To all married wives: Will you consider living in with your in-laws?

[Awesomecakes]

I have read some of the posts related to this but I want to know what are your thoughts on this? Will you consider living in with your in-laws? How do you deal with it?

Boyfriend and I have been together for more than six years na, ever since our relationship started, kilala na ako ng family niya. I can also say that I'm more close with his family than him being close with my side. Since day one, wala naman ako naging problema sa family ni boyfie kasi they're okay with me. As in every occassion present ako and always ako hinahanap if ever di ako maka-attend. Thankful ako for having them as my second family na. They already treated me as part of their family na rin.

Then this question suddenly popped into my mind. Six years na kami, and yes we do have plans na on getting married na. I just wonder lang, what will happen after the wedding? Boyfriend's a family man. I can see na he really values his family, sobrang love niya ang mom niya and his five sisters (yes, 5 sisters!). As his partner, syempre natutuwa ako because it only means that he'll be a good man kapag nagkaroon na siya ng own family. But what if he decides to live with them?

I have nothing against with his family but I think it's normal for a girl like me na mag look forward to have our own "home" for our family diba? I'm just scared na someday maging problem ito kasi parang may signs na doon talaga kami titira in the future since he's the only "son" sa kanya rin mapupunta ang bahay na yun. Practicality wise, oo it's better na doon tumira and spend our savings to something more important pero what about me? I dont wanna sound selfish or what, please enligten me.

[drag0nfly]

You need to talk about where you're going to live after the wedding.  Don't leave it up in the air or even just let him decide.  Even if you have the best in-laws, trust me, it's better to have your own place, kahit maliit lang yan or mag-rent muna kayo.  You're not being selfish in wanting to live separately from his family.   Dapat naman talga magsimula kayo na kayo lang.  Kahit na mahal ka na din ng in-laws mo like their own, meron at meron pa din masasabi yan when you live with them.  Sit down your boyfriend and seriously talk about it.  I'm sure both of you will arrive at a compromise. 

[joanne sonsi]

Honestly..NO! I have nothing against in laws pero iba pag bukod beside mas matututo kayo. Mas maganda sa isang bahay isa lang ang reyna at yun ay IKAW! 

[aquacharly]

No.
Even if you get along fabulously with his mom -- may mga SIL ka pa.
Puedeng ok kayo lahat pero your yaya vs his yaya or MIL's Mayordoma don't get along.  - no kidding, that's reality.

It's always best to start married life alone together.
Adjusting takes a lot of effort -- who needs the added stress na yung asawa mo may kakampi que tama or mali sya?
You can be yourself, & relax, in your own home --  if living in with in laws -- hay, IMO, mahirap makisama.(Everyone will have an opinion about everything you do -- masasakal ka). 

As for the circumstances peculiar to your bf & his family of women -- let's be realistic, hindi nya puedeng basta talikuran mga ito. They are close, you say -- which says a lot (generally, sons aren't that involved in his mom's & sisters' activities).
So, the realistic better alternatives, IMO, are:
   1.  Get a place near his mom's house --  preferably, walking distance lang.
   2.   IF the yard of his house is spacious --  mag build kayo don ng casita or townhouse. (Nothing big -- that   will take longer to construct & stress you out more.    You can always use the main house's entertainment areas if you need to entertain.)

[iampennylane]

^exact thoughts. Last year, hubby and I decided to live with her mom and younger brother kasi sila lang dalawa sa bahay eh, sabi ko I get along with MIL and BIL naman. We only lasted less than a year, we moved out. Kasi hindi ako ang Queen I realized that when nagtry akong galawin yung furniture sa sala and di siya pumayag. That's it

[gharz412]

in my opinion it's more better that you can have a place that you can call your own. Atleast, wala kang pakikisamahan at magmmature kayo both. But it still depends, like for example hindi pa kaya mag rent edi tiis2 muna peru dapat as soon as pwede na magbukod nalang para walang problema. 

