How do you discipline and set boundaries with your Helper/Yaya?

[yelle]

Hi mommies, I need your advice.

We're a family of four. Itong si yaya turning 6 months na siya sa amin (3rd yaya of my 1.5 yr. old son). 1st - 2nd month pa niya sa amin wala kaming masabi. Marunong lumugar, magaling mag-alaga, may common sense hindi na kailangang iremind sa kung anong dapat niyang gagawin. That's why kampante at maluwag kami sa kanya, kami yung tipo na tahimik, ayaw ng gulo at stress. We treat her as part of our family.

Suwabe yung pag bago ng ugali niya, una natotolerate pa namin hangga't sa napapansin na talaga namin yung kagaspangan ng ugali. One time inutusan namin to stroll my son sa playground, Aba maya-maya dabug-dabugan ang drama, I was working in my room bigla ba naman pabiglang binuksan ang pinto at hindi kumatok naka simangot na kinuha ang stroller sa balcony. Later that night I learned from my daughter na she was supposed to go to her cousin's( who's also a yaya) sa kabilang building. Eh halos araw-araw binibisita niya yun ni halos bihira na nga niya ma-stroll ang son ko. Itong simpleng request namin hirap siyang gawin. Mahabang storya itong nangyari.

A few days ago, paiyak-iyak siya kesyo may problema daw. Pinauwi namin kinaumagahan sa bahay ng tita niya, uwi din daw siya ng gabi. 3 am na uwi na daw siya, tinawagan si hubby at nagpapasundo sa gate ng village, wala kasing tricycle kasi private vehicles lang allowed pumasok kaya sinundo nalang baka ano pa ang mangyari sa kanya.

Lately pansin namin napapadalas na yung pag visit ng pinsan(nakatira sa kabilang bldg.) niya dito sa house at feeling at home na at home. Kanina lang, wala si hubby pinapasok niya pinsan niya dala ang alaga sa sala, nakabukas lang ang door ng room ko. I was working, they saw me hindi man lang bumati. Kung maka-upo sa sofa nakataas pa ang paa. Maya-maya nagulat ako biglang nagsisisisigaw ang pinsan niya over the phone may ka-away yata yung tipong nagmumura hindi ko maintindihan iba kasi ang dialect.

Si hubby ko ginawa din niyang delivery man, 10 yr. old daughter ko pina-iyak niya(to cut the long story short). Iilan pa lang ang mga 'to.

May kasalanan din kami because we didn't know how to set boundaries with the yaya. Bago sa amin ang ganitong set up. Dati baby pa lang daughter ko up to now hands on talaga ako sa kanya, wala siyang yaya. Ngayon kasi we need help/assistance. Working mom na rin kasi ako.

Kayo mga sissies/mommies how do you discipline and set boundaries with the yaya/helper who go too far? Share your experiences and opinions here para mapulutan din namin ng aral.

TIA!

[quinone]

medyo pareho tayo ng problema, naabuso ng HH kapag hindi masyado strict ang amo.

ganyan yung HH namin dati sumpungin yun e, so minsan nakasimangot, hinahayaan ko lang siya as long as hindi siya nagbabalibag ng gamit. sumimangot siya hanggang tuluyan siya pumanget, bahala siya.

dati pa madalas may kaaway yun, kung makasigaw sa cell akala mo kanya ang bahay. sinabihan siya ni hubby tungkol diyan...na ayoko ng sumisigaw at maingay sa bahay, dun siya magsisigaw sa labas ng kalye kung gusto niya.

tapos napadalas rin ang alis, dumating sa point na gusto niya aalis rin siya kapag wala kami (kasi 2 lang kami ni hubby sa bahay + siya). hindi daw pwede na kapag may importanteng lakad siya e hindi namin siya papayagan LOL!

sa pagdadala naman ng bisita sa bahay maliwanag sa amin yan. bawal siya tumanggap ng bisita/bf/relative at wag magpapasok ng tao kahit sino kapag wala kami.

itong most recent HH namin, pinaalis na namin kasi inulit ang pagkakamali na hindi dapat ulitin, kahit gaano pa siya kagaling na HH. sa amin ni hubby strike two lang out ka na, kasi nga napansin namin maabuso sila.

