Financial Issues and Other Prob

[lisse]

^^@ Sis Awesomecakes, in your 7 years together, how open are you 2 to each other? Kasi sa nakikita ko, if hindi mo pa "i-challenge" si bf na magsabi kung talagang okay as in okay lang sa kanya na hindi ka agree na magborrow siya sa wedding funds niyo, eh I am sure that in the future if ever may financial needs ulit family niya, he will keep it from you na and malamang ma-compromise ang savings allotted for your wedding fund. I am not saying that he shouldn't help out, for one thing,  hindi pa kayo kasal so mahirap manghimasok sa finances niya even with his promise.

In some ways, it will help if both your families will know na you guys are already on the wedding planning and have been saving for it, they will then understand na bawas-bawas muna kayo ng mga "obligations" sa sarili niyong family. A little caveat though, because if his/your family is not the understanding type, eh it can be viewed as ka-competition na sa "support" and will keep on asking for help for this and that until hindi na madagdagan savings niyo.

Hubby and I were never in that situation because our families are independent financially. If we give or help out, eh it's because of our own accord. No pressure. So I can't give you that much on specifically how you should go about this.

In your case, were you able to keep track kung sino ang naghulog for this certain dep? If you were, then make sure that BF only gets to borrow the part na he himself contributed. For me lang ha, ansama na nga kung hindi mababalik yung savings, mas lalo na if pati my part of the savings eh nagamit din. I'm not saying be selfish, just protect your interests. And lastly, how on-board is he to the plan of settling down? Baka kasi hindi wedding ang priorities niya as of now kaya it's okay for him na mabawasan yung fund. May target budget ba kayo?


^sis neraks, I agree! As much as possible, wag pag-awayan ang pera. Kikitain pa rin yan, pero hurt feelings, broken heart and marriage, mahirap ng mabawi pa. And besides, when we married our spouses, we vowed to love and to cherish each other, for richer or for poorer. I know it sounds so gasgas na, pero for me I have so much respect to these vows. Traditional and old fashioned, may be, but hindi mo maaalis ang gravity ng meaning ng words na yon.
Good luck sa inyo  sis, and always pray for wisdom and guidance. This too shall pass.

[Priceless]

Sis Awesomecakes, maitanong ko lang, how serious is he about this "wedding plans" and "wedding budget"? In my case kasi, I was not the one who raised the topic of getting married...Even if I knew and felt that we were very clearly heading in that direction, I let him make up his own mind and plans. Kasi I believed na kung decidido na sya sa pagpapakasal, alam nya kung papano iprprioritize ang time and money nya.

Perhaps if you don't know it yet, set a target date, and go around sa mga wedding shows para ma-gauge nyo kung ano ang gusto at hindi gusto for your wedding. Then you can estimate how much you really need for the wedding and how far off you are from the target amount. That way, he clearly knows what you guys are saving for and you get a better idea on how serious he is about your marriage plans.

As for supporting the family, it's never a problem for us because my husband is very responsible and is very prudent with money. He would lavish his family with gifts (trips mostly) and he maintains a bank account which they can access but in fairness his family has never abused his generosity. Minsan lang naiinis ako kasi they would plan for multiple trips in a year (all in business class) to visit us, pero so far yun lang naman - and in the greater scheme of things, maliit na bagay lang yun.

On the other hand, hindi din nya pinapakialaman kung magkano or ano ang ibinibigay ko sa parents ko. The bottom line is that we are very open on how much we earn and that we live way below our means. And that our families are never abusive when it comes to whatever help/gifts we decide to give to them.

[Awesomecakes]

Sis Awesomecakes, maitanong ko lang, how serious is he about this "wedding plans" and "wedding budget"? In my case kasi, I was not the one who raised the topic of getting married...Even if I knew and felt that we were very clearly heading in that direction, I let him make up his own mind and plans. Kasi I believed na kung decidido na sya sa pagpapakasal, alam nya kung papano iprprioritize ang time and money nya.

