga legal na anak, kumbaga ang reason bakit ka bibitaw ano yun binigyan mo sila ng peace of mind kase hiwalay na sila? tapos ikaw ngawa? tapos sila ok? kung mas malaki income mo sis sige ok lang kumbaga magsama sila sa papag pero kung hindi wag naman ikaw at yung anak mo ang magsacrifice.

Kapag may kabit ang mga tito mo sis, it does not preclude them from having anak sa labas. Thus, kahit hindi bumitiw mga tita mo, puede parin magkaron ng anak sa labas yung mga tito mo.

Tsaka for me hindi lahat kasi pera. There are times when you can earn enough naman, kahit mas malaki ang income ng lalaki, never mind kasi you cannot buy peace of mind din - I am referring to peace of mind na wala kang iniisip na asan ang asawa mo o sino ang kasama nya o ano kayang mga sakit ang puede mo masagap sa kanya.

Sakin kasi kahit gaano kalaki income ng naglolokong lalaki, it is not a "sacrifice" to stay away from him, kasi "sacrifice" din naman to stay. You just have to weigh lang nga kung alin ang mas sacrifice for you.

I'm not well off but i am financially independent from my husband. I can also give my daughter a good life without him.

Just weigh things and Pray muna. Darating karin sa tamang oras kung sigurado ka na sa decision mo to stay o darating din yung time na gusto mo na umalis.  In time, you will know what to do.

Pareho din tayo sis, I am financially independent.  Pero mas malaki kinikita ng ex ko when we were married. But when we got separated, nagkanda leche leche ang buhay nya.  He left his work for a business, so up until now di ko alam kung front lang nya wala syang pera, pero he had to sell his sports car narin. I heard either he left his mistress narin or his mistress left him, either way wala nakong pakialam, magsama man sila o hindi, buhay man sya o hindi.  Mas masarap lang ang tulog ko sa gabi nang walang inaalala.

I just found out the other day na nabuntis ng husband ko yung kaaffair nya sa barko. 3months n plang preggy yung girl nung bumaba sila.  she gave birth last October lang. Hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko now. Sobrang devastated na ko. My husband acknowledged the child and signed sa birth cert nito. ... I can see na nahihirapan din sya dahil di naman sya nagopen up kahit kanino. Ito pa rin dilemma ko, im torn between moving on on my own and holding on a little longer. Sobrang sakit gusto ko na lang makipaghiwalay pero may part pa rin na ayaw sya iwan lalo sa time nato na i feel need nya ko dahil wala syang makakapitan. Sabi nya bigyan ko daw sya ng chance na ayusin lahat to. Hindi ko alam gagawin, nagpepray lang ako palagi ngayon for strength and courage. 

Sometimes pala love between the 2 of you may not be enough. Paano kung kaharap nya yung babae, sinasabi din nya na love nya yung babae?  Baka puede mag usap nalang kayong 3 as adults, para malaman mo na wala naman talaga sila, at tutulong nalang kayo na i-raise yung baby. 

Pero naninikip ang dibdib ko sis for you.  I went through the same dilemma. And I was willing to raise the bastard din kasi worry ko, magiging sakit sa ulo yung bata in the future kung hindi mapalaki mabuti.  In any case, it did not work din kasi sabi ng ex ko di daw nyako iiwan, pero nandyan na daw, wala na kaming magagawa. Pero nung nalaman ko na may kasunod pa pala yung panganay nya sa labas, I then decided na it was too much. Now that I am out of my marriage, may isa pala akong factor na hindi iniisip. Yung pride, kahihiyan at embarrassment to society, to friends, to relatives, to parents, etc.  Given what I know now, and what I went through, I would have left him earlier.  I am not in Pinas right now and being in another country made me realize, may mukha din pala ako na dapat iharap sa ibang tao, hindi lang "kami".   I have to make sure kaya ko pa tumingin ng direcho sa ibang tao at hindi nahihiya - come to think of it, bakit nga naman ako mahihiya eh hindi ko naman kagagawan.  But then if I stick with him, we are 1, through thick and thin, kaya wala talaga akong mukha na maiharap sa iba, nakakahiya. Hindi ko lang alam how the legit kids will feel once they get to know this or their friends would know about it.

