I'm not going to tell you the things you did wrong, who am I to say you're 'wrong', e sa yun ang nakita mong appropriate reaction at that time. And honestly, sa malamang e ganyan din ang magiging reaction ko (I think ganyan nga actually when I was in your shoes not so long ago. Hehe). But, there are things you can do moving forward.
Dun dapat direksyon ng utak at puso mo sis - always moving forward. Wag ka na mag-dwell sa away nyo nun, sa ayaw nyang gawin noon, sa hindi mo magawa noon --- tapos na lahat yon, wala na tayo magagawa dun. Yung bukas, yung mamaya, madami pa puede gawin.
First thing you need sis I think, is a BREATHER. As in. Malulunod ka talaga sa stress at problema kung hindi ka literal na kakawala muna for a moment. Alam ko it doesn't seem possible now, but you CAN make it possible. You have to. It will give you a clear head. For all you know, maybe that's what hubby needs too, a breather from the arguments, from the stress - para makita nyo pareho yung bigger picture, yung realidad ng mga nangyayari. Taking a step back is not 'running away' from the problem. It's just that, taking a step back so you can survey the issue from all possible angles and know how to 'attack' the issue.
Go to your parents' place, stay there for a couple of days. Tell hubby about it in a non-confrontational way (alam ko mahirap, pero kaya mo yan. Make sure you're in a good mood when you do it), and just tell him you're just going to take a breather. Bring your kid with you if you want (kung malapit lang your parents sa school ha). Bond with her, go to Tagaytay where there's lot of greenery. And sis, I swear, give yourself a chance to relax. Hindi man yon ang solusyon sa problema, yun ang puedeng maging simula.
Then, when it comes to work, wag mo isipin yung number of hours you work, yung clients you have to let go, yung income na nawawala - it's really going to destroy your mood. Granted, it will really affect your budget. I also did have to let go of clients at one point, dahil talagang naloloka na ko sa 4 na client (one full-time, the rest part-time), and it drastically changed our budget. Kung dati nakakapag-Sbarro, biglang Jollibee spaghetti na lang pag sinuswerte. Hehe. But guess what, when I started thinking of it not as a lifestyle 'downgrade' but just a welcome change, ay ang laking ginhawa. At ang sarap ng Jollibee spaghetti ay na-amplify 100 times.
It really IS a matter of perspective. Sounds like psychobabble, but it is true.
And it is going to help you feel lighter too, promise. Speaking from a very recent experience here.
When you fight, say what you have to say. But make sure that when the heat has subsided, reflect on your conversation and when you realize you've gone too far pala, don't hesitate to say sorry. Ganyan din ako pag inis na inis, pagod na pagod, at aning na aning na kakaiisip eh. I say things that are true, but can be hurtful. When I realize na nasaktan ko pala sya, I make it a point to say sorry. And guess what, it's as if the problems just melt away when you both learn to accept that nagkamali kayo in one way or another.
Hindi nawala yung problema, pero yung stress that's attached to it pala, yun ang nawawala. And you were both able to say what you have to say. And then it becomes a bit easier to deal.
And yes, if you can, please DO get a yaya. I know kaya naman kung sa kakayanin ang walang household help. But trust me when I say it's going to save more than your sanity.
Hindi talaga madali makahanap ng matinong yaya. We are just so lucky that though our yaya is not perfect, she's absolutely good enough for us. She's been with us for more than 4 years now, and although nagkakaproblema din sa kanya, tolerable and workable naman. You should at least try to find one. Kung may dumating, go, if it doesn't work out, look for another. Parang trial and error lang naman talaga ang 'search for the right household help' eh.
Just keep on trying, who knows, one of these days, dadating na yung sakto lang para sa inyo.
And oh yes, tell your friends about all these problems. Pag nailabas mo kasi (literal), parang gumagaan pakiramdam. Alam ko minsan hindi nila naintindihan 100%, especially kung di sila WAHM, kasi may kakaibang aspect din naman talaga, so if you don't think they're the proper channel to vent out to, by all means talk to me.
PM me sis, I'm ready to listen. <3 Hugs hugs galore sis.
