Is cheating or having an affair INEVITABLE? (for men)

[ayka]

Hi ladies!

I have friends and acquaintances whose husbands have merrily feasted on having affairs. The legal wives' reactions to the situation and their fight/action plans vary. I have a female business partner who unfortunately experienced the same thing. But she and her hubby managed to work it out and eventually got back together. HER problem is, she now generalizes all men including our husbands (in our "breakfast group"). She keeps on telling me, "Better watch over your man. He's handsome and there are lots of women whose eyes are on him. You know what happened to me. I have never even thought my husband CAN cheat on me. So it will happen to you if you don't keep your man on a leash. Blah blah blah..." First time she said this, it was OK. But now she keeps repeating it to me, adding "It will happen to you because my hubby was like this...because he was like that...the kabit was like this..." She's implying it's INEVITABLE so I better be prepared. WTF?!

I got fed up of her litany so I told her, "First of all, my husband is not a dog so he doesn't need a leash. You don't know him well, you don't know the dynamics of our relationship. So don't judge me, my hubby and our marriage! If your husband had the nerve to do that to you, it doesn't mean mine's gonna do the same! So can you please just mind your own marriage?"   

Yes, it's unfortunate and devastating when husbands cheat on their wives. They say men by nature are polygamous and so they delve into extra-marital affairs. Is cheating inevitable? If they say yes, I beg to disagree. Spiritual foundation/strength, principles, morals, character, self-control and love for his family all come into play before a man gets tempted by other women and start an affair.

How about you, ladies? Would love to read your thoughts and opinions.

[break_free]

Just politely change the topic sis. No need mainis sa kanya kasi baka someday sa kanya ka rin iiyak. Huwag naman sana. Just be thankful nalang din na at she's telling you to be careful and mindful, that's it. Maawa ka nalang din sa kanya kasi di rin biro na magka affair ang partner, maybe she's still hurting. So just politely change the topic.

Is cheating inevitable? I don't know but you can see it everywhere. I have a very good friend na doctora (mayaman, sexy, matalino etc) and yung husband niya pastor, family-oriented, from maayos na family na walang record ng cheating mom or dad BUT nagkaron din ng kabit. Hay so sad. Basta you will know the red flags when you see them, but in the meantime, you and your partner should relax and enjoy your relationship to the fullest.

[ayka]

^Thanks sis break_free, i get your point. That she may still be hurting, because it's been a year pa lang naman. Iniisip ko rin iyan and I really feel sorry for her, hypocrisy aside. But the way she talks to us kasi, it's as if she's so sure it's gonna happen to us as well. She feels so negative about our husbands. Is there a need to do that? I know that I cannot fully control everybody, even my husband. But she doesn't have to rub it in and imply that all men and relationships are THE SAME. That my husband will most probably cheat as well. No need to compare di ba?

And you're right, minsan iniiwasan ko rin yung topic everytime we talk. I think she needs more time to move on from the incident. 

[aquacharly]

(NOTE:  I don't intend to be crass; my terminology hereunder is in the interest of clarity -- and not to offend anyone, specially T/S. )


AYKA, yeah you're right:  Men are not dogs, so don't put a leash on a man.
BUT, hahahahahahaha:    Men are like dogs, they fck  around.

IMO, a man will fck around.  At least once.  And that's it, it's effing done and disposed with ---  just to scratch an itch. 
BUT not every man will have an affair.... As in, to define:  A  repeat/extended sexual relationship with just 1 person.  It starts as an eff to scratch the itch...that develops into a comfy relationship to pander to the itch & ego. and then!, generally -- hahaha --  develops the delusion/illusion "This is true love".  Lolz

An extramarital fck does not automatically  create a kab1tch.  See,  a number of factors must simultaneously happen & favor the transformation of a fck into an affair (as far as I know, which surely  is insufficient): 
         The man must have an itch that needs repeat scratching by someone not his wife;
         The scratcher  (for reasons only she knows for sure) is willing to scratch repeatedly;
         A Deal is mutually agreed upon; 
         The dog,  susko! este Man! pala (sorry for the lapse!) --  must find The Time to accommodate the regularized extramarital scratching; and
         The philanderer must become good at Lying to his wife, family and the segment of the General Public that will disapprove of the Scratching Deal. 