ang problem kasi sis, kapag masyado tayo mapagbigay...umaabuso, nakakalimutan nila yung place nila.

sa ibang instances na pinagsabihan ni hubby yung HH namin, minsan ang tinuturo niya e ako... ayaw ni quinone ng ganito, ng ganyan...habang sila lang dalawa magkaharap. ayoko kasi na ako ang magsabi at masungit ako e, ayokong sumama ang loob dahil panget ang pagkakasabi ko. sino ba sa inyo ang good communicator sa bahay? baka yun dapat ang i-assign na tagapagalit hehe.

sorry hindi kita masyado masagot pero as you see pareho ng nagiging ugali yung mga HH natin habang tumatagal sa atin at nakakampante.

[babyboo.0326]

i think dapat from the start e ipaalam na sa kanila yung limitations and the implications nun pag hindi nila na-meet?

hindi ko rin alam kasi new pa lang din ang yaya ko. i would like to get some more insights although pauuwiin ko na rin ito 

[jayce_mom]

Sis yelle,

Same tayo ng situation, same din tayo ng problem. Kami lang tatlo ni husband, ako tsaka mother ko nag-alaga sa daughter ko, wala din yaya until mag-2 years old si baby. Nakadalawang helper palang kami,

Hirap din ako ngayon kasi working na rin ako, my daughter goes to school na rin. Wala na rin kaming helper ngayon, nakakadala na rin kumuha dahil sa mga naexperience ko sa kanila. Sa ngayon, kaming tatlo na lang ulit alternate na nag-aalaga kay baby tsaka sa paggawa ng household chores. 

[quinone]

ang hirap kasing pagalitan kapag ugali ang diperensya e, hindi na kasi mga bata itong mga HH. halimbawa nakasimangot or nagdadabog...medyo may samaan ng loob diyan kapag sinata yung mga ganun.

yung mga bagay na pwedeng maging part ng rules sa loob ng bahay like oras ng panonood ng tv, what to eat, time for chores, pag bisita ng relatives sa bahay, etc. madaling sabihin. pero sitahin yung panget na ugali...it requires tact para hindi naman sila ma-offend at maging defensive kapag nasabihan.

[marose17]

When the yaya turns abusada like yours, it's time to look for another one.  For me, kahit gaano siya ka-efficient at kagaling, hindi siya indispensable.  Hindi ko kayang I-tolerate ang ganyang attitude, lalo na ang pagdadabog.  And I never allow helpers to invite friends and relatives to our house.  Hindi nila bahay iyon, in the first place.  I do not need to make pakisama sa kanya dahil helper ko siya at ako ang amo.

I lay the ground rules from the start.  If I see behavior that I do not like, I try to nip it in the bud by talking to the person.  Kung hindi sumunod, eh aba, alangan naman ako ang mag-adjust sa ugali niya.  Baka magaya pa ng mga anak ko.  Paalisin ko na lang.  I am too old to adjust to a helper. 

The reason why maids turn out to be abusada is because there are employers who tolerate them. 

[dr.thereal.joy]

Dati pinatitiisan ko sya pero ngayon, I tell her straight but I make sure na malamig ulo ko.
Medyo madami ngayon gawain si HH so I tell her I try to understand her as well. Sitahin ko siya but
I tell her na I just want to straight things out instead of pagtiisan ko and mapuno kami parehas.
Mahirap lang talaga ngayon maghanap din ng kasama sa bahay. Lalo na sa akin, family friend kasi
talaga siya. Kasi anak siya ng nagpalaki sa amin dati sa province.

[Red Rack 21]

 hindi ako nakikipag biruan sa maid and i don't engage in pep talk that much. this is a cliche  but still holds true pagdating sa HH.... "familiarity breeds contempt."  although meron naman talagang newly-hired pa lang wala na sa ayos. kaya at a certain point magiging disciplinarian ka din nila.

[micci]

wow,pwede ba kong makisali sa club ng naabusong amo?hehe..hindi naman abuso talaga pero parang super kampante na sila pag tumagal-tagal..

mga sis,anong rule nyo sa nap ng HH?nap pa bang matatawag kung 1pm-3pm nasa kwarto?

we're about to let go of our current HH,i think kailangan kong mag-set ng boundaries for the next one..

