To all married wives: Will you consider living in with your in-laws?

[chinkywinky]

In my case, hubby ko talaga nag decide na bumukod kami since we got married. Pero kahit hindi sya magdecide, ako mismo ang papalag OC ako eh, hindi pwede sakin yung style nila sa bahay, saka sa pagluluto ng food. Mababait in-laws ko, pero yun nga their ways are not my ways and hubby knows that.

[BDJ]

^I agree the problem being with in laws is that they want you to be like them or do something that is 100% in favor for them. Wala ka na halos pinagkaiba sa house maid, at least ang house maid binabayaran. Samahan mo pa minsan na they have expectations from you na dapat ganun o ganito ka.

Hi Sis BDJ, hindi naman nya sinabi na huwag mag-lock, pero parang ganun na rin yung ibig sabihin nya tuwing kumakatok eh! talaga naman na tulig at gulat ka sa lakas. So kesa naman na uminit ulo ko na kakatok sya ng malakas kapag natutulog pa kami, hindi ko nalang nilo-lock. Ang ginagawa nalang nya, bukas pinto, pasigaw nya sasabihin sa aming mag-asawa na "Gising na, tanghali na!", on an 8am, saturday.

Everytime meron kaming pagtatalo, ako ang nagtitimpi, ako ang tumatahimik. kasi nga magtatanong si MIL tapos bottom line, ako ang may kasalanan. Decisions are made with my hubby and his mom, wala talaga ako say kasi nga wala ako karapatan sa house.

Until now, sa house pa rin kami ni MIL nakatira, 13 years now. MIL re-married again and migrated to AU. Everything became ok when she moved down under. Though hindi pa rin namin property yung house, at least, i do the decisions now. We have the privacy!

Na experience ko na rin yun na hindi naman importante pero nakakaistorbo yung katok tapos kung ano ano lang naman.

How many years kayo leaving with MIL?

Yung pagtatalo na ako magtitimpi is a BIG NO NO to me. And for decision making naku ha hindi rin pwede sa akin na MIL and hubby, nakakainsulto yan. Kung ganyan ang masasabi ko pakasalan na lang yung Nanay kung ganyan rin lang. Andun na ako it is normal to obey your parents pero we are also matured enough to decide for our own lalo na kapag usapang mag asawa. Naku kung ako naandyan inaaway ko na si hubby Never naman nangyari sa akin na ako yung tinatanong kasi for sure hindi ko sasagutin.

My hubby is forcing me to go back sa house nila pero wala na talaga akong peace of mind na kasama yung Lola niya. Ang bigat bigat na sa loob ko.

[leyjylle]

We are living with my mom right now, since we do not have our own house yet..i do not have any problems with my mom or with my in laws but...after 3 years of being married i totally disagree of living with them kasi..
1. Pupunahin ka sa lahat.. I know my mom is just concern about her apo but sometimes nakakairita din iyong paulit ulit ka na pagsasabihan. Ganito dapat gawin niyo. Ganyan ganyan..hay!
2. Can't decide on our own. Sometimes ikokonsulta mo pa.
3. Hindi naman namin bahay kaya kahit like ko baguhin itsura ng bahay, nakikitira lang kami.
4. Limitado mga actions mo.

[BDJ]

^That is actually the reason why my bro moved out from my parents because of our Dad na parating madakdak so siempre my sil is offended too kasi damay parati sa mga salita ng tatay ko. Yet hindi rin nila maplano maayos yung bahay sa kabila kasi nga sa Tatay yun na kontrolado niya.

I agree with the fact that can't decide on your own. Yun ngang pagplano namin ng birthday sa baby namin patago pa and we are expecting na maraming ipupush in which pinagpaplanuhan na namin on how to control it. Basta in the end we are hoping na we are going to win with our plans.

Ang naiinis ako sa Tatay ko, nakikialam pa siya sa mga binibili ko online for my baby na hindi naman luho kundi necessity. Like yung chair booster, blender for solid food galit na galit pa.