Of course, of course, of course  --  there will always be exceptions to my "IMO" theory (after all, what do  I know about men  & their  itches & hmmm, dogs & their itch... Hehe).  There are men for sure who are satisfied scratching just at home (Kasi sobra na scratching nila before marrying, or talagang madamot/cobarde kya does not share/spread his love around). 

AYKA,  yes -- pray and keep your man God-centered so he has a better chance of resisting having someone other than you scratch his itch.
Just wait for your life to  play-out.  No need to worry until the day to worry arrives.

But, do not also deny the possibility crap can happen.
So, listen to your friend -- not only because a good friend listens & proffers sympathy (talking to you may be her way of unburdening so she can  move past this betrayal) ...
BUT You will listen to LEARN valuable insights as to what may have lead to the betrayal....
& more important --  LEARN how she handled the betrayal.   What is she doing to get her and her hubby past this dark phase in their marriage?
So, put aside your Fear & Irritation, and remember:
        Smart people learn from their mistakes, but
        Smarter people learn from others'  mistakes.   

PERO ka grrrrr really if she expresses her grief by forecasting rains in your life.
Tell her clearly:  I know his betrayal hurt you.
                        I know you don't deserve such (say it! Kahit na you think she deserves coz kahit na deserving sya puede naman pinag usapan nila quesa he went effing around).
                        BUT I know you will not wish such heartbreak on other people, like me -- your friend.  So, let us just pray for each other that this horrible thing does not come  into our lives... That it does not happen to  you AGAIN.  (You said she's smart, ewan ko pag hindi pa nya na getz after that)

[freelancer_babe]

Yet another affair/kabit/cheating thread sa GT! 

Napansin ko lang, parang ang hot ng topic nito, ilang threads ang lumitaw sa "unread posts" tungkol dito.

[ayka]

So, put aside your Fear & Irritation, and remember:
        Smart people learn from their mistakes, but
        Smarter people learn from others'  mistakes.   

^true! thanks for reminding me, sis.

Yet another affair/kabit/cheating thread sa GT! 
Napansin ko lang, parang ang hot ng topic nito, ilang threads ang lumitaw sa "unread posts" tungkol dito.

^LOL. you bet! it's one of the hottest topics as more women nowadays prefer or are interested in hooking up with married men. and have you seen the movies lately? mga ka-b**ch na ang bida ngayon. so all the more do they (the real-life b**ches) feel empowered to f*** around and snag married men, in hopes of fulfilling their fantasies of turning an affair into love (as sis Aquacharly mentioned). i actually know some women who are like that. it's just sick.   

[stylishmomy]

^^i'ts really alarming sis na sorbrang daming threads on this topic... just shows na it's rampant/common?

Twice na where I hear average men talk about their "flings" casually - these men are barberos and waiters, workers at Globe telecom (just mentioning the ones I know/heard)

Had my usual weekend mani pedi and I've overheard two wives and two nail technicians pouring their heartaches about their cheating partners/husbands. Kaloka! 

TS, I also know someone who's annoying like your friend, just coz her husband lied to her a couple of times about sneaking out alone at night, got caught flirting with a girl in a club... she ASSUMES that all men are like her husband, that sooner or later, my husband/ALL men will cheat and lie. She drains me with all her negativity, although I understand her concern but nakaka drain lang if yan lang ang topic the whole day, so I stay away from her

aquarchly - sis thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal opinion always a pleasure to read.

[ReservoirDogs]

There will be outliers; lucky is the girl who'll find an outlier.   But a lot of men are cheating because women let them.  Just look at this forum: maraming babae ang tinatanggap pa rin ang asawa kahit ilang beses na ang niloloko sila ng asawa nila. Kaya nga sana may divorce na eh - ok that's another topic altogether.

I also think cheating is not exclusive to men lang.  Marami ding babae ang nanlalaki.  I have 2 close friends who cheated on their men. Mas madaldal talaga lang mga babae, kaya it appears that guys cheat on women more often than us.   It's just guys don't normally pour their heart out on forums nor talk about it (women cheating on them) with other guys.