[iammechelle]

Abusado talaga sila kapag maluwag ako. Ang naging kasama namin sa bahay, halos mga 14 na. Ika-14th itong latest. Naitry na namin ni hubby ang sobrang higpit, wala yang effect. Ang sobrang luwag, ganoon din. Pare-pareho sila. Bihira makakuha ng maayos talaga. Itong bago, umpisa pa lang sinabi ko na lahat ang Dos and Donts. Hindi ko alam kung matandain o kenkoy lang. Para parin akong sirang plaka na paulit-ulit. Sungit ko pa ngayon dahil buntis ako. Dinadabugan rin ako. Natotolerate ko pa pero mabilis mawala pasensya ko.

[can_dice]

It should be that umpisa palang when you see the things you don't like.  Let them know kaagad.  Kasi if you let it go and then mapagalitan mo, they will say na 'bakit ngayon ka lang nagsabi?' diba?

Remember that yayas and maids are not indespensible. 

I don't tolerate yung nagdadabog.  If magdabog ka - harapin mo ako.  Sa harapan ko siya magcocomplain.  Para patas, diba?

But since nangyari na yan sa iyo - then what you can do it set limits nalang and tell her what you don't like.  Give her a chance to abide by what you want, if she repeatedly disobeys - then you tell her, you will need to let her go.

Hindi worth it na abusuhin tayo ng mga kasambahay.  Remember that you feed them, treat them humanely, and put a roof over their heads.  That's more than enough.  I've heard of stories dati na yung mga amo charge their maids for the food they consume.  Kawawa diba?

There are maids na ayaw pagsabihan when there are other helpers.  Pero ako kasi, I tell them all at the same time.  Walang ligtas - para fair diba?  And alam ng lahat.  Yung mga iba kasi nahihiya sa mga kasalanan nila.  Its really up to you yung approach mo..

Good luck sisters!!

Kelangan talaga ng will power.. Mahirap talaga but ikabubuti rin niyo yan.

You really need to stand your ground.

[hunny_ally]

Never treat your maids like they are part of the family. ika nga nila "Familiarity breeds contempt." You are their employer and them your employee. As their employer, its my way or the highway. But this doesnt mean you dont treat them without respect/ dont treat them well. You can still do this without treating them like your own family.

[iammechelle]

I agree. Never treat them na kapamilya. Sabi ng MIL ko, ang sikreto raw para magtagal sila ay itrato na parang kapamilya. Hayyy masasabi ko lang, pare-pareho sila. Abusado. Nagagalit ako sa asawa ko kapag sinasabi nya na mag-adjust ako! The heck! I pay them, I feed them and all. It is my house, my money and all! Ako ang employer. Mahirap humanap ngayon ng kasama sa bahay eh pero queber lang ako. Kesa naman magtiis sa mga kagaya nila.

[molybdenumstudios]

Ako naman...

Well, dapat sundin nila kung ano 'yung mga kailangan kong gawin para ma-convince sila, and it's a big NO-NO to allow someone to enter my or family's residence without permission. Also, please do not insist that we should go home blah blah if I still have work to do.

Although I treat them as part of family, they should still do their job fair and square.

[can_dice]

Never treat your maids like they are part of the family. ika nga nila "Familiarity breeds contempt." You are their employer and them your employee. As their employer, its my way or the highway. But this doesnt mean you dont treat them without respect/ dont treat them well. You can still do this without treating them like your own family.

I agree. Never treat them na kapamilya. Sabi ng MIL ko, ang sikreto raw para magtagal sila ay itrato na parang kapamilya. Hayyy masasabi ko lang, pare-pareho sila. Abusado. Nagagalit ako sa asawa ko kapag sinasabi nya na mag-adjust ako! The heck! I pay them, I feed them and all. It is my house, my money and all! Ako ang employer. Mahirap humanap ngayon ng kasama sa bahay eh pero queber lang ako. Kesa naman magtiis sa mga kagaya nila.

Alam mo, tama kayong dalawa.  BUT its so hard for me!  Although may limitations din naman ako.  I am approachable and I value your opinion BUT that doesn't mean na you can do whatever you please.