I've decided na rin to live with my parents dahil ayoko na talaga sa GMIL ko and now nag aaway pa kami ni hubby dahil nga he wants me to go home. Though my mom wants me to live kung saan tumira yung bro ko for some reason. Pumayag naman ako kahit na hindi naman ganun kaayos.

[chelgeneroso]

^I agree the problem being with in laws is that they want you to be like them or do something that is 100% in favor for them. Wala ka na halos pinagkaiba sa house maid, at least ang house maid binabayaran. Samahan mo pa minsan na they have expectations from you na dapat ganun o ganito ka.

Na experience ko na rin yun na hindi naman importante pero nakakaistorbo yung katok tapos kung ano ano lang naman.

How many years kayo leaving with MIL?

Yung pagtatalo na ako magtitimpi is a BIG NO NO to me. And for decision making naku ha hindi rin pwede sa akin na MIL and hubby, nakakainsulto yan. Kung ganyan ang masasabi ko pakasalan na lang yung Nanay kung ganyan rin lang. Andun na ako it is normal to obey your parents pero we are also matured enough to decide for our own lalo na kapag usapang mag asawa. Naku kung ako naandyan inaaway ko na si hubby Never naman nangyari sa akin na ako yung tinatanong kasi for sure hindi ko sasagutin.

My hubby is forcing me to go back sa house nila pero wala na talaga akong peace of mind na kasama yung Lola niya. Ang bigat bigat na sa loob ko.

I kept my quiet and endured my MIL for 3 years, with BIL its 5 years ata.
Good thing and blessing yung nag re-marry si MIL kasi nag-migrate sya sa AU. The BIL, we are not in good terms now. Not talking and its a good thing.

Nag-tampo din ako kay hubby noon, sinasabi ko rin sa kanya yung nasa mind ko, and he is with me. Kampi kami, suportado nya ako, unti-unti nag-detach sya sa Mom nya. Plus -  i vented it all sa Nanay ko. Per advice naman ng Nanay ko, its just a phase, intindihin at tiisin kasi it is part of the married life. Now, after 13 years and seldom lang dumalaw ng Pinas si MIL. Everything is ok with our relationship.

[BDJ]

^Naku that is my mom's advised too  parang ako ha? ayoko namang mamatay ako na puro lang pagtitiis ang dinanas ko. Di na baleng sa trabaho magtiis natural lang yun dahil kailangan kumita saka yun nga there is something in return. Pero sa marriage at in laws ayoko talaga hindi naman ako nag asawa para magpatorture karapatan ko rin maging masaya. Hindi naman ako naghahangad ng perfect life pero siguro naman hindi naman meaning nun na kapag hindi na tolerable eh sisikmurahin pa rin. Meron rin naman limitations mga nararamdaman natin.

Kaya nga sana someday I hope I can really advise my daughter kung hangga't maaari lang maging independent. Masyadong magiging masakit sa akin kung pati in law aapihin ang daughter ko. Kung hindi enough finances niya sana marami akong ipon para kahit ako na lang mag paggawa ng bahay basta importante maging independent sila.

 Yung GMIL ko rin naman pinepetition sinasabihan ako ng hubby ko na kaunting tiis na lang, eh siempre ang akin naman maraming move of date rin yung sasabihin na this year yun pala next year pa tapos wala namang definite sched kung kailan. Sinabi ko na rin na kahit isang araw hindi ko na maatim kasama Lola niya.

[lovemeagain30]

Reading the complaints of living with in laws, i would say it's really 'part and parcel' of life you've signed up when you decided to elope or married your husband. tama ba or mali bako dito mga kapatid? 

that's why kung ayaw makitira sa inlaws at ayaw maranasan ang horrible stories, ang sagot diyan ay bumukod. huwag manghinayang sa renta ng bahay kung hindi pa kayang bumili ng sarili. walang katumbas ng pera ang peace of mind. Malaking tulong din eto sa mag asawa tumayo at magkaron ng sariling desisyon. Ika ng father ko, matututo ang mister ko kumayod para sa pamilya dahil alam niyang walang ibang aasahan. yan din ang ituturo namin sa mga anak namin, kung hindi pa nilang kayang bumukod? Simple, wag mag-asawa (harsh but true).

