Conflict with my mother. Please help me!

[kikaygimikera]

Girls, heto na naman ako. I need your advice.. Hindi ko na po alam ang gagawin ko.

Here's a background: I am in conflict with my mother. Nagstart lang po nung ni-confront ko siya about sa mga sinabi niya sa sister-in-law ko about me & my husband. As you can see, we are currently living in my mom's house just because of my son. I have decided to let my son spend his summer in my mom's house kasi mas maraming magagawa sa house ng mom ko and bonding na din nila yun.

2 days ago, I talked to my sister-in-law. All of a sudden, she spills out information na my mom told her daw how my husband disciplines my son. This is my second husband kasi. Ang scenario is: nasa table kami and my son was "nag-iinarte" (he's like that talaga pag nasa Lola niya), and my husband said "... kumain ka na kasi kahit andyan si Lola mo, pagagalitan kita" pero the story turned out "wag ka maginarte diyan kundi sasaktan kita kahit andiyan ang Lola mo."

And my sister in law commented "Okay naman si (Husband's Name) ah? Palagi nga silang bonding eh (she's referring to the Facebook posts na nakikita niya)" And my mom said "Bonding ba yun eh nanonood lang naman ng TV."

When I learned about it, I asked my mom and confronted her that its not healthy to say things like that and also if may nakikita na siyang hindi namin magandang ginagawa, its better to tell us than share it to other people.

Nung ni confront ko siya, lumabas na ako pa ang disrespectful, and I am treating her as if she is just an officemate or a classmate.

Sobrang nahihirapan ako sa mom ko. I have tried my best to reach out to her pero parang shes giving me a hard time.

Now, I told her that we are leaving this Sunday and lilipat na kami. I told her na I think it would be best to minimize conflict.

She said OK.

I thought okay na.

and then she texted me "Tama lang yan para mailayo si (my son's name) sakin."

 

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE HELP.

[break_free]

What to do? Well, get out of your mom's house and ded-ma, stay away from your mom for now.

[heavensent]

i agree with break_free, for now siguro, stay away nalang muna, lilipas din yan.. hayaan mo nalang muna para wag na humaba yung issue..

[stormy]

@TS, alam mo naman na what to do nasabi mo na, bumukod na kayo para less ang stress mo pati na rin ng mommy mo.

[babyboo.0326]

kikaygimikera, i also have a lot of conflicts with my mom. dominating kasi personality niya and she says what she wants, nagagalit pag hindi siya ang nasusunod even with how i deal with my kids. kung pano siya magpalaki sa amin (which turned out na naging tamad mga kapatid ko magsipagtrabaho), ganun din siya sa mga anak ko.

i am planning to move out na rin. so if i were you, sundin mo what you feel is right for you and your family. may sarili ka nang buhay. don't let anyone run it for you.

[lisse]

I was once in that situation, yun tipong there was never a day na hindi kami nagka-clash ng mom ko. I love my mom, don't get me wrong and I know she loves me, but there comes a time na whether our mothers accept it or not eh we are starting to be able and capable of making our own decisions; sometimes nga we even know more about a certain thing than they do. not all the time of course, and that of course causes friction especially if our mothers' personality is hindi din papatalo.
I decided then that I would rather respect and love her from afar than be with her all the time and we always argue; I don't want to end up hating her so I moved out. even the idea is not acceptable to my mom, so I made sure that I landed a job abroad so somehow that stopped her arguments. when I went home after my contract, I got an apartment 2 hours away from her and it worked. now I am thousands of miles away from her again and ever since I made that decision to move out, my relationship with her went for the better. I miss her a lot and she misses me too. It worked for me, and of course I will still continue visiting her on important holidays and vacations.

[babyboo.0326]

^ i agree. siguro nga it's about time na we leave our Filipino tradition na families stay together. with my dad's side kasi, 5 sila na siblings. but only the eldest and my dad were the ones who lived on their own with their families. the other 3, they're still together until now. so i think nga na since differences are there, lalo na in views, nagka-clash talaga once in a while e. same goes with parents din pala. and it made me think more na it's not bad if we plan to be independent. kaso most would see it as being rebelious.

[Meian]

Tama lang yang ginawa mo. It's really best na wag tumira sa parents or in-laws and do not live too close to them. Also, mas maganda kung may househelp kayo na hindi relative or hindi ka-close ng family para maiwasan ang mga ganyan at chismis. I prefer keeping family problems private at nasa sayo na talaga kung i-share mo sa iba. 

