Emotionally and verbally abused daughter by her own dad

[yelle]

Hi sissies,

*sigh* I can't sleep... I need to get this off my chest. Sana po you could help me enlighten about my problem. An incident happened tonight, my 10 yr. old daughter and her dad fought about her not studying hard. Pasang-awa kasi nakuha niya sa quizzes kaya tinutulungan siyang mag aral. But the thing is, napapansin ko everytime na nagrereview or study silang mag ama nauuwi sa galit. Same thing happened tonight. While I'm busy preparing the bed in our room bigla nalang napatakbo si daughter sa room sabi niya "mommy mommy... Natatakot ako kay daddy" this time nakita ko talaga sa face niya na takot siya sa dad niya. So I told her to sleep and I'll tuck her to bed nalang.

So nasa room niya na kami, and then she confessed something na nakapanghihina ng loob. Sabi niya na everytime when I'm not around or hinahatid siya ng dad niya sa school, pinapagalitan siya ng dad niya and sinasabihan siya ng hindi maganda like "ang bobo bobo mo," "wala kang kwentang anak, itatak mo sa isipan mo yan," "pangit mo (just mouthing the words)" "sarap mong suntukin kung pwede ko lang gawin" etc. while she's trying to remember those incident pinipigilan niya pag luha niya. Sabi niya wala naman akong ginagawang masama mommy, hindi ko alam kung anong ginawa ko" I was so floored sa mga confessions niya. She told me na it's affecting her sa school, nalilimutan niya lang when she's around with her friends sa school.

I was so shocked kasi alam ko hindi siya nagsisisnungaling. It's really heart breaking for me to find out that she is being bullied by her own father! which reminds of an incident nung baby pa lang siya weeks old palang, madaling araw noon I was half awake kasi palitan kami sa pag bantay sa kanya si daughter iyak ng iyak I saw him slammed her on his shoulder, I can tell malakas yun, I was shocked and in denial up to now, I wanted to take her away pero sa sobrang fresh at sakit pa ng operation ko. I never confronted him, akala ko masamang panaginip lang siya. And I'm carrying that burden in my heart until now. I even forgave him of infidelity but that's another story.

Ayokong lumaki ang daughter ko na walang self esteem, insecure etc. Ang sakit. I just reassured her that I love her so much no matter what, hugging her until she slept.

Sa totoo lang gusto ko na siyang iwan with my 2 kids, but I don't want to act out of anger. Please help me enlighten about this.

TIA

[Respect]

Mukhang may malaking problemang dinadala o sadyang may sayad sa kokote yang asawa mo, akala ko sa pelikula lang ganyan. Bilang isang ama, sa tingin ko normal lang na minsan magalit ka sa anak mo kung mali ang kanyang ginagawa at itama ang kanyang pagkakamali pero ang i-down mo pa eh ibang usapan na yan. Baba talaga ang self-esteem ng bata, mawawala confidence ng bata and worst is magrebelde.

Sa case ko, ako ang nagagalit sa tuwing may naririnig akong masamang sinasabi sa anak ko na alam ko na hindi dapat sabihin sa mga murang edad. Mas nag-iimprove ang bata pag pinupuri at na-aapreciate kahit maliit na effort pa yan.

Maganda dyan magusap kayo ng asawa mo, dalasan nyo ang family bonding nyo at iparamdam mo sa anak mo na palagi ka andyan para sumuporta para sa kanya (sa anak mo).

