Am I being too unfair?
Hi Guys.
I've been in a relationship for six years na. Most peole would think na almost perfect na ang relationship namin because we've been together for "six" years. We started as college friends and eventually after a couple of years, we became a couple. We spent almost 4 years in college so expected na lagi kami magkasama and we go out with the same circle of friends. I can say nasanay ako sa ganoon set up namin noon. Now, that we're both working na, I must admit na we're still having issues. Trust issues to be exact. It was two years ago when we almost broke up. That time boyfriend's looking for work and the time na nakahanap siya, hindi kami okay. Nauna ako nagkaroon ng work sa kanya and I feel that time na I can do this without him. Honestly, for a moment I thought I could stand on my own. He kept on communicating with me once in a while pero hindi kasing dalas noon. I missed him, pero I enjoyed the people around me kaya hindi ko siya masyado naiisip. I think this lasted for five months. I was confident that time when my colleagues would ask me what happened, can't remember the exact words pero I knew in my heart na hindi siya magloloko. Because we made a promise na kami lang talaga, na we just have to part ways for a while kasi nga kailangan pa namin maayos yun problem namin. I swear, these five months was the worst part of our relationship. Thankfully, we managed to fix it and naging okay din kami ulit. Until one day, I feel like he cheated on me. Since then, I started thinking what happened in the past few months na hindi kami magkasama. In short, nawala yun trust ko sa kanya. And since he's working in a call center, mas lalo ako natakot na something happened behind my back. I have nothing against callcenter agents but let's face it, it's reality na maraming issues sa ganyan. He used to work there for two years, so imagine what I've been through habang doon siya nagwowork. After shift drinking sessions, out of towns, him being close with girls, etc etc. I feel like everytime I try to give back my trust, nasisira lang ito dahil may nakikita ako. Though walang proof or evidence na he cheated on me talaga. By the way, it's given na he's close with girls talaga kasi he's such a funny guy and hello, only guy ka ba naman sa limang babaeng magkakapatid. College pa lang kami, aware na ako doon pero before kasi I know his girl friends, but now, I don't even know them tapos you're close to him? I know this may sound too selfish but feeling ko I was traumatized na. I feel insecure too kapag may sexy or pretty girls siya na napapansin, though he's open naman sa mga ganoon.
We're really doing good actually but I can't hide the fact that I can't give back my trust. Sobrang close din ako sa family niya and kilala din naman siya ng family ko. Sometimes, I feel guilty kasi alam ko he's doing he's best para makuha ulit yun though wala naman siyang inamin na may ginawa siyang mali. He would say sorry kapag feeling niya mali yun ginawa niya pero most of the time, he wouldn't kasi he knows and he's confident enough na wala siyang ginagawang mali. He even gave up his Facebook (for two years during his stay sa call center) for me para wala ng issues. He also makes time for me always.. Kahit pa na conflict ang work schedules namin, kahit saglit pa yan magkikita at magkikita parin kami. We used to go to church every Sunday din kapag may time. He would let me have time with his sisters and cousins/family kapag may lakad.. Sinusundo niya din ako sa work if time permits. He would write handwritten letters with doodles pa kapag may occassion or even simpleng araw lang. That's how dedicated he is to me as a boyfriend..
Early this year, we thought of getting married in two or three years time. Honestly, I can't imagine my life without him kasi alam kong mahal niya ako and ng family niya and he never left me since day one. It's just that I have my personal issues. I can't seem to trust him.. Alam ko everytime I bring up this issue, nasasaktan ko siya pero I can't help it. Ang hirap to be in this situation kasi parang I can't move on with the past. Parang dala ko parin lahat hanggang ngayon..
Am I being too unfair to him and to myself? I feel like I know the answer pero in denial parin ako. This has to stop pero I don't know where to start. I don't wanna lose him and this relationship.. He's a nice guy, no wonder may mga girls na nagttry na sirain yun relationship namin. Pero parang natatalo ako ng emotions and insecurities ko.
By the way, thanks for reading. Ang haba ng post ko but really thanks for your time.