[quinone]

misery needs company. siguro she cannot nag the husband, kaya she nags her friends instead. if you are a barkada/group of friends dapat may magsabi sa kanya na she shouldn't let that one instance in her life steal all her joys or change her personality kasi ang dating nagpatalo siya sa trials. o kaya tell her frankly hindi na siya fun kasama.

sa totoo lang if she doesn't change soon, sa attitude niya na yan makaka-attract siya ng bad vibes and more negative experiences. if she finds a way to sincerely, from the bottom of her heart forgive her husband, hihinto yan ng kaka-ganyan.

kung hindi siya close friend i suggest staying away from her.

[glamorosa_09]

Talking about itch, kung itch lang naman ang issue... yeah... men get itchy more than women, I guess...

But marami rin namang wives na walang pakundangan mag reject ng husband when hubbies get itchy.

"Pagod ako," "Wala ako sa mood" "May gagawin ako" etc etc. Men want to be wanted by their wives too, even sexually. And when you repetitively reject him without considering his feelings, you make him feel unwanted, unconsciously you are pushing him to commit something you don't want to happen.

I'm not saying to give in palagi. If you're really tired, say it in a nice manner, not snapping. Make him feel you understand his needs. Tell him babawi ka next time. Kung maganda naman ang background ng hubby, makakaintindi naman yan, specially if he felt understood too.

But if you're hubby's not like that... eh... ibang usapan na yan...

As for your friend, if she doesn't slow down a bit after a good talk to her, and she's still pulling you down, find another company. Masyado na syang toxic eh, emotional vampire na sya, she sucks your energy. I personally do away from toxic relationships.

[Nuriko]

"It will happen to you because my hubby was like this...because he was like that...the kabit was like this..." She's implying it's INEVITABLE so I better be prepared.

Ewan ko rin sis ha, pero sa aking palagay, yung friend mong iyan ay parang indirect na sinasabi na "dahil niloko ako ng asawa ko, lolokohin ka rin ng asawa mo. for sure mangyayari sayo yun kasi sakin nangyari yun. di pwedeng ako lang. bitter ako, kaya dapat ikaw rin."

i know the feeling sister. syempre wala tayong magagawa kundi makinig sa sentiments nila. pero kung ganun lang sasabihin nya, nakakagalit nga talaga at sarap sabihin na lang na "buti nga sayo" hahaha

it's inevitable? lolz. binibigyan ka lang nya ng problema kasi problemado sya at malungkot sya. ayaw nya na sya lang. parang nag iiwan pa sayo ng bad energy.

mahirap din naman magsalita ng tapos. pero kasi, hindi ikaw sya at hindi mo asawa yung asawa nya. kaya hindi porke nangyari sa kanya, mangyayari rin sayo.

[ayka]

  Nonetheless, yes, it's inevitable that men shall have extramarital affair with other women(for gay husbands, men). It's, indeed, very devastating for wives to know that their husbands are cheating on them. We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. how? hehe. You ladies know best. Stay sublimed and second to no one in the eyes and heart of your husband.  Even during your pregnancy and post partum, you should stay "sexy" and attractive. Unlike women, men's  desire for sex is formidable like a dam that must regularly decant its content at safe level. Stay beautiful and kind, so that your hisband wouldn't rechannel the dam's spout elsewhere.

^ayka
         Forewarned is forearmed. Repulsive and irritable as she might have turned out, your business partner is, in fact,  a good friend to had announced a forecast. . Advise your friend to stay pretty as you are so her husband won't  "dance in the rain again."

^can't help but notice the redundancy of the words "pretty" and "sexy" in your statements. let me get this straight. so you're saying that deteriorating or "napabayaang" "looks" and "curves" are the main reasons for a man's lack of insight when it comes to fidelity within marriage? this kind of man obviously DID NOT MARRY FOR LOVE, dear! so ginawa lang pala niyang baby factory ang wife niya. tapos kapag hindi na kasing-sexy or kasing-ganda tulad ng dati (or worse, na-losyang) sa kaka-alaga ng mga anak nila, this gives him an excuse to go f*** hotter women (as superficial as he is), enjoy extra-marital affairs and bask in all the glory of his manhood?! what a chauvinistic a**hole! 

