When is it enough to hold on?

[jjqxiv]

Hello mommies and co-girl talkers!

I just want to share my dilemma and I'm seeking for other's opinion. Me and husband were married for almost 24 years (on May 2013). We have 4 daughters and another one on the way - I'm currently on my 9th week. And I recently found out that he's having an affair with someone, this is not his first but his third already.

Hindi nya inaamin sakin, pero may proof na ako. Last Saturday he went to Batangas for a meeting daw and sabi nya overnight lang daw so yun pinayagan ko naman. Umuwi sya kahapon (my birthday) during breakfast pero direcho tulog agad sya. He woke up around 2PM, nagmamadali syang umalis. And he didn't even utter any word so I didn't have a chance to talk to him. Kahit isang "Happy birthday" wala man lang akong natanggap. I tried to text and call him pero walang response, tinawagan ko din yung mga close friends nya pero wala daw sya dun. And until now, wala pa rin sya. I feel bad for my daughters 'cause they're really worried about their dad - lalo na yung youngest ko. Na-explain ko na sa eldest and second daughters ko pero hindi ko pa ma-explain dun sa third and youngest ko.

I really don't know what to do, as what I've said, this is his third time. Ganito rin yung nangyari nung first and second, pero pinilit ko syang intindihin. Alam kong pag nagkakaroon sya ng affair, yung girl lang yung "apple of the eye" nya. Parang hindi na nya kami nakikita.

Maraming nagsasabi na hiwalayan ko na pero there's still a part of me na umaasang maayos pa namin to specially now we're having a new baby. Ang sabi naman ng mom ko, mag-usap daw muna kami bago ako mag-decide. Pero hanggang kailan naman ako magiging t*nga kakahintay kung kailan sya uuwi o kung uuwi pa ba sya sakin. If you were in my shoes, what will you do? Thank you in advanced! God bless us all!

[April30]

Hi sis, share ko lang story ng family ko, my parents were now married for 30 yrs. Gaya mo, my father had and have an affair with other women. Yung 2 nga pinakasalan p. Alam ng mother ko, pero kaming mga anak ang na unang naka-alam. Di ko alam if martyr yung na ay namin o totally dependent lang sya Kay papa kasi ever since they got married, she never worked. Full time housewife lang sya. Masakit sa min yun na mga anak, pero alam ko mas masakit Kay mama. Maybe there will come a time na magpa pagod na rin si mama na masaktan. Ako naman, I keep crossing my fingers na hindi ko maranasan yung situation na yun. Try to be closer to God. He will lead you to the right decision. Alam ko, lahat ng pain, may kapalit na magagandang bagay for you. 

[jjqxiv]

^ Akala ko talaga hindi na mauulit pa ulit, pero mali ako. Yun nga yung sinasabi ng close friends ko sakin, sobrang martyr ko daw. Bakit daw nagpa-buntis pa ulit ako and everything. I'm a full time housewife pero may business ako (na part din yung husband ko). I'll pray for you na hindi mo maranasan lahat ng nararanasan namin ng mom mo. I lift everything up to Him, sis. Thank you!

[84SCORP]

Pang 3rd na nia ? Wow what an a$$h01e ! Cant you see pregnant kapa and at the day of your bday wala lang sa kanya? How can you trust your life with that kind of person.
What are you waiting for??? Kawawa your kids growing up and nakikita na ganyan ang turing ng dad nila sa mom nila.   Just let it go, its not worth it anymore. 

[April30]

Blessing yang baby mo. Binigay sa iyo. May dahilan kya sya nandyan, wag kn masyado ma-stress at mag-isip. Kabuwanan mo na pla, hope you'll be fine and your baby pag nanganak kana. Kelp inspired and strong para sa mga anak mo...

[k_heart]

^sis,how old are you na? Menopausal baby na ba sis yang pinagbubuntis mo?nagka-anak ba sya sa
mga naging mistresses nya?
 24 years is really,
really long, 4 kids na magiging 5 na. at this point sis, just take care of yourself and your baby.
nag-iisip pa ako ng sasabihin.