[Shopgirl88]

Hello.  I'm a newbie here.  Pero I also need your advise kasi may conflict din kami ng mom ko. 
We live in separate houses. I'm 35, married, working and financial independent. 
Somewhat, my childhood was a bit difficult, my parents and I have a big age gap.  Medyo mahigpit sila pero di naman ako nagrebelde.
Anyways, my mom put something in our house.  Late in the night ko nalaman.  Nung nakaharap ko ang mom ko, sabi ko sana sinabi nya yung ginawa nya.  Sabihin lang, hindi magpa-alam.  Nagiiyak sya at sinabing tinuring naman nya akong anak at masamang masama ang loob nya sa akin. 
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom.  I accepted the fact that she's not easy to please.  Maraming beses nyang pinintasan ang mga luto ko, at may mga comments din siyang masasakit.  I grew up accepting that I can never really please her, she's not vocal to her praises too.   Ni Hindi yata ako nakarinig ng iloveyou pero I know thru her actions that she does love me. 
Dapat ba di na Lang ako kumibo? I thought I was just being honest, kasi mayos naman pagkakasabi ko, without being disrespectful.   

[solepurplelife]

^ Same goes for me sis, I dont know what to do when I have to say something to my mother. Kapag may sinabi ka to oppose her sasabihan ka na sumasagot sa magulang kesyo wala ka raw mararating kapag ganyan and everthing. Tapos kapag hindi ka naman nagsalita hindi mo mapapaliwanag yung side mo. Lalabas na mali ka since ayaw mo nga magsalita. Madalas gusto ko talaga magtimpi pero minsan talaga hindi ko maiwasan mainis. Im only 21 pero kapag may mga ganitong scenes gusto ko mag move out na pero I cant kasi I love her pa rin. 

[Shopgirl88]

^Actually sis, this is not the first time that we had conflict.  Everytime i will try to voice out my concern (that what she said was hurtful) or opinion, either nagagalit sya (di na daw sya makikialam) or iiyak (lahat daw ng ginawa nya mali).   honestly, my relationship with her is so stressful at times.   when i got married, humiwalay agad kami and for a while, na relieve yung stress. 
what hurts me the most ay pinagsasabi nya sa mga kaibigan nya or kamag-anak namin yung mga mistakes ko.  my son heard her talking on the phone to one of her friends and mentioned my name.  this is on the same day na kinausap ko sya. 
siguro dapat di na ako kumibo at i kept na lang yung sama ng loob to myself.  di na ako nadala.  

[kikaygimikera]

Hi all. Thanks po sa mga insights and advice ninyo. I moved out of my parents house.

My mom and I talked after I posted this here in the forums. My mom went in the room and she told me na she's convinced that the husband WANTS to move out because my husband wants my son daw na mailayo sa kanya. Sabi ko, "no hindi ganon mommy. mali ka ng pagkakaintindi". She said "well yun ang pagkakaintindi ko, and shes making a gesture na wag na naten pagusapan yon because im convinced yun ang reason. Tapos ang kanya lang daw is SHE LIKES MY HUSBAND and we are welcome daw sa house.

I doubt it. Ramdam ko naman. Even sa kasal namin, wala siya eh.

May mga posts ang mother ko sa facebook but I am not giving in.

I have my family now (me, husband and my son), and doon ako sa decision ni husband sumunod. We moved out of my parents house.

Well, andito naman kami sa inlaws ko. May house kami pero we are having it rented. Inlaws ko naman are SUPER NICE. Ewan ko ha, I have my experiences from my past in laws (2nd marriage ko na ito) and thankful naman ako na sobrang ang babait ng inlaws ko.

They are even paying for my post graduate studies in another country.

Nakakasama ng loob at mahirap tanggapin na ganon ang mom ko towards me. One time, my MIL told me that my mother told her daw na "yan, si (MY NAME), bayaan mo yan, kaya nya yan." referring to me as independent. My MIL was shocked daw kasi they were talking about my post graduate studies. Sabi ng MIL ko, "paano ka papabayaan eh saan ka naman kukuha ng pan tuition mo?" I told my MIL that my mom has been like that before. Parang walang pakelam. That's how a true parent raises her kid.

I just have to share the difference of my MIL and my MOM. My mil told me that her reason for her existence is her kids. Hanggat kaya nya supportahan yung mga anak niya eh gagawin niya para sa kanila until such time that her kids wont need her support anymore. My MOM naman on the other hand told me that true parenting should be like this: Pay for their schooling and when they graduate, wala na. Her income is for her na lang and dapat wala na para sa mga anak. And dapat maranasan ng anak ang hirap ng buhay ( LITERAL HA!) para pagtanda eh may maikkwento sya sa mga anak niya.

