Childless marriage?

[bpa]

is it normal for a married couple to not want to have a child? not because of financial or health reason. you just both opted not to have a child.

[vianyx]

yes!!
desisyon nyo yang mag asawa na ayaw muna eh..

yan din balak ko kapag mag asawa na kami ni bf...
balak ko 1yr pa bago magkababy after wedding..
gusto ko lang masolo muna namin ang isat isa na mag asawa na kami kahit 1yr lang..
sana matupad..
ahaha

[bagaholic_chewy]

Yes. I have two couple friends who agreed not to have children when they got married. Buti na lang at pareho naman sila ng gusto. One of the couples eventually decided (after being married for 7 years) to have one child. Buti at nakahabol pa naman, and she gave birth late last year. Nasa couple naman yan, ang importante is mag-agree ang couple. Kasi mahirap pag yung isa e gusto, yung isa ayaw.

[mrsB]

^^I think sis iba naman yung mini-mean ni TS. Yung plan mo kasi is "delay" lang ng paga-anak, hindi permanent na pagiging childless...

Anyway, to answer TS, hindi (pa) normal sa Filipino couples and hindi pag-aanak. Filipinos value children kasi talaga. Ang mag-asawa nga di tinatawag na "pamilya" hanggang wala pang anak eh.

[Girltalker2]

Sa Pinas lang naman kelangan may anak. Sa ibang bansa lang mas open minded or mas accepted kung wala kayong anak.

[kabes]

may nabasa ako na sa ibang bansa, liability pa ang may anak, toddler specifically. may mga restaurant na di ina-allow pag may baby.

reason behind it is that people go there to relax, then mai-stress sa restaurant.

last night, im in the plane, tapos may iyak na iyak na bata, nagtatantrum, jusko, gusto kong mainis sa nanay bakit di gawan ng paraan before the flight, para di restless yung bata. pero alam ko naman na she is doing her best and dapat di ako mainis. i just can't manage my feelings kasi super pagod na ko.

anyway, we've been trying to have a baby for 6years na. minsan, naiisip ko, na buti na din siguro wala, ang ikli ng patience ko

[princessrio]

^maikli rin pasensya ko sis, but nung nagkaanak ako, humaba ito. 

yes, it's possible na couples wouldn't want to have a child. ibang iba kasi pag may bata. laking responsibility. 

[bpa]

parang di tanggap dito sa pinas pag ganito set-up. they assume na may infertility problem isa or both. kahit explain mo pa yun reasons, di talaga mainitindihan ng mga tao. ewan ko, di ko den maintindihan kung bakit di nila maintindihan pag preferred mo being married without child.

[nessy]

Sadly, sa culture natin, it is not normal. Ako, we're not married yet, but we're planning to (that's another story though, OT pag kinwento ko pa).

ME, personally, can't say that He and I are a "family", kasi nga siguro, wala kaming anak. Ganon kasi sis sa culture natin. Ewan ko ba, in my mind, I certainly know na okay lang yon, kaso ang mga ibang tao, hindi iyon maintindihan.

Tama yong isang sis natin dito na pag ang dalawang mag-asawa/living in for so long ay walang anak, people will tend to think one has fertility problem. In our case, ako iyon kasi siya ay may anak sa una.

Mahirap oo, pero mas mahirap pa yong ipaliwanag sa ibang tao bakit ganito situation namin. Minsan nga, kahit health reasons pa, they will not understand it. Maybe because they find it hard to understand or they simply just would not like to.

Kami, when I ask Him evrytime he would answer, "Okay lang yon" Eh di mag-ampon tayo." Pero hindi ganon kadali. Iba pa rin kasi pag sa yo galing di ba? Somehow, medyo okay sa akin but the other part of me says it's not. At first, okay sa akin yong hindi magka-baby. But as time passes by, natatakot na rin ako for myself.

Depende na lang yan sa kung anong totoong gusto ninyong mag-asawa. Important talaga ang mag-usap ng masinsinan. And of course, PRAYERS!

[starlitgrove]

If you're basing it on the Filipino society's standards of marriage and family, then it is not "normal". We're so family oriented that we're not even married for a full month and people already ask us if we're pregnant/expecting.

My opinion, this is a personal choice that _both_ of you need to make and commit to. You need to talk about this thoroughly before getting married, and it's not something that can be decided on in a day. Here are some of the factors we considered when my husband (my fiance then) and I talked about this:

