How to Prevent Hubby/Partner/BF from Straying

[ReservoirDogs]

^

Sis GirlTaker 2, are you dating a Pinoy or foreigner?  I remember that you posted before that most Pinoy men are cheaters so I'm wondering if foreigner ang bf mo now. 

If you're dating a foreigner,  I think it's normal for them to go out with friends of the opposite sex na dalawa lang sila. My close friend had 3 foreigner bfs na and parang normal sa kanila yung ganun.  Mas may malisya kasi sa ating mga Pinoy.

If it's just one harmless dinner lang, then it's better to let it go since he said he won't do it again.  Benefit of the doubt muna since mukhang wala namang malisya sa kanya.  You already set your boundaries that you're already uncomfortable with it, so it's up to him if he wants to respect it or not.   Also why not try to meet that neighbor too?

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, you remembered ha!  yes, he is not pinoy.

I don't think it is a good idea to meet the neighbor because I hate her kahit hindi ko pa sya nakikita for what she has done.

Sabi naman nya he does not think he will meet her again anyway.  Sabi ko lang you will never know. I bet next week same time same place andun sya.

[gab54]

That explains it, foreigner pala si BF so I guess iba ang ugali nila sa atin.
If I were u, hahayaan ko naito since nangyari na eh. Tutal once lang naman at nangako naman siya na hindi na mauulit so Ok na ako. Then, I will tell him na next time if he wants to meet with his friends, isama niya ako para makilala ko rin mga friends niya

[ReservoirDogs]

@GirlTalker2 Hehe, I have a good memory for details (which my hubby hates, lol).

LDR ba kayo sis?  Mas nakakaparanoid if you're in an LDR right now.

Anyway, mga non-Pinoys, it's more normal for them to hang out with girls and guys kahit dalawa lang. Pero mas madali kausapin mga non-Pinoys, IMO lang. Kapag sinabi mo yung ayaw mo, they'd either accept it or not. So the fact that he said he won't do it again, for your peace of mind, trust him. It's hard to trust someone after what you've gone through, but not all guys are and will be like your ex-husband.  Advantage na foreigner ang bf mo kasi kung ayaw na nila, they'd be straightforward instead of playing games with you.

[quinone]

But is it ok to have lunch/dinner na kayong 2 lang?  In your case, babae tayo, with a guy officemate na 2 lang kayo?  I used to think ok lang. Pero does it not open avenues of familiarization, and later on baka magka develop-an?  Exagg naman kung ganyan lagi ang iniisip?

As for guy friends for wives and girl na friends for hubbies, ok lang magkaron ng friends as a group. Pero kung 2 lang kayo, opposite genders, at hayaan mo ngayon, I am sure mauulit at mauulit yun, does it not put the relationship at risk? 

Pero kung laging hindi naman puede, hindi ba nakakasakal din?

may few close college friends akong male. sa tagal ko silang kaibigan kahit minsan hindi nagiba tingin ko sa kanila, ni minsan hindi ako na-attract sa kanila. minsan dalawa lang kami nanonood ng sine o kumakain sa labas, basta sinasabi ko lang sa hubby ko sino kasama ko, ganun lang. halimbawa nung huli ako lumabas 2pm-8pm ganun, at k.k.b.

basta i think the trick is magkwento pag-uwi. i tell my hubby everything after i get home. pero kung uusisain niya ako bago umalis like saan exactly pupunta at anong oras uuwi, ay naku maiinis ako!

si hubby ko rin may bestfriend na babae pero normally nagpupunta siya dito sa bahay namin e, hindi sila lumalabas. basta gusto feel at home siya kasi elementary pa lang friends na sila.

[glamorosa_09]

I don't know lang mga sis ha, about cheating being being rampant to a certain nationality, may epekto of course ang cultural differences, pero hindi lang yun yung variables. Sabi nga ng isang infidelity therapist, whether a person will cheat or not depend on the complex interweaving of his/her values, opportunity (situation where infidelity may likely occur), principles, unresolved life issues, etc.

From time to time I read the forum survingvinginfidelity.com, and I'm not sure about their nationalities. Pwede na ngang gumawa ng cheater's handbook, dahil parepareho lang ng patterns, mapa-pinoy or non-pinoy.

But is it ok to have lunch/dinner na kayong 2 lang?  In your case, babae tayo, with a guy officemate na 2 lang kayo?  I used to think ok lang. Pero does it not open avenues of familiarization, and later on baka magka develop-an?  Exagg naman kung ganyan lagi ang iniisip?

As for guy friends for wives and girl na friends for hubbies, ok lang magkaron ng friends as a group. Pero kung 2 lang kayo, opposite genders, at hayaan mo ngayon, I am sure mauulit at mauulit yun, does it not put the relationship at risk? 

