I have a problem with my mom, recently she and my husband had a really huge and heated argument… the issues stem from long way back, but was was triggered by my mother’s too much meddling… please bear with me as I try to narrate my story
My husband and I started dating when I was still studying… already post grad actually… anyway, back then my mother was still supporting me financially… All my life, my mother had a say in everything I do, controlling almost all aspect of my life, even with my choice of job after I graduated from college.. and this affected me a lot because I felt I had no control over my life for she was making and calling all the shots and I obeyed like a robot.
When I was in my 2nd year of post grad studies, I got pregnant,… my husband back then who was my boyfriend was excited about the baby but he knew how stressed I was because he knew that my mother was very strict and controlling and yet we decided to tell her the truth… we thought she accepted it.. we were even crying on the phone, she was abroad at that time… she told me that I needed to join her so I did... not knowing that her intention was to force me to have my baby aborted… till now I have not forgiven myself for allowing her to control me and force me to undergo through something that will scar me for the rest of my life. After I lost my baby, I was never myself again…she did not even considered taking me to counseling when she saw how depressed I was… all day after that I stayed in my room … I did not even want to leave the house… when she saw my state, instead of regretting what she made me do, she wanted me to end my relationship with my boyfriend… and when I refused, she beat me. I wanted to jump out the window and end my life back then… but I tried to be strong and wanted to come back to Manila and be away from her. My mother accused me of so many hurtful things while she was beating me up… all this occurred after I lost my baby.
When I told my husband that I lost the baby, he was heartbroken and I knew somehow he blamed my mother but he did not admit it… what I never told him was how I lost our baby… he thinks I lost the baby because my mom drove us back and forth cross country kaya natagtag ako. Until now he doesn’t know the truth because even I still cannot bring myself to forgive myself for being so weak and allowing my mother to threaten me and take my baby’s life. It pains me to reminisce it all. Not .once has my mother been sorry for forcing me undergo through it.
Anyway, I was still able to come back to the Philippines and finish my post grad studies… I never stopped seeing my boyfriend … I kept it from her… we had plans of settling down after I graduate. Eventually I admitted that he and I are still very much together… and we thought she was ok with it already because my boyfriend did everything he can so she will accept him. We were already able to go out legally and he could visit me at home
After I finished my postgrad, she was again forcing me to join her abroad but I was making all excuses so I would not go because I was really miserable when I am with her… and this angered her…. Unfortunately also at that time, my brother in law overheard my mother telling a relative of mine of all her plans daw for me, even wanting me to marry a foreigner. My husband found eventually found out about it and was very hurt… he started doubting if our relationship would ever work because my mother tried to control my life too much… and that if we ended up together, he would have a hellish life with her as a mother-in-law. He admitted it was what triggered him at the time to go astray because he felt I did not have the nerve or guts to fight for him … I posted the story in a different thread around 2009
Anyway he ended up playing around and had a one night stand which unfortunately resulted in a child. It broke my heart when I found out, I thought I was being punished for every wrong thing I did and most especially for losing our child and now he was having a baby with someone else whom he barely knows….I almost gave up and wanted to end my life and end our relationship… God knows I have drank a lot of sleeping pills at that time to numb myself.… I was in so much pain…. but when he thought he was going to lose me when I left their house (we were already living together )…. He went frantic when I was not answering his calls …. He realized he wanted me in his life and thus he still chose me he said he could not get me out of his system and could not imagine his life without me in it.
Eventually he and I got married in a civil ceremony without my mother’s knowledge… and of course you can just imagine how furious she was when we told her after a month of what we did… she was so angry and said a lot of hurtful words you cannot even stomach… but I never answered back, I just allowed her to vent out all her anger… despite all repeated calls of shouting and banging the phone, I kept answering it only for her to end up hanging up on me after all her cursing and repeated accusations on how ungrateful I was and that she was disowning me. Yet I listened and never retaliated. I prayed that she will eventually come to accept us.
When I gave birth to my first child, she and her new boyfriend came to the Philippines and attended my child’s christening… we tried to make their visit as pleasant as we could... we accommodated them the best way we could… my husband even became their chauffer… they were also very fond of my son. Despite seeming ok from outside opinion, I knew there was still tension at home for my mother still has not fully accepted my marriage. During the christening I heard her saying to people and even my friends, how disappointed she is that I got married so soon when she still had plans for me… and that I should not have gotten married yet… FYI I was already 30 when I got married… my husband also overheard my mother say it to other people but he said nothing and did not complain.
After they went back abroad, we still continued communicating with them, sending them updated pictures of the baby and all. Then I got pregnant again with our second child, my mother seemed ok with it. Eventually she and her boyfriend planned to marry abroad, and she wanted my family to be there and my son to be their ring bearer… so I resigned from work just so we could join them on their wedding day and show our support … My husband and I and our two kids travelled and I sacrificed my job for her just to make her happy because my job would not take me a leave of absence, but I did it for her. And yet we kept hearing all her side comments to people on how I should not have gotten married. My husband even met the mother of the guy my mother was planning on arranging me with, still my husband was patient and understanding.