Nakaka bother lang kasi my mom is... rich? May pera na lang. Hindi mayaman. The family members each has its own car and my mom even has a driver. Pero ME, magpapahatid lang ako sa mall, no, parang burden na yun sa driver niya. Kaya Id rather take a cab than magpahatid sa driver niyang nakasimangot. :/

[theshopaholicprincess]

^ sis I can relate to this too. Alam mo yung you were expecting na at those times na kelangan mo mom mo or maging supportive sa bagong family mo eh iba reaction. I don't hate my mom pero we always had conflicting ideas towards life. Since dalaga pa lang ako she always assume that my sister will be the more stable and more "successful" compared to me. Tapos mas mabuti pa yung pakikitungo nya sa ibang tao compared to me. Tapos when I voiced out my concerns she thinks I'm too selfish daw. Sana nga nung time na nagpaalam ako mag asawa they just told me na ayaw nila samin sa bahay para nakapaghanap kami ng place of our own pero they were the one who insist naman na dun kami mag stay sa bahay tapos ngayon na meron conflict kami yung lumalabas na masama.

Tapos ngayon ang super supportive samin ng husband ko eh yung mother in law ko. Sa mother in law ko naramdaman yung care nya samin ng husband ko. Hindi madali manganak and mag alaga ng kid especially if you're juggling work, household chores and your kid pero sya lang yung nakakaintindi samin.

[aquacharly]

After all I have gone through with my mom, all I can advise is:  let her be.

I share here, may be of value to someone, some insights (based on  my experience with my mom):
     
     She and I will always have at best - similar, but never the same,  perception.  It's a generation/ego thing - whatever.  Accept that, with no judgment -- because people are just what they are.

     Useless, or too much wear & tear on me, to convince her she is not always right.  My mom thinks  she is always right (she is perfect at pinning the blame on someone else,  all the time). I think she's incorrigible.

     Best not to confront, but to state my position or opinion clearly  and firmly, ending with:  That's  my take, whether you agree or not.  Sabay, Exit; otherwise, hahaba lang cuento.  Kayang kaya ng mom ko, if I  argue long enough with her -- na ilaglag ang real issue at twist it all na lumabas eh ako pa ang walang respect. Susko

     Keep some distance. Familiarity breeds contempt, and abuse, after all. Do not be  too eager to please her all the time.  If feel nya medj suplada ka or cold (but not disrespectful) --  mag iingat yan sa sinasabi sa yo or about you.

    Accept her faults/bad character with no judgment -- isipin mo na lang, wherever she's coming from  eh ganon, kya sya ganyan/whatever.  Do not take it personally na she is like this or that kasi you are this or that. No, she is whatever because of wherever she is coming from. That saves you from  inflicting uncalled for heartache/blame/guilt on yourself.

Sometimes too, the best course of action is to treat it like a joke.
Or ignore it.
All things pass with Time.
   

[kikaygimikera]

theshopaholicprincess: Thanks. Alam mo ba sa mga inputs niyo I felt somehow hindi ako nagiisa. I thought ako lang ang may ganong mom. It even came to a point Id read horrible mom stories dito sa GT (about the mom who wants to abort her apo...) just to make me feel good para maisip ko my mom is not THAT horrible pa. Alam mo yun? Para ma feel good ako somehow?! Also ganyan nga, mas pabor ng mom ko ang ibang tao than me. Nung nag Macau nga sila ng sister ko, sinama nya [textspeak!] driver nya instead of me. 

aquacharly: yeah, i get you. alam mo ba sis sobrang great help ka sa akin last year. ako [textspeak!] tinulungan mo about my parents and finally I let it go naman. its just that ngayon, i re-married and may conflict na naman bumabalik yung mga issues ko sa mom ko.

I remember my mom even said "paki isa isa nga lahat ng issues mo sa akin para madefend ko naman sarili ko. andami mong hinanakit sa akin pero di ko malaman saan nanggagaling."

I felt bad when she told me this kasi nasabi nya yun sa akin because I talked to her in a VERY NICE WAY na "mom hindi maganda yung nagsasalita ka ng bad about me and my husband sa ibang tao. pag may nakita kang hindi mo nagustuhan, its better i guess to tell us sa amin agad than other people, mi(mommy)"

Tapos andaming sinabi. 