Pero kung laging hindi naman puede, hindi ba nakakasakal din? 

Sa tingin ko depende ito sa couple, sa klase ng boundaries na gagawin nila, sa boundaries na pareho silang nakakahinga. Iba iba rin naman tayo ng nature of jobs and environment. Ang importante they know the limit and are fully aware not to step into that slippery slope of affair, because it's just right there.

And importante alam na nila yung mga possibilities sa mga ganyan (kung sasabihan yung partner), and nasa kanila na yun if they will further the relationship to intimacy knowing where it may lead them. In the end, nasa kanila pa rin talaga.

In your case sis, like what other sisses said, once pa lang naman. Be alarmed kapag palagian na or meron nang kakaiba sa kanya. Kung hindi naman ganun, maybe you can try to be relaxed. And like what sis reservoirdogs said, given what happened to your past, andun yung paranoia and fear. But yes, not all guys are and will be like your ex-husband.

[glamorosa_09]

Some emotional affairs nowadays begin from innocent and platonic friendships. So in addition to the tips above, here are my suggestions:

1. Talk to your husband about creating boundaries around his friendships with the opposite sex.

HOW?

 - Avoid receiving and giving counsels on relationship and personal problems. Some things are best discussed with you (the wife) and not with a friend of the opposite sex.

 - Avoid enjoying, experiencing and spending time together on the same interests and hobbies with a friend of the opposite sex.

 - Avoid making his friend his best friend, because you (the wife) should be his only best (girl) friend. One cannot give an equal loyalty to both people.

WHY?

Because these things when repeated several times with only one person, may lead to emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy, when unchecked, may lead to an emotional affair. Remember, in marriage, we vowed for both physical and emotional exclusivity with our partners.

And as they say, precautions are better than cure. And just like a drug, I won't take a single taste of it for the fear of getting addicted.

sorry if I generalized too much here. But the main cue here is "emotional intimacy." Two people may work together always, but they can put their relationship into "professional level" or "social level" only and avoid going further to "emotional level."

What I mean by "emotional intimacy/level" or "best friend" is getting your emotional needs/comfort from the other person that should have been coming from the spouse. And yung tipong mas you can openly communicate yourself openly to other person kesa sa partner nyo, or yung you enjoy more the company of the other party than your partner's, etc.

[ms.southbound]

I try to be both wife and mistress. Both men and woman are meant to please. Why not do both so that he would not look elsewhere. We have been together for 3 years and it has been working for us. And also HAVE FUN. grow together and be there for each other. 

[lovely_carrot]

in my opinion, you can't prevent your husband (or wife) from straying. nasa tao na yan. kasi kahit ilang years nang married ang ilan, nagagawa pa din magloko. pero kung talagang ayaw ng lalaki na gawin yun because he loves and respects his wife and honors their marriage, kahit anong hubad ng ibang eba, walang epek. ako, i just trust my partner that he won't do it and i do everything in my power not to entertain other men as well. golden rule pa din e, don't do to others what you don't want others to do unto you.

ang tanong, ilan na lang kaya ang mga lalaking faithful to the bone ngayon? at bakit hindi sila dumadami?

[Red Rack 21]

i don't care about the do's and dont's ..what i know is one should choose a partner whom you share similar values in life. someone who is family oriented...someone who respect women and held in high regard.

[glamorosa_09]

You know why infidelity is such a traumatic event in one's life? Because infidelity shatters all your beliefs in life- your belief in your partner, in your marriage, in love, in justice, in trust and in the world itself. Infidelity shocks most women to the bone.

You ask questions, "How could my best friend betray me?" "I trusted him so much, how can he do this to our marriage?" "We share similar values in life, how can this happen?"

Our beliefs kasi give order in how we deal with our world, in our relationships. So when you face a traumatic event like this, you say to yourself, "gumuho ang mundo ko." Other women naman declare "all men are cheaters/polygamous" as their defense mechanism, to help them easily cope and make sense of what happened to them.

My point? No matter how strong your beliefs are in your partner or in your marriage, never be complacent, so pray always, spend quality time with  hubby etc. If your husband cheated, at least you did all you can. Even priests experience challenges in dealing with their own temptations. So are our husbands holier than priests?

Oh you might ask, bakit babae lang? If you can be a team with your husband, then that's great. But in the Bible, it was said to Eve (woman), "Your desire will be for your husband" - Gen 3:16. But the best and easiest way to avoid infidelity, stay single and don't marry.

PS I'm referring to husbands na matino, not husbands who are emotionally abusive, narcissistic, playboy etc.

[Girltalker2]

I try to be both wife and mistress. Both men and woman are meant to please. Why not do both so that he would not look elsewhere. We have been together for 3 years and it has been working for us. And also HAVE FUN. grow together and be there for each other.