[imbisibol_]

Maraming nagsasabi na hiwalayan ko na pero there's still a part of me na umaasang maayos pa namin to specially now we're having a new baby.

i doubt that.  you said you already have four kids.  what difference will a fifth kid have on your husband's philandering ways?  if anything- he will probably think less of the fifth kid as the "magnet" to make him stay committed to the relationship.  he has history on his side that you've always taken him back each time he strayed.  and i sincerely hope that this fifth pregnancy was not planned with the hopes that it will bring your husband back to you.  that probably sounds cruel, and i probably look stupid and mean saying that, but i wanted that out there anyway.  and again- i hope i'm wrong.

Ang sabi naman ng mom ko, mag-usap daw muna kami bago ako mag-decide.

i'm sure you've already done all the usap with the first and second affairs he had.

Pero hanggang kailan naman ako magiging t*nga kakahintay kung kailan sya uuwi o kung uuwi pa ba sya sakin. If you were in my shoes, what will you do? Thank you in advanced! God bless us all!

if i were in your shoes, i would get a lawyer involved to make sure i get custody of the children as well as child support.  then i would ask myself two questions and require myself that i answer honestly and in all brutality:

1.  do i really want to wait for the day when my husband decides that he no longer wants to cheat on me and finally leaves me for good for the other woman?

2.  it's nice, noble, and all for a woman to want to stay in a failing and unequal marriage for the sake of the kids.  but are the lessons of being victimized, of being weak, and of not standing up for oneself things i want to teach my children?

your husband is already gone- you just haven't accepted it yet.   

[prettygretchen]

almost 10 years ago I had a rel. got pregnant at a very young age. until now, the pain haunts me and unforgiveness strikes every now and then. he cheated on me when i was pregnant at kahit may baby na kami he cheats pa din. so what i did i pray specifically what i want.. i pray that soon il be fed up for him, someday there would be someone who'll accept me, who will love my son as his own, plus nlng ang cute at mayaman.. God gave it to me in his own perfect time. napagod kasi ako agad and lagi ko naiisip ngayon pa lang hindi na ko vina value why stay for long? ika nga i wont settle for less.

i consider myself and all other women out there who is strong enough to fight for what they want, what they think is right and stands up for a lifetime decision you make. kasi hindi talaga madali eh. pero sis, ang pag pray mo na lang.. "dont let the mountains be moved instead may God give you enough strength to fight, wisdom and discernment for every decision you'll make.

be strong

[Noylabmay]

sis sinubukan kong i feel kung ako ang nasa lagay mo, ang una kong na feel sakit then naawa ko sa sarili ko and last galit...

you dont deserve yung kababuyan ng husband mo sorry sa term pero hindi ka na nya ginalang
kung sister kita lintek lang walang ganti, kung ako nasa lagay mo wala shang maririnining na paki usap
tatlong beses pa ha

sis take good care of your kids and your self get support from your family
safe guard all financial para sa mga anak mo
may God protect you and kids
and let your husband mabulok with his other woman..

[bwiset12]

your husband is already gone- you just haven't accepted it yet.
   
sis parang ganito ako bakit ang hirap ilet go ng taong niloko ka na nga? kahit ilang beses nya ng pinamukha sakin na mahal nya yung kabit nya,kahit sinabi nyang hindi nya na ko mahal at di na daw maibabalik yung kami..hayyy,i'm so sad nakakahiya man aminin pero umaasa pa din ako na babawiin nya yung mga masasakit na salitang sinabi nya at magiging ok pa din kami

[jjqxiv]

Thank you for your replies sissies. I really appreciated them all.

@ sis April30 - Not yet sis. It's just my 9th week. Yes, thank you very much. God bless!

@ sis k_heart - Yes sis. 24 years sis indeed very long. May nga nagpapakilala sakin na naanakan daw ng husband ko, pero after ilang weeks, nawawala din naman. So I'm not sure about it. Syempre hindi aamin yung husband ko. Thank you! Take care also and God bless!

@ sis prettygretchen - I feel you sis. Don't worry, I'll pray for you too. Be strong and thank you very much! God bless!!

sis Noylabmay - Ang dami ring nagsabi nyan sakin nung second time syang nagloko, ang laking pagsisisi ko na hindi ko sinunod. Pero atleast, I have another blessing on the way. Sya nalang yung bonus sa lahat ng pain, sacrifices and everything ko. Thank you very much! God bless!

sis imbisibol_ - I really appreciated your concern, I'll always put it on my mind. Siguro nga kailangan ko na talaga mag-let go, and be the mother that my children deserves. I'm still in the stage of accepting maybe, maybe not. But thank you very much! God bless!

