Exhausted Housewife Story

[wandergirl1980]

Hi FN sisses. This is my first time opening a thread here because I can't seem to find anything here where to post my story.
I became a work-at-home mom since 2010, after 7+ years of non-stop working in the BPO industry. Hindi naman ako masyadong nainip nung mag homebased ako kasi I got plenty of work via Odesk to keep me busy, then may yaya din ang daughter ko who was a little over a year then. In other words, I was having a good happy life. I'd earn over 35K a month, mas malaki pa sa office plus there wasn't the hassle of commute. Then in 2012, nagpaalam umuwi ng probinsya ang yaya ng anak ko as in biglaan, like paalam siya ngayon bukas na siya aalis. It wasn't the first time she did that, so nagpagkasunduan namin ng asawa ko na wag na pabalikin kasi nagugulo yung schedules namin. It wasn when everything went chaos. Since I have to take care of my daughter, do the household chores and at the same time work I was slowly losing my sanity. I also had to let go of other work, so yung income ko nag-decline to more than a half, siguro in a month naging 12-16k na lang. Madali na akong magalit because I found juggling all my tasks very challenging. Plus, you know how husbands are, hindi naman talaga sila kikilos sa bahay without you telling them. Eventually, I was able to deal with the situation after several times of arguments with hubby. Twice pa nga akong naglayas kasama ang anak ko pero bumalik din after namin mag-usap ni hubby.

Lately, though, things weren't good again. I'm feeling exhausted. Btw, my daughter already goes to school, so I have to make sure I have time to help her with assignments and teach her sa pagsusulat. That's another task. I feel like I'm drowning.

[wandergirl1980]

Hubby helps out with the household chores pero yun nga I have to tell him what to do to move. Sometimes I'd rather do things myself kesa utos pa ng utos. There's this feeling of self-pity, kasi di ka makalabas unless mag-grocery kayo, di ka makapanuod ng TV ng walang maingay, even with work it's hard for me to concentrate (I do content writing) kasi laging may TV background or noise background from daughter hahaha. Pag rest day ni hubby sa work, I'd expect him to do some more household chores so I can make up with my work, pero wala naman initiative. I wake up early to cook for breakfast kasi gusto ko they get to eat before going to work. The after that luto ng lunch, then clean the house, then sundo ng bata, then work 2-3 hours, then play time with daughter, then before I knew it gabi na naman. Yun ang routine.
 
Yung pamangkin ni hubby ang naglalaba at nagp-plantsa sa amin every weekend for 300 pesos. This weekend sabi ko I want to do it myself, kasi yung pamangkin maglalaba ng Saturday, tapos magtutupi ng damit kinabukasan na, so kesa nakahang pa yung mga sampay tinutupi ko na. Then magp-plantsa around 7 PM na so matatapos medyo late na. Sabi ko imbes na nagpapahinga na tayo  we have to wait for her to finish before we can lock the front door. Siyempre papasok din sa kwarto namin to put all the ironed clothes. So I said I'll do it. Pero pinaglaba pa rin nya kasi kelangan daw ng pera. So kinausap ko na si hubby, I said nag-usap na kami ng pamangkin mo sana pag may usapan na kami wag ka na makialam lalo na kung di nman makakagulo sa pagsasama natin. I said this isn't the first time you did that, can you please promise that you stay away from it. I was taken aback when he said at least di ako pagod atleast di mo na ako kelangan utusan. Sabi ko yun lang yun? Napapagod ka pag inutusan kita ng konti? Sabi ko di naman kita inuutusan pag may work ka. And he said ikaw pa. I was like, OMG, pagod ba ang issue dito. Medyo nakapag-mura ako, and I said kung pagod ka sa kaka-commute from Las Pinas to Ortigas, can you just imagine yung pagod ko sa lahat ng ginagawa ko sa bahay. He couldn't understand. That's another problem, he couldn't understand that even though I work from home, I have so much on my plate already.

Now we're not in speaking terms. I feel depressed with the situation. Pati daughter namin damay na. I felt I couldn't take care of them anymore. I felt drowned and I just want to leave them. My daughter is 4 years old and maka-mommy. Don't get me wrong I love them both, but I feel I'm rotten inside.