One thing I've learned with my Yaya (who fought with me kasi mashado daw maliit ang bonus niya) is that she can be replaced.  That kung tutuusin, she needs me more than I need her.  That I can take care of my daughter if the situation calls for it.  And I think she realized that, kaya she apologized to me.  What hurt me the most was that - I treated her like family, pero yun pala - pera pera lang pala.  I went through the lengths of fixing her problemadong SSS details, got her the refund and the IDs she wanted YET ako yung hindi niya na-appreciate.  I had to tell her 'Pera pera lang pala sayo lahat, ngayon mas nakilala na kita'

Kaya if she challenges me na she'll pack up and go.. By all means, GO!  Thanks for everything nalang.  Diba?

I learned the hard way talaga.  I was so down that whole week!  Parang nakipaghiwalay ako sa boyfriend ko!  hahahaha...  I guess, the relationship wasn't healthy.. So now, I keep these helpers at arms length.  Alam ko na yung capacity ko and limitations ko..

yun lang!!

Thanks so much for GT at least na-e-air out ko yung mga grievances ko sa helpers ko...

[aquacharly]

HOW DO YOU DISCIPLINE & SET BOUNDARIES FOR HELPERS  WHO GO TOO FAR...

IMO, the boundaries must be set 1st --  then, the discipline flows from there.
How can you expect proper behavior from  a helper if you are not clear about your preferences?

So, IMO:

1.   BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR ROLES, DO NOT GET CONFUSED.
      Below is part of my pre-employment interview dialogue:

      Ako employer, I pay your salary, bahay ko ito --  kahit galing ka sa Malacanang, AKO at kung ano gusto ko masusunod ALL THE TIME.  Kaya mo? If not, hwag ka pumasok dito. 

      Kelangan  ko  kaTULONG, para gumaan buhay namin.  Hindi ko kelangan ng 1 pang asawa/anak/Kapatid na pakikisamahan pa.  Hindi ko din kelangan ng 1 pang kaibigan ka cuentuhan, at lalo na yung hahanapan ako ng malasakit sa mga problema nya.  Maliwanag ba?   

2.  SET THE BOUNDARIES FROM  THE BEGINNING OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP with your house staff.
NEVER ever assume may pakiramdam yan, good manners, delicadeza. susko.
Face the truth:  helpers more often than not, have a background inferior to yours, & are not as well educated as you -- so YOU set the standard for everything.   Do not let your house standards slide down with  them. hello.

For example, I specify immediately: Tawag sa amin:  "Ma'am" at "Sir" -- - never, "Ate" or "Kuya". (So the boundary is set na)

Other examples, para claro the house decorum:
                    Pag hindi kita kina usap, hwag mo ko kakausapin - madami ko iniisip, ayoko istorbo.
                    Pag tinawag ka - at sa room ka pina punta --  kahit bukas door, kakatok ka at antay papasukin. Pati sa mga bata, ganyan din.

1 thing I make very very very clear --  ayoko pinakikialaman ang mga gamit namin.  Kahit na nagkalat yan --  do not touch, if you have no business doing so.

3.  EXPLAIN CLEARLY RULES pertaining to day off, etc etc.  visitors (strictly zero in my home)... even down to not eating food from your ref/left-overs until after you give it to them.

4.  Basically, hindi aabuso ang helper if you BE CONSISTENT & CLEAR about your preferences.

Like,    I always maintain my distance. 
Coz I know abuso yan pag na feel nila pushover or mamon ka or hindi ka alert sa kalokohan/slippages nila.  Or, takot ka layasan  nila.  Such is human nature.
     I mind how I deal with them. I always say: please do this or that,   paki this or that -- but my tone & face say: DO it NOW.
     I reinforce na amo ako, ako nagpapasweldo sa yo, na hindi puede chummy chummy tayo or pakisamahan kita -- ikaw magsama sa kin & family ko,  all the time.   Like, when I talk to them, even if I am seated -- I don't let them sit down.  So that makes them aware , and mindful too na --  you  don't sit on my furniture (  meron kayo furniture sa room nyo, sa service kitchen.)

Hindi naman ako Cruella de Ville.  But I really treat them like office employees -- may gap, always.
It is made clear to them from  the start:  I am demanding with my standards, coz:   I pay well, I do not overwork my staff, I provide them good board & lodging, and we do not abuse them in any way.

