filipino-chinese relationships 2

[little_princess]

what's hard kasi is someone from a different culture will not understand our traditions and think negatively of it. yun yung problema. eh if you look back in the Spanish Era, the Filipinos or the Spanish are the oppressors of the Chinese.

Anyway, relationship wise marami ng mas open ngayon but most of them still choose to marry within the Chinese community para yung traditions and cultures andyan pa din because we are an immigrant culture.

I got married to an English guy and it was such a big issue sa family ko. Swerte ko na lang that my parents relented and came to terms na this is the guy I want to spend my life with and mabait naman talaga. Medyo Chinese pa kami and the nice traditions like pua tiong chiu and CNY, he likes. There are some he will tolerate and some he just don't understand. Pero key dyan is understanding between two people and willing to compromise

[irian]

Shoot, I have so many pages to backread in the previous thread. But I'm still glad that I found this discussion, it's interesting to read about the war stories of other Tsinoys on the dating/relationship front.

Me, I'd call myself a gaisiao/kai siao veteran. Have had so many "eligible" males paraded in front of me by well-meaning relatives, but sadly most of them bored me to tears because the only thing most of them could talk about was their seng di. I realize that it's as good an ice breaker as any, but still, spending an entire hour talking about nothing but that? Ouch.

I don't know if it's because the older generation's values are different, but it seems to me that for them, just the fact that a guy has his own family business already makes him a good match. No points given for compatibility in terms of interests, personality, education etc. Thatnk God we're way past the days of forced arranged marriages, otherwise I'd probably be in incompatible marriage hell by now.

Also, I've found that if the kai siao was done by a family member (as opposed to an introduction that was done via a friend), there seems to be more pressure on you to "accept" the guy/girl being gaisiaoed? Has anybody else experienced this?

[chicafabulosa]

Pressure is a lot more on someoine introduced by family.. Since they believe na nakataya na ang name ng entire clan if di ihohonor ang kai siao

[irian]

Oh well. My mom's been asking for kai siaos from friends and family left and right because she feels I'm kao he already. But she's also found that less and less people are willing to initiate a kai siao (as compared to her time). Probably because what with today's young Tsinoys being more likely to buck convention in favor of true compatibility. They're afraid that if something goes wrong with the kai siao, or if it progresses into a relationship/marriage and something goes wrong afterwards, they might get the blame for being the one who made the introduction in the first place.

[chicafabulosa]

I see.. Well in our circle kai siao is very evident pa rin.. Buti na lang compatible naman lahat

[irian]

Good for you then. May I volunteer myself for kai siao? Haha. Sigh. The will is there, but all duds for me so far. I had one where the guy's aunt was more interested in me than the guy himself. She kept asking after me to my auntie afterwards. Then the one guy I thought I might actually get along with, di naman ako pumasa sa mom and sis niya. That was one nerve wracking kai siao though. I thought these days kai siaos were just the guy and the girl meeting up somewhere? When I got to the coffee shop, the guy's mom, sis, aunt and uncle were all there. And I, on the other hand, was all by my lonesome. :p I wonder how we even managed to get a decent conversation done with all those onlookers, but somehow we did.

[chicafabulosa]

Tell me what are looking for? Maybe I have a peng you na could match your qualifications

[cindylulu]

Our friends eventually met their spouses thru kai siao. my hubby and I were the same too. Lucky me twa ai talaga si kan chiu. Traditions, beliefs and customs are every bit part and parcel of both our families. Nevertheless, our lifestyle as a couple is already a modern one. having studied and graduated at UP (hs, college, masters) greatly influenced me. When I was younger, there were times I rebelled against the family norm. actually, my hubby and I were touted as non-conformists. even our courtship and wedding went against tradition (no ting hun and no wearing of ang siak pls, but more ang pao lang pls hehe).

[irian]

LOL. Sis chicafabulosa, will PM you later tonight. Can't seem to find the PM button in the mobile version of FN.

Meanwhile, I think that this blog gives some interesting commentary on the dynamic of [textspeak!]-Chi family and dating.
http://namelessintaipei.wordpress.com

Ummm, we *are* allowed to post non-promotional links here in FN right?