if a man consciously knows that he's a superficial freak and has to be with a woman who gulped all the fountain of youth (lucky if she ever finds it), OR if he knows that even if he married Miss Universe, he still has or will always have the urge to f*** other women, then he has NO RIGHT to and SHOULD NOT get married. He should stay single so he can go on f***fests all his life, anytime he wants. OR kung mag-aasawa man siya, siguraduhin niyang niknukan siya ng yaman para may pambayad siya at maalagaan ni Belo or Calayan ang asawa niya.

and if LOOKS lang pala ang basis ng infidelity, whatever happened to UGLY men who have GORGEOUS WIVES and still have the "itch" to f*** other women and indulge in affairs? baligtarin na lang kaya natin? what if, because of LOOKS and CURVES, wives have an excuse to go on f***ing sprees with other men while their devoted husbands are at home, waiting for them and taking care of their children? OK lang sayo? 

athletic^dude, that's how i interpret your point. no pun intended. ika nga, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

[maiandra]

I refuse to believe that all husbands will eventually cheat at one point in their lives. Alam naman natin yan. Pero it doesn't give us a license to be blind and live in our bubble of a happy married life. Tama si athletic dude, Forewarned is forearmed. You don't know what's going to happen a month, a year from now so it's best to keep the fire burning with hubby. It's just a reminder to be vigilant because most marriages break down because they "let things happen". They let themselves drift away from each other until paggising mo magisa ka nalang sa bangka.

As for your female friend, I understand why she may say negative and discouraging things, remember it's our reactions that's more impt. Maybe she hates feeling na niloko, nadaya or iniwan kaya she wants sympathy. Or she's trying to warn you to be cautious pero it came out in a bad way. Intindihan mo na lang sya at be thankful everyday for your husband. Change topics or change friends.

[ayka]

^thanks, sis maiandra. i am not saying that i'm blinding myself from cruel "possibilities" (that's why i keep my hubby on his toes as well). i am more of hoping for the best and being positive. i know may posibilidad na mangyari, pero pwedeng hindi mangyari, diba? not all "possible" things can or will happen. so when someone repeatedly tells you "mangyayari din sa'yo iyan" (kumbaga "inevitable" nga, mangyayari't mangyayari din sa'yo), that's just taking it to a whole new level. it's just too pessimistic, negative and sour to digest. para bang kapag nasunugan ako, imbes na magbigay ako ng tips para makaiwas sa sunog, eh sasabihin ko sa iba na masusunugan din sila. i know some people who have gone through hell with their relationships/marriages but seldom or even never have they ranted about their unfortunate circumstances the way this "acquaintance" of mine does. and the way she compares her hubby and marriage to mine, it's awkward and becoming annoying na to me. TO THINK WE'RE NOT THAT CLOSE. every conversation na lang, yun ang topic. kahit anong sabi ko sa kanya na just be happy they were able to work it out and be positive na lang, wa-effect. never-ending comparison to my marriage pa rin ang hobby niya. iba kasi yung mag-vent out ka and mag-share ka ng experiences mo (which is supposedly dapat tapos na ang problem niya dahil nagkabalikan na nga sila and they're happy, as she said), kesa dun sa ipa-problema mo sa iba ang naging problema mo. nakaka-drain. diba? thus, i came up with this topic.
 
fortunately, our contract of partnership is just a few months shy of an ending. hopefully maka-move on siya totally so she can be more positive and live a happy life as well.

[hisana]

As they say, "Try not to take things personally. What people say about you is a reflection of them, not you." Your acquaintance is still obviously hurting from the affair, so maybe what I'd do is divert our conversations into how HER marriage is going, etc., (or, as suggested by many already, go to a totally unrelated topic entirely if that can be managed) to minimize these husband-bashing sessions/projecting her problems onto everyone else. Or yeah, avoid her after your contract if her negativity affects you that much.

As for whether I think cheating or having an affair is inevitable...it does happen to a lot of people and it's hard to tell who will cheat or not. A guy friend told me that guys do it because they're unhappy, but nah. There are men who say they are blissfully married to their wives but end up having a one-night stand or full-blown affair. The itch, I guess. And I never underestimate the power of timing and kalandian of some girls who use their youth and beauty for anything, be it to seduce your husband because of ego, of getting stuff, of the misguided belief that they found their one true love (LOL) and who cares if he already has kids and a wife. On the other hand, there are men who put up with a lot with their wives and still love them and remain faithful until the end. To the wives of such men, I say swerte! 