[j.adore]

yan din ang ituturo namin sa mga anak namin, kung hindi pa nilang kayang bumukod? Simple, wag mag-asawa (harsh but true).

My mom told me the same thing and if we would have married without having our own home, malamang they wouldn't have agreed to it.

Sadly, a lot of people are irresponsible. Sorry but it's the truth where a lot of women get pregnant so no time to plan for their future anymore. Madami din blinded by love and the wedding that they forget to prepare for life after their big day.

There is no such thing as "wala kaming choice". There always is but most people would go for the easiest and most convenient route then complain after. -- Even I forget and do this but never applicable to living with in laws.

[BDJ]

Good thing that there are some of you that your mom's advise is bumukod in which I believe not all parents tell their children regarding this matter. We still have different situations here, upon reading here there are some couples na nakapag asawa na but then kahit na they are financially stable na kaya namang magbukod still the other one's choice is not due to parent's request, they still opted to take care the parents due to health condition, and other more concern. So it is not about unplanned for the future baka meron nga rito ready naman na lahat including for the future then again due to some situation with parents or in laws then again dito papasok yung decision if they are willing to obey or what.

Just like in my case the Lola promised my hubby na kapag nakapag asawa na ang apo niya she will go back to Dipolog, then I got pregnant, she has many attempts that the Lola wants to go back to the province pero pinipigilan lang nitong hubby ko. Kasi my hubby wants to earn money para may pambaon yung Lola niya. So no choice but living with her. I did not insist na maging independent na lang kami because I respect the decision of my hubby na gusto niya kasama ang Lola niya dahil marami siyang complains about his uncle na pinabayaan lang itong Lola so talagang yung hubby ko ang willing to understand and take care of this Lola. My hubby informed me already that his granny will help us in other things at marami akong matututunan run. I believe naman sa hubby ko kahit na may duda na ako because I am already seeing her attitude. Sinasabi kasi pranka lang, deretsahan and so on in which I thought it was just being objective and constructive but unfortunately that was not the thing happened. I already expect that my lifestyle and my hubby's lifestyle were different so since andun ako with hubby then I expect na mahihirapan kami in terms of finances, so again ineexpect at tinatanggap ko pa yun. Pero that is not the case, nung kasama ko na ang Lola ko doon ko na nahuli lahat. I never expect that she is totally abusive which makes me understand kung bakit ganun na lang pagwawala ng mga anak niya. Wala kaming finances na inaasahan from her in fact I am the one na gumasta sa bahay nila na kalahati ng sweldo ko kada buwan habang inaaway away lang rin ako nitong Lola. So now na nayamot na ako I am in my parents place. For different story naman my mom wants me to stay here lalo na dun sa house kung saan kami lumaki. In a way parang kaming nakabukod pero literal lang. Kaso sa tatay ko pa rin yun so for sure andun pa rin yung control niya sa amin. Though our plan is yung hubby ko ipag aabroad ko when our baby will grow pa and hopefully we can migrate.

My point here is what if the parents is the one na ayaw pakawalan ang anak kahit may asawa na pero dahil yung anak ang nagsusustento? And what if decision ni hubby na huwag iwan ang magulang niya? Nangyayari yun at minsan mag asawa na mismo ang gumagawa nun na sustentuhan pati in law.

It is true the best advise here is still bumukod. I don't believe naman na kaya ang iba ayaw bumukod it is because of lacking finances or not yet ready for independence. Again we all have different situation and reason that can be applicable to all mahirap, mayaman, stable or not that stable. And remember as well the mentality of utang na loob system with magulang to the extent na ang iba inoobligahan na tumulong tapos nangyayari pa rin na kahit sariling bahay ng anak pinatitira pa rin ang magulang. Merong mag asawa na nag aaway regarding sa pagbukod na kung yung isa no matter what ready or willing to do tapos yung isa ayaw.