[marose17]

When there is love, respect, trust, empathy, kindness and honesty.  Sadly, based on your kuwento, matagal ng nawala sa husband mo ang mga katangian na iyan.

Take care of your baby who, along with your children, deserves to be in a happy home. 

[84SCORP]

Diba you mentioned may business kayo together? Hindi kaba sis nakapag save ng sarili mong money, kasi u have to be wise and you need support system family mo your dad, mom and siblings let them help you, di mo kelangan mag isa sa journey na'toh. Theres more to life hindi lang dian ang mundo mo, youre missing a lot of great things in the world sa pag stay sa ganyang klaseng relationship, can i ask how old are you na?

[neraks]

Hi sis,alam ko yang nararamdaman mo kasi ako din dumaan jan twice naman...ang nangyari lang sa kin nagising na yung hubby ko at yung kanya mga one night stand but still CHEATING pa rin yun.hay ewan ko ba sa mga lalakeng yan di makuntento sa isa.Alam ko sis super painful yang pinagdadaanan mo now lalo na at preggy ka pa,for me sana maayos nyo pa pero kung hopeless na talaga let go na para na rin sa ikakabuti mo and your kids.

[aquacharly]

JJQXIV --  I do not mean to aggravate your already hurting feelings, nor to bully you -- nor whatever will award me a Watched/Warning! -- what follows hereunder is just what and the way I would say it if you were a sister/BFF with 4 kids, pregnant & nearing 50.

I regret to say that, IMO, your husband has already psychologically abandoned your marriage.  He does not go home to re-connect with you at all.   He is home only for practicalities & obligations. Accept The Bitter Truth, it will set you free. 
You mentioned no financial issues, no child issues, no health issues, no abuse issues --- so, count  your blessings pa rin. 

Darling, 24 years & this is your 3rd Calvary.  Let us not talk of how many more kalbaryo you can survive until you think of harming yourself.  As it is now, inakyat mo na sarili mo on the cross, to be crucified.
Get off, get off that cross, Sis!

IMO, in most probability, your husband will not stop his addiction to affairs. Miracles do happen, he may cease & desist -- but, don't hold your breath waiting for one.

What would I do if I were in your shoes???
1.  Sampalin ko sarili ko;
2.  Stop hoping & praying he psychologically returns;
3.  Draw my strength into myself;
4.  Count & enjoy my blessings;
5.   Re-invent myself;
6.  Pray everyday for Divine Guidance & Courage, &
7.  Keep in mind what my darling Lola says about what is unfair/undeserved.

SLAP YOURSELF  "awake" & back to reality that the Main Reason you joined your life to his life is: bottom line --  to be happy.  You most probably have forgotten what it is like to be happy, mas naka sanayan mo na heartbreak/to brood.   Darling, we are on this earth to be happy!, not to suffer.  (Unless well, happy ka sa ganyang buhay -- which is ok, basta yan gusto mo --  walang basagan ng trip.)

STOP PRAYING & HOPING he reforms.  Only he can decide how to live his life.    Well, though, don't we all hear of cuentos of philanderers returning to martyr-wives when they are old, sick &/or broke? -- yup, to seal the martyrdom.  But do not worry about tomorrow.  And don't hold your breath anticipating a humble/grovelling  return neither. 

DRAW your strength into yourself &  GATHER YOURSELF -- cast out self doubt & self blame. What is Past is done.  You are alive, able to think on your 2 feet --  stop thinking of yourself as a victim or the lugi/kawawa one in this marriage.  Stop the regrets & what-ifs.  Breathe.
Pray for Divine Guidance & Courage. 