- How do we explain this to our parents when they ask? - My parents are open minded and they understood. His parents are more traditional, so we both just decided to answer with the generic "Wala pa po e." Thankfully, they don't pry into the details, beyond asking if we've had ourselves checked (which we did because healthwise, it's good practice). Which leads us to:
- Pakialamero relatives, acquaintances, even friends - You will have to deal with this during family reunions, get togethers with friends who have kids. Don't explain yourself na if they're traditional in thinking. You'll just get a lot of "naku pagsisisihan nyo lang yan, ang saya kaya ng may baby" opinions. Partida pag devout Catholic pa yung relative nyo, you'll get the marriage is for procreation spiel. Do not disrespect them, just smile and nod, labas sa kabilang tenga. Do not take the bait that will lead to a long debate involving everyone in the room and ending with people giving your husband pitying glances (or vice versa if si hubby ang na-interview).
- What if at some point, one of you changes their mind? I read a book where this is the situation the couple faced (Baby Poof by Emily Giffin). This needs to be discussed really thoroughly. Is not having a baby an absolute? As in never? What if, parang yung friend ni sis who posted above, after 5 years, may 1 sa inyo na biglang gusto na magka-anak? I sometimes experience this when I am with my friends who have well-behaved babies. Tapos the moment they cry and make a ruckus, ayoko na uli muna hehe. Same sentiments si hubby. If pareho kayong absolutely no, as in deal breaker, kailangan malinaw sa inyong 2 and tanggap nyo pareho. Baka kasi para sa 1, absolutely never pala tapos yung 1 naman ang intindi ay mahabang postponement lang. Take into consideration that the only thing constant is change, and 5 years from now, baka maiba na ang mga maging gusto nyo sa buhay.

Ok, hanggang dyan muna. Isipin ko pa mga ibang na-discuss namin ni hubby about this before. Hope some of this will help.

[bpa]

^ for us ni hubby, walang problem. same talaga kame. ciempre tayo may biological clock, sila wala naman. although we still have a decade to change our mind, but i doubt na magbago. natanong ko na den siya if magbago ba decision nya. baka nga kase pag-late na tsaka maisip na gusto pala. eh, wag nya i-reason na mambabae siya dahil gusto nya ng anak. i'll kick him out of the house. definite naman sagot namen paroho na we don't want to. ilan beses na namin napagusapan. actually after marriage na-brought up tong issue. we didn't have an idea na pareho pala kame ng iniisip before we got married. buti nalang kung hindi malaking issue talaga to.

sa family, they are not pushing but they are asking since we've been together na for quite a number of years na den. but di nalang namen talaga sinasabi sa kanila na we're not planning on having one. di talaga nila maiintindihan since only son si hubby and sa amen wala pang may baby sa mga kapatid ko. so, if ever, first apo and pamangkin. haha.

nakakainis lang kase, since i'm on the "chubby" side, sometimes nakakarinig ako ng comments from hubby's side na papayat ako baka yun problem. eh, hello, di naman talaga ko thin ever since. di nga lang kase kasing chubby now coz of nature ng work and wala talaga ko exercise now. sa family ko naman, di issue yon weight ko but mas persistent sila. mas sila yun nagtatanong, minsan to the point na nangungulit. pasok sa isa tenga labas sa kabila. sa tita ko kase, they're saying na di daw ma-enjoy yun money pagtanda pag wala anak kase wala daw magtutuloy nung lahi, parang ganun. sa aken naman, ano konek. di naman anak lang makakapagpasaya sa tao. for me kase more of personal issues than financial/responsibility issues kaya ayoko. but i'm no pushover so di ren talaga nila mapapabago isip ko. i know it's our life; it's our decision. nakakainis lang yun sinasabihan ka tapos di mo masabi reason kase di ren naman maintindihan.

[hisana]

For as long as I can remember, my mother has been very vocal about regretting having kids. She started her married life at a time when having children immediately afterwards was a "must" -- at hindi lang isang anak, dapat may kapatid pa! Through the years, she would always point out how much she  sacrificed for us and would comment na ano na lang daw sasabihin ng iba if it appeared as though she wasn't raising us right, which is why she did what she did. I'm grateful for all those sacrifices, but she acted miserable most of the time, na kahit ako I wished she never had me and had the life she wanted. She was so convinced that having us was what prevented her from doing the things she wanted in life.

So kung sure na sure na ayaw magkaroon ng anak, then so be it. It's not a sin or a a crime not to have one. The genuinely well-meaning among family and friends will understand your decision. Keber sa ibang tao; people will always talk about anything and everything no matter what we do or say. Might as well live our lives the way we want it. Buti nga ngayon hindi ganun katindi ang stigma against childlessness. Meron pa rin sa atin, I agree, but medyo open-minded na ang iba.

Oops, long post. Sorry, I ramble sometimes.

[skyrimgal]

My husband's friends are all childless by choice. Kami lang dalawa ang naiba. They like children naman because I can see them with their nieces, nephews, and younger cousins and they are very good with them but they don't want to have children of their own. I don't know why. I never asked because I'm not close to them as my husband is and my husband is not nosy enough (like me) to bother asking them. He even has a friend who is so convinced that he doesn't want to have any children now or in the future that at the young age of 25 he already had a vasectomy. They are all Americans though. As for my Filipino friends, wala akong kilala na gusto maging childless by choice. Childless for now, meron, yung mga kaibigan ko na gusto muna ma-enjoy ang buhay mag-asawa (at marami pang gustong ma-experience like travelling the globe, etc) but eventually they all want to have kids of their own someday.

For me, medyo hirap akong intindihin yung reason why my husband's friends doesn't want to have kids. They have dogs but they don't want children? They like kids but they don't want to raise them? Parang hindi ko talaga maintindihan.. if they don't want having a responsibility, bakit may aso sila? If they hate kids why do they borrow their pamangkins for the weekend? I'm not trying to offend anyone ha.. I know there are couples there who will read this and they are childless by choice also.  I'm just really curious as to what the reason is as to why they do not want to have kids EVER.

