Letting go

[neraks]

Hi mga sis,share naman tayo ng mga tips kung pano ilet go at mag move on sa infedelity.

Ako personally nahirapan parang multo kasi na bumabalik pero i'm trying to be strong talaga...matagal na yun nangyari pero parang kahapon lang u incident.pinakita naman ng hubby ko lahat na di na siya uulit talaga,its just me na lang ganun ata talaga pag nabasag yung trust sa isang relationship.

[Girltalker2]

for the marriage to work, and letting go of the hurt of infidelity, the 2 of you should make an effort, at dapat mas malaking effort pa nga on his part. kung ikaw lang ng ikaw, hindi ka talaga makaka move on.

in my case, I let him go as well together with the hurt.  kaya very liberating for me kasi alam kong never na maayos, at hindi naman sya ume-effort. 

trust is a very important ingredient in relationships, non-negotiable sya. kelangan andyan ang trust, otherwise, the marriage/relationship can never be a happy one. puedeng happy ang isa (yung hindi pinagkakatiwalaan) pero gulong gulo naman ang isip nung isa (yung nagdududa). and still will always remain this way kung hindi nila ayusin together.  so kung laging status quo, para pa que nagsama kayo sa impyerno. so it is either you BOTH make it work, or just leave.

^ sis I agree with u, parang kahapon lang nangyari everytime you will recall what happened.  nung time ko, everytime na maalala ko, it was very traumatic talaga, para akong namatayan, nang paulit ulit - was an understatement.  so I just had to go and search for my own peace of mind.

[imbisibol_]

pinakita naman ng hubby ko lahat na di na siya uulit talaga,

nobody said love/marriage would be easy ("For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you."  -Gibran).  but if your husband is truly making the effort, you have to meet him halfway.

even the catholic church does not automatically grant annulments based on infidelity.  why?  a big part of our faith is based on the doctrine of forgiveness.

[neraks]

nobody said love/marriage would be easy ("For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you."  -Gibran).  but if your husband is truly making the effort, you have to meet him halfway.

even the catholic church does not automatically grant annulments based on infidelity.  why?  a big part of our faith is based on the doctrine of forgiveness.

Yes talagang ginagawa nya ang lahat,feeling ko nga ako na ang may problema kasi di ko makalimutan pero masisi mo ba ako? sana [textspeak!] kung may gamot na iinumin para makalimutan yun ininom ko na.pero di ako bibitaw at patatalo s negative feelings na to.

[smoothie]

ilan yrs na ba sis?

[neraks]

ilan yrs na ba sis?

the first one was 10 yrs ago then yung isa 2 years ago na naman...it was all a one night stand.the nerve ng mga babaeng pumapatol sa ganung set up.

[donzski_doinks]

FORGIVE those who have done you harm, but NEVER FORGET that they can harm you again.

[aquacharly]

Per my own experience, all I can share is:

1.  ACCEPT that Sh1t happens even to The Undeserving. 
     So stop analyzing what went wrong, why, etc etc etc.  Specially stop blaming yourself, if you do.

2.  ACCEPT that after the crap in your life:
      You are 2 different people who have gained wisdom, & added depth to your individual character. 
      You are 2 better individuals now who can still love each other best.

3.  LEAVE in The Past  all that Sh1t.
       Parang smelly dog poop -- do you stand around staring at it?
             Hindi ha! You quickly move away.
       DO NOT REWIND & watch again and again The Crap like a bad movie. 
             Di ba pag umpisa pa lang lousy DVD - pina palitan mo? 
             So do the same thing pag pumasok sa isip mo the hurtful past --
             mentally switch movies.

4.  DO NOT NAG. 
       He is in True Remorse & Reform, you say. 
       And you have decided to continue on with him.
       So there, you are both starting all over again.  Hwag na magsisihan. 

5.  LEARN from The Betrayal, otherwise --  History repeats itself until The Lesson is learned.

6.  TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF.  MAKE YOURSELF A STRONGER PERSON.
     Gather your strength into you;
     Do not doubt yourself nor your value;
     Be the best you can be;
     Do things that make YOU happy.
     LAUGH OFTEN.
     
6.   PRAY, with gratitude & trust. 


SIS NERAKS, maniwala ka, my Lola tells the truth:  TIME HEALS EVERYTHING.
The time comes, you may remember -- but it no longer hurts.

