Single and separated moms, will you let your child know her dad?

[jjqxiv]

I'll just borrow this thread topic to Smart Parenting site because I got curious. I'm not a single mom, but my husband and I separated almost 2 months ago during my pregnancy.

Yung plan ko talaga, I will let my baby to know his/her father, of course kaparatan yun ni hubby. Then later on, I will explain to our baby what happened to us. Hindi rin naman kasi maiiwasan na magkakilala sila because we have older kids. Pero there's still a part of me thinking na with everything he did, hahayaan ko pa din ba na makilala niya yung anak ko? And by the way, I'm not asking for his support to my children, kung gusto nya magbigay, then go, I won't stop him.


This is just a random thought, mommies. But kayo, what will you do?

[TowBerryBlue]

I won't. Sana kung nakikitaan ko ng kusa pero wala eh.

I am enough for my son. I am capable of raising him alone. Yun lagi sinasabi ko sa sarili ko.

[17arci]

If my child wants to and the dad wants to, then why not?

[slickchick]

when I was still pregnant, I told myself never, never ever ko ipapakita or ipapakilala son ko to his dad. but as he was growing up, I realized that my son needs to know who is his dad (kahit man lang sa picture as his dad and I lost communication since I was 6 months pregnant). this will allow him (my son) to have some sense of identity and origin. para naman hindi rin nya isipin na baka kung sinu-sinong lalake lang ako sumama, kaya wala akong maipakilalang dad nya. fortunately, now that he's 6 years old, and i ask him if he wants to meet his dad, siya na yung umaayaw. his reason? hindi naman daw nagpapakita yung dad nya since baby sya, why should he (my son) meet him... 

[aquacharly]

Do it/allow it.

1st, as you said:  he has the right.

2nd, not  because he's a failure as a husband, he is automatically a failure as a father.
As long as his presence in the children's lives is not disruptive or harmful, he should be a part of their lives --  as much as he can manage.

3rd,  hindi como you will not require financial support eh he cannot demand time with his kids.
Hwag kang ganon, you are not - so don't act like you are --  mukhang pera.

4th,  You will be able to really move on faster if you will not tie yourself to your ex/estranged hubby through vindictiveness, selfishness, and being inconsiderate/mean/bitchy.  Keep in mind -- he is the one with the flawed character, not you --  so do not manifest negative traits just to get some  semblance of revenge.  After all, the best revenge is living well/better.

[slickchick]

^ very well said sis aquacharly. i especially like the 4th item, and that is very true. 

[nessy]

I do not have a child yet, but my sister bore a child out of wedlock. At first, ayaw niya. Isip niya siguro kasi, kaya niya di ba? So, okay life goes on.....

Pero dadating ang time na magtatanong yan, in my sister's case, as early as 3 nagtanong na ang pamangkin ko. So, siyempre, sasabihin mo naman ang totoo. Kasi ang pamangkin ko, ang mindset na niya noon ang Dad niya is ang Dad namin.

More than a year ago (my pamagkin is 7 that time), sinabi/pinakilala na rin ng sister ko ang father. So, there. Nagkaroon ng closure at nabuo ang pagkatao ng pamangkin ko. Mahirap kasi sis ang hindi ipakilala ang tatay. After all, tatay pa rin yan, that, no one can change .

[reese**]

my soon to be ex husband is Lucifer in disguise (thats how evil he was to me when we were still together) but I do not cut his ties with my 2 kids. I dont mention him to them in any way - like NEVER. BUT,  if he visits them and wants to be part of their lives, i allow it. kasi he is still the father and yes, for my kids to know na they have a father. but im sure sa panahon nowadays smart na ang mga kids, if they dont see the dad, they will eventually be uninterested and wont care. i guess what matters is they know that they have a dad.

[alexsy]

kung ako, wag na. sayang lang ang time.

[cindylulu]

my sis-in-law separated from her hubby when the child was 3 years old. Pinagbawalan ng in laws ko not to ever contact the dad. To the point na totally pinabago ang pangalan ng bata. Ngayon the child is already 17. and unknown to us all, hinanap nya pala yung dad nya and nagkita nga sila thru fb. in time the child told the mom and the uncles and aunts, except the grandparents. thinking kasi ng bata na sadya siyang nilayo ng lolo't lola nya which is true naman.

when your child grows up sis hahanapin pa rin nya tatay nya. expect ka na maraming tanong. One thing lang, and I learned this from our little family drama, wag ka magsabi ng masama about the dad para hindi subjective ang bata sa tatay nya. kala kasi ng nephew ko it's his fault na nag separate parents nya. This means may psychological impact talaga sa bata ang separation, no matter how young they were when a parent left them behind. what happened between you and the dad, wala na ang bata dun. let your son bond with his dad in time. My nephew thinks he is whole already after this episode.