Perhaps if you don't know it yet, set a target date, and go around sa mga wedding shows para ma-gauge nyo kung ano ang gusto at hindi gusto for your wedding. Then you can estimate how much you really need for the wedding and how far off you are from the target amount. That way, he clearly knows what you guys are saving for and you get a better idea on how serious he is about your marriage plans.

As for supporting the family, it's never a problem for us because my husband is very responsible and is very prudent with money. He would lavish his family with gifts (trips mostly) and he maintains a bank account which they can access but in fairness his family has never abused his generosity. Minsan lang naiinis ako kasi they would plan for multiple trips in a year (all in business class) to visit us, pero so far yun lang naman - and in the greater scheme of things, maliit na bagay lang yun.

On the other hand, hindi din nya pinapakialaman kung magkano or ano ang ibinibigay ko sa parents ko. The bottom line is that we are very open on how much we earn and that we live way below our means. And that our families are never abusive when it comes to whatever help/gifts we decide to give to them.

Early this year, we celebrated our 6th year anniversary and napagusapan na namin na it's a great idea to get married on our 8th Anniversary (which is on May 2015). I'm the one who suggested the date and he agreed naman, we planned this date kasi alam namin na we have our responsibilities pa to our family/parents so may time pa kami to do that. To answer your question on how serious he is, I don't know since I can't speak for him. Sa ngayon kasi na-stop yun pag-allot niya ng certain amount from his salary for our savings kasi nga he's funding his family's expenses sa house. We only have 1.5 years to save, and he doesn't even initiate to ask me or plan the wedding specifics(church, etc). OR I guess it's too early pa to plan?? I don't know time will tell na lang siguro.. Though we're still young pa naman (we both just turned 25 this year).

[Priceless]

^It really depends on how much your target budget is and what you envisage your wedding to be. Syempre baka iba yung ideas nya sa iyo at hindi pa clear sa inyo kung magkano ba talaga ang kakailanganin to hold the wedding that you both agree on. Let's say you want to be wed at a specific church, and hold a buffet style service sa isang hotel, baka kukulangin ang 500K sa budget. From that you can agree how much you contribute every month, that will still allow you to live comfortably. Either baka kailangang you compromise on the dates or the theme of the wedding to work with the budget you can afford or you work on a strategy para makaipon kayo to meet that budget (just in case wala nang maititipid pa). Kung hindi sya ganun ka committed sa pag-iipon for your wedding, perhaps hindi pa yun talaga ang priority nya and you might as well have a different discussion about your marriage plans.

As with any other couples intending to get married, the advice is, think twice, thrice, and many many many more times before jumping in dahil you need to look beyond the wedding and focus on the quality of life you will have after getting married. The quantity or length of time of being together shouldn't and wouldn't automatically mean you end up together or you have to get married na. It's nice to have something to look forward to, and it's definitely a good thing to be with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but perhaps it wouldn't hurt to think about the  quality of life where you both will enjoy being together and stay married.

[Awesomecakes]

^^@ Sis Awesomecakes, in your 7 years together, how open are you 2 to each other? Kasi sa nakikita ko, if hindi mo pa "i-challenge" si bf na magsabi kung talagang okay as in okay lang sa kanya na hindi ka agree na magborrow siya sa wedding funds niyo, eh I am sure that in the future if ever may financial needs ulit family niya, he will keep it from you na and malamang ma-compromise ang savings allotted for your wedding fund. I am not saying that he shouldn't help out, for one thing,  hindi pa kayo kasal so mahirap manghimasok sa finances niya even with his promise.
In some ways, it will help if both your families will know na you guys are already on the wedding planning and have been saving for it, they will then understand na bawas-bawas muna kayo ng mga "obligations" sa sarili niyong family. A little caveat though, because if his/your family is not the understanding type, eh it can be viewed as ka-competition na sa "support" and will keep on asking for help for this and that until hindi na madagdagan savings niyo.
Hubby and I were never in that situation because our families are independent financially. If we give or help out, eh it's because of our own accord. No pressure. So I can't give you that much on specifically how you should go about this.
In your case, were you able to keep track kung sino ang naghulog for this certain dep? If you were, then make sure that BF only gets to borrow the part na he himself contributed. For me lang ha, ansama na nga kung hindi mababalik yung savings, mas lalo na if pati my part of the savings eh nagamit din. I'm not saying be selfish, just protect your interests. And lastly, how on-board is he to the plan of settling down? Baka kasi hindi wedding ang priorities niya as of now kaya it's okay for him na mabawasan yung fund. May target budget ba kayo?