[chicafabulosa]

I just have one in mind now.. Will let him know tonight

[little_princess]

Irian, if you are within my age range or a bit older, i have lots of single male friends hahaha let me know what are you looking for.

[cynthric08]

I have read the part 1 of this thread and i am amazed by many stories of [textspeak!]-chi relationships.I thought of sharing my story also to enlighten some who is into this situation.

Year 2008 I recently left my job so a friend of mine invited me to go with her for a job interview sabi nya magdala na rin ako ng resume since sasama naman ako why not mag-aply na rin ako,I was hesitant kasi hindi naman ako interested sa job but still sinamahan ko nalang yung friend ko at nag-pa interview na rin. Then i dont know what happened pero ako ang nakuha for the job hindi yung friend ko so sa isip ko [textspeak!] na lang try ko na rin. My final interview was conducted by the owner then that was the first time i met my boyfriend. Yes he is pure chinese, comes from a well-off family. I am a filipina though may mix japanese, I can't say naman na mahirap or mayaman kami but my parents can provide, may sarili din business kahit papanu but we are nothing compared to my bf's family. I worked with him for almost 3 mos. then we started to date then the you-and-me-against-the world started. We experienced the secret thingy yung patago lahat, may patakas-takas pa nalalaman si bf para lang makita ako ...meh ganun na drama  and a lot of things happened hanggang sa pinapunta sya sa ibang lugar para lang magkalayo kami but still we continued the relationship kahit long distance. Since wala naman siyang kalayaan to see me so we decided na ako nalang mag-effort to visit him, imagine not seeing each other for almost a year sobrang hirap. Minsan kung kaya naman after 3-4 mos. i do visit to see him. When we are together nothing seems to be wrong, we get along so much and we are happy together. IN our 4th yr. we almost got married secretly but sadly the bf got scared and asked for a little time kasi gusto niya ng magiging maganda yung wedding namin. That time parang gumuho yung mundo ko, i was deeply hurt I almost want to give up but he asked and pleaded for time. I said ok i'll wait kung kelan ready na talaga sya...so the relationship continues. ( i know a lot of people said i'm just being stupid ).

We have gone through a lot for almost 6yrs together. This kind of relationship is never easy, I didn't imagine my first love, my first relationship would turn out this way. He's my first and I wanted him to be my last but only God knows what's the best for us. We are now in the stage of getting tired and trying to hold on if there is still a reason to hold on. People around me kept on telling me it's a hopeless case. I don't want to give up now as long the love is still there, sabi ko nalang sa sarili ko since pinasok ko to dapat panindigan ko na kahit wala akong kasiguradohan. And if one of us would give up then atleast i have no regrets because i tried the best i could for the sake of this love. As of now i really have no idea what will happen next it might be a sad or happy ending. I really had no expectations anymore. ( I will go back to this thread to share my ending, i promise ).

My advice for those na nasa early stage pa of dating/courtship kung kaya nyo pigilan ang sarili nyo then it's better not to push thru especially kung wala ka talagang guts, but if you are the risk-taker kind of person then go for it. I was once a risk-taker that's why i got myself into this but i realized no matter how strong person you are there will always be a weakness. It's the first time in my life i felt so vulnerable and weak and only prayers kept me moving on. For those naman na nasa relationship na and been together for a period of time then just stay strong and keep the love alive if you know it's still worth it.

Always have faith in love

[chicafabulosa]

I will be brutally honest with you ha, no way na mababago mo ang isip ng mother nya. Yun na yun. You two are raised in different culture. Traditional chinese family are very strict when it comes to relationship. See sa arguments nyo pa lang minsan lumalabas na ang differences ng cultures nyo. Now its all up to you kung gusto mo ituloy or what. Kasimkung itutuloy mo talaga isa lang masasabi ko, ididisown yang bf mo and ang question is kaya ba nya igive up ang lahat lahat para sayo? And on your part, kaya mo ba a forever na lang kayo nagtatalo because of culture differences? You know how to speak chinese but that doesnt change the fact na pure filipina ka pa rin which is ayaw ng mommy nya. Ikaw na nagsabi mayaman sila, for sure gagawin ang lahat ng parents nya na maghiwalay kayo. Iba lalo magisip ang traditional rich chinese family sis. Trust me..