[Myealexis21]

IMHO ayoko ng set up na kasama ang inlaws (or kahit my parents) sa iisang house kahit na ok naman kami ng inlaws ko.  I told hubby this, kahit yung kapatid niya ayoko makikitira sa amin kase ayoko magkafriction kami pagtagal.  The more kase na makasama mo ang tao sa isang house dun talaga lalabas ang ugali.  Alam ko marami rin akong ugali na baka maging dahilan ng di pagkakaunawaan kaya iwas na lang.

Sa kapatid ko ok lang sa akin kasama sa house kase kaya ko pagbawalan or pagsabihan, and they don't and won't mind kase kilala na nila ako.  At kahit magkaasaran at magkagalit, in the end magkakaayos pa rin at parang walang nangyari (proven and tested na). Pero as much as possible gusto ko rin syempre na they have a place of their own din.

[daveigh]

Rent an apartment. Magkakilanlan muna kayo ng asawa mo. I promise you, you wont regret it.

Kahit 6 yrs na kayong magkakilala, kelangan nyo pa rin mag-adjust sa isa't-isa

[chianti]

I agree with sis daveigh. Do not scrimp on it, rent if you cannot afford to buy your own place. Save yourself and your hubby from potential misery. 

[gracita13]

a big NO! isipin ko pa lang na araw-araw may dapat akong pakisamahan nai-stress na ko.lalo na pag may anak na kame pakikialaman na nila pagpapalaki at pagdidisiplina at ayoko yun.iwas stress sis have your own place 

[Pookiekai]

Close din kami ng MIL ko nung bf-gf pa lang kami ni hubby. Akala ko ok lang na makasama sya under one roof, but everything changed nung tumira sya sa amin. Take note ha, ako ang reyna ng tahanan kasi sya ang nakitira sa amin, pero ibang iba ang naging relasyon namin. Mapanlait, mareklamo  and naging super competitive sa affection ng anak nya with me. Pati mga regalo ng anak nya sa akin sinisipat. Pati bill namin sa kuryente pinapansin as if sya naman ang nagbabayad. Nung nag abroad anghubby ko, lahat ng apo pinatira sa house namin without even consulting me. Then tanong ng tanong bakit daw di sya isinama ni hubby sa allottee. Haaaayyyy... Andami pa.

Buti na lang when my husband came home, inentrega nya mom nya sa kuya nya. Alam nya kasi ugali ng mom nya, at alam nya na malapit na akong mawalan ng gana sa kanya dahil sa nanay nya. Ang nakakatuwa pa dito, she tried to badmouth me sa husband ko saying na lagi ko daw sya kinagagalitan eh ako na nga daw tinutulungan nya sa gawaing bahay. (Mahilig sya magpaawa at magpabida) buti na lang sinagot sya ng husband ko na "pag nagluluto ka ba o nagwawalis kasa bahay pinagsasabihan ka ba? So sagot nya, hindi... So kelan ka lang napapagsabihan? Pag umaakyat ka ng hagdan na dala dala ang isang hamper na punong puno ng nilabhan, kasi baka ka mahulog.eh kahit naman ako, maiinis sayo. " ayun, di sya nakaimik. Hayyyyy.. Buti na lang wala na sya sa poder ko, tahimik na ang buhay ko, except once a month kung kelan naaaalala nya lang ako puntahan kasi hihingi ng sustento galing sa asawa ko. Other days, hindi nya ko maalala kahit nasa isang bayan lang kami nakatira. ngayon nga na pregnant ako, di man lang ako maalala kamustahin. May one time gusto sumama sa check up ko kuno, yun pala, hihingi lang ng dagdag na sustento kasi me iilhin daw sya hehe. Hayyyyy naku!

Anyway, sa TS natin, tama ibang sisses natin dito. Bumukod kayo kahit pa added expenses. Pero aanhin mo ang matitipid mong pera kung araw araw nangungunsumi ka?

[Celerina]

No no no ..
Living in one roof with inlaws can cause conflicts no matter how close you are...
Having your own place is just awesome and wl keep you and your husband closer 

[khriseeee]

Nope. While we were dating I made it clear to my back then BF that I wanted us to live on our own. I got along with his family naman but they are very traditional and I am not and I don't want it to come to a point where we might fight about it.

