Still Childless

[momlory]

how to you cope with the pressure of society? Dito ako napapraning at nadedepress to think both of are normal no problems at all. Hanggang nag induced ako ng gamot for 2 months pero wala pa rin nangyari.

[yannuh]

^dedma ang sis. Kahit syempre naapektuhan tayo, dedma lang talaga ang key dyan. meron kaming college classmate na laging nagcocomment sa fb page ko kesyo ang tagal daw namin magkababy etc. barkada sya ni hubby then. Kahit sobrang annoyed ako, dedma at di ko pinapatulan comments nya.

[cosmochick]

This s my problem, I don't want to have kids but my husband wants one. What to do??

And nobody understands why I don't want to have kids. My friends all want one. His friends have kids.
Both of our family want us to have kids. I'm the only odd out. Maybe because I already have one from my previous marriage and I realized that I am not meant to become a mother.  I'm not a good mother, even. I know that. That's why I know I don't want to have another one.

This is causing a major rift between us.  But I just can't compromise.

update lang.. I'm so happy kasi ok na sa hubby ko na we don't have a child. We both like to travel kasi so na realized siguro nya na we won't be as carefree as we are now if may child kami.

[momlory]

Here's the thing. Tinabihan ako ng tito at ng 2 kong tita. Sort of interview bakit wala pa kami anak. Kung kamusta kami. Yung tipong namomoblema sila samin and sort of things. Kesyo maunahan pa kami nito at ganyan. Kesyo wala kasi kami magawa dahil wala anak.. And going to conclusion na either samin may problema or inaalam yung checkup series of etc.

I don't know how to answer them. Kung pwede ko lang gawin na smile and say nothing which is gustong gusto ko gawin. Kaso since i respect them wala akong choice but to answer.

Series of parties binyag, birthday etc pero hindi talaga maiwasan na open up nila yung topic and paulit ulit akong tinatanong. Pano ko ba sasabihin na out of business nila yun hehe

[shinies]

Sabihin mo "in god's time" tapos change topic

[kvandenhaak]

^^Just tell them straight that you don't like being asked about it. It only makes it more stressful for you kamo everytime they ask you. Just tell them straight. Otherwise, they won't know that you're not okay na inuusisa kayo. Just tell them.

[izabelle]

how to you cope with the pressure of society? Dito ako napapraning at nadedepress to think both of are normal no problems at all. Hanggang nag induced ako ng gamot for 2 months pero wala pa rin nangyari.

Believe me kahit magkababy na kayo, they will never stop asking. They will never stop demanding for another child. Nasa culture ng mga Pilipino dapat may anak. Dapat maraming anak.

We were 4 months married palang dati, kabikabila na tanong sa amin. Nakakainis. You know what I told them? Hindi na kami mag aanak! hahahaha! Just for them to shut up 

Anyways, we have a 5yr old daughter now and mind you, kabikabila tanong kelan susundan.  Hindi matatapos e. Kaya ngayon deadma lang ako. Sinasabi ko nalang "Kapag milyonaryo na kami!"

[cosmochick]

If were in that situation sis, i'll tell them we don't want a baby kahit na di totoo.

kasi ganon din sa amin dati, lagi kami ina ask, when mag baby.. sagot ko dati ,soon! eh they wont stop asking the same question everytime we meet.

so sinagot ko na dretsahan, ayoko magka baby, gusto ko mag travel ng mag travel. mahirap may anak nh, gusto ko mag enjoy lang sa life.

then banatan ka, sino mag aalaga sayo pag matanda na kayo.. mag anak kahit isa lang...

sagot ko, mayaman ako by then kasi wala akong anak na gagastusan so we will be able to hire a caregiver to take care of us. bakit sure ka ba aalagaan ka ng anak mo pag tanda mo?

eh di shut up sila. tawanan na lang sila. Now that I'm very vocal that I don't want to have a baby, they don't ask me na that question.

So ganon na lang gawin mo sis kahit di naman totoo sayo.

[kvandenhaak]

^I would have said, "And why do you treat your kids like they are investments? Nag-anak para me mag-alaga pagtanda? That's not right!"

[Shadow Angel]

Tama hindi matatapos ang mga nakapaligid sayo sa pakikialam. Ako nga hindi pa lumalabas ang baby tinatanong na ako kung kelan ko susundan. Oh di ba ang galing marunong pa sa kung anong plano namin in the future. Kung sakali malaman naman nila kelan ang sunod na plan namin may mapapala ba sila. Buti sana kung ako mismo un nag kwekwento ng mga plans namin sa buhay. Marami talaga tao topic lang ng ibang tao ang gusto nila.