For months, I've been coping with this "exhausted housewife" feeling. Pasensya na medyo napahaba yung story. I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive or there's really something wrong. Btw, my inlaws leave 4-houses away from us, so that's another thing. Minsan pupunta dito yung pamangkin para maki-Internet, then kwentuhan sila ni hubby in full volume. So I'm like, can't I have some peace of mind hahaha. Haist, ang hirap din to leave near your inlaws no matter how nice they are. Just wondering if I'm alone in this kind of situation.

[girl24]

i understand you sis wandergirl1980... so much... 

best solution - get a yaya again. wag mo hayaan masira ang sanity mo. as you said before, you had a better time and better income when you had a yaya. hindi kasi lahat ng babae eh made for domestic bliss (isama mo na ako diyan). yung iba nagda thrive sa household chores...

hold on, trial lang yan. me solution sa problem.

[wandergirl1980]

@girl24...the problem with getting a yaya, 1.) mahirap maghanap ng mapagkakatiwalaan these days, better kung galing sa kakilala, right; 2.) speaking of kakilala, ang ending namin kukuha sa probinsya na kakilala ni hubby which is ganun yung nangyari sa first two that we had; 3.) and since kakilala ng inlaws, ang ending (again which happened in the first two instances), tine-training dun sa in-laws ko as katulong instead dito sa akin. Ewan kung anung klaseng pag-iisip yun, sinabihan ko na si hubby dati bakit in-laws mo ang mag-t-training eh dito sa atin maninilbihan. Another problem, since kakilala, tino-tolerate ni hubby lahat ng requests, kaya nga umabuso yung 2nd yaya namin. The problem si hubby lagiging nakiki-alam sa domestic chores decisions na kung tutuusin wala nman siyang alam. I would have wanted another yaya, but it's hubby vs. me ang labanan kaya lalong nakakainis. Isama mo pa pakikialam ng inlaws at siraan between them since galing sila sa iisang province. I asked my mom to help me find one, pero wala din daw syang mahanap. Kaya ang hirap din talaga.

[chicafabulosa]

Your problem is very easy to solve. Not a matter of life and death honestly. You feel exhausted because you have to do everything.. SOLUTION: get a household help. Problem solved.

You dont have to stress so much on these things wherein you know for sure whats the best solution. Once you have a maid again, then you can go back to work again just like you were doing before. Alam mo right now naiinis ka for sure not because of stressed ka sa chores eh, napufrustrate ka because you cant seem to do things you used to do before like you can go out anytime you like withiut worrying kung natapos na ba ang gawaing bahay and all. Plus malaking factor rin na lumiit kita mo, di mo man siguro pansin pero isa to sa factor bakit ka napufrustrate.

So before your marriage suffer, get a maid. Di naman siguro fair na magsuffer pagsasama nyo mag asawa just because nai stress ka sa dami ng gawaing bahay.

Sis I am speaking from my experience ha. I used to have a maid, and now wala na. Tita ko lang kasama ko. So sya ang bahala sa baby ko, sya sumama sa school ng anak ko. Then lahat ng household chores ako. Then pagtapos na, saka naman ang work ko to earn money. Then pag uwi ng baby ko, ako naman nagtuturo sa schoolworks nya. Then pag sleep na sya since maaga naman matulog sya, back to work again. Work lang ako at least 2 hrs ulit a night, then si hubby naman ang responsibility ko sa gabi. We talk about what happened the whole day and all.. Btw, sa morning sis i work for collection and marketing and sales ng company namin. Any its not a small company sis. Believe me, its a matter of managing your time.

[wandergirl1980]

@chicafabulosa, actually sis you have a point regarding the fact na the frustration comes because I could no longer do what I used to do without thinking about the household chores, same thing with my income. I appreciate your opinion and the rest of the sisses here. I guess I really just have to look for a reliable yaya for now and hopefully I'll find one soon

[Priceless]

You gotta learn how to let go. You don't have to be in control and things don't have to be how you want it all the time. Learn to accept (and be contented) even if things don't go your way or as you like it. Meals don't have to be home cooked all the time, take short cuts once in a while, and if the house is not uber clean or as neat as you would like it to be, then so be it.

Stay strong and positive!

[chicafabulosa]

No problem sis. Kasi that's what i felt rin before nung all of a sudden I cant go out and I dont earn as much I used tofrom corporate job. Ego thing yung akin kasi I have to rely with my hubby'sa llowance. Good thing I hadt he chance to work again sa office pero yun nga Ijust have to balance it out. Mahirap at first but of course you will have to adjust rin sis. Syempre isipin mo na lang na part of being married and family woman yan.