For our first year of marriage we rented a one bedroom condo. It was small and we didn't have a maid but it suited us and our lifestyle just fine. After a  year we bought our condo and moved in.

We did stay with my in-laws for a month after I gave birth, it was fine naman. Though it could have been coz I knew it was temporary.

[kurengkeng]

NO.
Not even with my parents.
Mag bf pa lang kami pinag usapan na namin to na we'll live far away from them and from my parents

We tried the first year, nanganak ako e, walang magbabantay sa first baby ko. first apo on my side.
dun kami nakitira kila mommy; di kami nakatagal hehe. after a year bumukod na kami. parents ko na
yun ha. bait pa ni hubby ko. but even the smallest things may nasasabi sila e. sa oras ng paggising, sa pag-iwan
ng isang baso sa lababo. siempre kami ni husband, tikom ang bibig, di kami makapag away, makapag express ng
opinion, ng emotions, hanggang sa sumabog na. we parted ways na hindi maganda. but naayos na rin of course. that was
13 yeARS ago.

it's been 12years na nabubuhay kami mag asawa on our own. we pay our own bills, we make our own rules, we are our own bosses..
we barely have sabvings because we pay for everything. but we're happy.

[Awesomecakes]

Thank you mga sis for your replies! I somehow feel empowered to have my own decisions. But I must admit, I'm kind of scared to talk about this topic. Hay, sana in the future talaga hindi kami magkaroon ng problema.

Well currently naman, ok ako sa family niya though minsan feeling ko his mom is jealous of me. Wala naman ako naririnig sa kanila but I just feel it. I know most of you would get what I mean. Syempre unico hijo nila ang maginging asawa ko. So expected na they're "expecting" more from him, diba? Yun lang ang isa sa mga fears ko na baka one day we'll have conflicts kasi baka mas priority niya parin ang family niya kesa sa akin. I hope I'm just overthinking and lahat ng ito hindi mangyari. But still, it's the reality kaya I have to come prepared. Yes?

Balitaan ko kayo mga sis kapag napagusapan na namin ito ni boyfie. Would it be okay kung tanungin ko siya ng random lang? Or yun tipong napaguusapan na namin yun wedding?

Again, thanks mga sis.

[princessrio]

no.

magkasundo rin kami ng MIL ko and all my SILs (all 4 of them. solo boy si hubby). i wouldn't take the risk na dumating ang point na magkakaroon kami ng misunderstanding at maipit sa situation ang asawa ko. kung sa sarili kong bahay nung single ako eh nagkakaroon kami ng misunderstanding (sometimes) ng parents ko, what more si MIL. besides, sa isang tirahan/bahay, isa lang ang reyna.

if you two are getting married, dapat mapag-usapan nyo yan before pa kayo ikasal. you should voice out on what you want. hindi nyo makikilala ang isa't isa kung nakikisukob kayo, lalo pa kung nakikisukob sa poder nila.

at kung indi pa nya kayang iwan nanay nya? wag muna kayo pakakasal.

[Awesomecakes]

^ Exactly what I think. Though minsan natatakot din talaga ako what will happen after the wedding. Kaya ko kaya? What if hindi ko maibigay yun pagaaikaso na nabibigay ng family niya sa kanya? Things like that. Siguro I have to stay positive na lang because  after all we're going to deal with it in the future.

Hindi ko alam if he's ready to leave his mom na, like one time naguusap kami and napagusapan kung sino yun importanteng babae sa buhay niya. Not exactly the same question pero something like that. He answered, his mom. Then second ako. Wala lang para nadisappoint ako kasi understood naman na mom niya talaga diba pero why he didn't answer just me? Weird lang. Or baka masyado ko lang inisip yun. Nothing serious naman, hinayaan ko na lang. Like, fine. Ok he's your mom.

[xoxohersheys]

nope!

[aquacharly]

Just t share my insights with regards to MILs:

A man should not be made to choose between his mom & wife.  That's unfair.

A good wife will not push her husband to such a position he must choose.
Do enough forward thinking to avoid that --  diffuse potentially dangerous "choose your mom or me!" situations.  Even more important: do NOT create such situations.
Your insecurity, your neediness to be the #1 in  his life --  will not  be solved in the long-run/permanently by triggering such a stand-off.
If the MIL is "impossible" avoid na lang as much as possible, basta do not start a "war" --  that will put you, your hubby & children under a lot of stress.