[praetorius]

last night, im in the plane, tapos may iyak na iyak na bata, nagtatantrum, jusko, gusto kong mainis sa nanay bakit di gawan ng paraan before the flight, para di restless yung bata.

like what, sedate the child pre-flight? 

the decision to have a kid / number of kids rests solely on the couple and nobody else. it could be due to several factors of which dapat igalang at unawain ng society at this point.

di talaga maiwasan na maraming marinig sa kanto kung bakit wala pa kayong anak, etc. sige lang... if that makes you happy, and di naman kayo nakakasakit ng ibang tao, why bother?

[ReservoirDogs]

^

My sister-in-law and her husband have cats, and they also don't want to have kids, ever.

Having a pet is vastly different from having a kid. With pets, you just feed them, play with them, bathe them, but you can leave them.  You can't do that with a kid. Plus, hindi naman pinapapaaral ang mga aso / puso.

My SIL also likes kids but doesn't want one. I understand this sentiment because I have a nephew. I love him to bits, pero hindi naman ako yung napapagod gabi gabi, hindi ako yung nagpapadede, hindi ako yung bumibili ng gamit for him, etc. In short, when things get tough (like my nephew throws tantrums or nag-poop), I can always return him to my sister.  Hindi ko pwede gawin yun kapag may anak na ako (yes, I am married but we don't have a kid, yet).

My SIL told me that they don't want to have kids because the responsibility of being a parent is too much for them.

[mooncake and leaves]

i find it perfectly normal. i struggle with the idea too though ultimately i want kids. but i can see why remaining childless is appealing. kids drain energy, opportunities, wallets, identities i have friends din who don't want to have kids because they find children intolerable and they believe that the hassle and pain children bring far outweigh the fulfillment.

anyway, you guys might have already read this but to those who haven't, here's a piece from a mom who regrets having her children: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2303588/The-mother-says-having-children-biggest-regret-life.html

while i wish she wrote under a pseudonym, i get where she's coming from and i easily sympathize with some of the things she said, such as:

"and here, perhaps is the nub of it: i would not take the job of motherhood and do it half-heartedly. unlike so many would-be mums, i thought hard about the responsibilities of my role, and i believe, if more women did before rushing heedlessly into it, they might share my reservations."

"having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally... It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. and your job is never done."

(On her daughter's illness and her conclusion, which i liked) "i am her full-time carer and if i could have MS instead of her, i gladly would... i am 57 now and as i approach old age, i have an ever-more dependent daughter.

yet i would cut off my right arm if she or stuart (writer's son) needed it.

and that, maybe, is the paradox. i am a conscientious and caring parent, yet perhaps i would have resented my children less had i not been."

[glamorosa_09]

I read the article. Everything the author described about motherhood is all true. But to be a good mother, one must be capable of giving unconditional love - a love that doesn't expect anything in return, a love that never gets tired, a love that sacrifices.

Pag mom ka, unconditional love talaga. For two years, never ko pang naderecho ang 8 hours na tulog, every night either putol-putol or kulang.

I shared kay hubby yung article, lalo na yung naiwan ang baby sa shop, ang nasabi nya lang, "epitome of selfishness," LOL! But I don't judge the author, sabi nga, "you can't give what you don't have." So I assume na hindi rin ito nakatanggap ng maternal love from her primary caregivers when she was just a child. But I don't consider her a good mother either, like how she perceives herself, siguro great care taker. For me kasi a true mother equals true love, with the absence of unconditional love, one cannot be a mother.

[honeyblue]

Although we just got married last year, hubby and i decided that we don't want to have children. I'm not sure if our minds will eventually change pero, as of now, ok lang if we remain childless. I actually get irritated with people's reaction when we say that we don't have any plan of having children as if the only purpose of marriage is procreation. Hello, 2013 na po. Hindi porke wala kayong anak ni hubby, di na kayo pwedeng tawaging family.

I like kids (I super love my pamangkins!) pero I cannot handle them for a long time. I'm also afraid na if ever we have a child, di maging ok paglaki. People will say na it's how parents raise them naman. Well, I don't agree with that cause ang daming kong kilala na ok ang parents pero ang anak, never mind.  May mga nagsasabi din samin na iba ang happiness pag may anak. My answer: tell that to me again pag lumaking salbahe ang anak mo. Tsaka what I don't know won't hurt me. Haha.

[ReservoirDogs]

^

My thoughts exactly.  I'm a naturally paranoid person, it will push me over the edge siguro pag nagkaanak ako. :p

[junepets]

We have been married for 6 years now..
First few years we're trying..

but now.. tanggap ko na.. i do love kids, yes.... madalas dadalaw ako sa sis ko para magyaya sa mga pamangkin ko..

pero yeah... feeling ko di ko kaya gawin yun ginagawa ng sister ko for her kids... not unless maging housewife ako...
pero if i am working.. am happy with our setup...