So, the message is forever:  I pay you, do not expect any accommodation from me -- you behave!
Most important:  hindi ako takot to lose you. Everybody is dispensable.  You don't like the way I manage my household --go, there are no more slaves.

So, whether others  agree with me or not -- that is how I choose to manage my house staff.
It works very well for me, that's all that matters.

As for the situation of YELLE:  IF umabot ako sa situation na ganyan --  I will get a replacement for that abusadang yaya & start the next yaya on the right footing.  Easier to replace than to put her back in her proper place -- Malabo na ma achieve yang tanggalan sya ng sungay.
IMO, masyado kang accommodating -- umabot sa point, as my lola says: "linalamon ka na ng pinakakain mo".   

     

     

     

[babyboo.0326]

^i like this

[micci]

Easier to replace than to put her back in her proper place -- Malabo na ma achieve yang tanggalan sya ng sungay.
IMO, masyado kang accommodating -- umabot sa point, as my lola says: "linalamon ka na ng pinakakain mo".   

i agree,that's what happened to me with our last helper..so that's what i did,replace her kesa turuan pa ulit,gosh,for 3months ba hindi ka pa mag-iimprove?find a new one na lang talaga

[iammechelle]

Kaya if she challenges me na she'll pack up and go.. By all means, GO!  Thanks for everything nalang.  Diba?

Ako din, ganyan attitude ko sa kanila. Pinaparamdam ko na hindi sila kawalan sa akin, na anytime pwede ko silang palitan. I can go on without a helper or a yaya. Tatlo lang kami sa bahay (ako, si hubby at my 4.y.o.). Kaya ko gumising ng maaga just to do the staff work. Pero mahirap sa akin dahil working mom ako and at the same time kakahaggard at kakapenget kapag ganoon. Especially now that I am 28th week on the way. ;-)

I learned the hard way talaga.  I was so down that whole week!  Parang nakipaghiwalay ako sa boyfriend ko!  hahahaha...  I guess, the relationship wasn't healthy.. So now, I keep these helpers at arms length.  Alam ko na yung capacity ko and limitations ko..

Ganyan nangyayari if you invest too much feelings. I learned the hard way din sis, once or twice. I treated them as kapamilya pero later on nalaman ko mga kag@guh@ng ginawa ng yaya sa pamilya ko. Ayaw ko na maulit yun. Talagang I maintain my distance. Sinasabi ng husband ko na ang sunget ko, pero I remain with my stand na tayo ang amo, meron tayong mga standards. Ayaw kong pakisamahan pa sila dahil sa dami ng inaalala ko, ayaw ko ng ma-stress pa sa kanila.

Kagaya noong pati pagpapalaki ko sa bata ay pinapakialaman.

[sistah!]

agree completely with sis aquacharly.

honestly ako, I did not know how to deal with maids kasi we lived without maids for so long. but when I had a kid, I needed a yaya. then I needed a maid to make sure that the house in perfect condition. hindi na pwede yung makalat, madumi or nale-late ang laundry. I do not overwork or treat my helpers badly. in fact, I will also say that I have been very generous with them. I pay well, I feed well, I deal with them well.

pero I made that horrid mistake of not briefing my kid's first yaya properly so after a long while, she became more abusive, which the maid picked up on, then she became abusive. next set of helpers, I set rules na. after a while, nagkasungay din so I shopped them out again. this set of helpers I have now, I have a longer list of rules. I am also absolute about them now. I learned as time went on. These people are my employees and it's infuriating to not have my rules be recognized especially because they are in my home. Last maid I had, nagpaalam na magpapadala ng pera sa probinsya. Normally, that's a 30 minute job (max of an hour, malapit kami sa mga remittance center). she just had her day off so she wasn't entitled to a whole day. paguwi ng 9PM, ni ha ni ho walang sinabi. no apologies or anything. I called her and told her that that was part of my briefing, you do not have unscheduled day offs. so I told her to pack up and leave. I am not evil ha, I just have my rules. I already have a husband, a kid and a baby brother who breaks my rules. unfortunately I cant ship them out, but I can ask the maids to leave. My house, my rules. If they have a problem, sa iba sila pumasok.