[dainejen]

paano nyo sinagot nung tinanong ng bata kung sino at nasaan yung father nya? kung bakit sya iniwan?
 
sa school minsan may activities na mababanggit yung tatay nila lalo na pag pre school ano sinasagot nila. minsan din may ibang bata na pag nalaman na wala kang tatay nanunukso sila.

nakakatakot yung situation na ito

[yssayjayla]

Ako, I'd rather not. Di ba, bakit ako pa mage-effort? Kung mahal nya anak nya sya na dapat maka-isip na makita anak nya.

If tinanong kung nasan, sasabihin ko totoo.

Parang ang dali no? :-)

[amethyst028]

im in the same situation right now.

everytime my ex would contact me nagagalit pa rin ako sa kanya. naalala ko lahat ng kasamaan niya towards me. but i don't hate him because of that. i hate him for being an irresponsible father. when we broke up i told him he can still be a dad and he can borrow our son during weekends. ayaw niya kung hindi daw magiging kame wag na daw. ok fine.

fast forward 4yrs later, out of the blue he emails me, text, message sa viber regarding seeing his son. uuwi daw siya for a vacation kaya gusto niya makita yung bata. haler mawawala siya ng matagal tapos bigla magpaparamdam. ano ba dapat gawin sa ganito? kung kayo ba porket gusto nya papayag na kayo?

i didn't let him see his son. sabi niya ayaw niya dati. for me kasi dapat dati pa hindi niya na pinutol relationship nila. ayaw din siya makita ng bata. maybe one day hahanapin siya ng anak ko. hintayin niya na lang siguro dumati yun.

paano nyo sinagot nung tinanong ng bata kung sino at nasaan yung father nya? kung bakit sya iniwan?
 
sa school minsan may activities na mababanggit yung tatay nila lalo na pag pre school ano sinasagot nila. minsan din may ibang bata na pag nalaman na wala kang tatay nanunukso sila.

nakakatakot yung situation na ito.

ako eversince tinuruan ko na anak ko na pag may nagtanong asan dad nya sabihin niya nasa abroad. common naman na yun ngayon e. yung ibang families nasa abroad yung tatay diba? so yun ang press release namin. later on nagka totoo naman nag aborad na nga dad niya so hindi na siya lie.

never naman natukso anak ko tungkol dun. and tinuturo na sa school ang anti bullying kaya bawal na manukso ng classmates. sa school ng anak ko bawal sabihin yung mataba, bakla, etc.

[nixiquita]

Hindi ako pinakilala, but its all fine. Id rather have it this way. Less stress, less hassle. Kesa mawitness malaman ko pa lahat ng back stories, nah, im good with just my mom. Dami ko naman extended family.

Never felt unloved or incomplete. Haha

[slickchick]

^ good for you sis. i wish my son would have the same mindset as yours when he grows up. at least you appreciate your mom's effort, as well as the affection shown to you by your extended family. i wish my son would also do/think the same way when he grows up. 

[nixiquita]

as long as a kid is showered with enough or abundant love and affection.. i dont think any child would ever feel like something's missing in their life. theyd just be happy and contented.. and appreciative of life in general godbless

[agape]

If it's beneficial to the child (financially, emotionally, morally) then I would allow the father and child to have family time. Basta meron child support, no black mails, and walang kabit yung father. Ayoko kasi na mangyari later on na kung malakas influence ng dad, e mom na ang nakiki-agaw ng attention.

[Girltalker2]

^naku, sakin lahat baksak ang criteria mo sis.

My ex does not support his children, maraming kabit, walang isang salita.  Yes, they have contact. Pero tuwing nairinig ko nalang dadating daw sa birthday nung isa, eh lagi naman napapako.

The problem are you willing to see your children "hopeful" sa isang taong mambobola. Nabola ka na before as the wife, gusto mo rin ba makita the same disappointment maranasan ng mga anak mo?

How to handle such situations?  Parang di ko maiwasan but siraan nalang sya --- like, alam mo naman father nyo, laging hindi mo alam kung totoo sinasabi.   

Pero totoo naman eh.. Alangan naman sabihin ko paniwalaan nyo tapos di naman magkakatotoo.  Chances na totoo ang sinasabi nya siguro 1% lang. 

[amethyst028]

^exactly sis. yan nga yung main reason why ayaw ko na makipag communicate pa anak ko sa father niya. baka kasi puro broken promises masaktan lang anak ko. siyempre kung may nakaka kilala sa mga ama ng anak natin tayo yun. considering their track record alam na alam na natin ang ugali nila.

what if sabihin ni ex na nagbago na siya? na responsible na siya ngayon? are you willing to take the risk?

ako kasi wala nako tiwala and kahit pa anong pangako sabihin niya it will fall on deaf ears.

[amethyst028]

para sakin kung ang issue ay between me and the father but he is a responsible and good dad naman syempre ipapakita ko yung bata sa ama niya. i will let them have a relationship pero kung hindi siya mabuting ama wag na.