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS and ENJOY these.
 You have 4 daughters.  You have a 5th gift from God coming soon. 
You have a house, and a husband who spends for it all or shares expenses with you - enjoy it. 
As in, HINDI ka aalis dyan sa bahay mo at HINDI  ka gagawa ng away para mabawasan whatever benefits you get from your husband. 
Whatever and all blessings you can count: GET & ENJOY.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO RE-INVENT YOURSELF. 
Yang time & energy you waste brooding over your heartbreak/s & your hubby --  refocus all that towards transforming yourself into THE BEST you can make of yourself. Decide to be HAPPY. 
Make a life that does not revolve around your husband.  Bring new interests, new activities, and new people into your life.       
       Oo andyan sya, ok, but learn to DETACH yourself. Matuto ka maging plastic towards him.  Smile, be the person he fell in love with (before he broke your heart & umasim ka sa paningin nya).  When  he is there be positive, pakisamahan mo like there is no bad history/crap -- but DETACH psychologically.  If he could psychologically abandon you -- you CAN do it better. (but I don't mean you should have an affair too ha, hehe). 
Be an even better mother. Do not bring tension into your daughters' lives by sharing your heartbreak.  Instead, give them memories they can draw strength from when, if it should happen, heartbreak touch their lives.

PRAY, everyday.  Let God's Will be done, make no deals with Him.  But keep in mind:  God helps those who help themselves. 

LOLA says:  L1ntek lang walang ganti.
Now, IMO, given your circumstances --  the Best Revenge is Living Well. Do it!

[jjqxiv]

@ sis marose17 - Maybe I'm still in the process of accepting na wala na talaga. Thank you very much sis. God bless you and your family!

@ sis 84SCORP - Yes sis, pero meron naman din akong personal savings. I have my mom and my brothers only, my father died several years ago. But I'm sure he's guiding me wherever he is. And yes, I prepare myself for this journey at hangga't maari ayokong madamay yung daughters ko.  I'm already 41 sis.

@ sis aquacharly - I understand sis, don't worry. This is just what I needed. Ilang beses ko ng binasa yung post mo and ang dami kong na-realize. I think masyado ng sumobra yung pagiging understanding ko kasi umaasa pa din ako sa bagay na pinanghahawakan ko pero matagal na pala nyang binitawan. Thank you very much sis, I really really appreciated this. God bless you and your family!

[mrs.trish]

Sis, sobrang hirap talaga ng situation mo. I feel for you. Kung ako nga na gainfully-employed, no kids, and married for only 2 yrs. eh hindi ko kayang hiwalayan ang asawa ko kahit nagkaanak sa iba nung 1st yr. palang ng marriage namin, ikaw pa kaya na madami ng kids na iniisip.

Pero sis, kung ayaw na ng asawa mo, wag mo nang pahirapan ang sarili mo. Siguro namimihasa sya kasi you always forgive him. Bigyan mo kaya ng sample. Palayasin mo para hindi nya makita mga anak nya & marealize nya kung anong mawawala sa kanya. Kung di parin tablan, goodbye na.

Pray lang for guidance.

[jjqxiv]

@ sis mrs.trish - Yes, ang number one na iniisip ko yung daughters ko. I've always wanted to give them the happy family I never had but I think I failed. Pero hindi pa huli yung lahat, I can be the best mom that they need and deserve.

I guess kailangan ko nalang talagang maging casual sa kanya, for the sake of our kids specially my youngest. I'm considering that pero inaamin ko naman na hindi ko talaga kaya. But thank you very much sis. God bless!


And by the way, now he's back and saying sorry. Parang walang nangyari. Nagkaron lang daw ng problem dun sa isang client nya. I accepted his sorry but I don't think he's forgiven. Kung maka-buntot sya sakin ngayon kala mo dead na dead. Siguro nga nagsawa lang sya dun sa babae nya.

[Doink!]

^ You teach people how to treat you. Nakasanayan na ng husband mo that you will always accept the kind of s*** that he gives you, mahirap ng mabago ang mindset na yan. It would be very difficult to change your partner but you hold the key to change yourself. Get to know yourself again, Reclaim your lost self. Be bold & re-invent yourself... FOCUS ON YOU!

[gorgeous gal]

i feel bad for you, sis jjqxiv.  hanggang kailan mo kayang tiisin ang ganyang situation? ngayon, magsosorry sya at parang walang nangyari. then after ilang araw, ganun uli?

oo nga at iniisip mo ang kapakanan ng mga anak nyo na magkaroon ng buong pamilya, pero ganung klaseng pamilya ba ang gusto mong kalakihan nila?