[la_pinay]

^ same situation with you sis. my hubby naman cannot leave his mom because wala nang kasama mom nya. they were really a package deal. i really dream of us being independent, naka bukod, have our own rules and so on,  but i dont think that's happening anytime soon.

[lovemeagain30]

The question about pano kung ayaw pakawalan ng magulang ang anak? My counter question would be, gusto ba "talaga" ng anak kumawala at totally maging independent para sa sariling family niya? Many people would say Yes but in reality check, they're not yet really ready. Most of people are resilient to change, to new people, and to a new situation. in fact they are scared to accept something unfamiliar to them. Our Home, Our Parents, Our Siblings, even Our Pets! -- sila ang mga nakalakhan natin and to leave them because we are going to build your Own family-- is something Scary! no matter how much we love our partner nothing can compare to our own comfort zone. Kaya nga gusto natin umuwi sa bahay kapag may away mag asawa di ba? Kasi andun yung parents at siblings. Andun yung comfort.

Same feelings as well for parents who still want to keep their children (kahit may pamilya na), they're scared na mawawala na sa poder nila ang kanilang mga anak. It's the change eh. It's the authority they have with them. Not all parents are willing to let go, Same as -- not all children wants to be let go. Sad truth is there are women who are married to these people. they only knew kung anong pinakasalan nilang tao once na kasama na nila sa iisang bubong. However, some of them from the start palang alam na. usually kasi kasama yan sa mga napagkukwentuhan niyo as newly bf/gf.mga pangarap at plano niyo sa buhay, dun palang sa getting to know each other stage malalaman mo na ang level ng attachment niya sa pamilya niya eh. normally we are blinded by love and we always tend to hope for the best/change to happen once andiyan na -- This is our Filipino Culture.

At least for the first 5 years of your newly married life, couples ideally should stand on their own. For cases wherein the extended family is there and you happen to be married to a guy who can't leave them, sa ayaw mo at sa gusto -- mamahalin mo ang mga taong yun!  It's unfair for the guy to make him choose kasi sabi ko nga sa previous post 'part and parcel' eto ng buhay na pinasok mo kahit hindi ka agree dito.

Sis BDJ your lola in law will always be part of your life for as long as she is alive NOT because she is your husbands' grandmother but because -- she is important to him. He loves her. He cares for her. She is someone familiar to him. Whatever is important to our husband, as a wife, though we might not like his decisions all the time but yes it is our duty to support them. We take the good with the bad. Ika nga ng Papa ko, mahalin at pakisamahan ko ang mga inlaws ko no matter what happened. no matter how bad they are-- because one day I will be in their position and good if I will become better person than them.

Now kung hindi kaya sikmurain ang partida ng ating mga asawa, the marriage is bound to end before you know it. Suffering is always a choice and we could avoid it if make the right choice from the start.

As I said before, kung hindi pa kaya ng couple bumukod-- wag muna mag asawa. Ngayon kung andiyan na at hindi na pede kumawala pa sa extended family -- embrace it my dear. That's marriage.

[imprincessfiona]

^Good point sis lovemeagain30. Very well said. 

[sarsingkit]

^Very well said sis Lovemeagain30.

 

[super bratinella]

NO - not ok for me

[izabelle]

This is what I learned from my own mom and from the seminars hubby and i attended before kami kinasal...

Prior to marriage you need to have agreement already about sa kung saan kayo titira,even sa pera dapat may agreement na kayo who will manage the finances or kanya kanya ba kayo ng hawak sa sarili nyong pera. That way, alam mo sa sarili mo kung itong tao ba ang gusto ko talaga makasama habang buhay.

Ngayon kung yan napag usapan , dapat kahit ano maging resulta ng agreement nyo e tanggap mo. Kahit gaano kahirap.