[sweet.trish]

^love it sis. Super thank you

[bwiset12]

paano naman ilelet go yung relationship na walang closure? di ko kasi talaga maintindihan,ni konting effort sa part nya wala.kahit man lang simpleng sorry wala

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, that's my point. there are just some things not worth fighting for. kelangan kayong dalawa ang ume-effort for the erred party to recover and at the same time for the erring party to forgive himself din. 

pero kasi kung isa lang ang ume-effort malimot ang nangyari, it will not work.  iyan kasi ang na experience ko hanggang I gave up na kasi sayang lang ang pagod ko kaka effort eh in the first place, sya dapat gumawa din ng paraan kasi ang hirap para sa mga cheated wives to forget na parang walang nangyari. kelangan may healing and you know he is sorry talaga and won't do it again --- for the marriage to work again. kasi kung lagi kang kakaba kaba at tuwing nawawala sya eh parang de javu ulit, naku para lang kami paulit ulit na sirang plaka. after 10 or so years, I gave up.

So I let go my feelings of hurt and vengeance, pero pati sya ni-let go ko narin.

[aquacharly]

paano naman ilelet go yung relationship na walang closure? di ko kasi talaga maintindihan,ni konting effort sa part nya wala.kahit man lang simpleng sorry wala

There is always closure, if desired -- que mag isa ka  walk away, que 2 kayo declare: It's over.
IMO, kahit deadma or does not leave  1 party -- hindi kelangan ng other party any declaration or moving out by the other -- basta nag decide e 1 party to move on, closure na yan.  Kahit na goes home o sleep ith ou every night but you 2 re is connected -- closure  na rin yan.
IMO, there is Closure even with things unsaid. 

Or are you referring to "closure of the betrayal = putting it all behind and starting over"?
If your spouse who betrayed you is not in CONTINUING REMORSE & REFORM  -- eh up to you na  what to do. 
Puedeng end the marriage kesa wait  for the repeat performance of betrayal.
Or,  stick around doing more to save the marriage, praying & hoping too ma Boink! into fidelity the philandering spouse.
Decide what you can tolerate or want to do, given your current limitations/constraints.
Sarili mo lang puede mo diskartehan . Kasi, hello, you cannot force/demand a person into remorse nor to change into a non-philanderer.
Hindi man lang mag "Sorry"?   may magagawa ka? What?! Tell him to say "Sorry"  & oo nga sinabi  pero walang commitment behind that spoken "sorry".   What's the point?

So there, puede ka mag- forgive kahit he is not asking for forgiveness
Puede ka stay married  kahit na his actions shout:  leave me! Go way! Disappear!
It is all up to you saan mo pwesto yourself, but you should not expect anything from the other person. 
hindi kayo pareho ng desires, conscience & perspective.
 Just focus on & work towards your best  interests;  and everything will be okay in the end for you. . 

[fegloria1954]

I decided to forgive after I learned and arrived at that point that I could believe what I learned, that forgiveness has to do with letting go with all my negative feelings engendered by the hurting actions which resulted to all forms of abuse - emotional, psychological, physical, verbal, etc.

I decided to forgive long before he even arrived at that point where he realized that he did need to ask for forgiveness, first by acknowledging ownership of the hurting actions he had committed, next by showing remorse, third by offering - and negotiating with me - what he can do to make things better (make amends), and fourth by his always acting forgiven - meaning he shows that he has really changed.  How about me?  What did I do when he eventually asked for forgiveness?  I told him I have forgiven him long before he even thought of it.  I told him I would be open to - and accepting of - his remorse and acts to make amends.  I did not tell him, but I have also decided that I can accept the fact that ingrained habits are hard to change, and if he stumbles and fails in his making amends, then I will again decide to let go of my negative feelings and let God take care of the rest.

It is not easy to do, but praying and lifting it all up to God makes it less difficult.

The beauty of it all is that when he showed genuine repentance and desire for forgiveness, and I responded to his plea by telling him that I have forgiven him - he has acted forgiven ever since.

It did - it continues to - help us very much that we went to a marriage healing program, and we opted to keep on participating in the regular activities of the said program.

Now we both understand that:
Love and commitment are decisions that we can make.
Forgiveness and trust are also decisions that we can make.

Mommy Fe