Until now I cant understand her. TALAGA. Iniisip ko move forward. pero kapag may issue na dadating biglang maaalala ko lahat ng ginawa nya. Shes a good provider,mother to us pero haaay.

Totoo. ngayon malayo na kami sa kanya. I sometimes feel guilty pero mas mainam na ganito. May respeto sa akin na nanay ako ng anak ko.

[aquacharly]

KIKAYGIMIKERA, let it go. Don't win battles to lose the war, ika nga.  Some people are close-minded; sila always right, sila lagi aggrieved.  Susko.  I learned after so many years to just let it go -- I don't even go into battles anymore.  Basta gagawin ko what I believe is right/best for me &/or my family. I distance myself sa mga circus acts of my mom, tulad ng pagdala abroad ng mom mo sa driver.

Our moms -- they cannot help what they are --  very far from perfect moms.  Let us learn fom what they are to us by being far better moms.

[theshopaholicprincess]

@kikaygimikera, sometimes din talaga it helps you air it out noh? Honestly reading your posts helps me to unload my burden months ago. Nakakarelate kasi ako. Until now hindi pa rin kami in good terms ng mom ko even andyan yung dad ko para i-lighten yung situation. Niresolve ko na sa sarili ko na talagang in my mom's eyes I am not that significant and siguro blessing in disguise na rin coz she taught how to be strong in times like these. Yun nga lang minsan nakakalungkot na dahil may family na ako and may unang apo na sila dapat ngayon sila mas lalong mag reach out and maging close kami lalo pero parang dito lalo nag widen yung gap namin. Siguro tatanggapin ko na rin na talagang pagdating sa ibang tao or kamag anak mas mabait siya compared sakin.

@aquacharly, I know its for kikaygimikera na advise pero somehow I can relate. Tama ka we can be better moms. Best nga na let go nalang and live life happily with people who loves you.

[carlijn]

Can't help but be sad sa mga sitwasyong closed minded ang mothers, lalo sa mga mentality na porket sila ang mas matanda eh kailangan the children must always give in.  In my case, I think I have reached the point that I cannot forgive her anymore lalo sa recent na development sa ginagawa nya sa family ko.  She already brought things to the point na wala na talagang balikan.  Kumbaga parang nasa blackhole na talaga ang relationship namin.

[kikaygimikera]

theshopaholicprincess: ramdam kita sis. when you said "blessing in disguise na rin coz she taught how to be strong in times like these." minsan iniisip ko nga kapag kunwari nasa wedding ceremony kami and andun sila (for example wedding namin ni hubby) tapos we will thank our parents baka masabi ko lang sa mom ko, thank you sa mga experiences na binigay niyo sa akin, dahil sa iyo naging strong ang personality ko.

Also sis, I have tried reaching out to my mother after all the arguements. sabi kasi ng isang friend ko it helps daw na ipakita sa kanila or ibigay na lang sa kanila yung gusto nila. na sila ang tama. respeto kumbaga? pero hindi pa din.

Clearly I cant move on. But then this helps mga sis.

carljn: pagdasal na lang na we can forgive them and forgive ourselves as well for letting them do this to us.

[theshopaholicprincess]

^ @kikaygimikera, same din sayo sis I tried reaching out and talking to my mom airing out all my grievances and yung mga sama ng loob ko pero sa kanya parang super disrespect na yun. Kami sa paningin nya yung lumalabas na masama ngayon. Months ko dala dala yung inis at sama ng loob pero dun ko lang naisip na hindi lang ito yung situation na nagkaroon kami ng gap ng mom ko kung hindi ever since dalaga palang ako eh ganun na turing nya sakin. She always belittles me na ang dating wala ako maitutulong sa kanya pagdating na time na kelanganin nya kami. Minsan iniiyak ko nalang sa husband ko yung mga naalala ko na ginawa sakin ng mom ko na pinalampas ko lang noon. Sa totoo lang alam ko naman na naging mabuti akong anak. Hindi naman ako naging sakit ng ulo nila while I was growing up so why should I guilty myself knowing na alam ko na inayos ko naman buhay.

Knowing nalang na may mga ganitong forum helped us to unload yung mga sama ng loob natin na di naman natin pwede sabihin sa lahat.

Minsan nga naiisip ko nalang na mag migrate eh, yung tipong kami na yung hahanapin nila.

Kaya natin to, siguro nga test of courage na rin satin to. At least ngayon tanggap ko na ng maluwag yung situation namin ng mom ko. All I need to do is to be a better mom to my son.