Sis, di ko sinasabi iwan mo sya, but weigh things carefully. In my case mas madali iwan kasi ginawa nya the 2nd time around.  Sayo, ang masasabi ko lang, wala ka naman choice but to give him a chance right now. Pero given the same circumstances, ano ang guarantee na magiging matatag sya next time, na hindi lalakas ang loob nya kapag di ka kaharap (in which case he would find himself most often in tempting situations without you).

im planning to go home on my own house para makapag isip at mgakaroon ng peace of mind since na dedepressed talaga ako pag andito ko sa kanila and kawawa naman yung baby ko. am i right about my decision? please help me...

Sometimes you need to get away to be able to make an objective decision.  Kasi naalala ko in my case dati, hindi ako makawala kasi just as I have made up my mind, andyan na naman sya, lalambot na naman puso mo, aasa ka na naman na everything is ok kasi kung umasta sila parang wala talagang nangyaring milagro sa labas.  So para makapag isip what you really want, kung kaya mo ba talagang wala sya sa buhay mo and if you are better off, talk to someone close to you, your family. I am sure mas maliliwanagan ka.

[mamaneng]

7th anniversary namin today....ayaw ko sana lumabas pero may mga need gawin. Ang sakit sakit sakit ng dibdib ko. Mukha na naman akong craulo mamaya kc khit san na lang ako abutin napapaiyak ako. Titignan na naman ako ng mga tao sa MRT kaso may mga gagawin ako talaga ngayon. Mamaya balak ko rin pumunta sa agency nila pra ireport yung girl. Di ko alam kung tama peto bhala na. God help me get through this day! 

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, punuin mo nalang ang sched mo para di mo masyado muna iyan naiisip.
ang importante, you have decided to stay with your husband, so kelangan mo panindigan.  anniversary ninyo ngayon, your hubby naman siguro sabi mo is trying. 

what will your trip to the agency achieve?

[mamaneng]

^thank u sis, sa advise mo. Hindi ko kayang harapin yung girl baka kung ano magawa ko lalo na sya pa matapang kung magsalita. She's blaming my husband kasi binuntis daw sya. Immature sya kausap. Gusto ko sya ireport sa agency para di na sya makabalik sa work, para makaganti.

Meron elder sa church namin na hiningan ko rin ng advice kasi she went through the same situation 6 or 8 years ago. This morning decided na ko pumunta sa agency pero dumating sister ko and told me na kinukumusta ako ng elder na yun and sabihan daw ako kung meron daw ako plan to complain eh wag ko na ituloy. Sabi nya to keep praying and to lift my burdens to God para hindi ako ma consume ng anger and pain and makagawa ng mga bagay na I'll regret later on. Siguro its divine intervention na dumating si sister bago ko umalis. Kaya I changed my mind. Bahala na ang Diyos sa kanila.

Di pa rin ako makadecide sis if I'll move on or hold on to this marriage. I need more time, masyado pang fresh mga nangyari.

[Girltalker2]

^ I agree with your church elder na huwag mo na patulan.

Though sometimes very tempting sabunutan and all, wala naman magagawang mabuti yun.  Normally kasi yung mga third party na nagpapabuntis (kahit alam na may asawa na yung guy) is talagang matatapang sila. Kasi ready sila magpalaki ng tyan no matter what.  Kaya ganun lang sila umasta.  So kung talunan sila at hindi sila successful to get their guy, natural lang maging defensive sila kasi palaban na ang mga personalities nila to begin with.

At normal lang din sa naloko ng asawa (like us) na unang mainis at buntungan ng galit ang babaeng malalandi na pumapatol sa mga asawa natin.  Pero come to think of it, hindi naman sila lalandi or mabubuntis kung walang ginagawa yung mga asawa natin.  So both the malanding babae at husband ang may mali.  Kung gusto mo gumanti, dapat lang din sa asawa mo at hindi lang sa babae.  Pero I bet you, ayaw mo nga gantihan ang asawa mo ngayon, so hindi fair na sa babae ka lang gaganti.