 

In almost seven years that we’ve been together, I can say na we’re open naman, it’s just that ngayon lang nangyari ito sa amin, na he had to borrow money from our savings. Well according to him, he’s just ‘hurt’ kasi it’ll be returned naman so why I have to think twice pa. Anyway this issue has been settled na naman. I feel na nadala lang kami ng emotions namin, kaya may mga nasabbi kami. He said sorry na for that.
I don’t think his family have an idea na, because as far as I know ay kami pa lang dalawa ang nagp-plan at nakakaalam. Even when our friends asks, we don’t answer them specifically na this year, etc. Idk but I still think na he’s obligated to fund his family. His sister’s still in college and siya rin ang nagpapaaaral. We agreed to get married after niya makatapos.
When it comes to our savings naman, we have our tracker and honestly, he has a bigger part of it. Like 60-70% ay sa kanya. I’m just disappointed na he promised to fund this amount pero na-stop for some reasons. Regarding the target budget, wala parin. For me it’s still blurry, and it’s sad kasi parang I’m the only one who looks forward to it. Or let’s just say, I’m not his top priority as of this moment.

^It really depends on how much your target budget is and what you envisage your wedding to be. Syempre baka iba yung ideas nya sa iyo at hindi pa clear sa inyo kung magkano ba talaga ang kakailanganin to hold the wedding that you both agree on. Let's say you want to be wed at a specific church, and hold a buffet style service sa isang hotel, baka kukulangin ang 500K sa budget. From that you can agree how much you contribute every month, that will still allow you to live comfortably. Either baka kailangang you compromise on the dates or the theme of the wedding to work with the budget you can afford or you work on a strategy para makaipon kayo to meet that budget (just in case wala nang maititipid pa). Kung hindi sya ganun ka committed sa pag-iipon for your wedding, perhaps hindi pa yun talaga ang priority nya and you might as well have a different discussion about your marriage plans.

As with any other couples intending to get married, the advice is, think twice, thrice, and many many many more times before jumping in dahil you need to look beyond the wedding and focus on the quality of life you will have after getting married. The quantity or length of time of being together shouldn't and wouldn't automatically mean you end up together or you have to get married na. It's nice to have something to look forward to, and it's definitely a good thing to be with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but perhaps it wouldn't hurt to think about the  quality of life where you both will enjoy being together and stay married.

Well I guess that’s the truth, that getting married isn’t his top priority pa for now. I want to ask him though about this ‘planning’ thingy pero I’m afraid nab aka iba isipin niya sa akin. Do you think it’s okay to ask? I’m not sure if this is the perfect time kasi baka he’s still pressured sa mga bagay. And you know guys, ayaw nila ng pinapangunahan sila and they think they can manage, kahit minsan hindi talaga nila kaya. I’m just being careful kasi we’re too sensitive pa, baka we might end up fighting lang ulit.
Anyway, thanks so much for the advice sis. Really appreciate it! It’s a great feeling to have someone who gives advice sa akin. Thank you, thank you!  God bless you sis.

[lisse]

^ah, ganun pala. In that case, I agree na medyo palipasin mo muna ng ilang araw or weeks yung incident before you bring up the topic of saving for the wedding, and exactly when and what's the target. I agree with you na this might put him on the defensive. Although for me, 2 bagay lang yan eh: either he's really not ready pa talaga given his obligations, or he's really not ready pa talaga to get married hence, it's easy for him to "lend" money to his family without inhibitions. Medyo tricky talaga ang GF - family issue, syempre I know na ayaw mo din na ipa-feel sa kanya as if he has to choose between you and his family.