[babyboo.0326]

sister, i think your husband needs professional help. kahit kausapin mo pa siguro siya ng maayos, mahinahon at i-sugar coat mo pa ang mga sasabihin mo, nothing will change that attitude of him. and besides, anak mo na yang pinag-uusapan. the mere fact na nagtapat na sayo ang anak mo ibig sabihin lang hindi na niya kaya. you have to stand up for your kids na.

sige, i-assure mo ang bata na you're always there for them, your child needs to hear and feel that from you. pero you have to do something about your husband din. hindi yan normal na gawain at sabihin ng isang ama (lalo na the one incident you said about you just being newly birthed). and hindi pwedeng excuse na sabihin niyang "mainit lang ang ulo niya kaya niya nasabi yon" that's the lamest excuse you could get.

think about it, kawawa ang mga anak mo if lalaki silang ganyan ang naririnig nila straight from their own dad, then ask yourself, "will i allow this to happen to my kids and see them being hurt and in pain, emotionally and psychologically?".

it's easy for me to say, kasi i'm not in your sitauation. i don't know the real story. but, Ma'am, those are your kids na involved. if they cannot receive protection, love, care, et cetera from their father, sayo nalang sila pwedeng makakuha niyan.

hoping for the best for you and your kids 

[aquacharly]

You belong to some church group or similar religion-based group like Couples?
Who will he listen to? His dad, mom?  Your father/mom???

You must find a way to solve this -- it cannot go on. 
Your 10yr old needs professional help.

[momentum]

aside from the other advises ng sisters dito, it is best if your husband doesn't tutor or help your kid with her studies anymore. Ikaw nalang gumawa nun (bakit nga ba hindi ikaw nagtuturo?) or if you can't, hire a tutor if you really need one. Teaching is suppose to be encouraging, hindi ganyan.
Kung puwede rin wag mo na ipahatid sa asawa mo sa school.

have you confronted your husband? you should stand your ground.
maybe take the kids to your parents house first in the meantime while you and your husband talk about this coz based on your kwento, I feel like he will make a scene or mag OA once you open this up to him and you wouldn't want your kids to see that

[yelle]

Bro & Sissies maraming salamat sa mga advice nyo.

Nakapag-usap na kami ng husband ko, I confronted him this morning and I told him about dun sa napag-usapan namin ng daughter ko last night. He told me na dahil sa galit kaya niya nasabi yon,matigas daw kasi ang ulo. I told him na this will be the last time na bibigyan ko siya ng pagkakataon to fix what he had done to our daughter. Because honestly, I'm done of him. Lahat ng heartaches na natanggap ko sa kanya dati that I'm still trying to heal biglang bumalik lahat, yung trust na pilit kong binubuo for the sake of our family is shaken, but not with my kids.. He told me he's sorry at hindi na daw mauulit. Ayokong paniwalaan hangga't hindi ko nakikita. Kung gagawin man niya ulit I promise to myself na I'll bring my kids with me sa Davao which is my hometown. We don't need him, aanhin ko ba ang isang ama sa family namin kung hindi naman siya mapagmahal na ama.


@Respect I agree, siguro nga kulang din kami sa bonding. Kaso kung may panahon man na nagbobond kami siya yung parang wala eh, alam mo yun, parang I'm the one running this family nga eh. I need him to stand up for us.

@babyboo thanks sis, I think my daughter needs the professional help more than him. Kaya pala for the past year she's not her usual self anymore, pag magkasama sila ng dad niya medyo tahimik siya. Dati kasi close sila, lately ko lang napansin, ang according to my daughter nag simula lang nung grade 4 siya. Kasi when I'm around ok lang naman eh wala akong naririnig na masasakit na salita, pag wala ako dun na.

@aquacharly sis may ma-recommend ka ba na professional help sa ganitong case or a program? Hindi ko pa kasi alam kung saan ko siya dadalhin kung sakali. I told him din na ayusin bumawi siya sa ginawa niya, he's willing to do it naman. Pero this will be the final straw na.

@momentum yes sis I confronted him. Sa pagtuturo palitan na man kami, when I'm around nagagalit siya pero yung nasa katwiran naman at walang verbal abuse. Pag wala ako dun niya nagagawa according to my daughter. 2 years din kasi siya sa abroad dati kaya I'm giving him this chance na magkabond ulit silang mag-ama, kasi dati close talaga sila. Gusto ko man silang dalhin sa parents ko but it's not an option for now, kasi they're in Davao. Siguro nga maghahire na ako ng tutor for her kasi kung ako lang mag isa hindi ko kaya because I'm working din.