Pero teka, bakit sinisisi ng babae ang asawa mo. Hindi ba dalawang tao dapat ang may kasalanan kaya may nangyayari?  Nirape ba sya ng asawa mo?  Eh pumatol din naman sya.

If hindi ka pa maka decide, take your time (huwag mo lang paabutin ng 1 decade).  Pray.  Mag ipon ka as much savings as you can.  Continue to take care of yourself and your kids (? you have kids?). 
Eventually, once you make up your mind, either way, ready ka. At lahat ng nagawa mo are just positive things for you and your future.

[aquacharly]

MAMANENG, so you are back sa original question mo: to hold on or to  leave

Que you hold on or you leave --  the pain of betrayal will be there for some time. So, GIVEN yan, so hwag na natin pag usapan.

CAN YOU TRUST him again?
If YES, you choose to trust again, ok hold on ka.  Don't nag. Don't think of his betrayals na.
If NO, you cannot trust him again,   -- well, that's The End of your marriage.  Hindi mo kelangan umalis as in physically lumayo sa kanya NOW  --  But you know in your heart na it is just a matter of time, iwanan ka nya or iwanan mo sya.  It will happen either way, sooner or later.   
IF you aren't financially capable --  work on your advancement then walk out on him later. 

Sa getz ko sa cuento mo, medj reconciled ka na sa Betrayal nagawa nya.  Ang pabigat sa yo now is the Bastard.  Oo masakit yan kc forever & ever proof of his betrayal yan.  But do not look at it as a problem with no ending --  hindi yan like cancer na bitbit mo forever, na ika mamatay mo. 

It is actually not your problem, though affected ka.  The Bastard is primarily the Harot's problem;  then secondarily, your husband's.  YOU DECIDE if you will let the Bastard affect you big-time or small-time.  Kung hindi ka over-acting,  you will choose small-time. Just saying.  Parang: look at it as an elephant in the room or as just as a langaw  in the room? Your  choice. 

[Janelc]

MAMANENG, so you are back sa original question mo: to hold on or to  leave

Que you hold on or you leave --  the pain of betrayal will be there for some time. So, GIVEN yan, so hwag na natin pag usapan.

CAN YOU TRUST him again?
If YES, you choose to trust again, ok hold on ka.  Don't nag. Don't think of his betrayals na.
If NO, you cannot trust him again,   -- well, that's The End of your marriage.  Hindi mo kelangan umalis as in physically lumayo sa kanya NOW  --  But you know in your heart na it is just a matter of time, iwanan ka nya or iwanan mo sya.  It will happen either way, sooner or later.   
IF you aren't financially capable --  work on your advancement then walk out on him later. 

Sa getz ko sa cuento mo, medj reconciled ka na sa Betrayal nagawa nya.  Ang pabigat sa yo now is the Bastard.  Oo masakit yan kc forever & ever proof of his betrayal yan.  But do not look at it as a problem with no ending --  hindi yan like cancer na bitbit mo forever, na ika mamatay mo. 

It is actually not your problem, though affected ka.  The Bastard is primarily the Harot's problem;  then secondarily, your husband's.  YOU DECIDE if you will let the Bastard affect you big-time or small-time.  Kung hindi ka over-acting,  you will choose small-time. Just saying.  Parang: look at it as an elephant in the room or as just as a langaw  in the room? Your  choice. 

Sis Aquacharly swak na swak sa akin ang ang post mo.  Thank you na enlightened talaga ako kasi problema ko talaga si bastard kasi siya yung reminder ng betrayal ni hubby at habang buhay silang may koneksyon ni kabitch dahil sa bata. I am even thinking long term what if someday hubby decides to bring him over to have a better future hindi ko yata kakayanin.  I know I should not be thinking this advance hindi ko pa nga nageget over ang betrayal one day at a time dapat but I can't help it.  There are days when I would just give him the silent treatment  at si loko naman clueless kung bakit na naman ako galit so he would come home with 2 dozen roses and take out from my fave resto.  Normal ba to minsan parang mas madali pa yatang mag move na lang haist!