So for now nga, medyo wag munang pag-usapan. For the mean time, try to assess din your feelings: hanggang saan ka magbibigay, until when ka maghihintay, what are your non-negotiables, etc. But chill lang, wag masyadong i-career bec the last thing you need is to be stressed about it. Just be ready for whatever he decides na path ng relationship niyo: either to wait or to push through with the original "plans".

[quinone]

Well according to him, he’s just ‘hurt’ kasi it’ll be returned naman so why I have to think twice pa.

kasi that means bad planning/budgeting on his part. walang pinagkaiba yan sa nagaantay ka ng next payday kasi ibabayad ninyo at mapuputulan na ng kuryente. baka kailangan may emergency fund siya na personal lalu na if you get married; otherwise, katulad ng iniisip mo, it will definitely happen again.

[IloveMybabs]

sis Awesomecakes we have the same problem 2years ago

here is what happened.

2011 hubby was assigned abroad bago sya umalis nag propose sya saken
we agreed to get married sa church 2012 and civil Dec 2011.

umuwi sya sa pinas Dec 2011 para sa civil wedding namin. pero yong buong 2011 wala sya ipon as in 0 to think na nasa abroad sya and yong kita nya halos 6x ng kita nya sa pinas, kasi pinaayos yong bahay nila, bumili ng mga appliances as in lahat ng kailangan sa bahay and sya din kasi nag susupport sa family nya and nagpapa aral sa kapatid nya wala ng work yong parents nya sa bahay na lang.

whats worst is hindi sure kung hanggang kelan yong assignment nya sa abroad kung extended ba sya o hanggang June na lang sya. sobrang nakaka stress kasi nakapag pareserve na kami sa mga suppliers and hindi kasi basta bastang suppliers yong kinuha namin. what I mean is medjo pricey sila.

pero kinausap ko sya I can still remember niyaya ko sya to have a drink kasi I need to burst out my feelings kasi inis na inis na ko panu wala na kaming pera plan nya pang bumili ng aircon para sa pamangkin nya ang saken naman wala na nga tayong ipon kung ano ano pa iniisip mo. so aun sinabi ko sa kanya na naiinis ako sa situation namin na feeling ko hindi nya prinaprioritize yong plan namin and tinanung ko sa kanya kung sa tingin ba nya muka akong pera o kontrabida na ba ko sa buhay ng family nila kasi ayoko na magbigay ng sobra o ng hindi naman talaga nila need. sabi naman nya hindi daw naiintindihan nya ko.

so nagka sundo kami wala ng extra padala sa family nya kung magkanu lang talaga yong monthy allowance yon lang un tska yong pang tuition ng kapatid nya. kung may birthday or anniversary 1k ang allotted budget. before kasi pag nahohospital din pamangkin nya sagot pa nya (anak nung kapatid na pinag aaral nya) ang saken naman my work naman yong tatay ng pamangkin nya bakit hindi sila gumastos eh libre naman sa kanila lahat kasi dun sila sa in-laws ko nakatira.

to cut the story short natuloy naman yong church wedding namin medjo may konting utang after the wedding pero manageable naman. until now minsan nagtatalo pa din kami regarding sa priorities nya pero napag uusapan naman and in fairness naman sa asawa ko gumagawa naman sya talaga ng paraan to support our family and his family. iniisip ko na lang na paano pag ako nasa situation nya naiipit kasi parehong love ko yong family ko and family namin.

IMO mag usap kayo ng masinsinan sabihin mo nararamdaman mo kasi hindi sila manghuhula na naiinis kana pala hindi nila alam. I think makakatulong din kung sasabihin nyo sa parehong family nyo yong plan nyo para alam nila na dapat medjo hinay hinay sa hingi kasi may pinag iipunan and regarding sa details ng kasal naku normal lang yan si hubby 1week na lang before kasal hindi nya alam kung sino coordinator namin and sa lahat ng nakausap kong bride nagrereklamo na parang walang pakialam sa wedding yong groom. think positive na lang isipin atleast walang kokontra sayo kung sino piliin mo na supplier