I don't know how to start our story, but I know that I need to let this out of my system or else, sasabog na talaga ako.
Hubby and I have been together for 8 years now. But if I were to look back, siguro first two years lang namin yung okay talaga kami, tipong simpleng away lang but happy most of the time. Things started getting messy after our wedding (ironic noh). Ibang klase na yung away namin. I'm able to say bad things to him na before hindi ko talaga nasasabi. During our fights, talagang I would think of something to say na masasaktan sya. Noon, hindi sya gumaganti. I would say sorry after and at the back of my mind, mahal nga ako ng taong ito kasi kahit ganun na yung sinasabi ko, di parin siya gumaganti.
Siguro nga, napuno ko na sya, very recently ibang klase na rin sya magalit sakin. He would say things like, buwisit, mukhang pera, etc. Masakit kasi our fights have always been about one thing and one thing alone: pagiging workaholic niya na wala na siyang time para samin ng baby namin. Homebased ang work niya, I used to think ideal yung set-up namin kasi palagi kami magkasama but then he decided mag office siya para daw walang "distractions". So I agreed. Since then, aalis siya ng bahay ng 12nn, babalik kinabukasan (7am), matutulog tapos aalis ulit. During the times na umuuwi naman sya, he would arrive around 9pm pero tutuloy parin siya ng work until wee hours of the morning. Yun ang issue ko sa kanya. Sana mag set naman siya ng time, maski isang oras para makipagbonding samin. Pero he would always reason out, kailangan niya magtrabaho or else wala kaming gagastusin.
Yung mga ginagawa niya recently sakin, alam nyo yung feeling nababastos na talaga ako. Last mother's day, he made no effort at all, ay meron pala. He posted a status sa fb greeting me along with his friends, walang distinction man lang or special message para sakin. When I asked him bakit ganun lang, ang sagot niya "Hindi para batiin ka ngayong araw na to, hindi mo deserve." I cried myself to sleep that night kasi lahat na ng area ng pagkatao ko nalait na niya, but my being a mom, parang hindi ko naman kaya tanggapin. He said sorry few days later pa pero after, parang wala lang nangyari.
And last weekend, he was dropping hints na he wants to make love, so ako naman since namiss mo ko, sige. Pinatulog namin yung baby namin but pati siya nakatulog, so I woke him up, naligo pa sya and pagbalik niya, medyo antok na ako. When we finally started, salita siya ng salita e baka magising si baby so I joked,"ay ang daldal". I later realized he misheard it as "ang bagal" so what he did next, sobrang nakakabastos. Binilisan niya and released, tapos got dressed right after. I was lying on the bed, surprised at what happened, and hurt kasi pakiramdam ko, sorry for the word -- pinarausan lang. I told him, tama ba yung ginawa mo? and he said, oo tama, sabi mo bilisan ko diba? I felt like a prostitute, surprising kasi I never thought I could feel like that e asawa ko naman sya, but the way he did it, bastos na bastos talaga pakiramdam ko.
When he got to his office yesterday, I told him how I felt about what he did and he said, "Ako pa, ako pa ngayon ang bastos?" I asked him what he wants to do, and he said ayaw na daw niya. Wag na daw kami magkibuan. He'll go home para lang makita baby namin but as for me, he wants nothing to do with me anymore.
Ako din, parang pagod na sa paulit ulit na nangyayari samin. Fighter ako, I've always said paglalaban ko yung relationship namin against all odds, pero dati kasi yung odds namin ay other people, pero mahirap pala pag between us two na yung ugat ng problema. Pano ipaglalaban? Naisip ko pa kahapon, I'll do the Love Dare, pero I was also thinking, deserve niya pa ba mga effort ko? Never in our 8-years together na nageffort siya para sa akin, and sometimes I want to blame myself kasi hindi ko binigyan ng worth yung sarili ko so ginaganyan na din niya ako ngayon. I don't know.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
May magagawa pa ba? Or OA lang ba yun nararamdaman ko?