So good luck and think about it

[cindylulu]

@nikkag07, you're not my nephew's girlfriend, are you? hehe joke lang. my nephew is a dentistry student too and he has the same dilemma as yours. his first ever girlfriend is a pure pinay. and not only that, the girl is 2 years his senior. see the gist here? tiya lang ako but I know his story. Kasi it's a family thing, where everybody in the family makes pakialam. kahit let's say phase lang to and the relationship is not really serious, still, it's imperative to get the approval of the family. I feel you sis but so sorry this is how it goes with Chinese families e. enjoy na lang his company while it lasts (so sorry I know masakit to pakinggan).

[babyboo.0326]

^bigla akong naka-relate sa "everybody in the family makes pakialam"  i guess ganyan talaga sa family whether it's a pure chinese family or half chinese. my dad's side of the family, they are half chinese which makes me just 25% chinese. pero, yeah, the pakikialam thing of the elderly, it's still there. they always have a say about this and that. i had chinese exes din naman before, but i guess hindi lang talaga kami nagja-jive e. buti nalang we never experienced being kaisiaoed ever! hahaha! rebelde pa naman ako  my dad btw married my mom who is a pure ilongga, so i don't think following the traditional chinese tradition in relationships is evident in our family.

[nikkag07]

@chikafabulosa. alam mo sis i've been asking those question lately nga if matatanggap ba talaga ako ng family nya if natuto ako magchinese. i ask him as well, and sabi nya may "possibilty kasi nakita nila yun effort mo na gusto mo talaga maging chinese." i love being a filipina. and i don't think mawawala sakin ang values ng being a filipino. i'm still hoping mawork-out namen yun differences namen. open-minded naman ako but sometimes i feel i'm losing myself. natatakot ako one day gumising ako hindi ko na kilala sarili ko kasi sobrang pagbabago. then wala naman pala pupuntahan lahat ng effort. but still i'm taking the risk.

[nikkag07]

@cindylulu! hi sis! haha tnx sa advice. i'm don't think i'm your nephew's gf. and besides i'm his first girlfriend so malabong ako talaga yun. yeah i know its a family thing, kahit nga mga professors na ninang at kumare ng mama  nya sa school namen nakikialam. kaya super iwas na lang ako sa pagpili ng section wag ko lang sila maging prof. hayyy. only guy na anak pa naman siya. pero honestly, feeling ko mas nagpastrong samin yun problem. mas naging eager kami ipaglaban and believe na kami talaga para sa isa't-isa. siguro nga, enjoy na lang while it last.

[molybdenumstudios]

^good luck with that!

[chicafabulosa]

Sis kahit mamemorize mo ang traditions ng chinese di pa rin mababago ang isip ng mommy nya. Di pa rin nun mababago ang fact na pure pinay ka pa rin. kahit matuto ka ba ng cantonese, mandarin at fookien, pinay pa rin ikaw. Like what we are telling you, good luck sis!


 Tingin mo ba ano ang kaya igive up ng bf mo now for the sake of your relationship? Kaya ma ba idisown sya? Kasi for sure kahit na piliin ka nya ending nyan kagaya sa friend ko na idinisown. Even mag apply sa mga companies, may contact ang parents nya di sya pinapahire talaga kaya ang ending nya is call center sya. Minsan nakausap ko sya, aminado sya na hirap na hirap sya. Di sya sanay sa ganung buhay lalo na buntis yung girl. Minsan nga nasabi nya siguro kung chinese lang si girl malamang parents pa nya ang gagastos for everything sa first apo nya. This friend ko unico hijo pero accdg to him sa last will and testament yung share nya nakatransfer na daw sa charity and sa younger sis nya.

[molybdenumstudios]

^ Glad to hear that from you.

Anyways, if I were only to have a Chinese BF, sana independent type na guy. I don't like 'yung tipong submissive masyado sa family tapos mama's boy ang ugali.