As for me, NEVER ko naisip tumira sa in laws. Simple lang rule ko bago ako magpakasal, Kaya tayo papakasal ay dahil we can AFFORD bumukod at bumuo ng sarili natin family. kaya kami even before our wedding may sarili na kaming bahay, depleted ang savings namin that time sa dami ng ginastos namin for the wedding and house pero it was all worth it.

now we are 5 years married and masasabi ko na hindi ko pinag sisihan na nakabukod kami agad. Mahirap, magastos and nagsimula kami sa rock bottom in terms of money pero walang tatalo sa ikaw ang reyna ng sarili mong bahay. Walang nakikielam at wala kang papakisamahan kundi asawa mo lang.

[bagaholic_chewy]

^ i agree. Dapat talaga napaguusapan yan before getting married. And if it is a non-negotiable for you na bumukod, then let your partner know. Otherwise, compromise. My in-laws and my own family are not intrusive, pero we still want na me sarili kaming diskarte sa buhay mag-asawa, especially pag bagong kasal kasi dun kayo nagbi-build ng foundation for your own family.

In our case, napag-agreehan na namin na bukod talaga kami and ayoko din tumira malapit sa ILs ko. So before getting married, we got a condo. When we got back to Manila a week after our wedding e sa condo na kami tumira. Kahit kulang-kulang sa gamit, ok lang.

We set exceptions though. We agreed na when time comes na wala ng kasama mga Moms namin sa bahay, willing kami patirahin sila sa bahay namin. Sila ang makikitira sa amin, not the other way around. And it will still be "our house, our rules".

[rheap]

Definitely not! I want to be the queen of my own home. I don't like the feeling na di ako makakilos sa sarili kong pamamahay dahil may mga matang nakabantay sa lahat ng kilos mo. I also don't like when they meddle on how you raise your kids. Fortunately, we are not in that situation. But in fairness to my in laws they are very supportive. They helped us raise money for the downpayment of our home.

[BDJ]

^Same here ayoko yung may nakikialam sa pagpapalaki sa anak ko. Nung preggy pa nga lang ako diniktahan na ako na dapat tirisin ko yung bata kapag hindi sumunod.  As in duhhhhh!!! may sarili akong pamamaraan ng disiplina na hindi dapat maging tulad ng kanya. Saka I hate the idea yung titirisin mo lalo na sa tenga na every now and then gagawin ng isang tao tapos nagigng routine na hanggang sa nagiging normal na lang sa bata.

Right now we will move sa house ng parents ko but since it is compound so nakabukod kami pero parang ganun pa rin you are still with your parents or not 100% independent. My mom wants us to live here for some reason dahil sa issues niya with my Dad, which is also I am affected too kaya gusto ko talaga magbantay sa bahay. Mas pipiliin ko na lang sa magulang ko kesa sa taong hindi naman siya nagpalaki sa akin tapos ididiin ka at dinidiktahan ka. I have other issues too sa father ko kaya hindi rin meaning nun na makakakilos rin ako basta basta, alam ko magiging mahirap pa rin. Kaya ang another plan ko talaga kung maipag abroad na rin si hubby at makaipon para someday we can have our own house na rin.

[annamarie88]

Kami naman after we got married last year, we stayed sa condo. Pero now na I'm due to give birth anytime soon, lumipag na kami sa big house nila before na technically parang walang nakatira kasi lagi din wala dad and kapatid nya (bcoz of work sched) mom ay nasa US naman.. We have to transfer kasi hindi na daw kami kasya sa condo sabi ni husband (ok fine, eh ang luwag kaya) hehe Mas gusto nya lang doon para may helpers at yaya kami.. May lupa na din kami, ipon lang (target is 8-10M so matagal pa 😁) saka kami lipat pag nakapagpagawa na in two years 😁 Ayoko naman magrenta kami kasi nagiipon nga for the house

[blackgreen]

No. Pinag-usapan talaga namin ni hubby na bubukod talaga kami. Gusto namin kami lang.