[Girltalker2]

^ oo nga noh, mga anak sa labas will be a life long dilemma. Pero ang ok naman sayo sis is at least alam mo malayo sa inyo ang kabit at bata.

I think you should talk it out kay hubby mo anong balak nya. And lay down your rules kung ano ok sayo at kung ano yung hinding hindi puede nya gawin. At least malinaw - like huwag na huwag nya i-attempt dalhin anak nya sa labas dyan sa inyo, etc.

[fegloria1954]

Mommy Fe here.

Looking back, I now know why I felt miserable after knowing about the affair and the many episodes of womanizing (thqt led to loss of several babies due to miscarriage as he brought me home STD).

I thought I was at fault, I was to blame, I had sins of omissions and sins of commissions, I had shortcomings, I was not beautiful enough, I was not sexy enough, I was not exciting enough in bed, etc. etc. etc.  I spiralled down the abyss of despair and misery that caused me to have nightmarish dreams and, even as I cried tons if tears before I slept, I would also cry copious tears as I slept.
Until one day, I found this article that seemed to be speaking to me, "It is not YOU."

That article talked of how we are "trained" as children as to what marriage is all about - through what we see happening with our own parents, our relatives, our neighbors, even the parents of our friends.  And if things are not explained to us -
that marriage is a commitment that is exclusive and lifetime to the husband and wife, that commitment, love, forgiveness and trust are all decisions we will need to make each and everyday of our married life, AND, that conflict between a husband and a wife is inevitable since they grew up in different families and could have different needs, wants, values, ideals, interests, etc. (and even if they do have similar ones, their priorities could still differ) - and the best thing to do in case of conflict is to confront the conflict, discuss, negotiate and compromise if need be,
then we can end up growing into adults who will reflect the same behaviors we saw the adults do when we were younger.  Reading that article helped me realize that the man I married would have still behaved the same way even if it was not me he had married.  It was NOT me.  It was HIM, his actions, his behaviors.

You know what I felt when I realized that?  I pitied him.  For not having had the opportunity to grow up in a "healthier" atmosphere.  For being such a weak person that he forgot all about the sacrament of matrimony and its being exclusive and lifetime for him and me.  I prayed for his enlightenment, and for mine, AND for help.  And months later i read about a marriage help program for hurting couples like we were.

Where are we now?  We are trekking the road of forgiveness, making amends and healing.  And along with us are our two children, who had suffered along with me, in their own ways.  Imagine being a child of two people who you think did not seem to love each other, and so what does that make you - and anak of kalibugan?  That is one major source of identify crisis!  Imagine later seeing your parents forgive each other, make amends and heal.  So, our daughter made the decision that she can after all trust men - she got married at the age of 37.  Our son married the first girl he ever seriously courted, at the age of 28.

As we now near the 4th decade of our marriage, i can say that life was certainly very very bad, for about three decades.  But life now is really really very good.  I cannot ask for anything more than what I am handed each and every day.  All I want now is to stand tall and tell other hurting mserable wives that you are not to blame, AND that life can be better - with the same man you married.

Mommy Fe

[aquacharly]

^yes, exactly.. As I have been saying in other ways.

It's not you, it's him.
Do not doubt yourself, sya yung tinimbang at kulang.   For we  are imperfect people in imperfect marriages trying for Perfection.  And he is the one who fails at working on the marriage with his lack of integrity & lapse in moral judgment.  So do not ever allow him to turn the tables on you. Who effed around ba? 

And YES --  a Betrayal if positively and proactively dealt with, as long as there is continuing True Remorse  & Reform --  can yield a deeper, stronger & happier bond between the spouses.  How? By stripping all pretenses & forced pakikisama. As in, you 2 look at your real selves --  your own self, & your spouse.  Knowing one's self truly can be very liberating. 

And it is true:  children of conflicted marriages find it extremely difficult to trust marriages can bring one happiness. Hence, these children marry later than most.  Which is good, in a way.
Or, marry young to escape the continuing tension & hostility at home.  Which is bad, for most since History repeats itself until The Lesson is learned.