[izabelle]

^ as if nagpakasal ang tao para mag anak. E diba kaya ka nagpapakasal ay dahil mahal mo.

Iba takbo ng isip ng karamihan ng Pinoys.

[momlory]

^as per catholic teaching kasi "humayo kayo at magparami" Yan naging discussion namin  ng husband ko kagabi.

Though personally samin masaya kami kahit walang anak. Saka marami kami nagagawa for development sa sarili namin. saka marami kami naexplore na mga bagay.

[thebratinella]

I have a high school friend who got married 10 years ago who doesn't have a kid. Choice nila ng husband niya. Yung college friend ko rin same scenario. They're all based abroad. Masaya sila sa mga buhay nila and careers. The setup works for them. Madami lang kasing mga taong pakialamera. Sila na lang mag-anak if they want di ba? 

My husband and I have one child and we plan to keep it that way. Kinukulit kami ng father-in-law ko to have one more. Lagi yan tuwing nasa house nila kami. Buti sana if they'll help with the finances at aalagaan nila pero kami naman ng husband ko bahala. Madali kasi sabihin for spectators eh.  Even other people pag nalaman na isa lang anak namin, ang tanong kelan niyo susundan? Malungkot mag-isa. Kawawa naman anak niyo. 

[Shadow Angel]

^sa ganyan salita ako naiinis na kawawa ang bata or malungkot kapag only child na judge na agad ang buhay ng bata. Ang nakakatwa pa madalas un nag cocomment maraming anak tapos hindi naman maibigay ang tamang needs ng mga anak. Mahihirapan siguro ang only child kung ang magulang iasa nya ang pangkabuhayan nila sa only child kapag ganitong only need din paghandaan ang retirement. Ako perosonally gusto ko sana isa lang pero si hubby gusto nya 2 sabi ko malalaman namin sa tamang panahon.

[thebratinella]

^True. Nowadays with the high cost of living, kung gusto mo na maibigay sa anak mo lahat ng the best sa buhay, need mo kumayod sobra. Ang hirap pa maghanap ng trustworthy na yaya/helper. Every 2 years, tumataas ang tuition, prices of books and other services. Hindi ganun kadali compared to 20-30 years ago. Kaya kami ng husband ko gumagawa ng way now para makapagpundar for the future. Ayaw namin na isipin pa ng anak namin anong mangyayari sa amin when we reach 50 years old.

Tinatanong din namin daughter namin if gusto niya ng kapatid. She's already 7 pero ayaw niya. Pag pinagkaloob ng Diyos ang isa pang anak, we'll be happy. If not, okay na okay na kami sa isa.

May aunt ako who adopted a son kasi hindi na sila nagkaanak ng husband niya. Nagpakasal sila early 30s siya. Naalala ko pumunta pa sila sa Obando. Hindi naman namin siya tinanong nun when nila plan mag-anak or anong prob. Deadma lang. Sila na yung nagdecide to adopt. Not sure if our cousin knows na adopted siya. We treat him as our own. Hindi adopted or naiiba sa amin.

[chinkywinky]

Mahirap talaga sa kultura natin dahil big issue ang pag-aanak. Sabi nga to each his own. If a couple never intend to have kids, respect that. If a couple wanted to have kids but for medical reasons can't have that, respect that and don't rub it in. Some people kasi, they only boast of their kids pero if they are good providers to their kids, that's a question. Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, you have to consider a lot of things, one thing ang pag-aanak. If you can't provide, pati anak mo magsa-suffer. Yung iba kasi nag-aanak just for the sake ng "may anak ako" kahit hindi capable. We should accept the reality na mahirap bumuhay at mag-alaga ng bata. I admire those responsible parents, though.

I have friends with a number of kids and often they would tease me, "kunin mo nga yung isa. Paaralin mo." I would reply, "pag 'di nyo na kaya, tigilan nyo na pag-aanak ha." 

And it's just a sad thing na pag wala kang anak, people would ask 'sino mag-aalaga sa inyo pagtanda nyo?' As if naman na obligasyon ng anak na alagaan ang magulang. Wala akong anak, pero kung may anak man ako, hindi ko sya oobligahin na alagain ako because I don't want to take away his/her freedom at matali sa amin ng asawa ko. Sabi nga namin ng husband ko, we will make sure na we are well-equipped financially and emotionally para hanggang tumanda kami wala kaming aasahang ibang tao. Saka yun nga, don't expect na aalagan ka ng anak mo pag tanda mo.