My MIL and I are very strong-willed & strong about our views & beliefs. We do not agree on a lot - it's a generation thing.
BUT my Lola told me to convince her beyond any doubts that:  I do my best to take care of my  hubby;  that I support his goals & dreams while I pursue my development/advance; that I am not wasteful of the fruits of his labor (I safeguard these and invest these wisely); and that I am open to learning from her wisdom (though I may not  follow such).

So though we may disagree on a lot of matters, we respect each other.  She is my no. 1 fan & defends me even to my critical mom.  Kung grrrr SIL ko sa akin (inggit!)., my MIL sides with me - says I have a method to my ways.

So para hindi ma OT:
So there, do not live with your MIL but convince her magkakampi kayo when it comes to her son's interests --  that should minimize irritations & unnecessary competition between you two.

What else did my Lola tell me?
Do not bring to your house your hubby's yaya or anybody who has served long in his family.
Bribe hubby's yaya and the family's Mayordoma with little gifts or share snacks with them frequently when I go to that other house  -- be pleasant to them always -- kasi it's the "little people" that can whisper into the amos' ears that you're this or that.  I did and it pays off -- they give me good service too when  I need anything from that household.  Iwanan nila my MIL & SILs to do whatever service I need.  Hehe.

[Girltalker2]

Thank you mga sis for your replies! I somehow feel empowered to have my own decisions. But I must admit, I'm kind of scared to talk about this topic. Hay, sana in the future talaga hindi kami magkaroon ng problema.

If you are scared to raise a topic to your h2b, that just means you are not yet ready.  Before kayo ikasal, you should make sure that you will be able to deliver sensitive messages such as these clearly na hindi nakakasakit. Importante ang communication sa mag-asawa.  Kung hindi sila pinag-uusapan, somehow somewhere, malaki ang chane na magkakaproblema kayo as a couple. Kaya best to know how to approach and talk to him, kesa always thinking, scared to talk about it.

^ Exactly what I think. Though minsan natatakot din talaga ako what will happen after the wedding. Kaya ko kaya? What if hindi ko maibigay yun pagaaikaso na nabibigay ng family niya sa kanya? Things like that. Siguro I have to stay positive na lang because  after all we're going to deal with it in the future.

I guess it is normal to think about these things.  So habang bata ka pa, try to learn as much as you could about your bf.  Alamin mo ang gusto nya, ayaw nya, paano sya alagaan.  Para wala din naman masabi ang family nya and they are assured na kahit na bumukod kayo, he is taken cared of well.

Staying positive helps. But not doing anything about it could be an issue. Sabi ng iba, matutunan mo rin iyan when the time comes.  Pero para sakin, kung may time ako, why not learn about these things na as early as possible, or make sure may 'tanungan' ka what's best to do in certain things around the house, etc. At least in that way, hindi mo iaasa lahat sa h2b mo ang pagdedecision and prove to him that you are confident in having your own home.  Ang issue kasi if you doubt your skills in terms of maintaining your own home, tapos ang hubby mo naman sanay na alaga sya to the max ng mom nya, then he would likewise not feel comfortable na humiwalay kayo ng tirahan from his current house. 

Hindi ko alam if he's ready to leave his mom na, like one time naguusap kami and napagusapan kung sino yun importanteng babae sa buhay niya. Not exactly the same question pero something like that. He answered, his mom. Then second ako. Wala lang para nadisappoint ako kasi understood naman na mom niya talaga diba pero why he didn't answer just me? Weird lang. Or baka masyado ko lang inisip yun. Nothing serious naman, hinayaan ko na lang. Like, fine. Ok he's your mom.

In a way, you have to think whether this is something you can live with, in case he cannot leave his mom and sisters.  Know your position.  Kasi kung early on, akala nya ok lang sayo, then that will be his plan all throughout, tapos kung malapit na wedding nyo tsaka mo sasabihin na non-negotiable for you to stay in their house, baka magka issue pa.