Good for you sis.  Whenever I see messages like this, all positive ang disposition etc... I just thought to myself what went wrong.  I saw this in me and in the women in the early part of their marriages. Lahat naman positive thoughts, at never sumagi sa isipan nila na lolokohin sila ng mga asawa nila.  Yes, we have heard of infidelity before, but normally sa umpisa ng kasalan, ang mindset lagi ng mga wives to be is - ibahin mo ang asawa ko, hindi nya ako lolokin. 

So because of what happened to me and many women out there, parang ang paniniwala ko talaga na iilan nalang ang marriages na masaya ang dalawang tao sa piling ng isa't isa at mas kokonti din ang loyal na husbands.

Minsan nga may ibang threads dito about getting married etc.  I just try to keep my mouth shut re this topic otherwise lalabas talaga ang bitter past experience ko about men. And ayaw mo magkaron syempre ng negative thoughts ang ikakasal. 

Andsomehow, I have lost faith in marriage, in men in general. Tuwing nakakakita ako ng wife na laging pinagmamalaki ang masayang pagsasama nila ng asawa nila, at the back of my mind, lagi ko nang iniisip na bolang bola siguro sya ng asawa nya or tinatago lang nya ang doubts nya sa hubby nya or dadating din ang araw na magigising sya sa katotohanan. Of course I am not hoping that would happen to all wives, pero it happens a lot and nakakainis isipin on how happy relationships can be destroyed lang by such wreckless acts by the husbands.

Sometimes para iwasan ang infidelity,  tama ka sis glamorosa, huwag ka na magrelasyon.  Minsan madali din sabihin gawin ito at iyan para makaiwas na maloko, pero wala talagang hard and fast rule eh.  Sometimes nasa sa lalaki yun. Sometimes nasa sa babae din ang fault.  Sometimes naman, tadhana? I really do not know na kung paano mo masabi.  All I know is that cheating in marriages are very rampant these days and staying vigilant helps a lot --- even in the happiest of marriages.

[glamorosa_09]

Yeah there is really is no fast and hard rule, no exact formula.

I have no experience with infidelity (and sana wag naman). We're not trying to be pessimistic here, but we just want to be proactive.

Sometimes nasa sa lalaki yun. Sometimes nasa sa babae din ang fault.  Sometimes naman, tadhana? I really do not know na kung paano mo masabi. 

Yes, we cannot control our husband's choices and behaviors, but we can control our attitudes and behaviors. And that for me is being proactive, focusing your energy on things that are within your control.

And I think this thread is about that, suggesting things on what we can do as wives to make our marriage thrive not just survive and to help our spouse not commit a mistake which will possibly make them regret for the rest of their lives.

A marriage/family is a system. Kung anong ginawa ng isa, apektado ang isa and vice versa. So might as well, maganda na yung gawin.


PS I'm referring to husbands na matino, not husbands who are emotionally abusive, narcissistic, playboy etc.

[AngelicFez]

based on my own experience, roleplay is the key.. this way, nakakapagloko si hubby ng hindi naman talaga hehe

at syempre ang pinaka important is compatible talaga kami, we are best friends, pareho ng hobbies & interests, and we love each other so much... we dont want to grow old together kasi we want to live forever young together haha

[lovingsue]

Realistically speaking, just be wise on choosing your life partner kasi before the marriage naman may mga red flags na. Wag ilagay sa fedestal ang partner. follow your instinct kung kelan dapat ifeed ang ego ng husband. I know very tempting pero don't force him to be something he's not. sabi nga ni lucy gomez,  If a woman tries to change a man, the only thing he'll change is the woman he’s with." MEN ARE LITTLE BOYS.  they're low maintenance, but they like to be nurtured. Ayaw na ayaw na ayaw as in ayaw talaga nila ng babae na nag. I know it's hard kasi girl din ako but years of marriage taught me when to zip my mouth. and lastly, don't be like your mother-in law to your husband instead be like your mom in handling your husband. 

[mrsmarilopez]

Do unto him what you want him to do unto you...

[grace0619]

Be nice to him and treat him right.

[Michipot]

Treat him like your bunso.. mas bunso kesa sa bunsong anak nyo

[pretinnes]

Respect him and be proud of him. Ang mga lalaki talaga need nila ng assurance na proud ka sa kanila. And also it helps na compatible kayo and magka wavelength. Ang hirap talaga if wala kayong mapag usapan eh, so I think biggest fActor ang wavelength compAtibility.

[hyeuna03]

i firmly believe na ang mga lalaki number one sa kanila talaga ang looks at sex..

so look good, stay in shape and keep him sexually satisfied.