Dati gusto ko mag-adopt, ayaw talaga ng asawa ko. Sabi nya kung wala, wala. Kaming dalawa na lang 'til we get old. Still a good thing because we could live a good life, we could travel anywhere, we could do whatever we want, wala kaming batang ginagastusan. I look at it that way. Yung pagtanda namin na kaming dalawa lang? Why we should worry about it? We're not even sure kung tatanda ba kami because you can't really tell what will happen, pwedeng mamatay kami ng maaga, atakihin sa puso, etc     

Ignore those people na nakaka-stress kausap pag usapang anak na esp. relatives. It's your  and your husband's life so it's up to you to make your own choices. Hindi naman sila ang mag-aalaga ng anak nyo, hindi sila ang magpapaaral, hindi sila ang bubuhay ng bata. We have only one life to live, wag na ma-stress and just be happy with or w/o kids

[Annie M.]

"And it's just a sad thing na pag wala kang anak, people would ask 'sino mag-aalaga sa inyo pagtanda nyo?' As if naman na obligasyon ng anak na alagaan ang magulang. Wala akong anak, pero kung may anak man ako, hindi ko sya oobligahin na alagain ako because I don't want to take away his/her freedom at matali sa amin ng asawa ko. "

TRUE THAT. This is the saddest reason to have a child.

[baby_chichay]

I'm nearing the mid-30s mark and my fiance his 40s. And the "when are you two gonna have kids" question has become more persistent and crazier. Even from people who we meet for the first time!

"Bakit? Maganda at gwapo for sure mga anak nyo sayang naman ang lahi nyo!" "Saan mapupunta lahat ng kinikita nyo?" "Ang dahilan ng pag-aasawa ay para magkaroon ng anak." "Ayaw nyo ba maging maligaya ang mga magulang nyo with the apos you will give them?" "Hindi ba kayo naiinggit kay X and Y? They are even younger than you!" The list goes on.

I mean it has become more difficult to convince people that we don't want kids. And walang mabigat na rason. We simply don't want to. We are not physically or mentally sick or something. Someone even insinuated na magpacheckup na dapat kami sa doktor "just to be sure". A well meaning aunt even scared me na if I don't "give" my fiance a child, he will wander off and impregnate other women. I was like, eh di bahala sya. Not my loss. Lol. But she did not stop there and had the gall to tell me "baka naman ikaw ang ayaw magpaanak sa kanya, ha, baka gusto mo sa iba pa. Ano sa mas guapo?" Promise. Pinigilan ko na lang sarili ko magsalita. I just excused myself.

However, napansin ko na women tend to be more condescending sa mga kapwa nila babae na ayaw magkaanak. As compared to men's reactions ha. Men don't ask women out of the blue. In my experience, yung mga uncles and ninongs nakikisawsaw lang pag their wives are the first ones to ask. I asked my fiance if his co-workers wonder why we don't have kids. He works in a male-dominated industry kasi. Sabi nya some asked him once, primarily because of his age. And usually follow-up lang yung kids question sa "ilang taon ka na" question. but they don't dwell. Sinasabi lang nya na "my wife and i just want it to be the two of us." Then wala nang follow up. Nakakalungkot isipin na kapwa pa natin babae ang nagq-question about our choices as if we are mistaken. My choice to be child-free was sealed way before my pre-teen years pa. But I didn't expect that it will be really difficult to defend my choice as valid especially sa loved ones. I even resorted to telling a friend that I'm thinking about wars and worldwide hunger and I don't want my kids to witness those things. Valid naman yung reason ko I know. but I just got a "naisip mo pa yun."

I admit, my fiance used to want kids but eventually narealize nya din on his own na kids won't fit our lifestyle, attitudes, plans and all. The most wonderful thing he told me was he respects me and my choices because ako ang magdadala ng bata at katawan at buhay ko ang at stake during pregnancy. He knows at my age it will be too difficult for me to be pregnant and give birth. He said ayaw nya na i-risk ang life ko over having kids. I would like to believe I'm lucky enough to have him think that way.

Downside lang siguro ng walang anak, is people tend to think that you have a lot of spare cash or time. This society affords more consideration sa mga may anak compared sa wala. Even sa work. Meron mga comments like "nothing keeps you busy at home naman like kids" or "wala ka naman pinagkakagastusan or pinapagatas". Parang people expect more from you na wala ka karapatan magpahinga or have time for yourself or refuse to make pautang or invest in something big. Madami pa akong sentiments but oh well. Lengthy post na masyado. Lol

[Annie M.]

^ang masasabi ko lang, RELATE. pati sa comment ng aunt mo.

[xtine]

Honestly sis, you don't have to explain to them.  I try to avoid people who are judgemental and try to push THEIR standard of "happiness" to your and your hubby.  Note that each of us has own definition of happiness.  Sometimes, when we don't push for it, it just happens.