[aquacharly]

I agree with AYKA vs ATHLETIC DUDE who says to just stay pretty, submissive & sweet - and all itching will stay home. 
What happened to Gloria Diaz, Marites Revilla, Margie Moran... Sangkaterbang beautiful actresses.
O si Susan Roces -' THE package of beauty, sweetness & very attentive wife. 
Let's not even start on the younger generation at baka we get tangled on natural vs upgraded beauty.

Isn't it sad that Sunshine Cruz Montano mentioned, among her rumblings on her most recent heartbreak:  kasi matanda na ako.... At 35?!   Ganon ba kababaw the motivation of men vis-a-vis marriages? A wife is to be loved as long as she's pretty, servile & young, ATHELETIC DUDE?
Dapat lang nga may divorce na.  So we can likewise get rid of husbands fixated only on nubile bodies. 

[monbla]

OnT: hope it's not inevitable. Thinking about SO, I could never imagine that he will be capable of this. Sa office naman, very rare ako nakakarinig ng cheating stories. Gives me hope that it's possible. Happy marriage ang norm, even sa matagal nang married.

Mas madalas ako makarinig ng cheating stories pag, sorry to sound generalizing, poor and uneducated environment.

What encourages cheating ba? It's exciting, ego boosting, superfun. Ego boosting sa mga guys who have no other accomplishment to boost their ego with. And what's to lose? Usually nothing coz wives forgive, or have no choice coz the husbands earn all the money. San sila pupulutin? Lunukin na lang lahat para di magutom ang mga bata. Else the women are stupid enough to blame themselves for men's misbehavior when it's really more of a reflection of the husbands' shitty macho bloated ego. Nahiya naman ang mga asawa nila sa tiyan nilang naglakakihan, receeding hairline at siguro perpekto din sila sa kama?

Natatawa ako thinking about the pretty girls in the neighborhood of my childhood na nahuhumaling sa kay papangit na mga lalaki. Luging lugi. Root cause? I think simply, self esteem. Women don't believe they deserve better. Everyone succumbing to learned helplessness. Ganyan lang talaga ang mga lalaki. Boys will be boys. That's all societal macho norm b******t to me.

Wives, before you worry about your weight, make sure your self respect is intact.

I am pro divorce too! Cheating should have consequences and women, or men, should not be trapped in a life sentence with shitty douchebag spouses.

[snowberry]

Misery loves misery . Gusto siguro ni business partner maging paranoid kayo because of her bad experience with her husband. Hindi naman talaga 100% na mag cheat ang lahat ng husband . Siguro mga 99% lang, joke.


At totoo, hindi naman beauty and sexiness ang issue dito. Even mga Miss Universe ( i.e. Dayanara) at pagkagagandang babae at artista eh niloko rin ng mga asawa nila.  It isn't true din nasa lower economic strata lang ang maraming manloloko. The educated people nga lang knows how to be discreet or iyoong mga wife eh nahihiyang magkwento ng pambabae ng husband nila. Doon nga sa office nami eh, from the CEO , VP at middle managers may mga kabitch. 

[aquacharly]

^right, it's not just the poor/those who have less.  Just recalled Susie Bayot Ortigas & Mons Romulo Tantoco -- stories landed in the Diarios

[ayka]

^their "telenovela"-like stories are quite amusing to me. Ortigas being caught in the act by Madam Bayot, and admitting to being an "atsay killer" but not to concubinage; Madam Romulo on the other hand, initially ignoring then eventually discovering in-your-face infidelity. Both cases are similar in so many ways - the presence of double betrayal as both third parties were initially best friends (and apparently for Madam Romulo, her "prayer group buddy"); main characters belonging to rich and prominent families in the country. so many allegations here and there, couldn't be any tastier and classier for the rich/elite.

ika nga, they were high society scandals that rocked manila. hay. wala ngang mayaman o mahirap sa mga makakati.