About a couple of months ago, my mother and her new husband came to visit the Philippines again and again stayed with us. Again like before, my husband drove them to places they needed to go to… and still my husband kept hearing my mother make snide comments on how I should not have gotten married, and she has still plans for me… she wanted us to migrate abroad and join them… she wanted me to find a job so I can petition my husband and kids. My husband kept silent despite hearing on how my mother never seem to stop saying that I should not have gotten married. We have postponed my 2nd baby’s christening because my mother said to wait for them to come home… my baby has already turned 11 mos old … and when we asked her when would be the convenient time for her for us to have the christening because she was always busy kaya kami ang magaadjust… to this she replied “hindi naman uso ang binyag abroad”… of course this hurt me and my husband… and yet we tolerated her.
My step father left for an earlier flight so my mother was left here by herself while she settle some personal stuff.
Anyway, my husband could not take it anymore was when my mom would not stop meddling with issues at home especially with our household helpers… she paid one of our helper without telling us, hence even when I have already requested the helpers not to involve my mother with their trivial issues because she has the tendency to see things in exaggeration, the helper did not listen for her loyalty was now with my mother… and I specifically requested them that whatever issues they may think my husband and I have should not reach my mother because I know she cannot wait for the opportunity to see something negative about my husband. I was frank with the helper that my mother even when I have already 2 kids she wanted me to separate from my husband and that she has no idea what trouble her gossiping could bring to my family… my mother even told me “ang babae kahit sampu pa ang anak kung kailangan iwanan ang lalake, iwanan”… I do not understand her motive for saying that when she has never seen me and my husband argue since they visited us…. And frankly we have not argued about anything big for a long time. My mother is in fact upset when we told her that I am again pregnant with my third baby …. Again her plans are destroyed because she was planning on taking me with her when she leaves.
Anyway among all the other issues with the helpers... my husband and I decided to let the helper leave when she volunteered to go since she cannot get along with the 2 other helpers. My mother was so adamant in letting her stay when I have already told her that if the helper is no longer happy at home I will not force her to stay. But my mother was very persistent … sobrang nakialam sa desisyon namin magasawa kaya ang laki ng ulo nung helper.
Anyway, my husband and my mom came to a point na nagkasagutan na at nagkalabasan ng sama ng loob mga lumang issues naungkat… after the argument, my husband and I decided to take the kids to my in-laws and stay with them for the mean time. We decided that we’ll just leave the house temporarily so we can think clearly and contemplate on what happened, rather than tell my mother to leave our home.
We have not yet returned to our house because my mother hasn’t left yet. Sadly my mother has been doing humiliating things to destroy our reputation in our village… some of which are already to embarrassing to mention here. They have been spreading nasty rumors about my husband. She even accompanied the maid to the police to file a complaint that she was physically hurt by my husband. When we left the house in the middle of the night, the maid even rode in the car with us since there was no more transportation out of the village during that time, we dropped her at a very well lit market place near her home with a lot of people and tricycle she can take. It was also near the police station, she knew we were heading to my in-laws’ house, if she was hurt she could have gone straight to the police and lead them to the house to have my husband arrested… but instead she met with my mother the following morning to plan on destroying my husband. My mom is willing to pay people to lie to destroy my husband. She is so mad na sinagotsagot sha ng husband ko, na kung tutuusin kung sa akin din gawin ng in-laws ko ay malamang ganun din gagawin ko.
I have not talked to my mother since we left our house… frankly I do not know paano kami magaayos, for I know my mother … she is too proud and would never admit her mistakes… she must always be right and must win all arguments.. Now she cannot stop enumerating all her hardships and sacrifices for me and that I am very ungrateful… I can never be happy in my life for I am not making her happy, she is making me responsible for her happiness and disappointments. She wants me to pay back all the money spent for my education and kulang pa daw yun tapos iba lang ang makikinabang sa pinaghirapan nya. When in fact she took my baby’s life, not even all the money in the world she can give me can ever be enough to bring my baby back to life, for I can never be healed knowing I was partly responsible for being weak and afraid of my mother. And all her anger is all about what? She thinks I can do better, can find a richer husband… its all about money issues… I feel physically, and emotionally drained from all the stress she is causing me and I am pregnant. She sees me as an investment… na kailangan ko ibigay ang buhay na hindi naibigay ng parents nya at ng dad ko.
I feel so ashamed that my mother is capable of doing the things she is doing… because nalalaman ng in-laws ko… buti na lang I have not heard them speak ill against me despite what my mom has done to their son.
Sorry for the tedious post… I just need to let it out of my system and ask for advice… I wish there is a family counselor I can talk to regarding parent issues which is similar to retrovaille… I really think my mother needs outside intervention for not even the elders in our family can do anything… sasabihin lang nila kami ang umintindi…. Hindi na kasi pwedeng ganun, she needs to change if she wants to fix our family… the older people cannot keep using the excuse na sila ang matanda at sila lang ang tama. I want my children to grow up and learn to be humble and admit if they make a mistake, I want them to see that even their parents are capable of apologizing and admitting mistakes if we have to. Hindi yung.. “ako ang magulang wag mo kequestionin” mentality because nobody is perfect.