I pray you will find a reliable yaya. So relax ha! Ang mga wrinkles. Tryt o laugh it off. Watch feel good movies and also try to play pick me up songs para maenergize ka. Then... Pamper yourself while nasa school baby mo. Relax lang sis... Smile or laugh it off.. Dont be too hard on yourself

[chicafabulosa]

At least sis I made you laugh. Naku sis di pwede maging chaka tayo dahil sa stress... give yourself a break sis. Wag ka masyado mastress. Besides life is too short to live with stress and regrets... Dry, buy ka na lang ng facial scrub, do it while your child is out. 15-30 minutes for yourself is not bad. Paganda ka pa rin. And also i forgot to tell you, kahit sa house ka lang, dress up. Alam mo happy ako pag maganda ako kahit sa house lang..

Laugh, relax and pray.

[jeune]

Hi sis wandergirl, first I want to tell you you're a great mom and wife and I  know how you feel re husband although I don't have a kid yet and I haven't worked since we moved to Germany last year. I do almost EVERYTHING in the house and it's stressing me out sometimes. I wasn't used to staying at home because I was working for almost 6 years in the US and even then I still have to do majority of the household chores. The only time hubby will cook for me is when I'm sick and it's ramen noodles Like you, I want everything done how I wanted it but I learned that when I ask hubby to do some things for me, it doesn't have to be perfect and instead I give him compliments or show my appreciation. Also when I ask, I do it in a lambing way so it's not "too much" for him 

Let me share you about a friend of mine back in the States. We used to work together and we're both military wives. She worked full-time, with 2 kids, ( 7 & 1 at that time ) was pregnant with her 3rd (unplanned) and on top of that she was going to school full-time getting her Masters. She's also doing things with the kids in between, and cleans the house every weekend. When her husband deployed for 6 months she was doing all these by herself but she would hire a baby sitter from time to time when she has things to do in school. The oldest goes to school and can fend for herself, waits for her mom to get home from work, the second child is dropped off every morning at CDC and she picks him up after work. When she had the baby, her husband was only able to see her giving birth via Skype. She was always alone in the hospital during her stay because her MIL had to take care of the other 2. I wasn't in the States when she had the baby but I was there for her the entire time her husband was away to help her out in everything. She was a trooper and I admired her for being a super mom!

What I'm trying to say is, don't loose hope and be grateful you have the opportunity to get a nanny when others can't. If you can hire another one, do it. Maybe you need to step back and try a different approach on how you're going to deal with your husband as well. Or maybe you can send your daughter to a play school so you can focus on your work.

Lastly, find time for yourself. Sis chicafabulosa is right, paganda ka sis kahit sa bahay lang, malay mo iba ang maging epekto nyan kay hubby sipagin sa gawaing bahay Sabihin mo sis, gusto mo ng sexy time? tulungan mo muna ako sa gawaing bahay haha!

[la_chic]

i agree with our sisses here, it is very, very important that you make it a point to find time for yourself
in spite of your chaotic schedule.

yes sis, go and kuhain mo na yun yaya mo ulit so you can just... simply breathe.

it is a given fact that you cannot give 100% love and care to your family if you are not whole as a person, if you are so stressed and just broken.

so go ahead and spoil yourself even for just a few minutes a day..
do yoga, exercise, or do whatever makes you happy for these few minutes to even an hour a day,
and you will certainly see a big difference on your mood and energy.

always think positive sis and see the brighter side of things!

[aquacharly]

Know thyself, and set your priorities right. 

Be honest, know  what you can do, prefer to do, and how much of whatever you can do.
No woman can do it all. If a woman says that -- IMO, she's not really doing much. 
The better strategy is to advance your proficiency level for what you're good at &/or prefer to do.

As for your priorities --  I do not know how your priorities look like --  but,  being aware of how you line these up will be a good guide to how you live and manage each day.

But regardless of our different stations in life,  and unique circumstances, strengths & weaknesses --  each 1 of us seeks at the end of each day:
        The letting-go of the day's stress & challenges;
         Harmonious relationships with husband & children;  and
         A sense of  self achievement & advance

We each have our version of "coming home" at day's end to a place that exudes welcome, comfort & safety.  Each 1 in your family  yearns for that "sanctuary" at day's end.

Now, the key  to your  not growing old faster than your husband, to drawing him nearer to you each day, to being your daughter's center of her universe --  is competent & sufficient house help.