[momentum]

^ I admire your strength sis. Imo, tama yang gagawin mo, last straw for your husband to fix the abuse he did and if wala ka makita, then better off nga na wala na siya sa inyo. Wag sana niya takutin daughter nyo na wag magsusumbong sayo if ever gawin niya uli to.. Tell your daughter narin na no matter what, wag siya matakot na magsumbong sayo if maulit uli ito.

Tama, hanap ka nalang ng tutor sis. 

[chicafabulosa]

As a mom sis I would advice you to let your daughter seek professional help. It affects her schooling already and she needs help to get over this trauma. Your husband also needs help. Have you ever talked to him baka may problem syang dinadala but still not a reason for him to verbally abuse his kid.

Talk to him, let him know what your daughter feels towards him. And also let him know how it affects your kid. Walang normal na parent na magsasabi na pangit ang sariling anak. Para sa atin ang anak natin ang pinakamaganda/pinakagwapo sa lahat. He needs to learn how to make his own daughter loved and he needs to help her build her self confidence. Hindi yung sya pa mismo sisira sa trust nung bata sa sarili nya. With every hurtful word we said to our child,it has a corresponding result sa kanila. Maaring maganda, maaring masama. God has given us the gift to become a parent so we can raise a child full of love, positive outlook in life. He needs to understand God has given him the chance to become a parent because He trust him to raise her into a good person. As a parent, we have the power to make or break this innocent child. Now kung di makinig asawa mo, you need to choose another plan how to make him regret things he have said and done toy our child. Ang anak di napapalitan, ang asawa napapalitan sis. Just remember that

[aquacharly]

Sis YELLE:  Honey Carandang has a group of child psychologists.  I really urge you to bring your daughter soonest to minimize her psychological damage.
I will also ask for a referral.

Atchaka, I forgot to tell you:  it's best that parents do not tutor their own kids --  it takes a lot of patience!  Better to pay than to damage the relationship between parent & child. 

Your decisiveness is a good example to many here.  That if he does not go into True Remorse & Reform -- you will dump him & go to Davao.  Yes, a life with an abusive father to your kids is not worth it -- best to be a single supportive & loving mom.

God bless you more. 

[molybdenumstudios]

Sis threadstarter, your hubby reminds me of my friend's mother na super taas ng false pride. He has a problem, kaya it's either you reprimand him assertively, or leave him. I am not yet a parent, pero anak rin ako. I actually will separate with a guy who cannot be a good father to his child. Dapat strict but fair/just, as in strict out of love, not being strict out of pride. Actually, he is the type of Vater/otochan na strikto out of pride. Well, leave it to karma.

Apologies if I sound harsh.

[joban99]

Hi sis, I agree with most of the other comments here. If he doesnt get his act together and seek professional help, its best to leave him for the sake of your kids. For me the tutoring isnt really even the core issue here (pero I agree with Aquacharly, mas maganda to have someone else tutor the kids. Kahit sa kids ko rin, mahirap talaga kasi syempre you come from work & youre tired na rin kaya you get cranky a bit faster). As you said, kahit pag hinahatid nya anak mo, he verbally abuses her and even when she was a baby, he did that thing. So its not only about this tutoring incident, may problema talaga ang asawa mo and no one else, hes the only one at fault here. So until he fixes that, nothing will be resolved. Kailangan tutukan mo ng mabuti ang asawa mo kasi as you said, he usually does that when youre not around. If it goes on, then the best thing you can really do is leave him.

[twelvth_goddess]

That's very heartbreaking sis. I can't imagine why any parent would say those kinds of things to their own child. Bottomline is, I will never allow such thing to happen to my child. Imagine the emotional trauma that this will cause to the kid.

I think you need to put a distance between your spouse and your child. Your husband needs to get his act together and seek professional help. Emotional and verbal abuse effects go a long way, I should know. My mom kase super sakit magsalita. Actually, ganyan mga lines nya sa sister ko. You wouldnt want your child to grow up insecure and angry.