Hwag ka na mag tipid.  Hire trained helpers.  Of course, you gotta pay a premium for good helpers.  What you pay for is what you get.  Competent help will free you to do more work, to earn more.  You will be less tired, less resentful & angry.  You can welcome your husband with open arms & a big smile.  And should your kid need help with her studies -- better to get a tutor. Quesa magalit ka sa katuturo, and ma tense lang your kid. 

[marose17]

Stop micro-managing everything.  That's the root of your exhaustion.  Learn to delegate, let go and trust that the people around you are capable of doing their share.  You cannot do it all.

[daveigh]

^ agree. I was guilty of that after giving birth, kala ko kaya ko na kami lang ng anak ko at walang yaya. eh nagigising pa ang anak ko nun sa gabi. wow sumabog talaga ako. hindi rin naman kasi maalam pa si husband nung time na yun so when I was advised not to do everything, I realized they were right. Hindi ako superwoman. I have to delegate.

[momentum]

I like this thread thank you TS for sharing coz in some parts of your story I can seem to relate.. Especially the part where I have to teach my daughter (4yo) her assignments, sometimes when I see kaya naman siya turuan nung particular assignment na yun by the Yaya, I leave it to her na.. Coz I am also tired from work (I commute from Sucat to Ortigas everyday, waking up 3:45am to get to work before 6am) kaya imagine nalang my lack of sleep and patience hahah kasi naman I sleep most of the time 9:30-10pm everyday ..

Sometimes you have to let go talaga, kundi nakakabaliw. I'm a single mom,  I live with my mom and aunt and so I have to do my share of household responsibilities for staying with them.. No private space din talaga as it is not my house. But yeah, counting your blessings rin talaga is another key to help bring back sanity lol.

Get your former Yaya na since you know her na and your kid is used to her. Just as what you said, just set yung negotiables and non-negotiables to her. Good luck sis

[CentrumSilver]

From a male POV. The hubby should get involved in the household chores. Ang hindi ko lang nagawa ay ang mag breast feed ng anak namin. That's the wife's job. I help in the household chores. I cook, do laundry clean the house etc, etc. There is nothing wrong with the man of the house doing household chores.
I'm a better cook than the wife. Sabi ng wife ako na lang daw magluto, sabi ko she needs the training and practice. Na bad trip sa akin hahahaha. I am also hands on raising our kids.

[daveigh]

^ I commend you for being proactive on that. My husband is not that type but he is getting there. Initially I have to instruct him on everything, pero ngayon he is getting the drift.

[rannastillero]

Mahirap talaga sis pag umpisa, pero pag natuto ka nang mag balance ng bagay bagay, easy na lang yan promise!

Well ako at age of 21 Im a proud mother, nakatira kame sa house ng hubby ko, hands on sa lahat ng bagay, alaga ng baby laba ng damit, linis ng bahay, luto ng baon ni hubby at meals ko na rin, kung minsan nga ipinagluluto ko pa yung mga inlaws ko.
Nung una hirap na hirap ako, syempre napaka bata ko pa non to do all the chores haggardness ang peg ko, losyang kung losyang, almost 1 and a half year akong nasa bahay lang doing the same thing everyday. minsan di na ako makaligo lalo na pag clingy si baby na buhat buhat ko all day,hubby cant help me kasi 12 hours sya sa work so talagang tulog lang sya paguwe sa bahay. pero habang tumatagal na pe perfect ko na yung ganong sitwasyon as in kaya ko ng i handle ng walang ka hirap hirap. ngayon malaki na si baby 3 years old na sya mabait naman at madaling sabihan kaya wala akong problema, naiiwan namin sya sa inlaws ko habang nagtratrabaho kame ni hubby from 9-6pm.

Sanayan lang yan, at be happy always, gawing goal ang pagiging best wife. heheh at syempre wag kalimutang i pamper ang sarili. tangal stress yun eh. 

[wandergirl1980]

speaking of getting our old yaya back, I read about the kasambahay law and there was a provision there that kasambahays should only work 40 hours a week. So meaning, 8 hours a day, and work between 10 pm and 6 am, parang OT na. Medyo nalokah yata ako sa part na yun. For our sisses here, how are you dealing with this new law with your own kasambahay?

[chicafabulosa]

Maids at my MIL house wala naman complain. They dont even follow the working hours kasi naman basta maayos ang pakikisama mo, mabait rin naman ang mga maids. Pero syempre yung mga benefits try mo bigay na lang. Nasa maayos na pag uusap yan sis