[Annie M.]

I'm usually just a silent reader of this forum but really had to comment when I saw your post. I myself had a verbally abusive dad growing up. Araw-araw din akong sinasabihan na bobo ako. Ako daw ang dahilan ng kamalasan nya sa buhay. Even until college (to think I went to U.P. - hindi naman ako kabobohan), he made it a habit to put me down and criticize everything I did.

So finally, when I was 20+ years old and had a good job and enough money to move out of our house, umalis na talaga ako. It was such a relief, being free from parental control. And while I still visit our house and see my dad every week or so, hindi na nya ako pwedeng maliitin. Moving out was the best thing I ever did. It was such a relief.

Now that I'm much older and wiser, I am beginning to understand that my father's actions had nothing to do with me -- it was all about his low self-esteem. Hindi nya nakamit ang mga pangarap nya for his career, so he took it out on me. During those years when I he belittled me everyday, he was depressed about not being promoted, not getting the financial rewards he deserves, etc. And naghanap sya ng pagbubuntungan -- at ako yun, a helpless child.

My suggestion is that you talk to your husband. Perhaps he is struggling with issues of his own and is also 'being bullied' outside of the home - not bully talaga, pero alam mo yun, baka sa officce hindi napapansin ang hard work nya, baka hindi sya masaya sa trabaho, etc. May pinagmumulan yan, sis. Aside from focusing on your child, listen to your husband, too. Baka all he needs is to let out his frustrations.

I pray for you and your family. Like you, my mom was caught in the middle of me and my dad. You must be feeling lost. Pero alam kong malalampasan mo yan. Hang in there.

[BDJ]

Ask ko lang magkahiwalay ba kayo ng asawa mo? The nerve lang of that father ha! Kasi kung ako makikipag away ako ng marahas niyan. Seems that your husbands has so many past issues or even present issues na ang napagbabalingan ay ang daughter niyo. Ewan ko kung magkahiwalay ba kayo pero kung ako sayo ilayo mo anak mo sa tatay niya. O di kaya dadalhin ko na sa psychologist yang asawang yan. I am telling you now huwag mong palakihin ang anak mo na being emotionally and verbally abused or else baka maligaw ng landas ang anak mo.

I have cousins who became verbally and emotionally abused when they were still a kid. I never witness it although my mom told me so about them. Pero naghiwalay rin ang Tito ko at ang mom ng cousins ko for some reason. So yun nga lang broken family sila when they were still a kid. But guess what? Napalaki ng Mom nila ng maayos yung mga anak without my Uncle and now they are even successful. Ang alam ko nga yung isang cousin ko parang principal sa Ateneo sa high school department eh! Nakakatravel pa sila sa Paris at ibang bansa na buong family with grandchildren na pero ano? Wala ang Tito ko run. Tapos Tito ko bagsak ang buhay niya na naging palaboy kung kani kanino lang tumitira. I could imagine my cousin kung hindi naghiwalay ang parents nila baka that could be worst at naging ligaw ang landas nila.

Yes you can forgive your husband pero it does not mean na hahayaan mo na lang masaktan ng paulit ulit ang daughter mo. Forgiveness doesn't mean na magiging okay na lahat pati yung routine na pananakit niya verbally.

[molybdenumstudios]

Sis, I suggest you teach your husband a lesson. Leave him alone and bring your daughter with you to your hometown. He's not sending good vibes into the house, that's why you have to stay away from him (in a friendly way) for good.

[geneuse]

wag padalos dalos sa pag desisyon mga sis... (papuntahin mo na lang ng condo yang mister mo sabihin mo dala sya food) jk...

siguro yung husband mo need counseling. kailangan din nya mag undergo ng anger management.

pwede ring palit kayo ng status ng husband mo.. ikaw mag alaga ng kids nyo then sya mag work... para maiba naman ang kanyang environment..

separation is the last option. save your family... keep on praying sis.. To God be the Glory.